college freshman difficulties

Hi Jerry, welcome! I just sent you a PM (private message--see "personal zone" under "Go" tab).

I think it's fairly normal to go through some of what he is experiencing. He has gone from living at home to being on his own, responsible for his own meals, laundry, etc, a heavy academic load, and he has been thrown into a group of 30 or so guys that he may not initially like in the least. D1 baseball/school is much harder than most people think it is. And I'm sure he's not the coach's first player to have gone through this. I think it would be good for him to talk to the coach and express what he's feeling and I'll bet the coach will help him see it through. I'm guessing the coach has a lot invested in him and wants to see him succeed. I think it's very important to keep the lines of communication open.

As far as baseball goes, he shouldn't make any rash decisions without knowing the impact of his decisions with regard to future eligibility to play.

While it might seem like more of a parenting question, we're all parents too and I'm sure you'll get plenty of supportive feedback on all aspects of the situation.

This will all work out for the best somehow and your son will learn several life lessons in the process. Good luck and keep us posted.

Jerry,
Welcome to the site. I sent you a PM as well.

Fusilli Jerry,

Love the screen name and welcome to HSBBWeb.

Congrats on your son's accomplishment to go to an academically rigorous school and play baseball. From what you describe, I think your son is missing more of the social side of college, and that he hasn't adjusted to a routine with school work and baseball. Your son has probably learned there is very little social time at an academically rigrorous school and playing college baseball. He is questioning his decision, and commitment. That is fairly common especially when a coach is on his b-u-t-t 24x7x365. He probably hasn't experienced that level of "inspection" from a coach before. He will get through it, and grow from it.

As a parent, I suggest you read "Don't Tell Me What To Do, Just Send Money" by Helen Johnson and Christine Schelhas-Miller. It deals with the separation and anxiety of college students and parents. What I got out of the book is that students adjust to college at different rates, and vent adjustment frustrations in different ways. Let him vent, but also let him solve his problem on his own.

Please feel free to PM me. I have a junior engineering major (pitcher) at an academically rigorous school also. It was a difficult adjustment at first for us too, but we've got thorugh it. Good luck.

Hi FJ,

I believe the hardest part of parenting is knowing when to let things work out on their own. I've stepped in on something that I should have let my son figure out and only realized that on hind sight. I think this is one of those situations for your family. Your son has set a very difficult course and NOW is the time for him to dig in and weather the storm, stay the course he has set and give it his best shot. As a parent I would keep encouraging him, support him as best you can, and don't let his current attitude make any final decisions until the year has passed.

For the sake of other people that read through these posts I was wondering what you "thought" you knew about the coach and is his current behavior a real surprise? How much time did your son spend with the coach and his staff and watching their workouts during fall and springtime before making his decision? Did he make his decision more on the academic side and hope the baseball would work out?

My suggetion to you is to be a great parent and guide your son through this difficult time the best you can. I know it is tough, because I am close to others who have been through this.

I would suggest sitting with him face to face during the upcoming holidays to discuss his situation and come up with a plan to move forward.

His university needs to be a good fit for him, and the reality is that it may not be.

Lastly, I would hate for him to make a rash decision that he would regret later.

Best of luck and keep fighting through it,

Lefy...

quote:

Originally posted by AL MA 08:
Hi FJ,

I believe the hardest part of parenting is knowing when to let things work out on their own. I've stepped in on something that I should have let my son figure out and only realized that on hind sight. I think this is one of those situations for your family. Your son has set a very difficult course and NOW is the time for him to dig in and weather the storm, stay the course he has set and give it his best shot. As a parent I would keep encouraging him, support him as best you can, and don't let his current attitude make any final decisions until the year has passed.

For the sake of other people that read through these posts I was wondering what you "thought" you knew about the coach and is his current behavior a real surprise? How much time did your son spend with the coach and his staff and watching their workouts during fall and springtime before making his decision? Did he make his decision more on the academic side and hope the baseball would work out?

For my son he spent quite a bit of time on campus and with the coach. One of the last conversations he had with the coach before he had made his decision, the coach made it clear. He said "you probably think I am a great guy. But understand I am recruiting you and that is my job to make you like the school and the program. If you come here I will not be that guy. We want to win and I can be very hard on my players. I just wanted you to know what to expect."

