Coach Parent Communication

I am about to say something and pose a question based off of morbid curiosity of responses.

 

That get's my vote for best opening line of a post in 2015.

 

To answer your question, something that works for an extraordinary coach might not work so well for an ordinary coach.  You're extra-ordinary, based on all your posts that I've read.

Good points. I know our head coach is willing to talk to parents, but he really wants the kids to talk to him first. Actually, he wants the kids to talk their coach first, whether it's Frosh, JV or V. If that doesn't resolve the issue, then he wants the kid to talk to their coach with the V coach (or assistant). After, that he welcomes parents to get involved. He lays out a sort of chain of command in the beginning of the season. Do all parents follow it? No. Have I ever seen him retaliate against a player for not following it? No.

 

I think the communication chain of command is especially hard on the Frosh parents. They have just come from the realm of youth sports where most communication is handled adult (coach) to adult (parent). Now, it is adult (coach) to athlete. A lot can get lost in that translation from athlete to parent. I know that sometimes the Frosh parents at our school (regardless of sport) feel like a fish out of water until they learn how things work.

 

I wouldn't call you crazy at all and if the system works for you, then keep doing it. I bet there are parents that really appreciate your openness.

HS is a transformation period of time for an adolescent to grow into a young man or women. They best parents (IMO) support them and allow them to learn how to handle life on their own and grow into an adult. This includes academic, interactions with other students, administrators, etc, as well as sports. Now if a student/athlete has a problem in school; then the discussion should be what help can the school provide, what additional assistance is available from outside resources, and what can I do as a parent ?, not "why can't he sit in the front of the room" or whatever analogy fits playing time.

 

A student should be quite capable of talking to a coach about "what can I do to improve, how do I earn more playing time, or do you know a coach who can help me", and as a parent I believe we should help when asked "can you help me with batting/pitching/fill in the blank"? Nowhere in this equation is playing time, where to sit, or any other variable that has nothing to do with performance in the class or on the field. Leave this to your son/daughter and they will grow into responsible adults (hopefully) if a parent continues to meddle than they likely will not.

 

My 2 cents.

I know we have disagreed about a couple things IE, but thats ok.  Here we find absolute common ground.  If you read my posts on similar threads I have never understood this whole 'don't talk to the coach thing'.  As a coach I invite my parents to practices.  Invite their questions and comments.  And as a parent I will talk talk to any coach I so desire.  And I will quickly add I will treat that coach with respect and expect the same in return.  And maybe everyone on here was a little (or a lot) more mature than I was as a teenager but these are still kids and there could be a million reasons they are uncomfortable'manning up' and 'handling their own affairs' to throw out a couple common themes I have heard frequently.  Furthermore I would probably rather talk to the parent so things don't get lost in translation when they get home and dad grills him about my response!

I know as a parent I would appreciate your open door policy, but I have to say I have seen more than one coach treat parents like a 4 year old child (and my kid is only 12u):

 

-"Oh don't worry that Johnny isn't in the batting line up, he knows why."

-"I don't know why parents are asking question about practice tonight, I told the players on Monday there was no practice tonight, I don't like repeating myself"

-"Do not take your kid to an outside instructor, I will likely just have to undo what you just paid $50 to have done"

 

...not exactly giving off the warm and fuzzy vibe for open door policy issues, and I have seen multiple examples of this "parents are worthless I only talk to players" thing.

BOF took the words right out of my mouth.  It has been my experience that the parents that want to ask on behalf of their athlete, have had a coach they did not trust in the past.  Usually we ask our parents that although they might not agree with something we do, they have to trust what we do, and it is in the best interest of the player and team that they allow their athlete to succeed or fail, to communicate, to cope, to learn how to handle situations as it will make him/her stronger in the long run.  So far average kid in our program good G.P.A 95% of our players have gone on to military or college (as an athlete or a regular student), ALOT of those players still come back to visit our current players and myself.    

 

Overall we have found this to be successful..

I am probably going to get thrown out of the coaches club at some point...  but I see no reason a player or parent has to 'trust' in what the coach is doing.  I have seen so much bad baseball instruction - and have been guilty of giving bad baseball instruction - over the years.  The wealth of information on the internet has Made me a far better coach (not perfect) and I continue to question everything and research for answers.  If we are well founded in our practices we should revel in sharing with whomever.  I love talking baseball with you guys, other coaches, players and yes even the dreaded parents!!  Who knows I may even learn something from a parent if I am not careful!  Wouldn't that be tragic if I was proved wrong about something by a parent and because of it I learn something in the process and become a better coach!  All of us have pretty big egos whether we admit it or not.  Its part of what makes us able to coach.  But you have to also learn to keep that in check sometimes and be a listener rather than a preacher.  I think I will stop preaching now...

       
       
Little side note Caco.   I discuss what outside instructors are teaching them and when possible even talk to the instructor!  Its a changed landscape and we have to adjust or get out.  We all want the same thing hopefully.  Player development.  If we can cooperate with private instructors it just makes a better situation for the player.

