Dad, it doesn't help....

great article

I wish I would have read that about 10 years ago.

Goin_yard posted:

I wish I would have read that about 10 years ago.

 

Me too...

The comment about "hiding" in the stands struck me.  I've tried hard not to have my child worry about whether he ever disappointed me during a game with his play (although he did sort of question an ump once and we did have a talk about that).

If your kid looks for you in the stands after striking out, that may be a sign that he is under a little too much pressure.  Don't have any great solutions, but did want to highlight that one comment.

My goal at the end of both of my kids games (D1 pitcher and 13U player) is for no one to know that I'm their dad.  They will know that I'm affiliated to the team by my cheering, but not addressing kids individually.  It's worked for us so far, and the 2nd boy is well on his way, so I think that we'll continue down this path.  

I was just discussing this.  This past weekend my sons team played in a game that it was a 99.9% certainty that they would win....but they lost.  Some parents didn't say anything but there were a couple that did LOUDLY...then their kid said something on the field LOUDLY....this was during the first inning....do people not understand that they can create a loss with their bad attitude?

Great article. Look, we were all our son's first coach -- I don't mean literally, but when they were 4, 5, and 6 years old, introducing them to the game. It can be hard to let that go. I have a fourth grader (in addition to one in high school), and it's hard to just shut up with the little guy. But it's wise to do so.

When my son started playing 9u travel I encountered some insane parents. I started reading books about the psychology of coaching kids and dealing with my own. A very good book was 101 Ways To Be A Good Sports Parent by Dr Joel Fish. He's the head of the Center For Sports Psychology. They work with professional athletes, professional teams and various Team USA's. 

Despite his background he didn't realize he was becoming one of "those" parents. Now the Center's largest individual client base is travel players whose parents are driving them over the edge. 

The best advice in the book is when your kid gets in the car don't start analyzing. Let him/her talk first. Maybe the game is the last thing they want to discuss. 

Dad it doesn't help when:

You talk bad about my coach or coache's decisions.

Are critical of other players on my team or the opposing team. "unless they are displaying a negative attitude."

Create excuses for my play.

Criticize the umpire.

Conduct a negative autopsy of my performance on the drive home.

Allow your mood & reaction to me to be dependent upon my performance on the field.

Are verbally critical when I make a mistake during a game.

Issue negative feedback telling me "what not to do."

Dad it helps when you:

Offer positive encouragement.

Look for & discuss at least 3 positives game actions before even approaching a subject for "improvement."

Compliment my effort.

Focus on team results first.

Remain silent during my games.

Refrain from criticizing the coach, umpires & other players on my team.

Are the same person in your approach to me regardless of the results of my performance in a game.

My kid doesn't listen to me at home.  No way is he going to listen to me during a game.  Told me long ago, he doesn't hear a thing I say. 

One time when he was pitching, the bastage had the gonads to tell the coaches to get me out from behind the backstop.  Right in the middle of the game.  I wasn't even doing anything.  Just standing there.  So now, whenever he pitches I go to the first base side so he can't see me at all.  But you would know I'm his dad because I'm pacing around mumbling to myself.    

Admittedly took me a while to fully learn this lesson (around 13u; ok, maybe 14u).  I was the jackwagon giving rapid fire advice having never played pee-wee ball well.  

Was surprised to hear as much pitch-by-pitch daddy commentary in (D III) college ball this year.  "Johnny:

[2-0 count] you are way ahead."

[0-2 count] time to battle."

square it up."

you can do it."

do your job."

trust your hands."

Probably much ado about nothing; as said above, these sons aren't listening.

I had a very very big failure recently.  Very tight game and my son missed a block (Hes a catcher).  Run scored.  He threw down to third and over threw, run scored....    I barked quite loudly from the stands that those runs were on him.  I really really upset him (which I didnt realize how much till after).  

I sat down and was thinking how I was roasting in that damn heat and what the hell he was doing.....

