Deciding on a school; when favorite is different between parents and kid

This is a tough one and happens all the time without baseball too.  There are so many variables it's tough to answer, but if the schools were close enough academically, geographically, financially, baseball level-wise, and culturally, I would let my son pick it.  You say you are worried about if he's choosing for the right reasons, but you don't give the reasons.   Only you know your son, the schools, and his reasoning. If you really think he's off base, I would try hard to help him see your concerns.   Just not enough info for the board to help is my guess. 

My advise is to just make your case why you like a particular school, avoid using phrases like "you should" or "it would be better for you", etc.  Just keep coming up with concrete things about the school that make it a great fit vs  "telling him" why it's " right for him".  Avoid the "we really want you to consider school x", or "we really want you to go here" type phrases.  Kids often do want to please their parents, but only when they believe it was their idea to do so.  Point out the things that make a great fit for him, without actually saying this or that is a great fit for him, let him put the 2 and 2 together.

We often (but not obviously) talked about how much we liked a particular school because of x or y reason.  What good options it had in his major, etc.  We focused on what a great school it was vs. it being a great school for him (even though that's why we liked it), because that would have been our opinion, not his.  Eventually that's where he chose to go and was excited about it.  He started out with a few different ideas, but he made the choice and we were very happy.

that's what worked for us, anyway.  Now all of that could be total dumb luck, and he just honestly chose the school on his own, but like I said, we are all happy he chose the school we wanted.

My personal experience has always been to be very careful about making recommendations or suggestions about major life decisions to your children, because, when they go that way and it doesn't work out, they will blame you for pushing them in that direction.

Some will say that's a cop-out and that we need to make our children own their decisions. But the reality is that they are still kids, not always mature, and don't want bad things on their ledger.

Better to educate them in a subtle manner and hope that they reach the right decision on their own without you leading them in an obvious way.

My only suggestion to have an open mind and listen to his sound reasons for A over B and C.   If finances are an issue then that needs to be part of the equation and conversation for you   We did not have this issue, but we had plenty of conversations with each of our sons at the dinner table about each of the schools they were considering.  All 3 sons think logically, so things like financials, average starting salary, average years to graduate in their major, access to internships, etc played a big part in their decisions.   I think having skin in the game makes a 17 or 18 year old think this through carefully.   We let them have the final say as they were each paying 50% of the total cost.

I would do some serious research on the side to be sure of your son's facts as well as your own prior to sitting down.   

Good luck!

It’s the kid’s choice.  Land the helicopter

@3and2Fastball posted:

It’s the kid’s choice.  Land the helicopter

I don’t agree with this. Parents are still paying for the majority of a college baseball players costs. As long as parents are footing the bill they have a say. It should be a collective decision with the emphasis being on the next 40 years. Not the next 4.

We liked all my son's choices, but had some concerns about each of them.  We made charts about what he liked about each school, ranked them, etc.  I asked on this board what the "right reasons" should be.  In the end, there was one thing he  liked about the coach/program, which he kind of mumbled one time, which is what was most important in his decision.  And, that has impacted his baseball progress the way he wanted it to.

Listen carefully to your son, and try to figure out what are the key things that are impacting his decision.

My son told. us he thought he wanted to go to Iowa. I was worried, there were other schools that wanted him a lot more and had offered better deals. He said he was ready to commit one day, I said i had questions we should talk about that night.

He worked after school, came home and said "yea, so I called Iowa and said I was coming, then called the other schools and said I wasn't coming. What did you want to talk about?"

I wanted him to take what I saw an easier path, he was ready to take a risk and go for it. He made the right choice.

@adbono posted:

I don’t agree with this. Parents are still paying for the majority of a college baseball players costs. As long as parents are footing the bill they have a say. It should be a collective decision with the emphasis being on the next 40 years. Not the next 4.

Not always.  When our son was choosing, we told him that he was responsible for paying for the rest of his schooling after his baseball scholarships using financial aid (loans, scholarships, etc.) We would help with some, but the majority of it was his responsibility so he had to decide how much debt he wanted to have when he was done.  He chose the DI mid-major school that gave him 60% in scholarship money and offered him immediate playing time over the P5 school that was going to give him 20% and also had a higher cost of attendance.   

@anotherparent posted:

We liked all my son's choices, but had some concerns about each of them.  We made charts about what he liked about each school, ranked them, etc.  I asked on this board what the "right reasons" should be.  In the end, there was one thing he  liked about the coach/program, which he kind of mumbled one time, which is what was most important in his decision.  And, that has impacted his baseball progress the way he wanted it to.

Listen carefully to your son, and try to figure out what are the key things that are impacting his decision.

Thank you for the link to the old post. That was a very insightful thread.

If we are paying for it, we should a say, we can debate the merits of the final say, but for me the issue is the major. I will not pay if it takes him until year 4 to declare one and if it is not on my approved list of majors, I will not pay. There will be a hefty student loan bill waiting for him

It is the player's choice!  They have to study & play at the school for hopefully 4 years...not the parents.  The parents may have a say financially but perhaps parents can establish a budget they will provide for school and then let the player make their first "big boy" decision.  They can always apply for financial aid if cost of attendance is over budget. My parents always told me "Just because you are cold don't make your kid wear a sweater."

We had this issue. In my mind my son was making a 4 year decision and I wanted him to make a 40 year decision. We were also concerned (as a mid-Atlantic kid) that he wasn’t really digesting cultural differences in the Deep South. Our solution was to expose him as much as possible to his options (we ended up going to the school he chose three times), talking a lot…but ultimately leaving the decision up to him after allying our concerns with campus tours, conversations with existing students and coaches. We came to love the decision for him.

I agree with other posters. The only caveat to really inserting yourself is if there is a financial consideration. Otherwise I think, in the end, the kid has to live with the decision so our role, as much as possible, is to guide and advise but not dictate. There is value in almost every experience.