Old Timers, Please Weigh In!

All I will say (for the moment)...as the parent of 6 kids...this question (in various forms...i.e. not always baseball related) comes up over and over. I haven't figured out the "right" answer yet. Might depend on the kid him/herself.

This is one of THE toughest questions to answer in parenting..."Do I? Or don't I?...put pressure on my kid to do what I believe is in his/her best interests...that I don't believe they are seeing at this point in time?"

My kids are in college now; so what I am saying comes from what we say at that age.

It was not uncommon for kids that played ball to start falling by the wayside about age 14. The reasons varied; some it was a social thing, some it was girls, others picked up new sports.

At age 14 my son wanted to play on as many teams as possible. Yet that was my guy; each kiddo is different and you as his parents will know him best.

My one set of advice, is don't worry about the future and the level of play. At age 14 it should be fun; competition, skills and your son will dictate what his future holds for him in baseball.

As a good student; if he maintains his focus he will have all kinds of opportunities in college, with or without baseball. As for now; it should be fun, if that means staying close to home, playing with friends, that is OK. Listen to your son, you will know what he "really means" to say.

EVERYONE stops playing baseball at some point in time. Some after a long career in the pros, some after college, some after HS, many in HS, many more at 12. It’s his life, talk though it as a family. Don’t make your passion his passion.

Originally posted by justbaseball:
All I will say (for the moment)...as the parent of 6 kids...this question (in various forms...i.e. not always baseball related) comes up over and over. I haven't figured out the "right" answer yet. Might depend on the kid him/herself.

quote:

This is one of THE toughest questions to answer in parenting..."Do I? Or don't I?...put pressure on my kid to do what I believe is in his/her best interests...that I don't believe they are seeing at this point in time?"

justbaseball,

You understand exactly where I'm coming from!

IMHO, you force your will on him, you risk losing him forever with respect to baseball. Since he is only a freshman, it feels to me like you are over reacting (by a lot) regardless of what some timeline says. Each kid will have to develop his own timeline. IMHO, I would back off and forgo spending the big money for now. Let him know that and say that if he reaquires his desire, that the financial support will be there for him at that time. Re-approach this discussion in the spring of his junior year as it might be clear to him what his passions are.

The love for baseball has to come from within. The funnest part of the game is playing it. Working at things is not as fun for many players. That is his call however and cannot be forced on him "for his own good" or otherwise. Do not let what other people post here dictate what is best for your son. Each kid is unique and may require a different plan than what is posted here.

My first advice is now that your son is in high school don't use this line anymore .... "My son has played baseball since he was 4 (he has a June 1 birthdate) and select ball since he was 8." ... It makes coaches and parents roll their eyes. Coaches only care about now. Most parents have kids who have played a long time. Preteen select ball isn't all that select.

I agree with dad if your son isn't committed you shouldn't waste the money. You're not falling behind in the recruiting process at fourteen years old. He's not going to be recruited off a team that's not a 17U/18U team.

Your son has to want baseball. You can't want it for him. My son went through some burnout last fall. I didn't see the effort. I cut him off. I told him if he wanted to do fall camps he needed to pay me $50 for each one. He had to get a job. I found out how committed he was by making him invest. He found out deep down how badly he wanted baseball when I pulled the rug out from under him rather than pushing him. He snapped out of his malaise quickly. He's back on track.

If we were talking about academics I'd say parents should hound their kids to their best effort. Sports are an extracurricular activity. The sports future is up to the kid. Never force a kid to play. He'll hate it. All I've asked of my kids in return for my financial investment in their sports is 100% effort. If not, the bank is closed.

If a kid isn't willing to do the hard work in high school ball, he won't have what it takes to survive college ball assuming he gets there. College ball isn't for everyone. There's nothing wrong with enjoying playing the game through high school.

(advice from dad of a college softball player and college baseball prospect)

Thank all of you so far for your input. I really am processing what you're telling me.

Jordan is the youngest of 4. The others had so much potential and the eldest (22) still hasn't determined what she wants to do. For now, she's a medic in the military, but can't decide if she wants to be a nurse or not, or what, so therefore only has 1 year of college behind her. Other's her age graduated college last year. We really didn't "push" any of the others, but Jordan seemed so passionate about the game. Now that he has opportunities, but is faced with hard work, it just seems he's taking the path of least resistance...