It took a moment and I pretty much called my self asshole.  That was what I was.    He 19 innings out of the 27 we played that weekend.  The block he missed was a fastball on the outside part of the other batters box.  Would have been amazing to stop it as is and he did get a good piece of it (went left off his pad instead of the back stop).  And then he DID make an error on the throw.   SO WHAT.

I felt like a total shit.  Not even sure why I reacted like that.  I was actually feeling the pressure.  I had parents coming up and they were like.....T needs to be in there...T needs to be in there....He stops everything....    I was actually worried what the parents would think....  

I walked down to the dugout and he was one of the last ones....  I immediately apologized to him...Called his coach the next day and apologized too.    We talked about it on  the way home.    Thought it was over and done with... 

Just this Tuesday during the JV came a ball snuck away from him on a strike three....   He rushed the throw instead of taking an extra step out and threw it over the first basemans head.  Sorta kept the inning alive.   SHorty there after it was a bases loaded dribbler...First to home and he stepped out to launch it to first...Guy was about half way....He shook his head and held it....Never threw it...

I asked him when he came in and he said he was worried about throwing it away again with a guy on third.....            Was his thinking partly due to my rant two weeks before?   Cant rule it out.

Folks......Take it from the asses (me) who made the mistakes......  DON'T bark at your kids ( I have one exception.....Disrespecting umps, players, coaches game ETC gets a serious chewing out).  Support them...  Be supportive.....  If you cant help but ride umps, sit in left field.  If your kid isn't perfect ( he never will be) and you start to hear little comments from the self righteous parents  do you best to ignore them.  With TB you are going to have that.  If you find a team where ALL the parents are supportive and kids are supportive..>STAY.... Even if they may not be winning all the time....As long as the kid is improving and the coach is able to teach him the next level skills, screw the win loss record.   I have to apologize to the parents yet at our next tournament....   There was a step dad there who everyone thought was a total richard.  I can only imagine their surprise when I went off....

Dont be the reason your kid gives up a sport.  Your more likely the reason why he likes the sport to begin with!  Dont do what I did!

Kevin A posted:

I had a very very big failure recently.  Very tight game and my son missed a block (Hes a catcher).  Run scored.  He threw down to third and over threw, run scored....    I barked quite loudly from the stands that those runs were on him.  I really really upset him (which I didnt realize how much till after).  

I sat down and was thinking how I was roasting in that damn heat and what the hell he was doing.....

It took a moment and I pretty much called my self asshole.  That was what I was.    He 19 innings out of the 27 we played that weekend.  The block he missed was a fastball on the outside part of the other batters box.  Would have been amazing to stop it as is and he did get a good piece of it (went left off his pad instead of the back stop).  And then he DID make an error on the throw.   SO WHAT.

I felt like a total shit.  Not even sure why I reacted like that.  I was actually feeling the pressure.  I had parents coming up and they were like.....T needs to be in there...T needs to be in there....He stops everything....    I was actually worried what the parents would think....  

I walked down to the dugout and he was one of the last ones....  I immediately apologized to him...Called his coach the next day and apologized too.    We talked about it on  the way home.    Thought it was over and done with... 

Just this Tuesday during the JV came a ball snuck away from him on a strike three....   He rushed the throw instead of taking an extra step out and threw it over the first basemans head.  Sorta kept the inning alive.   SHorty there after it was a bases loaded dribbler...First to home and he stepped out to launch it to first...Guy was about half way....He shook his head and held it....Never threw it...

I asked him when he came in and he said he was worried about throwing it away again with a guy on third.....            Was his thinking partly due to my rant two weeks before?   Cant rule it out.

 

Folks......Take it from the asses (me) who made the mistakes......  DON'T bark at your kids ( I have one exception.....Disrespecting umps, players, coaches game ETC gets a serious chewing out).  Support them...  Be supportive.....  If you cant help but ride umps, sit in left field.  If your kid isn't perfect ( he never will be) and you start to hear little comments from the self righteous parents  do you best to ignore them.  With TB you are going to have that.  If you find a team where ALL the parents are supportive and kids are supportive..>STAY.... Even if they may not be winning all the time....As long as the kid is improving and the coach is able to teach him the next level skills, screw the win loss record.   I have to apologize to the parents yet at our next tournament....   There was a step dad there who everyone thought was a total richard.  I can only imagine their surprise when I went off....

