Coaches communicating with parents

I'm a high school coach and if you would have asked this question about 7 years ago I would be screaming up and down telling you there is no way in the world you should say anything. I would have said it's your team and you run it as you see fit.

Now that I have close to 10 years under my belt as a head coach I have a drastically different outlook.

I would say have a meeting (while it would have been best to do it before you started the season but it sounds like you took over in midseason) and explain everything you want to accomplish and want to do. Now it's still your team and you should run it as best as you see fit but it doesn't hurt to fill in the ones who bring the kids to practice / games.

Don't leave it up to the kids to remember to tell their parents what you are trying accomplishing - they will forget or tell the completely wrong thing. You are right the some parents will hear what they want to hear or not hear anything you say - that is not your fault. They should have listened.

Make sure they realize you care about the players and want the best for them. Also, stress that you have the same goal for their kids as they do - for them to be successful. But they only worry about one kid while you have to worry about a team full of kids.

Overall - stick to your guns and run your team but be open to communication. Don't let them influence them your decisions on who plays - that is your call.

Good luck.

Willj,

A good way to communicate with the parents is with email. Let them know what you are trying to do, write a good email, think it through and send it.
Every situation is different, every team team parent makeup is different. You have to call it like you see it. But you should communicate. I would not mention anyone by name, just be general about your approach and what you are doing.

You should also make an effort to get the dads out of the duggout. 2 assistent coaches and someone to keep the book is plenty at that age.

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Now that I have close to 10 years under my belt as a head coach I have a drastically different outlook.

I must ask the question Why? What changed?

Sound advice from coach2709.

TG that is all well and good, but you might change your mind if your son rides the pines for 2 years and then a transfer walks in and takes his place when he is a Junior. If your(and I mean any parents, not just yours TG) kid is not playing and you think that he is better than the kids ahead of him you will want some communication as to why it is happening. What should he work on? In Phoenix there are tons of travel teams and open enrollment in high school. Lots of options.

Communication with the players is desired in MLB by all coaches, why shouldn't it be done at the lower levels? Kids know when they are demoted. Give them 10 minutes of your time to explain why and you will have a steady roster. Just make decisions without communicating and you will have to reload the roster pretty often. At least in Phoenix.

He must have the only game in town then TG. It is not like that in Phoenix. Way too much competition. There are at least 40 13U teams in the state. If a coach is an a** and doesn't communicate he usually ends up with 9 starters who put up with it because they start and bench players that come and go. It is cut throat at the higher level of play, if someone shows up and is better he gets your spot, kinda like HS.
And being parents who pay in $$(1,000-5,000) and time, if your kid sits you usually find a team where he can play. It is very rare for a team to start the year and end the year with the same kids. You may keep the core but the rest come and go.

Tryouts are continuous. I am sure your top end coach does the same. If someone comes along and knocks someone out of the starting 9, whoever got knocked off is probably going to leave for a team that he can play on. Finding bench players and bench parents are the hardest part of the job. This situation gets nasty if there isn't any communication. They would be silly to pay all of that money and time just to sit the bench. You only get better by playing the game.

I am not old school and I have options. If we don't like the coach I will give my money and time and child to a coach that communicates. This doesn't mean question every call and position. But if I or my son have a question the coach can take 5 minutes for me. Woody Hayes style coaching is a dying beast. Good riddance.

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Originally posted by Will:

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Now that I have close to 10 years under my belt as a head coach I have a drastically different outlook.

I must ask the question Why? What changed?

Will,

When I took over I was in my early 20's and thought I knew everything. I moved to a brand new town to be head coach and I came in an changed everything. Before I showed up Seniors played because they were the older guys, seniors could take spring break off and return like nothing happened and other things. I came in and said the best play regardless of who they are and ended up starting numerous sophomores and most my seniors quit because I told them if they left for spring break to make sure they left their uniforms.

Now I still have those rules but back then I had no earthly idea why those rules were hard to swallow by the parents / players. To me they made complete sense. Because I didn't really get my message across it created friction. The friction was so bad the parents were at the board of education and principal weekly wanting me fired. It got pretty ugly.