I completely agree.  My son has grown more due to playing baseball then any other reason.  Sure, there may be times when something seems off and the parent wants to get clarity.  I don't think a coach should disallow that.  But the boys do need to start the process.  My son was recently invited to a local D1 collage for a tour and meet and great with about 5 other kids.  the head coach told both the players and the parents that he would be talking with the kids first.  If the coach ended up making an offer at some point, he would welcome the parents into the conversation then, since they were more then likely footing the bill.  But as he said "your mother is not coming to college with you."

By the time my kids were in middle school I told them to stand up for themselves if they disagreed with a grade. If I thought they were underperforming in a class I told them to ask the teacher what they can do to improve. I expected them to deal with coaches the same. The only conversations I ever had with teachers was on Parents Night. My only conversations with coaches were, "Hello Coach." The JV baseball coach engaged me about baseball for four years. But I never talked about my son. I left that to the coaches.

 

My only serious interaction at school was when I was called in after my son decked a student (baseball teammate) who had been badgering him since they were ten year olds. My son got tired of tuning him out. After two shots to the head my son tried to stuff the kid in his locker. He learned a valuable lesson. He was suspended from school for two days and missed a game. He wasn't called up to varsity late in the season because it was a teammate (even though it didn't happen during baseball). 

 

I never had to talk to any teachers or coaches regrading my angelic daughter.

Only because she was better at hiding the victims

Her travel program was called the Angels. I made a lot of jokes to parents regarding the irony.

Communication is the key. Your players should know exactly where they stand, why they stand there and what they need to do to stand some place else. If a coach doesn't communicate with his players he is not doing his job.

I think open, honest, respectful communication is the key.  As a parent, knowing how you see my kid's game helps me provide direction. 

 

As for kids taking the lead, I'll agree with that.  Unfortunately, some "adults" are all about intimidating kids.  So the kids are hesitant to speak up. 

IEBSBL: Good for you on the 68% winning record. I'm curious: Do parents come to you and ask about their sons' playing time? 

 

And if so, how do you handle those discussions? 

I think your comparison of approaching teachers about grades and coaches about playing time is an apples to oranges comparison.

 

MOST academics are fairly objective, that is, students all perform the same homework, take the same quizzes, submit the same projects and take the same tests.  Their grade is independent of any other student as they're competing against the work for their grade.  If they perform above the 90 percentile against that work, they get an "A".  All students (unless graded on a curve), can get an "A".

 

If academics were like a baseball team, the teacher would use their judgement to select about a dozen students to receive an A.  Not necessarily the top 12 statistically, but the 12 that the teacher wants to deem "A" students (starters/starting pitchers).  Then the teacher would select 4 or 5 to receive an "F".  (PO's that rarely, if ever pitch, and position players that rarely sniff the field).  Finally, there are 4 or 5 students that would be awarded a "C". (regular backup players or someone that finds oneself in the lineup on some regular, albeit infrequent basis).  Basically academic grades can be awarded to all individuals mutually exclusive of the others.  Athletic playing time is always at the expense of others.

 

I respect your willingness to allow parents to approach you about playing time.  My observations over multiple boys playing HS ball is that many parents are delusional or in complete denial and would wear a path to your door out, and regardless of your explanation, would never be satisfied.

 

One of the best things I've ever heard our HC tell players and parents about that discussion about playing time (and he will gladly talk to kids but not parents about it) is that the parents should ask their kids why they aren't playing.  As he put it, "they know why".  Now whether they admit it or not is a different story, but I have no doubt that if a bench player is being honest with himself, he knows exactly why the starters are ahead of him. 

I think for me its more than just playing time.  I understand that is the specific topic from OP.  And I will state clearly again the coach should not in any way be 'off limits' for that conversation.  However what about things the coach teaches mechanically?  Does a parent have a right to question why the coach is telling their son to hit down on the ball to make it go up?  Or hit the top half of the ball?  Hit the inside of the ball?  Swing level?  Keep your front shoulder in?  Up down out?  Extend your arms at contact etc. Etc.  Does a parent have a right to approach a coach about these things?  For example I simply will not allow my son to do the two tee drill.  It is horrible for developing a proper swing.  No way I will ever let him as a pitcher lift up and drop down his lead foot without making any progress down the mound.  Why as a parent would you sit back silently in reverence for the coach while he helps destroy your son's mechanics?

Because the average parent doesn't know enough about proper mechanics to have any educated input on proper mechanics.  When allowing our children to join a team we vet the coach, as best we can, and then cross our fingers that he really is as knowledgeable as he sounded.

 

We are past the days of squishing the bug and the idea that a level swing is key...but some parents still try to interfere because they think they are helping, most are just causing more confusion for the kid. 

 

 

The only thing that I call "off limits" is the playing time discussion. I'm more than willing to talk about anything else that can be done in a listening and respectful manner.

 

Playing time is taboo simply because it's pandora's box and it will force you to draw a line later on an individual basis repeatedly.

 

Meaning, once you start taking calls about it, it never stops.I would spend half my week taking calls from parents on playing time, what team their on, etc. if that was allowed to be the norm.