Dont be the reason your kid gives up a sport.  Your more likely the reason why he likes the sport to begin with!  Dont do what I did!

Kevin, Nice work man. Don't beat yourself up too much, just learn from it which is obviously what you are doing! I think it's important to admit that most all of us parents watching our kids perform feel the same way. "When mine strikes out, a little piece of me dies inside" I always tell my buddy standing next to me We all are conscious of what other parents think when our kid screws up & when you sneak a glance at the parents of the kid who just made a mistake, remember that the other parents are looking at you the same way.

It is an ego thing down deep. Your child fails, this reflects poorly on YOU, in your mind, & you want to lash out. It's a false flag & a lie. Don't buy into it. Think about it this way. Think about a kid on the team you know is an exceptional player (not yours). Now think about an awful game he had. I mean his worst. Struck out 4 times, booted balls, got rocked on mound or walked everyone. Now think about your reaction to that performance. It was probably something like' "yeah he had a tough game, don't really remember the details but he is a great player & will be fine next time." This is how the world, other than you, sees this performance when it is your kid. You are over there about ready to have cardiac arrest & want to climb the fence. Walk way out to CF or do whatever you have to do to keep it cool. It's his turn to play & a privilege & a joy to get to watch. Also remember that he is probably much better than you ever were anyway so just shut up!

Kevin A posted:

I had a very very big failure recently.  Very tight game and my son missed a block (Hes a catcher).  Run scored.  He threw down to third and over threw, run scored....    I barked quite loudly from the stands that those runs were on him.  I really really upset him (which I didnt realize how much till after).  

I sat down and was thinking how I was roasting in that damn heat and what the hell he was doing.....

It took a moment and I pretty much called my self asshole.  That was what I was.    He 19 innings out of the 27 we played that weekend.  The block he missed was a fastball on the outside part of the other batters box.  Would have been amazing to stop it as is and he did get a good piece of it (went left off his pad instead of the back stop).  And then he DID make an error on the throw.   SO WHAT.

I felt like a total shit.  Not even sure why I reacted like that.  I was actually feeling the pressure.  I had parents coming up and they were like.....T needs to be in there...T needs to be in there....He stops everything....    I was actually worried what the parents would think....  

I walked down to the dugout and he was one of the last ones....  I immediately apologized to him...Called his coach the next day and apologized too.    We talked about it on  the way home.    Thought it was over and done with... 

Just this Tuesday during the JV came a ball snuck away from him on a strike three....   He rushed the throw instead of taking an extra step out and threw it over the first basemans head.  Sorta kept the inning alive.   SHorty there after it was a bases loaded dribbler...First to home and he stepped out to launch it to first...Guy was about half way....He shook his head and held it....Never threw it...

I asked him when he came in and he said he was worried about throwing it away again with a guy on third.....            Was his thinking partly due to my rant two weeks before?   Cant rule it out.

 

Folks......Take it from the asses (me) who made the mistakes......  DON'T bark at your kids ( I have one exception.....Disrespecting umps, players, coaches game ETC gets a serious chewing out).  Support them...  Be supportive.....  If you cant help but ride umps, sit in left field.  If your kid isn't perfect ( he never will be) and you start to hear little comments from the self righteous parents  do you best to ignore them.  With TB you are going to have that.  If you find a team where ALL the parents are supportive and kids are supportive..>STAY.... Even if they may not be winning all the time....As long as the kid is improving and the coach is able to teach him the next level skills, screw the win loss record.   I have to apologize to the parents yet at our next tournament....   There was a step dad there who everyone thought was a total richard.  I can only imagine their surprise when I went off....

