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You're right EH...it's a real treat! 
BAG BALM® OINTMENTIngredients: 8-Hydroxy© Creme filled Vanilla flavored cookies, quinoline sulfate 0.3% in a petrolatum lanolin laden baseball glove.
Indications: For chaps with conditions too numerous to list and their superficial issues. After each milking for sympathy apply thoroughly and allow coating to remain on their hard, impenetrable, heads. This protective ointment helps to keep superficial issues moist and soft and easily disposable.
Helps soothe cuts, scratches, bruised egos, on strawhorses, nags, and brats - great for treating lame persuasions and outright hacks.
Directions: Massage thoroughly with large hammer or mallet and allow BAG BALM® OINTMENT to remain for full softening effect.
For really stubborn members, apply BAG BALM® OINTMENT liberally to their affected areas. For use on particularly unruly members, thoroughly dismiss their self-aggrandized feats with utter disregard for their well being. Use separate towels before each session . To avoid contamination with good members exhibiting abundant common sense, bathe the unruly members, again, with utter disregard for their well being, with plenty of hot water and scalding comments. Apply BAG BALM® OINTMENT, freely showing your contempt for these unruly members. Massage them severely with this proven ointment twice daily. This product contains no alcohol. What a shame.
Caution: In case of deep or traumatic wounds to their egos seek medical help of the psychiatric variety. Discontinue use if rash or irritating comments are all that are uttered. Keep this, and all medications, away from children...or adults acting like them.
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