Ya'll keep talking to me - I'm listening!

This is probably a result of "Burn Out". You state that he has been in "Select Travel Ball" since he was 8! This is a lot of pressure and concomitant (sorry) Along With that there is a very high level of expectation.

Fortunately for you and your son he is 14 and not 17. I would throttle way back this year until he chooses to ramp it up again. Play the HS season and let him enjoy it and have fun. Let him work through this with your love and support. If he continues, he continues. I would encourage him to keep playing with his HS. But anything else should be his decision alone.

He has plenty of time from a recruiting standpoint, let him take some pressure off.

People change.

Obviously a personal decision, but you asked. I would bag the idea of any travel team and maybe even summer team, unless coach requires it, or it is local, low key summer ball. I would also scrap any showcases. I would encourage him to keep playing HS ball to keep him in the game, and see what develops. If I read your post right, he is 14. The only critical year is junior year HS.

Good luck

I am going through this now with my younger son and football. He is 14, in 8th grade. Played football since 5th grade. I have looked forward to him playing in HS. Well, the schedule came out for summer workouts and they are scheduled to work out Mon. - Thurs. from 5-7. When he saw that, he said forget it, I'm not going to play football.

He is way more social than my older son playing baseball. He has tournaments scheduled every weekend over the summer and is looking forward to it. My feeling is that I don't really want to push him to do it at this point. If he gets forced to do something he doesn't really want to do, he won't be happy and will wind up quitting at some point any way. For now I will let it go and let him decide if he wants to come back and do it.

I heard an interview with Jeff Franceour (of the Braves and now Mets) a little while back. I forget how old he was, but I think it was just before HS, he quit baseball for a year. Just got burned out on it. I am assuming his parents didn't like it, but let him do it. He came back after that with renewed interest and is playing in the MLB.

There is plenty of time for your son to make the showcase rounds. Doesn't sound like he wants to quit baseball, he just doesn't want to commit his life to it at this point. I personally wouldn't push it. Let him decide when he wants to pursue it. Let him play HS, but I wouldn't commit all your financial resources on it yet. When he is ready, let him go for it. JMHO.

quote:

Originally posted by RJM:
My first advice is now that your son is in high school don't use this line anymore .... "My son has played baseball since he was 4 (he has a June 1 birthdate) and select ball since he was 8." ... It makes coaches and parents roll their eyes.

LOL! Point well taken!

Dreams take a lifetime to build and reactions can happen at the blink of an eye. You never want to look back ten years from now and ask yourself "what happened?"

I would sit down with Jr and in the "dad/friend" mode and try to explain that above thought. Remember that he's probably never been in situation where a decision of this magnitude has come forward. Let him know that you will support this decision but will not be responsible for it.


As for the Brothers D1 friend.....Not only do teens have a penchant for over dramatization, an older kids idea of "hard" may look like an unclimbable peak to a 14 year old. If the same conversation was with Jr older brother, the D1 kid would probably say that its hard work but having the time of his life.

This is EXCELLENT advice! I appreciate all of you so much!

It sounds like I need to back off and give him some breathing room. He is only 14. We'll just have fun this freshman season and see how he feels after that. We HAVE been going at baseball pretty heavily for the past few years...

You all have save a 14 year old from a lot of parental pressure.

Thank you!

For all you parents that want little johnny to start playing travel at 8 yo, listen to mom here. I didn't, wish I had.

Another thought that can corupt the life of an aspiring 14 baseball freak.

Is there a girl involved? A 14 year old girl has the power and tools to change the spin of the earth in the eyes of a 14 year old boy

The hardest thing a loving, baseball parent will ever have to do .. is what you NEED to do here! Be there to support him, make sure he understands both sides of this consideration ....... then tell him" that it's his decision and you will support him either way!"

If you push, he will likely stop for sure! It's kind of like telling your daughter you "can't stand her boyfriend." She's sure to hang on then. Stay NEUTRAL but supportive.

Good luck. I'm betting he will come around if he loves the game as much as you say. He just needs space. Looks as if he's getting pressure now (you just don't realize you are doing it).