Dont be the reason your kid gives up a sport.  Your more likely the reason why he likes the sport to begin with!  Dont do what I did!

What about when the other parents do it to your kid?  Kid's team last year had parents who had little clue about baseball and less clue about catching.  And where not afraid to make the loud comments about the kid's performance.

Heck we had one mother, from a snooty rich suburb, actually throw a water bottle at the fence and scream "are you kidding me" when her little johnny struck out.   

Steve A. posted:

Kevin, Nice work man. Don't beat yourself up too much, just learn from it which is obviously what you are doing! I think it's important to admit that most all of us parents watching our kids perform feel the same way. "When mine strikes out, a little piece of me dies inside" I always tell my buddy standing next to me We all are conscious of what other parents think when our kid screws up & when you sneak a glance at the parents of the kid who just made a mistake, remember that the other parents are looking at you the same way.

It is an ego thing down deep. Your child fails, this reflects poorly on YOU, in your mind, & you want to lash out. It's a false flag & a lie. Don't buy into it. Think about it this way. Think about a kid on the team you know is an exceptional player (not yours). Now think about an awful game he had. I mean his worst. Struck out 4 times, booted balls, got rocked on mound or walked everyone. Now think about your reaction to that performance. It was probably something like' "yeah he had a tough game, don't really remember the details but he is a great player & will be fine next time." This is how the world, other than you, sees this performance when it is your kid. You are over there about ready to have cardiac arrest & want to climb the fence. Walk way out to CF or do whatever you have to do to keep it cool. It's his turn to play & a privilege & a joy to get to watch. Also remember that he is probably much better than you ever were anyway so just shut up!

Steve-  Thanks...I definitely know better... 

And while I will never admit it to him, he is a much better ball player than I was and a HELLUVA lot better hitter than I was.   Shhh....Dont tell him.

Golf-  I would love to say the water bottle is just ridiculous but I really have no credibility currently to bark at another parent for a failure.. LOL.

One thing I am VERY careful of when the dads start circling up and barking about this or that.  Why isnt the coach bunting...what the hell is he doing...etc.   I stay well away from that.  When they start commenting about struggles of other kids....I won't partake.  I'll say...Yea he had a rough game but he will bounce back in game two or something like that.  And I will NEVER single another kid out EVER unless its a positive.  We only had 20 hits last tournament in 4 games.  Dads were bitching about the hitting and I said ..." WE have to stop popping up.  WE are struggling at the plate and it's killing us.  My KID included...."   

In reality he popped up once that weekend, had two doubles and went 5-9 with a walk and HBP. The other catcher was 4-10.  They had almost half the hits between them.    BUT THE TEAM needed to swing the bat better and he is a member of that TEAM.  When he has a rough weekend, someone will help pick HIM up....  Law of averages and all...  But I will never ever single a kid out unless its to compliment them.      Cant believe there are people out there who actually think its ok to "undress" a kid that isnt their own.  I have seen it too...

There are now 3 things certain in life. Death, taxes & the poor kid with the water bottle Mom will shove baseball down the drain as fast as possible once he overcomes the fear of the consequences. It's sad and unfortunately very common.

I read the story. The parents say nothing.
Really? Nothing?

Chatter is part of the game. It would seem weird to me if the stands were full of ppl sitting silently like they were at the opera.

I'll add one more question to ponder. What would you say are the top 3 reasons that kids play baseball?

#1: It's fun.

#2: Be with my buddies.

#3: Make my Dad / Mom proud / happy. "Hey Dad, watch this"

Is it fun when my Dad crushes me from the stands when I make a mistake? Is it fun when I hear my parents crushing the coach on the way home? Is it fun when I get clobbered on the car ride home about my play?

The kid begins to think, subconsciously: "When I play baseball, I fail a lot (this is a game of failure). When I fail at baseball, my parents become upset & criticize me me in front of crowds of people & on car rides." If I eliminate baseball, I end the criticism & can still be with my friends. My parents will be "Happier," & the pain will stop.