Over time (it took a while because I am thick headed) I realized if I met with them and put the information out there they can make the decision then if they want to go through it or not. It's better doing that than getting a week or two into the season and they realize it's not how they want it.

Does this mean I don't have problem parents - no I still have them. But I can attribute them to they don't listen or they hear what they want to hear.

I had a young player blow off a practice one time without telling me why. When he came back he didn't play. His dad came to our next practice and made a spectacle of himself wondering why his son is not playing and why is he being picked on because he comes from a different part of town. I called the son over and asked him

1. Did you call any coach to say you were going to miss - his answer was no
2. Did you know that if you blow off a practice / game you sit - his answer was yes
3. Why did you blow off practice - his answer was to do something with his buddy or something
4. Were all these rules explained to you at the beginning of the season - his answer was yes

His father stood there and was totally off guard now - he stammered that it was his fault his son didn't call. I told him probably needed to teach his son how to use a phone since he was 15 years old. It would be a skill he would need later in life. Then I walked off.

Amazingly the kid quit a couple of weeks later.

Obviously I have made mistakes and still do and will make them in the future but if the parents know everything up front they don't have a leg to stand on when they try to complain.

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Tryouts are continuous. I am sure your top end coach does the same. If someone comes along and knocks someone out of the starting 9, whoever got knocked off is probably going to leave for a team that he can play on. Finding bench players and bench parents are the hardest part of the job. This situation gets nasty if there isn't any communication. They would be silly to pay all of that money and time just to sit the bench. You only get better by playing the game.

not the best life lesson ,to leave if your not a starter. especialy for 13 yr olds. hard work gets noticed just as much as leaving a team does. they call that quitting.
you get better by practicing. you may not get a ball hit to you in a game, or only 3 ab. practice is baseballs life blood.
communication is a key team building tool. kids need to learn to handle things on their own though.and they will be better people for it. if we need to have a meeting with a parent it's with the player as well. they usually learn how the player feels about their percieved problem. and this isn't old school stuff,i don't think it is anyway.

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To me they made complete sense. Because I didn't really get my message across it created friction. The friction was so bad the parents were at the board of education and principal weekly wanting me fired. It got pretty ugly.

what you describe is why coaches leave. You have to get your message across? today some parents think that discipline and rules re ok for everybody else. And it only takes a few to make things difficult.

I have read this thread and followed it and it is a good discussion. When I coached AAU I would have parents meeting before every season. I would talk about what the mission statement was for the team and each player. I would tell them that our goal was to be a better team at the end of the year than at the beginning and that our goal was for every player to be better at the end of the year as well. I had a policy. I would only carry 12 players. Every game a different 9 would start. And every game all 12 would play a role. For instance. 1-9 start. 10 dh 11 relief pitcher 12 designated base runner. Each game played it would rotate. Each kid was given a primary posistion and a secondary posistion. mif / of - corner inf / of - of / mif - of / corner inf / of - c / 1b-3b or c /of etc etc. In practice they would work at both posistions and they would play both in games. The only posistions I would not make a kid play were catcher and pitcher. The only problems I ran into were with parents that would sometimes get upset when we were in a championship game and the guy they wanted to be in the game was on the bench because it was his turn. I just simply told them "Go ask Mrs Smith if she doesnt have a problem telling me to sit her son so Billy can play SS". I also moved them in the batting order. If you led off you hit #2 the next game you played and it just rotated like that.

Now why did I do this? To me at these ages its important for kids to play and learn multiple posistions. Its important for them to learn the game from all angles of the field. Its important for them to learn why certain things are done on the field and why they will be done at the higher levels of play. Its important to learn how to hit in all spots of the order. Its important to learn how to come to the park knowing its your turn to sit and pull for your team mates.