I have been thru this even to the point that my youngest gave up sports at 16 years of age and he was excellent athlete---that was him---he went to college , got his degree and is now a teacher in Florida who is into fishing deep sea and HAPPY-----let the boy go--he is reaching the age where he can make his own decisions with some guidance

Well, for the record, I am not a parent so my "2 cents worth" might only be worth one cent. But I would think that it's not a good thing if you let your kid quit something at the first sign of adversity. IMHO, I would think a parent would want to instill the work ethic and desire in their kid that makes them want to overcome adversity.

Just my one cent's worth

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Playing baseball can be for fun or it can be a great deal of hard work.
Maybe you son enjoys playing baseball but doesn't have the passion to put in the type of effort needed to play at higher levels. Nothing wrong with that.

You didn't mention if there is something taking the place of baseball in his life. Does he have a passion for anything else? That answer may lead you to the right direction.

Having calmed down, my instinct tells me that this probably isn't the crisis I originally thought. Like Prime9 said, I've probably been applying pressure and not even realizing it. I'm not going to let him have a slackard's attitued, but maybe a little less pressure from Mom would be appropriate...

We just want our kids to be as successful as they can be. And to appreciate what they've been given; their talents, their intelligence, their physical mobility, and just the fact that they aren't living in a 3rd world country under the dictatorship of some crazy person. I want to see that appreciation from my kids!!!!!

quote:

We just want our kids to be as successful as they can be. And to appreciate what they've been given; their talents, their intelligence, their physical mobility, and just the fact that they aren't living in a 3rd world country under the dictatorship of some crazy person. I want to see that appreciation from my kids!!!!!

I wish more adults would do that as well!!!

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gamedayrocks - justbaseball has 6 kids, and I appreciate his perspective as this is a tough topic. I'm not an Old Timer, but I have 3 baseball boys. Each one is distinctively different in the context of baseball. They enjoy the game for different reasons, and play the game at different levels. My oldest takes it very seriously, and he will play D1 next year. My middle is a 9th grader who is very good and wants to keep playing HS baseball. I have no idea if he'll want to play in college. We're going to play that "by ear". My youngest plays rec ball because he loves to pitch and be with his friends. I don't think your situation is unique. I can relate to many of your statements with regards to my 9th grader too. He seems to be interested in baseball, however not as interested as when he was younger. The truth is my 9th grader has developed new interests. It has taken me a while to get used to that. He loves playing baseball but I don't know if he has true passion for it. I have accepted that, and the more I keep "it" (his passion or my passion) at arms length the better off he seems to be. Best of luck to you.

This isn't an either or, crossroads of decision making, point in his life.

My advice is, forget the recruiting timeline. It sounds like he's doing so well academically, that that's his best option to pursue scholarship opportunities. There's a lot more academic aid available over baseball aid.

Let him play HS ball. I didn't ask my son what his goals were until he made varsity his junior year. If he really wants to play further, at some point a light bulb will go on...but in its own time.

IMO, we have all been down this road with our players. The hardest thing to do is let your son make his choice which may differ from you. I have always had to remind myself that I have played and this is his turn and choice. We always sat down and talked before he started playing any sport and talked out the good and bad, what he might miss, both from the sport and social life. The only rule was if he started, he could not quit, whether he was the best on the team or the worst, but had to stay with his commitment.
Your son is young enough that if he wants a break he may soon realize that it is something he misses and go right back to playing.

First of all, I do not believe in "burnout." I do not believe that a significant number of kids give up baseball because they just have too much of it.

I do believe that as kids mature, they can develop other interests. They can also get to a point where they realize they enjoy the game recreationally but not competitively. Maybe he wants to continue playing 2-3 times/week but not every day of his life. That's not burnout. That someone maturing enough to realize what he wants out of life, and that to get what he wants most, some other things may have to be let go.

Ultimately if that's where your son is, you should respect his decision.

But I would encourage him not to make this decision rashly. At his age things get very competitive and once he steps off the path it'll be darned near impossible to get back on it. I would suggest he could try a year of freshman or JV ball and see how he likes it at the end of 3 months.

Maybe it's just anxiety talking. Maybe he's nervous about tryouts. If so, then a successful season might cure that and let him discover he still enjoys playing, even every day.

But talk it through. If he thinks he's done, or if he just wants to play teenage rec ball or some such, in the end you have to respect that decision. Just make sure he doesn't put himself in the position where, two years from now, he's asking himself "what if?"

