College coach problems

I'd look into transferring to a JUCO, playing there a year or two and then move on to another 4 year

My sympathies to your son's situation.  Please don't beat yourself up re this.  Ultimately it was your son's decision to go there.

The coach isn't going to change.  Either your kid sticks it out or transfers, but generally when people show you their true colors, they don't change their personalities.

Going to get into some psych here, but is your son in a roundabout way asking you if its ok to walk away from the program?  If so you need to let him know that its his decision and you support him either way.  Kids don't always ask but by letting you know he is having a hard time he maybe feeling you out to make sure you are going to be on his side if he leaves the team.

The above said, I ran track in college at a competitive school.  The coach was a little old fashion and at times would be abrupt, distance and seem like he was ignoring you.  My sr year I went to him with a problem with a class scheduling problem (he asked us to do this) that may cause me to drop below the required 12 credits needed in season.  His answer to me, "figure it out its your problem" and he walked away.  This really pi$$ed me off.  I called one of the ACs that I was close with and let him know I was going to quit the next day.  He talked me off the ledge and reminded me that the HC could be a little bit of an A.. and that I need to take 48 hours before making my decision.  In the end it was good advice.  I guess what I am getting at is this...Is there an AC that your son can talk to?  It maybe that he is reading too much into things and that he is ok.  The AC could maybe able give him some perspective.

Your kid can go any where he likes.  Look at some other schools.  If the situation seems better, make the jump.

But beware, most coaches, like most bosses, are jerks in some way.  The grass may not be greener. 

Sorry to hear. As parent that ticks me off beyond words. However, I agree with Joe, it is your son to decide leaving school he clearly likes for baseball. What he decides I am sure you will give him the necessary support. I think the baseball universe requires at least 20 of these SOB coaches for every great one to keep it in balance.

Your son seems to be at his breaking point.  If he went to the school for BASEBALL first  and everything else second, I would let him\encourage him to transfer to a JUCO at the semester break.   No reason to stay and play for that coach.  None.  

Sorry to hear. This is a tough one. Does your son like the school and is he making progress towards his degree? Remember, that's the goal here. Transferring to another school can be difficult. Loss of credits, not on the coaches proffered list and another year older with less experience.

Does he have other coaches interested? Is there a good JUCO he can get in to?

I would suggest you continue to reach out here on this site and continue to give more information. Also, I would encourage you tell your son to continue to work hard, don't take the coaches comments personal. Stay focused on baseball.  He might be able to get past this, but if not, he will be in good baseball shape for the next opportunity.

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful replies.  I passed your advice on to my son.  His dad and I are still reeling from hearing this but we’re trying really hard not to let our feelings cloud the advice we give him (I want to say “please stay and play!”).  He is on track towards his degree and loves the school otherwise.  He just told me he doesn’t want to transfer because he feels so settled there.  So if he decides to quit the team, it sounds like his baseball career will be over.  I Hate to even think about that, but it’s his choice.  I’m hoping he at least sticks it out for the year and then decides. 

joes87 posted:

Going to get into some psych here, but is your son in a roundabout way asking you if its ok to walk away from the program?  If so you need to let him know that its his decision and you support him either way.  Kids don't always ask but by letting you know he is having a hard time he maybe feeling you out to make sure you are going to be on his side if he leaves the team.

The above said, I ran track in college at a competitive school.  The coach was a little old fashion and at times would be abrupt, distance and seem like he was ignoring you.  My sr year I went to him with a problem with a class scheduling problem (he asked us to do this) that may cause me to drop below the required 12 credits needed in season.  His answer to me, "figure it out its your problem" and he walked away.  This really pi$$ed me off.  I called one of the ACs that I was close with and let him know I was going to quit the next day.  He talked me off the ledge and reminded me that the HC could be a little bit of an A.. and that I need to take 48 hours before making my decision.  In the end it was good advice.  I guess what I am getting at is this...Is there an AC that your son can talk to?  It maybe that he is reading too much into things and that he is ok.  The AC could maybe able give him some perspective.

Your story is awful!! I can’t believe how cold these coaches can be.  I’m all for being tough on them and teaching them responsibility, but to be that rude is uncalled for.  I’m glad you found someone to talk to - hopefully my son will as well.  

First, is playing baseball at this college or their academics more important in this situation? It’s how he decides if he transfers or not. If it’s a high academic you stay. If it’s Timbuktu U transferring is an option. 

Everything in his life isn’t going to be rosy. I got my dream job out of college. Consider it like a high academic college. But I detested my boss. He wasn’t a manager. He was an authoritative boss living three decades in the past. When I started an MBA at night he told me not to get smart and quit on him. 

