Skip to main content

I would like to spin off another thread "Should the parents be a negative factor"

HM parents are a fact of life. Many of us can avoid them most of the time, but those who coach them cannot.

No one wants to deal with the HM parent, and too often the kid gets the raw end of the deal.

For once let's not place any blame. Let's look for ways to defuse the HM problem. Any ideas are welcome.

First, I'll ask a couple of questions that can affect the process

Do you believe the HM parent has any desire to recognize themself and change?

Do you believe the HM parent would welcome suggestions on how to achieve their goal in less intrusive ways?

Do you believe that trying to help the HM is butting your nose into someone else's business?

We have a lot of baseball experience on this board, perhaps we can find one or two folks who have been successful at defusing the HM problem and are willing to share their ideas.
Original Post

Replies sorted oldest to newest

I have been on both sides of this issue.

As a coach, with some parents using their influence to destroy the team morale and cohesiveness in an effort to promote their own son's at the expense of everything else. Parents who use "political pull" to get decisions from League Boards to promote their own teams to set up the "outcome" before the season is played out.

And as parents unhappy about the treatment of our son as a minor in one BB program...where we pulled our son out of the program.

Let's define our terms here. HM meaning "high maintenance" or parents that find fault with most everything, because they could run things better, coach better?

Where they feel that their son is not appreciated for his talents and not been used in a role where his talents could shine through to the exclusion of every other player...is that what we mean by a HM?

The best approach to avoid all of this is to set down the rules for everyone at the beginning of the season as we use to do when I my son played Pop Warner Football.

For some reason in youth BB they do not do this to the extent of the youth football programs. Maybe it is because in youth football the kids have to submit to a certifiable weight validation every week and parents realize that any unpleasant behavior by them can have a direct impact on whether their kid sits or plays. Youth football teams have 33 players per team, so a coaches best friend against HM parents is the bench.

That would be my recommendation. At the start of the season have compulsory league meeting for all players and parents where hand out written rules are given to each player and their families. Have the Board president set down the "do and don'ts" up front.

Most of the time this will not be done...why because as is with most of these situations the worse offenders are the parents who run the leagues. That has been my experience.
The other thread on this topic is real interesting, and so I just thought I would chime in a bit.

Most college level coaches have no problems with parents. Most problem parents show their colors during youth sport activities. of course, there are exceptions to every rule.

In many coaching circles, we do not refer to such parents as High Maintenance, but rather as "Helicoptor Parents".......they are always hovering over their children and their children's activities.

I will not say that all HM or helicoptor parents have negative influences on their kids or the teams. Some are very good parents and are positive influences.

There are parents who are low maintenance who can be worse for kids/teams than the ones who are perceived as high maintenance.

I am just happy to have low maintenance children.
Aparent: I posted some comments on the thread 'Should the parents be a negative factor?' on page five and I don't know how to transfer them here so I won't be redundant here. I do have some other thoughts on this topic so thanks for starting it.

For those parents that recognize high maintenance (HM) parents and work hard not to slip into this type of behavior themselves they hopefully will be rewarded by their athlete getting the nod over an athlete with HM type parents with everthing else being equal. Which coach,upon knowing all the facts, would select a headache situation into his program? The possible exception of course is a HM coach! They do exist I'm sure.

The common wisdom is to match an athlete and his characteristics to an ideal,complementary program which necessarily includes the influence of the coach (the coach may very well be the most important factor in making a decision).

My point is that by comparison if you are not a HM parent then you and your athlete will probably look quite attractive next to a HM parent and their athlete. If HM parents and HM coaches attract each other than a good match has been found and the common wisdom has prevailed.

Attempts to manage or diffuse the HM's carnage would be difficult but if it could be demonstrated to them that their bad behavior actually goes counter to what they are so desparately trying to achieve then it may sway their behavior towards the better.

