lots of good replies folks, thanks! Feel free to share any of your own scenarios/stories and what you did, or should have done in retrospect. I'm sure our collective experiences can help us all strengthen our coaching.
Swamp, good point about performance vs. conduct issues. Lets come up with more ideas about conduct vs. performance punishments.
and cabbagedad, good point about different motivators for different kids!
so it looks like the consensus is that physical workouts are still commonplace and effective. and benching is (obviously) a super potent way to get your point across and worthwhile, even if it means eating it for a game.
to be clear, I'm not suggesting getting "nice" with my punishments, I'm trying to make them have more weight/relevance to the specific offense and looking for alternatives to the norm. I dont think running a kid into the ground will necessarily change his ego, nor will benching him in some cases. although in some cases it will. sometimes it might take a few running sessions or games. In some cases he may lash out instead and then you loose them all together (something i cant afford to do) LHdad, it sounds like you and i had similar experiences in high school, just from opposite corners of the infield! I responded pretty negatively to being benched. but it made me really rise to the occasion when i did play. Like cabbagedad touched upon, different things for different kids. If we can get to know our players and what they will respond to individually, now we are really digging deep...the art of coaching.
I very much like the ideas about written responses and feel that they might be effective in my situation with small numbers and all. I've been thinking i will have my captains do stuff like that regularly anyways. Its funny, because last year i had a situation where i had a freshmen make a egocentric error. good player, just trying to be a hero and spark a rally by stealing a base without a sign when we are down by 5 in the last inning, best catcher in our division (the reason that i didnt send him) threw him out by a mile...made our whole team look foolish. a real morale buster. I had found some articles online about mental toughness and playing your role on the team and such. Told him he was to read the articles and write me a little response about what he had learned. Kid got all flustered about it and went to the principal (real hot headed freshmen kid). our principal was also our AD at the time (highly ineffective at both, she is no longer in the school after 1 year) she called me into her office and overruled me right in front of the kid. said that he didn't have to do it and i would play him in the next game. i was in awe, didnt know what to say. I thought i had found a really good way to handle it and make him not have to miss time. She was basically afraid of his parents, but had no problem laying into me since i was a first year teacher/coach at the time....man am i glad to have a new principal and AD both this year! former gym teacher/coach too, so he knows whats up.
and the idea of the kid getting hurt taking hot grounders did cross my mind. I wouldn't do it. I was just throwing ideas out there to be discussed.