Guy jokes

I got a great man joke...


Here goes:

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking, and help with housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the Sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love ***.

The second floor has wives that love *** and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

I don't know any jokes

BLONDE JOKE:

This blonde is walking down the street with her recently purchased dogs. Both dogs are huge and ferociuos (sp). She runs into her girlfriend and the girlfriend can not believe how big the dogs are.

The girlfriend says to the blonde "What are the dog's names?"......The blonde responds "they are named Rolex and Timex."

The girlfriend says..."Rolex and Timex; what kind of names are those for dogs?"

The blonde responds...."Hellloooo"....they are "Watch" dogs"...

O42

A man had 50-yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sat down, a man came down and asked if anyone was sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he said, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

He said "Well actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we havn't been to together since we got married in 1987."

"Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shook his head. "No they're all at the funeral."

I have just woke up on the floor in front of my PC.
I have this terrible Headache, and I felt this Big knot the size of a grapefruit on the
back of my Head????
Maybe you guys can help me with this Mystery.
I'm drawing a blank.
I don't remember much, but I remember that I was on the PC reading the New Men's Only Site on HSBBW.
The Wife was talking at me at the same time.
We were discussing the new forum layout, and the New Men's Only site.
So the conversation went something like this:

Wife; What are you reading now?

EH; Just something on the HS web!

Wife; Are you on there again????

EH; Yea, just reading and writing in the forums!

Wife; Well I like reading the forums, but I don't know if I want to write anything in one.

EH; Why not?

Wife; Oh I don't know, I guess I just don't have much to say!

EH; You have a lot of interesting insight!

Wife; Yes, but I'm not logged in to be able to post.

EH; Why not its easy. I'll help you.

Wife; Yes, but I don't have a catchy name to post with.

EH; Anything will work!

Wife; Like what?

EH; I don't know, something like theQueenMum.

Wife; Why, do I look like Royality???????

EH; OK ahahah, how about TheSnackLady

Wife; NOooo, something short and easy to remember!

EH; Well how about , theTD.

Wife; NOoooooo, This is a Baseball site. Not a Football site.

EH; I know, I go by the Extra Hitter. The EH for short.

You could be the Baseball Honey, and go by.

The BH.

And That's the Last Thing I Remember!!!!!!

Before I Woke Up??????

Blond, redhead and brunette are all arrested in small dictatorship country. They will all be shot.
Redhead suggests creating a deversion and escaping.
Redhead is frst and yells out, Tornado.
As the firing squad looks up, she escapes.
Brunette is next and yells, Lightening.
They look up and she escapes.
Blond is next and yells, "Fire"

Can we tell suggestive adult jokes without laying down n the gutter?

Two blondes go into a bar and ask the bar tender for a bottle of their best champaign.

Night goes on and the blondes keep toasting each other, high fiving one another and yelling "52 WEEKS!"

After the second bottle is about gone, the bar tender asks about the big celebration.

One blonde answers,
"We just finished a puzzle. On the box it said, '4 to 7 years.' It took us almost no time..."
..."YEAH, 52 weeks"

Two Irish men walk out of a bar.

It could happen.

If a man speaks in the woods, and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?

quote:

Originally posted by JT:
Two blondes go into a bar and ask the bar tender for a bottle of their best champaign.

Night goes on and the blondes keep toasting each other, high fiving one another and yelling "52 WEEKS!"

After the second bottle is about gone, the bar tender asks about the big celebration.

One blonde answers,
"We just finished a puzzle. On the box it said, '4 to 7 years.' It took us almost no time..."
..."YEAH, 52 weeks"

Beautiful, absolutely Beautiful!

Skeleton walks into a bar.
Barkeep asks," What can I get you Bones?"
"I'll have a beer," Skeleton replies...
"and a mop."

What does a blonde say when you ask her if her car blinker is working?

Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary.

So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.

The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang
and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end.

"Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"

Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

Did you guys hear the one about the baseball moms that went.....

...nahhhh. I just CAN'T DO IT.

Some funny stuff on here.

I have a couple, one is pretty corny but sometimes those are the best..

a bear walks into a bar and says can I have a .......beer?

bartender says, whats with the paws.


a blond a brunette a red head and a man are on an island. they want to get off.
the blonde escapes first by swimming 10 miles to the shore. the red head leaves next by using driftwood to float. the brunnete leaves next by making a raft in which she uses to sail off the island. the man laughs and walks across the bridge.

Horse walks into a bar.
Barkeep asks, "Hey, why the long face?"

There's a men's joke running on that female forum right now. They keep talking about posting it here, but they aren't brave enough to do it.

"I'm getting more exercise lately."

Really means...."The batteries in the remote are dead."

quote:

Originally posted by Mr3000:
Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that says, "You're #1!"