I kept the job long enough to use my established experience and the reputation of having worked there to eventually find a better job. But I stuck it out until it was the right time to leave. 

When a person quits and runs it gets easier to do the next time. This may be the first mentally tough test of his young adult life. The situation may not change. But your son may change into maturing to deal with it. 

What happens if your son transfers and the next coach doesn’t turn out to be a nice guy? 

As a final note, after my son’s redshirt soph year the coach left. The new coach didn’t respect what my son was trying to accomplish academically. He made it tough on my son. He mocked him. After being a starter he didn’t start the first two games the following season. My son never spoke of quitting. But he did call me ticked off a few times to let off steam. He did stay mentally prepared, delivered in Sunday’s game and started the rest of the season.

I think your son will figure it out all by himself. A little background - My son went to Notre Dame as an architect major and played his first year of Fall ball. Not sure if you know Aaron Heilman but he was the big pitcher for them at the time. Aaron loved my son and told coach to keep him on the team as his bullpen guy. Coach told my son he would never get game time but he would be on the team as long as he switched his major (because architects spend a year in Italy). My son thanked him but stayed in the architect program and is very successful today. It broke my heart but it was the right decision. 

I am a college coach and I think a pretty compassionate one. Sometimes that gets in the way of making a correct decision, but that's OK with me. I know your guy is in Fall ball but is he going to be rostered in the spring? If yes since he loves the school then just stick it out and keep his head down, love his teammates and things will work out. As in life you will come across every possible personality trait among coaches.  So if he's a hard ass it's a non issue and your guy will deal with it.  

Since he was injured last year, he hasn't even gone through a full season as an active player.  For that reason alone, I would stick it out for the year.  Was he rough on your son last year?  If not, maybe this is his way of trying to motivate your son.  Why would a head coach watch a bullpen session? Typically, as I understand it and have been told, a pitcher will interact much more with the PC than the HC.  Does he love his teammates and how important is that over his relationship with the HC?

At the end of the year, if he's still miserable and the negatives outweigh the positives, then maybe you reconsider.  In hindsight, perhaps your relationship/read of the HC should have been more of a factor in choosing this school?

Good luck

SUMOM3 posted:

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful replies.  I passed your advice on to my son.  His dad and I are still reeling from hearing this but we’re trying really hard not to let our feelings cloud the advice we give him (I want to say “please stay and play!”).  He is on track towards his degree and loves the school otherwise.  He just told me he doesn’t want to transfer because he feels so settled there.  So if he decides to quit the team, it sounds like his baseball career will be over.  I Hate to even think about that, but it’s his choice.  I’m hoping he at least sticks it out for the year and then decides. 

Though not exactly the same, I can relate to your heartbreak a little bit. My nephew is only a sophomore in HS, but he recently decided he didn't want to pursue college ball (though he had a real chance at a competetive D1 program). His mom and I are still wrapping our heads around his decision (and secretly hoping he changes his mind). My boss is also part of the "heartbroken baseball parent" club right now. Her son gave up his starting CF spot on a competetive D2 program to transfer for a different major. She is taking it much better now that classes have started at his new school and she sees how happy he is there. 

At his age, your son probably knows in his heart what is right for him. Only he knows whether its worth his time and energy to stick it out with this coach. He just needs to know you guys will support him whatever decision he makes. Sounds like that is exactly what you are doing, so kudos to you. Your story is the perfect example of the advice I have often seen here:  "choose a school you would love even if you didn't play baseball." Whatever he decides, I wish your son the best!

CTbballDad posted:

Since he was injured last year, he hasn't even gone through a full season as an active player.  For that reason alone, I would stick it out for the year.  Was he rough on your son last year?  If not, maybe this is his way of trying to motivate your son.  Why would a head coach watch a bullpen session? Typically, as I understand it and have been told, a pitcher will interact much more with the PC than the HC.  Does he love his teammates and how important is that over his relationship with the HC?

At the end of the year, if he's still miserable and the negatives outweigh the positives, then maybe you reconsider.  In hindsight, perhaps your relationship/read of the HC should have been more of a factor in choosing this school?

Good luck

Correct, he only played last fall for this coach, and in D3 that’s not much. This will be his first full season if he sticks with it.    The coach was definitely cold last year, but his rudeness is bothering my son more this year.  Being asked to leave practice because he missed a wild pitch was the breaking point.   He does love his teammates... he’s made some great friends.  And several of them are unhappy with the coach. Although they don’t say it in such polite terms.   And I agree... we should have talked more about this HC when my son made his decision.   I’m so mad at myself for not speaking up when my gut told me that I didn’t like this guy. 

