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Baseball Friends?

CM Coach May1,000+ posts
I wonder how many of you have experienced what I have over the years. I have forged many friendships over the years through baseball. I have coached at every level over the last 22 years with the exception of College and Pro ball. I have coached T-ball, Rec Ball, Pony League, Babe Ruth, AAU, High School, American Legion and College Summer Select Teams. I actually have 5 kids on my High School team this year I have coached since they were 7 years old at some point and time. Along the way I have some very good friends that have become bitter over things that are (just baseball). For instance: Johnny was a 3 hitter now he is a 8 hitter. Billy used to pitch now he only plays right field. Tommy's playing time has diminished because he just didnt progress like some of the other kids for one reason or the other. Long time friends that were your best buddies turn cold and wont even talk to you. As a coach it is your job to think and act in baseball terms. You have to put the personal feelings aside and play the best players where they help the team the most. It can be a tough situation when people that you felt were your friends all of a sudden hate you because you are only doing the right thing. It makes you feel like the only reason they were your friend was because they thought you would give their kid an edge. A coach can really be on an island with only his other coaches and his players to stand with. This is not all parents please dont take it that way. But I have experienced it with alot of parents. Parents that were willing to do anything to help the program untill their son was not hitting where they thought he should or out of the line up. All of a sudden their desire to (just be a part and help all the kids) turned into bitterness. I handle it with class and stay focused on the team and my players. And I would never take anything out on a kid because a parent was an a**. But it is tough to loose friends. This might be why some coaches are afraid to forge friendships with players parents. I still have alot of parents that are great supporters. Even some that have kids that dont play or play very little. But the ones whos kids have been (studs) and then have a diminished role for whatever reason seem to be the worse. What do you think?
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Coach KnightCoach Knight500+ posts
In the end, you have to look at YOUR reflection in the mirror. You owe it to yourself and the players to play the best players you have, regardless of who or what mommy and daddy are. That's integrity...and when you lose that, you've lost a major quality of a good coach.
It IS tough...but stay true to yourself and what you know is right....that's my advice.
Last edited by Coach Knight
FungoFungoHighly Regarded and Beloved Old Timer
Coach May,
A good observation! I own a business and I have about 30 employees. One of my responsibilities is to look out for the best interest of each employee. But I have a greater responsibility to ALL my employees and my business. In looking out for an individual, I CANNOT damage other employees, customers, or my business. I look at an athletic team in much the same way. You have a team made up of let’s say 30 players. Each player and his parents have a goal. Their goal is somewhat different than the team’s goal or your goals. Much of the time both goals are obtainable but sometimes they conflict. You cannot afford to sacrifice the goals of the team or all the other players just because of one player. But I’m a parent and on the other side of the fence too. My son was being overused in high school as a pitcher and a catcher. I had to confront the coach and limit his use. The coach responded with: “This is not about your son! It is about he high school team!” So no matter if you are a parent or a coach…sometimes we have to sacrifice friendships for what we know is right. Coach, keep doing what is right and while your friends may not be large in numbers, they will be “good friends”.
Fungo
CoachB25CoachB25Honorary "Old TImer"
This is the eternal struggle in coaching. I really have struggled with it. I have gotten to the point that I am so cynical about everyone that I don’t associate at all with anyone. I have my close friends who are mostly the guys that I played ball with. I have my family. I have the kids I’ve coached who all come back time and time again to visit, go golf etc. However, I am guarded when I meet someone at my child’s games. It seems that in the time you can cook and egg, the talk turns to their child and how great that child is. Next comes the stats. One of my player’s Dads and I played softball together for years. I’ve told him that we have a different relationship now because our friendship will turn other players and parents against his kids. It seems that no one would ever believe that those kids of his bust their butts and deserve to start over others. It has destroyed a good friendship. However, the kids have prospered. No one in their right mind could now consider he and I friends. I have often wondered if being in a small town adds to this. Everyone knows everyone else’s business. It is a shame.
oldbat-neveroldbat-never1,000+ posts
Coach May,
Your post hit way to close to home. I have been involved in several different aspects of basball from parent-coach-manager-league official and found that through the years my baseball friendships tend to ebb and flow from season to season.

What I have found constant are the friends I have and still have once the season is over. They are truly "good friends" that I will have for years to come.

