Don't panic? How's that possible when it's Monday morning, 5:05, junior needs to be at the fieldhouse for indoor practice at 5:30. More like 5:20 really. His very first high school practice! Your very first high school practice! You're so excited! Pinch me!
You know his day starts with a good breakfast and you know, through many, many ugly episodes, that he absolutely cannot function at all in the morning without his favorite floaters served just so in his beloved SpongeBob oversized cereal bowl. And those floaters being Kellogg's Frosted Mini-Wheats®, swimming in fresh, wholesome, cold, homogenized, pastuerized, 2% milk.
After mounding up about a buck and a half of sweet wheat on top of Squarepant's goofy grin and with only precious moments to spare you open the fridge to discover this...
It says right there in semi-plain, ink-jet, refrigerated English..."Sell by10-24-10". The only thing quicker than your calculation is your heart rate! That's well over four months past it's 'sell by date'. All you can picture in your sleep-deprived mind is Survivorman© with a grimace on his face and his nose turned up.
LIFO? FIFO? Tweedle Dee? Tweedle Dum? Darned if you do and darned if you don't. And then you notice that the gallon hasn't been opened yet. You ask yourself: "Does that make a difference?" No "Breakfast Consumer Hotline" or "Dairy Council" whiz kids to quiz at this hour. Nope. You're on your own. If only Looey Pasteur was your neighbor!
What do you do? Pour it, chunks and all, on those pint-sized, crispy, sugary life rafts and hope for the best? Or do you throw a couple of year old Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Pop Tarts© into the toaster and hope that junior isn't awake enough to notice the difference?
You know his entire high school baseball career is surely riding SpongeBob squarely on your decision. Whatever you decide, always remember this: "There is no 'I' in team, but there sure as heck is one in panic!"
.