My son is in over his head

Finding a better playing situation because the player and team is overmatched and it’s not fun isn’t quitting. Especially if you’re tossing in gas, food and lodging money every weekend. Even pros get moved down a level if they can’t compete.

If a kid isn’t going to put in the effort to compete at the top level he should be playing at a different level. There’s nothing wrong with playing at the rec level and enjoying it. He should keep in mind it will likely hurt his high school varsity chances as he won’t be pushed as hard to get better.

This is a tough place to sell the challenge of academics and athletics. A lot of posters have kids who pulled it off at the high school and collegiate level.

Personally, I think when you grind it out when things are hard, it makes you much more resilient when you come out the other side. I’d have him finish the season with the team he’s on - so he knows what hardship feels like. I work with a lot of younger people who give up too easily when business gets tough. They need to know life is good times followed by bad times. That’s the norm.

@Justamom1234 posted:

Looking for advice. My son is 14 playing 15U (small in stature but going into 10th grade). He is used to be being one of the better players and now feels like he's failing in every aspect of the game. He only pitches mid 70s so he's getting shelled, he can't hit the 80+ mph fastballs he's seeing, and now he's made a few fielding errors as well. He's talking about quitting forever. No friends on this team, no fun on the field, maximum frustration at just sucking. Honestly, it's not just him - the whole team is in the same situation but the parents have zero say over the tournaments they are in (he plays for a large organization) so this will be the entire summer. They've been run ruled every game so far. My husband will make him finish out this season but he's been playing for about 10 years and used to love it. I feel like this is a sucky way to end.What would you say to him?

So, I would ask him what he wants to do?  He's not passionate about baseball and it appears he's not interested in optimizing his skills.  What he doesn't realize is that his current situation (high school) is the easiest part of his life.

I have 3 sons.   All played baseball growing up and through high school but only one (my oldest) was passionate about baseball and still is.   My middle son played because he liked it, and he could play on his terms.   Once baseball  was no longer on his terms, he had a half-dozen other things he'd rather be doing (car club at college, fishing, hiking, making money, building furniture, etc....).   My wife and I have always thought that raising our kids was about exposing them to many different things.  It was up to the kid to find out what they are passionate about.  So, again I would ask him what he really wants to do (that will take the place of baseball) that he is passionate about, and possibly really good at.  I found out at 14 years old that I was vastly better at another sport than I was at baseball, although I loved both.  I played that other sport in college, and still play it today.    Life is too short.  Do what you love to do.

JMO.

In case anyone is interested in an update - we're now in week 4 and it's going so much better. He's always slow to start but he's never hated getting through those awful first couple of weeks like this year. He was just so embarrassed by how poorly he was playing. He's glad we made him stick with it and he won't be quitting anytime soon. Good life lesson for him. 

@Justamom1234 posted:

In case anyone is interested in an update - we're now in week 4 and it's going so much better. He's always slow to start but he's never hated getting through those awful first couple of weeks like this year. He was just so embarrassed by how poorly he was playing. He's glad we made him stick with it and he won't be quitting anytime soon. Good life lesson for him.

Glad to hear he is doing better.

Some lessons learned here. Some players have a tough time getting started. This happens at every level, especially when a player joins a new team.

Moms and Dads need to be encouraging, to sit back, relax and not panic. This was also a good life lesson for you as well.

@Justamom1234 posted:

In case anyone is interested in an update - we're now in week 4 and it's going so much better. He's always slow to start but he's never hated getting through those awful first couple of weeks like this year. He was just so embarrassed by how poorly he was playing. He's glad we made him stick with it and he won't be quitting anytime soon. Good life lesson for him.

Great news!  Mom-to-mom, make sure to capitalize on this opportunity to have a really good conversation with your son about perseverance and how sometimes just sticking with something is a "success" (and many times leads to actual success.). Every path leads us to life lessons, this is a very good one to learn at his age.  