Before you start saying "competitive teams etc" we were very very good. We spent a ton of time on the fundementals of hitting pitching fielding and team concepts such as first and third - bunt d and o - cut off plays - holding runners - pick off plays from the mound and dish etc etc. We won NC state AAU titles and finished in the top five in the nation several times. Our players developed. They were not the best when we started but were when we finished. Several have signed D-1 and many more will sign and play in college. They started at 10 and played together untill 14. I never dropped a kid that worked hard and stuck with us. I never saw a stud on another team and said "We got to have that kid" though some parents wanted us to. No my players learned the value of hard work , dedication , teamwork , and loyalty.
No one will remember who the best 12 year old is and no one is going to care when he is 17 who was. The teaching of the game , the learning to be a team player , the learning of a strong work ethic in the game and the desire to be the best you can be is way more important.

Coach May,

I always enjoy your posts and find your thoughts to be true and inspiring, but for me, this statement cannot be beat. Not only as to the game of baseball, but for life.

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No one will remember who the best 12 year old is and no one is going to care when he is 17 who was. The teaching of the game , the learning to be a team player , the learning of a strong work ethic in the game and the desire to be the best you can be is way more important.

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Originally posted by Will:

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To me they made complete sense. Because I didn't really get my message across it created friction. The friction was so bad the parents were at the board of education and principal weekly wanting me fired. It got pretty ugly.

what you describe is why coaches leave. You have to get your message across? today some parents think that discipline and rules re ok for everybody else. And it only takes a few to make things difficult.

You are completely right that this is what gets some guys out of the business. I know some of the colleagues I have come to respect over the years competing against them have left because of this.

I know a guy who just got an $80,000 indoor hitting facility built by his field. He raised the money and got the work done through his team. The school and Board of Ed did nothing to help him. He was fired because one of the board member's sons didn't play enough. And they were very successful.

My situation has changed a lot since I have taken over because I am able to work with parents a lot better now. But it's a two way street - I started communicating better and they are not as crazy as the first couple of bunches.

Times have changed and if you want to coach you need to be able to communicate with the parents (because they will be the ones who are raising the money you need) and have thicker skin because some parents think "I helped raised this money - I should have a say in how the team is run."

The strange thing about this thread is that I agree with a lot of the things that are said by the other coaches. But it does come down to communication. 13U and HS kids have less to say in the decision of what team they play for than the parents do. Not as much in HS, but a lot more in 14U and below. The parents need to know what is going on or they will take their money and time elsewhere. That is a fact! I have seen many kids leave teams because of playing time. They never get cut, they just fade away due to playing time. How many 14U teams and below have 14-15 kids at every game? Not very many. And not for very long.
I understand that parents who constantly question the coach and badger him about his decisions are a pain in the a** and I never suggested otherwise. But if your kid gets bumped out of his position and now only plays 2-3 innings a tournament, you have a right to know why. How else can you work on things to improve? If you don't have a chance to compete it is always better to find a team you can play on than a team that you sit on unless every other coach in the state can't teach the game. Lots of good coaches out there. It may be quitting, but who hasn't quit a job to take a better one? I would like to bet that everyone isn't still working at McDonalds or bucking bales.

The point to all my rambling is you have got to communicate with the parents and players!! It is a fine line but it has to be done.

As a parent that has been the financial, emotional, educational and moral guide to my son, I have learned that there is only one thing that I can and should talk to his coach about.

My son's welfare. This encompasses his health and education, it does not include baseball.

The coaches spend more time now with my son than I, it is only reasonable that I talk to them about his welfare. It is not fare of me to expect them to talk to me about baseball, that is between my son and the coaches.

The only way that I can be of help to my son is to support the coaches, his teammates and other families to the extent that I can.

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Originally posted by ILVBB:
As a parent that has been the financial, emotional, educational and moral guide to my son, I have learned that there is only one thing that I can and should talk to his coach about.

My son's welfare. This encompasses his health and education, it does not include baseball.

The coaches spend more time now with my son than I, it is only reasonable that I talk to them about his welfare. It is not fare of me to expect them to talk to me about baseball, that is between my son and the coaches.

The only way that I can be of help to my son is to support the coaches, his teammates and other families to the extent that I can.