On Yahoo News today:

Want Passionate Kids? Leave Them Alone

Parents who want their children to discover a passion for music, sports, or other hobbies should follow a simple plan: Don't pressure them.

By allowing kids to explore activities on their own, parents not only help children pinpoint the pursuit that fits them best, but they can also prevent young minds from obsessing over an activity, a new study finds.

"Passion comes from a special fit between an activity and a person," said Geneviève Mageau, a psychology professor at the University of Montreal. "You can't force that fit; it has to be found."

full story

There is an interesting book called Talent Is Overrated. In one section, the author (Geoff Colvin) goes into the concept of Intrinsic vs Extrinsic motivation. Although we frequently hear that you should not push your kid into various activities, the concept is that it can be very effective if you push them the right way so that you help them realize and enhance their internal motivation. There are many ways to encourage and motivate. However, ultimately a kid must tap into that internal motivation if he truly wants to reach his potential.

to most kids at 14 the future is tomorrow. thats usually as far a head as they look, if your lucky.

i'd let things settle down some, tommorrow's another day.

quote:

Do I let it go? According to the timeline, we have to make a decision quickly.

Others have pointed this out but I'll reiterate - you DON'T have to make any decision quickly.

Give both yourself and your son the grace of some breathing room here. The higher the level of play, the harder it is to keep the joy in the game, because so much of what it takes to compete at higher levels is just not all that much fun.

So take the pressure off, let him play and find his joy in the game.

quote:

Originally posted by gamedayrocks:
I need your advice!!!!

He stated "I'm not sure anymore if this is what I want to do." My question to you:

Do I let it go? According to the timeline, we have to make a decision quickly. He feels I'm pressuring him. Do I let off, or should he feel pressure? (Life's full of pressure.)

Your opinions, PLEASE!!!

Sometimes the answer is plain....and right there.....if he isnt sure, then its time for you to support him in his decision...and not pressure him to do one thing or another....

I would discuss further what his thoughts are...if he is just worried that the easy times are over and he will have to work for that next level, then you can assure him that you will do what it takes for him to succeed...(training)

If he isnt having any fun, then this is a year for you to let him have it....he is still young and a year of playing at his level, without pressure and with his friends may rekindle that fire.....

The danger here is that with pressure, you can force him away from the sport forever...or for a few years which in the future actual "developmental" years will be hard to overcome....I have seen players who followed the path your son is on, leave the sport only to try and come back to it late in the HS years and regret it...

So my hope would be that you could find a middle ground this year...and make a reasoned decision next year....

The word your son has heard about college baseball is true....and its worth hearing and deciding if that is for you.....It is a JOB....a year round committment...My son put 5 years in NCAA baseball, 4 as a player and 1 as an assistant coach....he never went to daytona on spring break, he never did much of what a non athlete envisions college life....and he would not have had it any other way....it did have some positive effects on my son....the structure of team/school and the desire/need to remain eligible worked in his favor as he obtained his degree that will be with him for life.....

HOWEVER, many players who were recruited stopped playing when the level of baseball committment and college life conflicted....

As a parent, I sympathize with you and hope you can assist him to work out his decisions with you and that you can support him regardless of what he chooses....

as an "OLD-TIMER" I have seen many parents come and go over the years.....In the reality of baseball, all players stop playing...and its hard to see some posters saying they insist that "the bopper" hit 100 balls a day and attend this select camp or that travel team, only to see them drift away when "the bopper" decides that girls, or music or football is his true passion.......

There is a fine line between supporting and pressuring....I was lucky that my son at 12 told me my pressuring "wasnt helping".........

My last advice comes under the heading of measuring what success is.....If your son never plays another inning of baseball beyond HS and has enjoyed it.. that is success....

If only making it to Pro ball or D1 is the measure of success then the vast majority of parents will be disapointed....

For most players, HS will be the last organized baseball they will ever play........a much smaller group will go on and play college ball and and even smaller group will have a go at professional baseball, a even smaller group will play Major League baseball....and on and on to the steps of Cooperstown....

There are levels of success along the way....

best wishes!

The approach has always been the same. If you don't want to play baseball, pick something else. another sport, learn to play an instrument, challenge yourself in the classroom with an additional honors or AP class or two. Volunteer your time to a non-profit or get a job. It's great that you'll have extra time to pursue another passion or learn something new.