Anyone else have thoughts on this matter?
Doesn't almost every team, regardless of the sport, have that negative parent syndrom? I've coached youth football, basketball and baseball for well over 20 years and I cannot remember a team that did not have that parent, or one that was on the edge. And, not once in that 20+ years did they ever dictate the direction of the team or the league.

With every "do and don't" list there will constantly be new additions. There is only one rule and that is "If you cannot abide by the same rules of sportsmanship that we ask of your kids you will be asked to leave the event and if you don't agree with the League policy you and your child can withdraw from the League".

If any program was consistantly having parental issues and my kid was affected by it you can bet your bottom dollar that my kid would be playing somewhere else. The blame cannot always be put on the "bad parent" because all they are doing is pushing the envelope of rules set down by the league officials. If the League cannot stand up and promote the fact the game is for the kids, then, the League itself has a problem. A strong parent base that the league develops takes care of the issues on the spectator sise of the fence. There is strength in numbers, but some Leagues insist on having total control, and, many times parents do not like that type control when their kids are involved.
Last edited by rz1
The coaches from my son's new 12U team made parents, players, and coaches sign an agreement prior to the season. As parents it is our responsibility to be a parent and not a coach. The players are to give 100%, be repectful and supportive, and bad attitudes will be benched and for further offenses, be asked to leave the team irregardless of how good he is. The coaches agree to give 100% and to teach the team to the best of thier ability and be positive role models. We have several "outspoken" parents and so far we have had nothing but a great time. We knew adhead of time what the expectations were and what outcomes would be. The team is comprised of all-star LL players from several leagues. All are good players so in many instances, your ability is only a small factor toward playing time. Coaches look for other aspects of being a "ballplayer". As a matter of fact, they played and won 4 games over the weekend and one of the biggest complimets was how supportive the bench was. No complaints from the kids that sat out (which were definately starters in any league). Anyway, parents knew upfront what the rules were and know that their behavior may have an impact on who is chosen for the spring team. I think its working great and now I can concentrate on being mom and not trying to figure out what went wrong with each at bat.
Aparent: I strongly agree with PGstaff's post on the other thread (pg. 2) that most parents who have ballplayers in college have figured out this HM/behavior problem. It would be good advice for parents of younger players to seek out advice from parents that have successfully accomplished the journey from T-Ball to college and beyond. This website is an invaluable asset for these parents to use. Since becoming a member just a few short months ago I have not been shy about letting parents and players know the benefits of this site. Our oldest is in college now and although he is in a good situation this site would have been helpful in our college search. We have three others following him so you can bet that we will use this site often in their search.
The coaches from my son's new 12U team made parents, players, and coaches sign an agreement prior to the season. As parents it is our responsibility to be a parent and not a coach. The players are to give 100%, be repectful and supportive, and bad attitudes will be benched and for further offenses, be asked
From a coaching perspective, it is inherit in the beast. You must have a plan in dealing with this issue. Our plan is to have a Parent's Meeting at the beginning of each year. The veteran parents can almost recite word for word what is going to be said. We also make a handout (7 pages) that outlines our philosophy, talks about being the parents of athletic children, outlines our "Qualities of a Baseball Knight" while also outline the process we would ask that they use should they find the need to talk to us. Since we are in such a small community, I already know potential HM Parents and I make special attempts to communicate with them what we expect before their child makes the team. For instance, I might see a parent at a basketball game and they might want me to know every stat that Johnny has since 4th grade. I'll be courteous but tell them that I really don't care. I also make sure that they know that, while I enjoy talking to them, we won't have any conversation such as this during the year. Well, I could go on and on.

What we do is right for us and has worked well for us for a long time. However, it might not be right for you. There isn't a one size fits all answer for this issue. Believe me, I've seen this issue in EXTREME FORMS and yet, we've had success. JMHO!
I think many are thinking of high maintenance as "only" causing trouble.

Often (HM) involves things that appear harmless, but require more "maintenance or time or work" for the coaching staff.