Great post and unfortunately you might be in the minority.

Parents tend to fall into one of three categories

First one - interfering - while this may be a small group they cause the most trouble

Second one - don't care - maybe the biggest group. They don't care what goes and won't say a word

Third one - supportive - another small group who coaches love to deal with

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Times have changed and if you want to coach you need to be able to communicate with the parents (because they will be the ones who are raising the money you need) and have thicker skin because some parents think "I helped raised this money - I should have a say in how the team is run."

able to communicate or kiss their butt a fine line

youth/summer coaches should be required to read & memorize coach May's post about how he runs a team -

basicly ya have a range of ideas from "iron fist" to "senitive communication" and many mistakes will be made and teams destroyed by each extreme before eventually learning that Coach May's way is best -

so why not save some time & grief

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Originally posted by Will:

quote:

Times have changed and if you want to coach you need to be able to communicate with the parents (because they will be the ones who are raising the money you need) and have thicker skin because some parents think "I helped raised this money - I should have a say in how the team is run."

able to communicate or kiss their butt a fine line

If you communicate up front and say that everyone has to raise money but how much you raise doesn't affect your son's spot on the team there is nothing wrong with that.

If you ask for money and imply that it might help their son then you are asking for trouble.

For example I have my parents trying to raise money to send us on a spring break trip. I am only going to take my varsity team but my JV parents will be helping raise the money as well. I told them the very first thing - everyone has to help raise money and to not take the attitude if my son is not going then I'm not helping. I said that one day their son will be on varsity and will need help raising money to go on his trip.

I haven't promised any kid they are definately going or anything. My 16 best kids will be the ones going.

If they grumble over that then it is their problem not mine.

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If you communicate up front and say that everyone has to raise money but how much you raise doesn't affect your son's spot on the team there is nothing wrong with that.

the fact that you would have to make mention that amount does not affect your sons spot tells you the climate today.

I didn't make the rules but I have finally learned to play with them.

Had to hammer on a mom today, 10 yr old fall ball.Kid doesn't show to practice, always complaining about playing time,and she had to bring it up in between games in front of all the parents and kids. I think since money is involved to play that somehow entitles the parents to approach the coach during a game as to why Johnny isn't pitching, batting leadoff, hitting cleanup, blah, blah,blah

IMO you need to set some guidelines and fast. You need to stress to the parents these three ideas 1) Stay away from the dugout at all times. This means do not bring him a gatorade or snack during the game and no coaching from the other side of the fence 2) The parents job is to get there son to practice on time and leave the coaching to the COACH that they have put in place. 3) Pay up, Show up and shut up!

At 13 years old, they are 2 years away from high school and should be aware of the fact that they will not be able to manipulate their decisions.

Hi- as a baseball mom (14U) and fan , I would like to say, since it effects my kid, if you changed things, as you seem to have done and our coach has done as well, all that needs to be said is "we're changing things up this fall and trying some new things." Fine great you told me. Coaching decision- done deal. Please, however, make sure that my kid gets why he's being moved-so he doesn't feel punished, unless, he needs to be punished then tell him that too.

Now the other issue discussed here is the fund raising and money. We are on a team where parents raise almost 90% of the funds. I don't ever question practice facility fees, tournament fees, travel fees etc...BUT when the coach wants to use that for new team jackets (we already have 1), a canopy that doesn't show up at games or 1200 huge trading pins, I would like a little input on the 'extras'.

Is the head of the booster club's kid a starter because his mom or dad runs the booster club or is his mom or dad head of the booster club because the son is a starter?

I don't think many coaches consciously favor the kids of the boosters, sponsors and accomplished suck ups. I think a lot of coaches do it without realizing they are doing so though as coaches tend to be a lot like parents when it comes to properly judging their degree of bias relative to the kids of their primary fundraisers/helpers.

As parents we can't really judge if our kid is at a disadvantage because of course we are biased about our own kid. But it isn't hard to spot cases of bias not involving our own kid when they do happen.