It never went further than that.

This is an interesting topic. I remember my son approaching me just before the beginning of basketball season his sophomore year stating that he wanted to concentrate on baseball only. He had led the team in scoring the prior year, and seemed to enjoy being a two sport athlete. I was disappointed, I enjoyed watching him compete on the hardwood, but his mom and I supported him...besides my daughter was still playing basketball!

Now, fastforward a year later and my sophomore daughter (also, a good player/starter) wants to hang up her B-Ball shoes after this season...two more games remaining! She wants to pursue Sports Medicine in college, and the high school has a program for the students with that goal in mind.

We will support her, and help her attain her goals, hopefully she changes her mind, but in the end she has to want it! I'm sure Gamedayrocks is going through something quite similar...good luck to your Frosh son, I'm sure he'll be successful at whatever he decides to do.

We had four kids. I had always thought I'd be the worlds best parent before they were born. Thankfully all four grew up to be decent people, and I grew up to realize I, still to this day, don't know very much about being a parent.

But seeing that you asked and me being an oldtimer... I think you should just go with what feels right, knowing you will make some mistakes.

Now, in this situation I would try to persuade the boy to play this year and watch him closely. If he's serious about hanging it up it should become obvious. Sometimes kids like things, then they get tired of it, only to end up liking it again.

Maybe tell him to just go out and have a lot of fun playing ball and lets all quit taking it so seriously. Save that money you were going to spend on showcases and camps for when he decides what he wants for sure.

Or maybe you should do something else or maybe you should do nothing. I bet you will figure it out. Let us know how it all ends up. Good luck!

quote:

Originally posted by PGStaff:
We had four kids. I had always thought I'd be the worlds best parent before they were born. Thankfully all four grew up to be decent people, and I grew up to realize I, still to this day, don't know very much about being a parent.

PG,

Your 4 grew up to be decent people - then you were successful and must have done most things right. And that really is what matters. And I need to get a grip!

I'm going to take all this advice with me to the field. We have our first scrimmage in 30 minutes. I haven't spoken to J. since our discussion last night as I went to bed in tears and his dad drove him to school this morning.

In reading back over this discussion, I think my goodness - what drama! When did I become that parent I saw and couldn't stand when my husband coached little league? Actually, I sound more like one of those T-Ball parents who's expecting little Johnny to impress the League Director his first time "at tee."

Wish us luck...it's sunny but COLD here - and we're a 2A scrimmaging a 4A.

Thanks, again, I appreciate everyone's input! I'll let you know how things progress.

gamedayrocks

I sense a problem here---you keep saying "we"---we have practice---we have a scrimmage

Perhaps this thinking is what is driving the young man away

Piaa, that really is a nice post. Success is truly what you define it to be, not how others define it for you. It's not always about being a part of the biggest and the best. It's about your kids finding the level that's right for them and achieving realistic goals along the way. I've got one son playing college sports and a younger one with no interest in competing past the high school level. He thinks his brother is crazy for devoting so much of his life to playing a sport.

Parents tend to believe they always know what's best for their kids, but the kids, especially once they get to high school, are pretty smart about what's important to them. And they can develop passions about a wide variety of things, from sports to the arts to their studies. One of the best things about being a parent is letting them figure it out for themselves and seeing where it takes them in life.

I'm quite sure everyone on this site would love to raise a big-league son (and some have), but I'm also quite sure that most everyone here is proud of their sons no matter when their playing careers came to an end. I guess that I would say don't sweat it too much for your 14-year-old. By the time he's 17 or 20 or 25, you'll look back and see how unimportant that timeline was. There are too many twists in the road to worry about following what you think is going to be a straight line.

I agree with the rest, it is his life, but I also understand your desire to want great things for your kids! But, your son has to decide what that is. And... not just with baseball. You did a great job to prepare him for the academic part, continue to love and support him on the field. He'll get it figured out soon enough. NO need to rush, he has plenty of time to decide what is the best thing to do. I also think this may be a coping mechanism as the rules have changed as far as baseball is concerned. This is a tricky age, be flexible and don't wear your feelings on your sleeve.

Hope the scrimmage was good! GED10DaD