This is from the SF Chronicle...
From the day a baby comes home from the hospital, the sporting aspect of raising the little ball of joy becomes very clear: Mom is the MVP of the house, daddy-o is the walk-on who's barely making the team and the only slam dunk is that everyone is tired.
Speaking in sports terms just comes naturally for, shall we say, hundreds of millions of men. Whether their native language is English, Spanish, Arabic or Tagalog, they're also comfortable in this global tongue, which offers a term suitable for just about any occasion and new dadhood is no exception.
So for those now venturing into this strange world of binkies, diapers, tantrums and the cutest little thing you've ever seen, here is a starter guide, a Berlitz of sorts, to help you find your way:
GOOOOOOOAL!!!: To get five hours of sleep.
Veteran leadership: Your mother in law... whether you like it or not.
Team bus: The minivan.
Desperation drive: Hop in! The kid has to take a nap!
Bread and butter play: Need Junior to stop crying? Take a three-step drop and make a poopy noise.
Quick handoff: You come home and faster than you can say, "Sports Center," you're changing a stinky diaper.
Dirty uniform: Good job on the diaper, but a little bit got on your shirt. And pants. And, uh, shoes.
Fast break: If you think you get a break at all, you better make it fast
Keeping score: About that break, it has been noted by your spouse.
Simplify your playbook: When it's just you and Junior, do one thing: Whatever's easiest.
Warning track: "If you scream one more time.... Did you hear me? I said if you scream one more time.... Did you hear me? I said if you scream one more time.... DID YOU HEAR ME.....!?"
Chin music: When Junior's Hot Wheels just miss your head.
Crunch time: When Junior's Hot Wheels don't miss your head.
Time out: Sorry, kid, no unnecessary roughness
Instant replay: You swing them around like a plane, they yell, "Again! Again! Again!"
Slam dunk: Sometimes there's only one way to wash a screaming kid's hair.
Playing hurt: Stroller elbow? Baby Bjorn back? Get used to it.
Slide! Slide! Slide!: You have to do something after the swings! swings! swings!
Double dribble: When stuff is coming out of both sides of Junior's mouth
Lions & tigers & bears: Why else go to the zoo? To teach your little one team names.
Clock management: If you have the kid asleep before Monday Night Football, you can you call yourself Tom Brady.
"It isn't over 'til it's over": Bedtime
The Big Red Machine: The marketing forces behind Elmo.
The thrill of victory: You can walk!
The agony of defeat: But not down the staaaaaaaaairs!
Two-minute offense: Your *** life. Well not you, all the other dads.
Never watch the standings: Because you are still in last place.
Upon further review: And one day you may say, "Maybe we should've just gotten a dog."
Upon further further review: "Oh what the hell. Let's have another kid."
Fan Appreciation Day: Happy Father's Day.
David Curran is an editor at SFGate.com who can be reached at dcurran@sfgate.com.
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