They are the friends that we have shared "Hero" moments with and "Zero" moments with, they are the friends that sat with us in hotel parking lots (or pools) till the wee hours rejoicing in or mourning over the game day's results, they are the friends that truly want what is best for their kid, my kid and every kid that steps out onto a ballfield, they are the parents that I have spent many a "rain delayed" hour with, they are the friends that I wouldn't think twice about sending my son with for a weekend tournament trip, they are the friends that I may only see 1X a year at a game or tournament and they are truly glad to see you and ask "what you have been up to" and mean it, they are the friends that are concerned when your son is hurt and can't play and not view it as an opportunity for their son,they are the friends willing to share the name (and not make it a big secret) of their son's new pitching/hitting coach, they are the friends that when this baseball journey is over I will have more memories/stories to share with them then I have with some of my family members.............

But.................it isn't all good, there are the friends I have lost along the way when the boys didn't make the same team, when one played in more games than the other during the season or esp. during a tournament, the ones lost because their sons decided to quit baseball and there was no "need" for us anymore,and so on.........it is sad to lose friends and even sadder when they are lost for this reason. It just makes those that have stayed along for the ride even more precious.

Baseball has been good to me, my family and my son........................
Last edited by oldbat-never
orioles42orioles42100+ posts
Coach May,

I have experienced the very same thing as you and I am sure many other coaches have as well. At first it used to bother me, now after 16 years of coaching, I have learned not to care. Don't get me wrong I have had some great, great parents, but they were not friends, if that makes any sense. My responsibility is to the player.....to get him through school and if at all possible move him onto the next level. Either way I win! We as coaches have an unbelievable responsibility. Help mold young men, teach them about how life works, teach them dependability, responsibility, and of course teach them the game that we love baseball. This is all accomplished in the alloted practice times. Hey, wait a minute, we need a raise!

You keep doing what you are doing. I know like one poster said, you do have some "true" friends you can count on no matter what.

Orioles42
Coach KnightCoach Knight500+ posts
Unfortunately, gentlemen, this is the sacrifice that we all make to have the honor of being head coaches. It probably shouldn't be that way - but it is. Parents can't always see things the way they should or the way everyone else does, so our judgments can really cause problems in relationships. Can't imagine how you would rectify it...except closing yourself off to everyone, and I'm not sure that will make it better FOR YOU.
CoachB25CoachB25Honorary "Old TImer"
Coach Knight brings up a good point. When I was an assistant, I really never felt this way. I could "hob knob" with the parents and socialize without ever worrying about anything. After becoming the head coach, I found how quickly the worm turned. Ironically, as this thread began, I received emails for two Dads (actually one this morning but...). One Dad wanted to take time to say thanks for what I'm doing for their son to get into college. The other wanting to know why I'm not doing more. Now, I send out a sheet complete with stats, etc. which I'm sure you all do in some form. The second Dad, in the nicest way possible insinuated that I'm helping the other kid out more and... Well, what is amazing is that those two families will probably eat out Friday night together as they have done for years. To me, this demonstrates a lot about people. I've adjusted the best that I can--reference Simon and Garfunkle -- I am a Rock!
OC Old Cat10+ posts
Coach May -
I have umpired and coached T-ball, Little League baseball and softball (through 16 yr olds), ASA softball and tournament teams. I know exactly what you are talking about and it sounds like you are handling it in the only manner an honorable person can. You do your best to train and coach the kids, put them in position to develop and win and ask that all politics be taught elsewhere. Sometimes, it works out - or at least it did for me (once).

I had the priviledge of coaching a natural athlete that was way ahead of his peers in sport - naturally big, fast and intuitive. His parents were two of my most supportive. The boy could play every position in baseball...until the others started getting growing and developing. Then one day, the natural was not the best pitcher or short-stop, but he was still the biggest, fastest player with the best glove on the team.

When we took the field for games that year, the natural got to occassionally pitch and play SS, but his usual place was in center field (he OWNED the field). His parents were livid, I got reamed numerous times for denying their son's natural abilities. He quit playing baseball prior to his junior year of HS ball when he could not break into the infield.

Last year, at the last football game of the season, his parents came over to me and apologized for how they had reacted when I put their son in the outfield. After sitting out two years, the boy told his folks that I had done the right thing. He told them he knew he was great in the outfield, but he was an average player on the infield.

When his parents aplogized, they told me that I was the only coach that had ever explained why he was in the outfield and the importance of the outfield to the team; the problem was they chose not to listen. We all get along well today.

