A very weird thing has happened. A strange old lady has moved into my house. I have no idea who she is, where she came from, or how she got in. All I know is that one day she wasn't there and the next day she was.
She manages to keep out of sight for the most part, but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her. And whenever I look in the mirror to check my appearance, there she is, completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body.
I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I think she is stealing money from me. I go to the bank and withdraw $100 and a few days later, it's all gone. I certainly don't spend money that fast. Food also seems to disappear at an alarming rate, especially the good stuff like ice-cream, cookies, cakes, and WINE. She must have a really sweet tooth, but she'd better watch it because she really is packing on the pounds. To make herself feel better, she is tampering with my scales to make me think I am putting on weight too.
For an old lady, she is quite childish. She likes to play nasty games like going into my wardrobe when I'm not at home and altering my clothes so they don't fit me anymore. And she messes with my papers so that I can't find anything. She gets into my mail, newspapers, and magazines before I do and blurs the print so I can't read it. And she had done something really sinister to the volume controls on my TV, radio and telephone. Now, all I hear are mumbles and whispers.
She has done other things - like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum cleaner heavier, and all my knobs and taps harder to turn. She even made my bed higher so that getting in and out is a real challenge. Lately she has been fooling with my groceries before I put them away, applying glue to the lids, making it impossible for me to open the jars.
Just when I thought she couldn't get any meaner, she came along when I went to get a picture taken for my driver's license, and just before the camera clicked, she jumped in front of me!
No one is going to believe that old lady is me.