 

Now I do still have those discussions on a limited basis, I had one yesterday, no harm no foul. But if it's deemed acceptable it creates more issues than it solves a lot of times.

Yes, that was the purpose of my post was to state that and get people's opinion on it.  here is the interesting thing.  I tell the parents at the beginning of the year that they are more than welcome to speak to any HC about it as long as their son has first asked the question.  I also clearly establish that Monday's after practice are reserved for such meetings and they need to be scheduled in advance.

 

 Now to specifically answer your question.  I allow the parent to clearly and completely state their case.  Once they finish about why their kid should be playing I will explain to them exactly why their kid is not playing and what needs to happen for their kid to garner playing time.

 

Since I have started this policy I have only had a problem with 1 parent After that 1st meeting.  I have found that if you let the parents get things off their chest you will have an easier relationship with them and most importantly they don't complain behind your back.  

       
       
But Caco we are not past those days.  There are a huge amount of coaches who will look you dead in the eye like you are the one who is crazy and tell you these things.

 

You are a coach Jolietboy, you understand the proper mechanics...most parents loose the ability to REALLY understand what their baseball son is doing at about age 11, so it would be better if us ignorant parents either keep our mouth shut or get a second opinion if we really think there is a problem because usually we do NOT know better when it comes to proper baseball mechanics, that is why we pay the coach after all. 

 

I don't argue with my doctor about what the best antibiotic would be for an illness...I just have to trust that they know better than me, that they have had specific training in that area.  If what they prescribe doesn't work I might find a new doctor, but it would be foolish to think I know better than a trained medical professional, or a paid coach.

       
       
Unfortunately the day will come for us all when we have  terminal illness.  You bet when that day comes I will get a sec Ind opinion.  Maybe a third.  I don't trust anyone doctors especially.  And Caco don't sell yourself or other parents short.  Right here on these boards a bunch of mechanical stuff is discussed.  Read it and then go to a youtube slow mo video and crosscheck it.  Is it what the best in the world are doing?  If yes its correct if no its not. Just doing that alone will make you more informed than a good percentage of coaches who teach what they teach because coach so in so taught it to them.  I will not trust any one person regardless of their reputation with my life.  Nor will I do the same when it comes to baseball.

Off topic but...We had a guest coach for a particular tourney we were in, was a AA hitting coach.  Told the boys to get to the big leagues you have to swing up 45*.  An ex MLB all-star told the boys that you have to hit down about 30*, "really get on top of the ball" to be successful.  At a particular college game I went to recently, when the team was on defense the P coach was shouting "get a ground ball", when on offense the hitting coach was shouting "hit a hard ground ball."  There are a few parents out there who would be better hitting instructors than many of the HS/college coaches I've dealt with. Never stop studying and learning, and one size doesn't always fit all.

 

As a coach I never had a problem with a parent talking to me at appropriate times, I coached everything from 11U through HS.  In fact I think it's almost a red flag.  Like has been posted, so much can get lost in the translation from coach>player>parent.  I did have to ask one family to leave the program because they were over the top, so it can get excessive, but that was more of the delusional "my kid is an all-star" parent who was just a cancer anyway.

When my son was a high school soph there were several parents of varsity players who thought they knew more than the coach. They had all coached. But not at the high school or equivalent level. I called them The Jury. They huddled for every game criticizing as much as they could about the coach. They didn't know as much as they thought. They didn't know more than the coach. Their kids weren't as great as they believed them to be. I can't imagine what it would be like if the coach gave these guys access.

 

Our coach had been the assistant of a (very) large enrollment, powerhouse sports high school. Competition for positions in all sports was so fierce parents could be very difficult when their kids didn't start. I believe he witnessed enough issues with parents he didn't want to provide the opportunity for problems. The problem was he wasn't good at communicating with the players. Unless a kid starred he never knew where he stood during the season.

       
       
Well then maybe the coach could teach them something.

He was socially inept. He had enough trouble talking to players unless he was talking AT them. He was also a control freak. But he was very organized, demanded discipline and work ethic. He turned a losing program around.

 I think the disconnect here has something to do with small town logic vs. baseball hotbed.

 

Jolietboy, RJM, azcoyote....what kind of high school programs are we talking about here?  500 students, 1000 students...5000 students?

I applaud IEBSBL's approach.  It demonstrates professionalism and courtesy.  It signals that the coach is not afraid to have these discussions for fear of allowing parents to influence him.  It also signals that he's the boss and fully in charge.  To me it's a red flag when a coach gives anyone the stiff arm (unless there's past history with a person that warrants it).

I'm in AZ which I think is a baseball hotbed, and my sons HS was about 2k students.  My bro in law coaches HS in ID, a total non hotbed, with about 1500 enrollment. One of my good friends coaches HS here as well at a school with about 2800. It's all the same issues. There are great HS coaches, totally clueless ones, super educated parents, and clueless parents, in both areas.  being able to deal with all types of people, and having a thick skin are great coaching attributes I think.  

My current hs program is not from baseball hotbed and about 1200 enrollment.  Previous coaching about the same enrollment but absolute top notch schools.