My point it that you have to do what you think is right based on the same criteria you would apply to any player. And if you do, sometimes, it works out.
TRhitTRhit10,000+ posts
Most of what we call "friends" are acquaitances at the very least

Think about how many of your so called "friends" you can call if you have an emergency at 2:00 AM ---I bet you cannot count them on one hand

Think about it

I am with FUNGO-- you cannot treat one special without tipping the team balance
W Will1,000+ posts
coach May

It is a fine line you walk. In my years I kept a professional distance. that does not mean you never said hello or chatted but you alwys had a relationship of coach and parent. No matter what some say objectivity is not the strong suit of "some" parents. As long as "their" kid is playing it is ok but sit the kid on the bench and their demeanor changes. The guy that patted you on the back one day is the one leading the revolt the next. Just the way it is.
justbaseballjustbaseball10,000+ posts
Many of my best friends have come from other baseball families...so have some of my "least" friends. Its an unfortunate and disappointing by-product of the process of youth, HS and beyond baseball.

Just wondering...how come you don't seem to lose friends over the academic competition between kids? Maybe some do, but I haven't really experienced that.
F fan1516100+ posts
Let me just add another dimension to this topic: the very same thing happens to parents. When your son plays more than your 'friends'son, suddenly the temperature drops 50 degrees! I have observed the shift in the stands as the season goes on. Many of the 'starters' parents sit together and the parents of the non-starters hang out on the fence and b**** all game about the coaching! As the situation on the field changes---so does the situation in the stands! It is actually quite interesting to observe!
P PiC500+ posts
As a player spent my time as a pitcher located away from the team in the bullpen...kind of got use to that and find it is better to watch a game from the outfield then in the stands listening to parents complain.

As a coach I played the best players...period, and as time went by and social temperament of parents changed from understanding that their little Johnnie's needed to "earn" the right to play to the whining of "why isn't my Johnnie playing?" I came to realize that coaching was not about the players anymore, but about satisfying the parent's "ego" relative to their Johnny.

So coach, I don't envy your task, and I respect the fact that you have been able to keep your sanity in spite of all the BS you've had to deal with. Coaching is a thankless job, with plenty of sandtraps and pitfalls, but every once in a while you get a kid that turns into the gem that makes it all worth it...being in the crucible to find that gem is the hard part.

You have my sympathy...been there, done that.
itsinthegameitsinthegame5,000+ posts
Coach May,

I never took on the responsibility of coaching - at any level - with the intent to make friends.
If I did - that was great. But it was never part of the deal.

My intent was to assist the players in becoming better players, enjoying the game and representing themselves on the field with class.

To see a young man/woman get enjoyment out of the game - and hopefully improve their performance - was always enough for me.
W Will1,000+ posts
What we are talking about is just a reflection of society. As a teacher for the past 33 years I have seen education go from where the student was responsible for working and doing his or her assignments to a climate of when there is a reason it is other than the students failure. Blame something or somebody else. social factors learning disability. I had a student diagnosed with school phobia. Did not know how to handle that one. So when the kid is not starting at SS it is because the coach does not like him or the coach has his favorites. Never that the kid is 1 for 20 with 7 errors in 4 games.
hotcornerhotcorner100+ posts
quote:
Originally posted by fungo:
Will,
Big Grin Big Grin
quote:
I had a student diagnosed with school phobia.

I used to have that as a kid...My Dad solved my "school phobia"... he erased it in one day but I did develope "BELT WHIPPIN' phobia".
Fungo
I also had school phobia which was
cured with a belt whippin. It was those belt
whippins that contributed to my running ability.
i guess my folks kille two birds with one
stone Smile
S Savannah100+ posts
I think we all experience this at one time. You just experienced it late in life. People who have money then loss it; people who are up the corporate ladder, and fall. It is amazing to see the "friends" scatter. Athletes are "lucky" to experience it early. Everyone is nice because they want a piece of you. Then when you move on or are no longer in association, that "friendship" is gone.
catamount36catamount36100+ posts
coachb25, coach may & the rest of the gang

yes i think we have all gone through what you are talking about. i guess it all goes with the territory. my dad had a great analogy when i told him i was going into teaching and coaching (many years ago i may add). he said that coaching was like driving a s***, i mean manure wagon... as long as the road is smooth you are okay, but when the road gets a little bumpy, the slats slide and the s*** i mean the manure starts to fly everywhere.

i have been fortunate to have had good teams over the years and i still hear it. i was even griped at the night we won our regional championship to advance to the state playoffs.

the only measuring stick i use, my assistant coaches, my conscience, and how the KIDS are responding.

rumors are going to fly. parents will turn on you quicker than a rabbid dog. yourself, your team, your players and coaches are the important thing. most kids understand things a lot better than the parents.

over the years i have learned not to let the parents get too close. unfortunate that it has to be that way.

all you guys keep up the good work

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