.. I suggested that he and the son should confide in the coach the full range of their concerns and then trust the coach to handle this in a way that doesn't blow up in his son's face. If the coach is a leader worth his salt, he can do that, right? But the Dad isn't 100% certain that the coach is capable of handling this in a way that doesn't turn out badly for his son....
Very difficult dilemma indeed. So many things in play here. First, let me touch on the reason I quoted the above section. If he and son go to coach with their full range of concerns, coach will very likely feel compelled to act on them (and rightfully so, if severity of offense is as straight forward as stated). Coach is obligated to take this through proper channels, particularly in light of the recent other incident. While it may be the right thing to do, there is no coach that can assure there will be no negative retribution toward son from other players and/or parents. While there may be every effort made to maintain confidentiality, it is rare that the details of these things don't get out quickly.
I would never suggest that we, on a discussion board, have nearly enough info to have a handle on the situation to offer specific direction on such a serious matter but I will throw out some additional thoughts.
HS age kids say mean things to each other, including racial remarks. The true intent or meaning behind their words runs the full range from friendly jab to pure hatred. While it certainly sounds like this instance is much closer to the latter, it is a critical piece of the equation that we just don't know for sure and there is a lot riding on it for everyone.
As a coach, I try to keep my ear to the ground and pick up on the general vibe of daily chatter among the boys. We give them their space and allow them be teenage boys but if we hear about things getting too far out of line, we'll let them know. That said, we sure don't hear everything and some are very good at picking their spots and being aware of who is within earshot.
If I'm coach, assuming this remark was interpreted as a true racial slur, well beyond a jab, I would definitely want to know about it. But, again, I would feel obligated to take it up the chain if it were a repeat offender.
Another thought that comes to mind... The specifics of this case aside - as hard as it may be, and even knowing you may be bringing unwarranted difficulties upon yourself, I would always weigh doing the right thing vs. winning baseball games.
And another... each class that passes through our program brings their own unique set of strengths and weaknesses, including character-related issues. At the end of each season, we are sad to see the strengths of the senior class passing by but look forward to the promise of improvement in any areas where the group lacked, regardless of our efforts to effect otherwise. Is the offender pretty much alone in these types of remarks? Will things likely be much better when this class graduates?
I commend the young man for showing restraint and considering team before taking action. However, the hope would be that this incident will better prepare him to stand up next time, stating to any such offender that he will have always have a teammate's back on the field but won't put up with any kind of crap that doesn't belong on a team or elsewhere.