Here's more: http://penn.home.att.net/guy03.htm

Good ones.

I like:

The leading cause of divorce is.......

.............................marriage. (Bonk)

My bad... Although it was a graphic description of events, I didn't think I used any words that were not uttered in 6th grade health classes or on Seinfeld...

quote:

Originally posted by gotwood4sale:
Guys...the scar thread is being moderated...

I was wondering what happened.

Two peanuts walk out of a bar. One of them is a salted.

Two antennas get married. The wedding wasn't much but the reception was awesome!

A sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve food here."

A piece of rope walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender say, "I'm sorry, we don't serve rope here." The rope walks out and goes into the alley and messes himself all up and walks back in all twisted up and orders a drink. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you the same piece of rope that was just in here?" The rope says, "I'm a frayed not."

Guess the rope was trying to tie one on.

This thread is becoming rapidly unraveled.

GotWood4Sale, Linear and CoachB25 were all out for a Sunday drive and low and behold, we were in a terrible accident. I woke up first and found myself standing by the Pearly Gates. St. Peter come over to check me in and suddenly I noticed a leg iron attached to a long chain. I asked St. Peter what that chain for for. He told me to pull the chain and see. Well, I pulled and I pulled and I pulled and up came the ugliest girl I had ever seen. St. Peter then said to me CoachB25, while you were on earth, you were not a nice guy and that ugly girl? Well she's your punishment.

Gotwood, awakened next and noticed that he too had a leg iron attached to a long chain. He asked St. Peter what that chain was for. Naturally, St. Peter told Gotwood to pull the chain and see. Gotwood, being astute as he is said, "St. Peter, don't do me like this. I know when I was on earth, I wasn't the best person but..." St. Peter ordered Gotwood TO PULL THAT CHAIN! Well, he pulled and he pulled and he pulled and up came a girl even uglier than the one attached to CoachB25's chain. St. Peter lamented to Gotwood, that while you were on earth, you were REALLY BAD and that ugly girl? Well she's your punishment.

Linear woke up last and to say the least, he had a chain and he was reluctant to pull on that chain. St. Peter admonished Linear and so, he began pulling on that chain. He pulled and he pulled and he... Well, up comes the most beautiful girl either Gotwood or I had ever seen. We were upset so we commented to St. Peter, "St. Peter, we know we were bad but what is up with this?" St. Peter acknowledged that Linear wasn't the most perfect guy around, BUT that girl, when she was on earth she was extremely BAD!

(Apologies to Linear)

How did the Mexican school-girl get pregant?

Her teacher told her to do an essay.

A husband forgot to get his wife a Valentines gift and she was furious. Tire of being neglected, she told him there had better be something in the driveway by tomorrow morning that could go from zero to 160 in five seconds flat.

The next morning the wife went outside to get the newspaper, when she did, she noticed a small package. Confused, she opened the package to find a weight scale.

A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive
country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives
the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!" "Oh," replies the
husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a
divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I
can find and make your life miserable."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a
divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no
more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS in the garage, and no more
country club, and we'll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two
smaller homes, but the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman
on his arm. "Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

She replies, "Ours is prettier."

jt
didn't intend to offend i am very sorry,no more jokes

That's OK, two-ringer.
Good clean jokes are more than welcome. We are working hard to self-police.

Women Are Like:

...Blue Jeans
They look good when new, yet need many to timely rip and fade.

...Country Songs
If you listen to some, you may get depressed and drink a lot.

...Computers
A better and cheaper model always comes along once you've already got one.

...Fax machines
Useful but high-maintenance paperweights.

...Handgun
- You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s.
- You can keep one at home and have another for when you're on the road.
- Tell a friend you like his handgun, and he
will probably let you try it out a few times.
- You have a backup.
- Will stay around, even if you're out of
ammo.
- Doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
- Function normally every day of the month.
- Doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look
fat?"
- A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
- You can buy a silencer.


...Horses
Fun ride but a pain to clean up after.

...Marriage
Isn't it great to find that one special person that ends up annoying you for the rest of your life


...Parking meters
If you don't give them enough money you have violated something.

....PMS?
Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken

...Political campaign contributors
If you let them talk about themselves long enough you wind up in bed with their best friends

...Refrigerators
They're cold and never have beer.

...Saran Wrap
Useful but clingy.

...The Stock Market
They're irrational and can bankrupt you if you're not careful.



...Wine
Start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating, then age to a full-body until become sour and vinegary and give you a headache.

When a woman wears leather clothing,
A man's heart beats quicker,
his thoat gets dry,
he goes weak in the knees,
and he begins to think irationally.


Ever wonder why?



Because she smells like a new truck!