My son chose the school for the academics and baseball. Having an opportunity to earn a spot on the baseball team was required. But at the same time he wanted very good academics. He was very lucky he had plenty of options that supplied both.

quote:

BishopLeftiesDad said...One of the last conversations he had with the coach before he had made his decision, the coach made it clear. He said "you probably think I am a great guy. But understand I am recruiting you and that is my job to make you like the school and the program. If you come here I will not be that guy. We want to win and I can be very hard on my players. I just wanted you to know what to expect."

That is what I call a straight-shooter. BLD - I really like your son's coach!

quote:

Originally posted by AL MA 08:
For the sake of other people that read through these posts I was wondering what you "thought" you knew about the coach and is his current behavior a real surprise? How much time did your son spend with the coach and his staff and watching their workouts during fall and springtime before making his decision? Did he make his decision more on the academic side and hope the baseball would work out?

Thanks everyone for responses so far.

Specifically about his coach: To my eyes he seemed like he was very demanding but fair and I bellieve my son had the same take, although he was a little scared of him, to tell you the truth. Now that he's there, however, he's taking exception that he appears to be this freshman class's whipping boy. He can't figure out if this is just a ritual (some of the other players say that they've been that guy in the past), if there is something about my son (attitude? fitness level? effort?) that requires the coach to bear down on him, or whether he has high hopes and expectations for my son and this is his technique for extracting it. Whatever the reason, my son believes that because he doesn't treat the other freshmen that way that it is unwarranted and counter productive.

He spent quite a bit of time meeting with the coaches during the recruiting process, visiting practices and games, etc. so I think he went in with his eyes wide open.

In terms of his priorities in choosing the school, I really must say that he gave academics and baseball equal footing. Of course, as a high-schooler I don't think he really had a complete understanding regarding the Ivy workload or the requirements of DI athletics.

By the way, from all indications it appears that my son is more than holding his own in terms of his performance between the white lines.

quote:

Originally posted by Fusilli Jerry:
By the way, from all indications it appears that my son is more than holding his own in terms of his performance between the white lines.

It may be that the coach see's things in him and is trying to get the most out of his talents. So he may be harsh.

FJ - Welcome to HSBBW. Its a good 1st post.... a timely topic for parents of freshman, but also for our 2013s thinking about next year,

I hear your concerns. And you are getting great advice. I was about to say what BLD just posted --- maybe Coach is driving your kid harder because he sees the potential.

Just to be a mom/ college counselor here, I would "listen listen listen" very carefully to your son. Sure, it is probably all normal adjustment, but it might be more than that so keep your radar up.

And, once fall ball winds down, he will have a chance to be a 'regular' student and make some more friends, but I suspect the academic pressures will really start to cook up at that point, with mid terms/paperes/ finals etc. and it might feel worse before it feels better.

It is hard for parents to give advice to their college freshman, but you might tell him he doesn't have to just grin and bear it; he CAN talk to someone. And rather than take his concerns to the coach (I am guessing your son might be reluctant to do that!) perhaps he should take his social and academic concerns to a freshman advisor. These are all fairly normal adjustment issues, but if baseball helped him get in, and he is maybe feeling over his head in the classroom a bit, he could benefit from the support and advice of the pros on campus.

There are many students (not just recruited athletes, either) on every Ivy/high end academic college campus who are overwhelmed, but afraid to show it. I have heard so many kids say "I honestly walked around all of freshman year saying I don't belong here, everyone is smarter than me, I can't cut it." But most make it through.

In terms of making friends, that might be tougher during fall ball ---I am sure he is too busy to do much more than school and baseball. Can he join an activity? Do a service project or do something with campus ministry if he is so inclined?


Keep talking to us, we would love to know how things develop.

Great and timely topic. Thinking back to my own college experience, I had a hard time adjusting and I wasn't an athlete but I did leave a boyfriend at home and now I can see that was the root of my homesickness. I hope like heck my kids don't get involved beyond casually in high school because it complicates things.
I would really try to ferret out how much of this is school or baseball versus missing his girlfriend. If it's his girl friend I think some serious counseling from you is in order. He could be ruining a great experience pining away for someone.