Then there are other (HM) problems that do include potential for big problems.

I think "TPM" said it correctly when she said (HM) doesn't always include causing trouble.

Sometimes it can simply mean a parent requires too much attention.
My wife probably thinks I'm "HM" within the context of our home...and I think she is very right. Big Grin My father always told me like-it-is too...I never had to wonder.

My wife prefers the straight-on approach and tells me exactly when I'm getting into the "Double-HM" zone. Roll Eyes I know she quickly brought one of our sons out of "Double-HM" zone the other night. Smile She also uses that direct approach with umpires when her son is pitching sometimes too, perhaps making her HM in their eyes? pull_hair

I also like this approach when it comes to parents or kids on my baseball teams. We just have a little talk and things usually improve from there. I usually appreciate someone telling me when I mess up, as long as its not in anger (unless thats what I deserve Eek)...so I try hard to make sure I'm calm and not angry before giving such feedback. It goes a long way.
Last edited by justbaseball
The pre season meeting is the place that you nip the problem in the bud. I have always had such meetings.

Let me tell you a little Over The Top HM parent story and how I dealt with it.

It was when my son was 9. He was playing on a 10u travel team and I was not coaching. This was my 1 season in the stands. so I already felt out of place. There were several different styles of OTT HM parents in the stands.

There was the dad who cheered extremely loudly, but only for his son.
There was the mom who had something bad to say about every player, umpire and coach on the field.
There was the grandfather who's mindless non stop chatter was annoying and disturbing, offering useless advise to every player in every situation
There were the parents who had no clue about basic baseball rules and every umpire was out to get their child....
The list goes on and on...

Since I was in the stands, I often brought my video camera to the games. My camera at the time had an integrated microphone that picked up every sound around it. At the end of the season I offered to put together a video presentation for the end of year awards dinner.

I created a really nice video of the teams season. I was lucky enough to capture many of the highlight plays. I edited it down to a nice 10 minute presentation. The best part, that without any extra exiting, many of the annoying attributes of these parents came shinning through on the soundtrack of the video. The video got raves reviews from most of the folks attended, and I made copies for everyone. Though I never sat in the stands again, I have heard from other parents that the OTT HM parents have been a lot less OTT HM in the following years. I guess experiencing yourself first hand on video can be an eye opening experience.
I really liked several of the posts on the other thread but I did not want hijack his thread.

We have a unique environment here with many, many old timers, and many, many rising stars. How wonderful it would be if we could find a way to help the HM parents understand that you don't have to cause anyone headaches to help your son reach the next level.
From my viewpoint and experiences....if you look at some of those baseball parents you would classify as "HM"...you would probably find that it is a pervasive problem for them and they are "HM" in many areas of their life, not just at the ballpark. You aren't just trying to change a "specific behavior"....but sometimes a personality type, which is a much more daunting task. Unfortunately, sometimes the only way they can learn to control their personality is after they see the damage it can truly do to someone they love. I'm speaking in generalities here....of course there are exceptions.
.

Let me ask a couple questions that are likley to set the dogs loose on the HM subject, but ones that I think need to be asked ...

Is there any correlation between demanding, high results oriented, controlling, HM parents and successful players?

Is there value at all in having those demanding, expect it to get done yesterday, HM, kinds of parents around a team?

Before you answer, give it some thought. Not advocating, or answering...just putting it out there for discussion.... noidea

.
Last edited by observer44
observer44

I would say you can easily be a high demanding results oriented person and still not be HM.

An example: Maybe practise isn't running smooth enough to suit you. Well, you can monopolize the coach with complaints or you can offer to shag balls or hit fungo's or whatever else the coach could use help with (and let him choose). Both are controlling - one is HM, one is not.

As for your other queston, I have seen some darn good players whose parents were pretty laid back. The drive and motivation has to come from the player - not his parents.

Add Reply

×
×
×
×
Link copied to your clipboard.
×