SUMOM3 posted:

CTbballDad posted:

Since he was injured last year, he hasn't even gone through a full season as an active player.  For that reason alone, I would stick it out for the year.  Was he rough on your son last year?  If not, maybe this is his way of trying to motivate your son.  Why would a head coach watch a bullpen session? Typically, as I understand it and have been told, a pitcher will interact much more with the PC than the HC.  Does he love his teammates and how important is that over his relationship with the HC?

At the end of the year, if he's still miserable and the negatives outweigh the positives, then maybe you reconsider.  In hindsight, perhaps your relationship/read of the HC should have been more of a factor in choosing this school?

Good luck

Correct, he only played last fall for this coach, and in D3 that’s not much. This will be his first full season if he sticks with it.    The coach was definitely cold last year, but his rudeness is bothering my son more this year.  Being asked to leave practice because he missed a wild pitch was the breaking point.   He does love his teammates... he’s made some great friends.  And several of them are unhappy with the coach. Although they don’t say it in such polite terms.   And I agree... we should have talked more about this HC when my son made his decision.   I’m so mad at myself for not speaking up when my gut told me that I didn’t like this guy. 

SUMOM3

I sent you a PM

IMO just move on polite as possible. It is a small community of coaches and is seems they all associate together, work together, coach clinics together, recruit similar locations, tell each other they are smarter then the next guy and that everyone who doesn't coach is a dumbass, they convince themselves coaching D3 is a high pressure job...and the cycle continues.

You won't win and you can't stop it. Just do your best to get what your sons needs or wants at new school. There is no point in have a fight or argument. This isn't personal...you could certainly argue it isn't professional and you may or may not be correct.

Just move on.

Tough situation & decisions for a young man.  I agree with Joe87 that your son is checking in with you to see how much latitude he has.  As an FYI, very few college players like their HC for one reason or another just as most people don't like their bosses.  It sounds like this guy is going out of his way to make some point with your son....I don't know what that point is and I'm guessing your son is going to be apprehensive about approaching this coach to discuss it.  But, I think that is what he has to do before making any big decisions such as leaving a school he loves, or dropping the sport he loves.   Requesting a one on one meeting with the HC at the end of the season would be a good starting point to get all the information he needs to make an informed decision (if any).   

As always, JMO.

old_school posted:

IMO just move on polite as possible. It is a small community of coaches and is seems they all associate together, work together, coach clinics together, recruit similar locations, tell each other they are smarter then the next guy and that everyone who doesn't coach is a dumbass, they convince themselves coaching D3 is a high pressure job...and the cycle continues.

You won't win and you can't stop it. Just do your best to get what your sons needs or wants at new school. There is no point in have a fight or argument. This isn't personal...you could certainly argue it isn't professional and you may or may not be correct.

Just move on.

If the community of coaches is small, which I'm aware it is, how is it beneficial for a kid to try to move on mid-year?  You would think he needs to reach out to other coaches before transferring.  If so, would the potential new coach reach out to the current coach to ask what's up?

I'll be the tough love guy: I don't think anyone should quit anything in life, without truly vetting the situation.  Do not quit unless the boy speaks with the coach.  Maybe the coach sees potential in the player, but think he needs to 'sharpen the blade' if you would.

At some point, our kids need to face the situation head on, without calling mom or dad.  Perhaps this is the first of many instances, time to nut up.

OZone, very good post! Great perspective & sound wisdom! 

SUMom, this is part of his growing up...He can learn alot from this guy, if not what "to do", then what "not to do"...It may be an "obstacle", but NOT a dead end...Does your son have what it takes to overcome? Persevere? demonstrate Courage?

jmo

I'm going to go another way with this.  We hear it all the time on here yet have not heard it in this conversation.  Have him make an appointment with the HC and sit down.  Maybe there is something he needs to hear from the HC about the situation.  Every now and then in life, we do something that we do not realize or have unfair expectations.  Maybe he has done something without realizing it or maybe the HC is just trying to motivate him to be more assertive and want it.  I know my middle son at times became complacent when he did not have the success he did in high school and it showed in his pitching and practices.  The AC called me at least twice and wanted to know if something was going on they did not know about.  I told them he was the kid who needed the kick in the butt and a strong talking to to be motivated.  He called the next night and told me the coaches had jumped his butt about his lack of competitiveness and I said good.  I told him later they had called me.  Again, some coaches style of motivation is not the same as others.  Some motivate through love and others through discipline.  I think there has to be a mix of both.  At least have him ask before he quits.  May change everything.