That said, I will tell you I saw my son for the first time in two months recently and came home sad for him. He is very happy, his team mates are more like brothers which is probably why he can deal with a schedule that starts at 5:00 am and often ends at study hall at 10:00 without time for meals some days. I have never seen the kid so incredibly tired. He doesn't complain but it was hard on me to see it when I remember college as the time of my life and his experience is really totally about work and commitment and more work.

I would ask about the team....if he isn't bonding with the guys he spends so much time with, perhaps the school wasn't the right fit? If the coach is getting him down, maybe he really isn't someone who wants to add the 30 hours of baseball into an incredibly academic school? Good advice on talking it through during the holidays when the heat is off.

Oh man, I feel bad for you and your son. Tough situation.

I remember this topic coming up last fall. What I remember is that there was no one answer.

You've come to a great place for advice.

I once asked my father a similar question about one of my kids who was struggling. He gave me a three word answer. "Be a lighthouse." It wasn't the advice I was expecting. I found out that it was pretty good advice.

Coaches do not spend time or effort on players that they do not believe can help their program. I know as a coach I have always been tough on players that I saw potential in and I wanted to push them for a number of reasons. I wanted to see if they were mentally tough. I wanted to create mental toughness. I wanted to get them to understand what it was going to take. I wanted to get the best out of them and I felt I was going to have to push to get it out. If this coach is all over your son and he is indeed holding his own between the white lines then imo that is a good sign as far as the baseball goes.

Your son is missing his girlfriend. He needs to get over that if he is going to survive. He had to know that when he left for school and baseball he was going to be away from his girlfriend. School is tough. Yes it is. Especially when your having to spend a lot of time on your sport as well. He had to know that when he left home if not he does now so deal with it. The coach is all over him. Coaches don't spend time all over players they don't think can help them. Embrace the attention. Be glad he cares enough to spend his time all over you. Your holding your own between the white lines. Good, you now know that you can come in and compete as a freshman with players much older, experienced, stronger etc than you are.

Make a decision and make it now. I am going to grind this thing out and do what I have to do to do this. Or quit. The problem is with that second choice is its just too easy to get used to that second option. Good luck to your son. He is in a man's world now. He either has to become a man real quick or suffer the consequences of not.

All good advice.

When I look at the freshman retention rates at the Ivies, the numbers are high. 93 percent and up at the Ivies I just checked. So one piece of good news is that your son is surrounded by kids who are going to tough it out.

If your son has always excelled at school and baseball, it can be very disconcerting to be in an environment where it is so difficult to feel excellent. Lots of high performers are perfectionists, which results in self induced pressure.

Hopefully things will look up for him soon.

Hang in there! It takes the kids time to adjust and it will get better given time. You've gotten great advice and I can only add my perspective looking back from the end of the journey.

Speaking as a parent whose son graduated last May (but still playing in college), this is the time of their lives. My son and his teammates all say how great their college baseball experience was. When the alumni come back for the annual alumni game it's interesting to hear how much they miss college and playing baseball.

It is a huge adjustment, fall ball is hard, early morning work-outs are hard, academics are probably more difficult than anything they've ever done, and they are constantly tired and not eating the same way they did at home. But if they hang in there the reward will be greater than they can imagine.

There was this kid I coached once who had tons of talent but was weak mentally and liked to complain that the coaches didn't like him because they were always getting onto him. My buddy I coached with and myself were talking to him one day and my buddy said; "don't get upset when coaches get onto you because that shows we care and trying to get the most out of you. But you need to worry when we stop getting onto you because that means we've given up on you and won't try to get the best out of you."

I thought that was some great advice and goes to show that just because a coach is tough on you it's not the end of the world. There are tougher things in life than getting yelled at while in a sport.

Tell your son everyone goes through this and it's not anything unique to him. He can either grind through it and accomplish something amazing or he can be just like thousands every year who just aren't tough enough to make it and quit. Then it gets easier to quit from there on out.