A few thoughts. If he isn't really interested in playing past high school there's no reason to put him on a super competitive team. The kids quit not only because there are other things appearing that start to compete for attention (girls, cars, parties) but because the game stops being fun and starts becoming a grind. Summer is kind of the dog days anyhow, where they are out there all day, all weekend, in the sun, and it is just sun and dirt. It really tests their love of the game. If he still has a bunch of friends that are playing see if you can get him on the same summer team. He may not be traveling around the country playing in Perfect Game tournaments, but he'll be having fun with his buddies.

Also, don't get too hunt up on the size thing at this point. If his parents are tall, he'll probably end up tall. My oldest son was always a little guy, and was still small - about 5'7" 140 -  at the end of his freshman year. By the time JV tryouts rolled around in tenth grade he was 6'0" 160 and ended up 6'3" 175 when he graduated. Hopefully you'll see him sprouting soon, and his strength, bat speed and fastball will improve accordingly.

Good luck to your son!

We are going through this right now. My son is not natural athletic. Has had to work to get better. He has never been the kid to be better than everyone else not super competitive. Something clicked with pitching early on. He could always focus on that tsk of baseball well. Although he always struggled at plate and having that natural hunger in games.
He always puts in extra work but never his idea. he just  always knew this is what was needed to compete.  He did very well especially with pitching always right in that edge of moving to next level. Always one of the better players, all star, etc.  

he had goal to make Highschool team. He made the top level freshman team. We really thought he had turned a corner. Realized his ability and would become more confident. It was short lived , he was doing great at the upper level and then bam. He completely changed everything he was ever taught.

now he is looking worse then level lower then him. Kids he outplayed for years look like super stars next to him. Practice , in the cage right before a game everything is fine. Get into a game it’s like he doesn’t want to be there. It’s all mental. He feels he puts in tons of work more than his teammates to get better. In a game though he is not getting results.

baseball teaches life’s lessons. We worry if can’t overcome the the mental aspect here gonna be other places in life.

but how do you know when they like the idea of playing baseball more than really wanting it even when you don’t get result of hard work how do you overcome that fear. It’s hard as parent because he has the ability and he has shown it. Hate to see end when it doesn’t have to.

I’ve seen less talented players win positions from more talented players because they wanted it more. They worked harder. They understood the game better. Under pressure the less talented player was more prepared and played better.

How do you know when a kid a kid prefers to play rather than wanting it? You already know. You’re seeing it. You’re writing about it. You just haven’t accepted it yet. But, you can’t drag your kid by the collar through the game. HE has to want it. Not you.

I think it's worthwhile for kids to try activities, whether it's sports, music, or whatever, push themselves to see how far they can get, and try to figure out for themselves what the reason was that they didn't get farther. "Didn't love it enough to work any harder," "not physically capable," "not competitive in that way" are all perfectly fine answers, when it comes to an extracurricular activity.  The important thing is to try it, and to learn about yourself.  That's the life lesson you want.

If your son discovers that, despite preparation, his performance suffers when he's standing there all alone on the mound in a high-pressure situation, that's not the end of the world.  How many of us actually do that in our real-world jobs?

Thanks some of that is true. It is strange to think he was willingly getting  up at 6am 2x a week plus work out plus train all in prep to make this Highschool team, but he was having fun and seeing results.

now he is not seeing results and hard to remind him that if he is expecting to gain confidence when you get results to get you out of slump it doesn’t work that way.

Chicken or the egg . If he was having the results he had in spring he wouldn’t want it to be over soon.

it is alright to quit if heart not in it though I guess but can’t just go to being lazy teenager then either.

I find with my son the only thing consistent about him is how inconsistent he is. It's frustrating especially when you know so much of it really is mental.

A short story to get to the point:

Had a son that was little brother of a ballplayer and ate, slept and drank baseball.  At 9 years old he was incredibly polished for his age, great sense for the game, great hand eye coordination and was a completely dominant batter, baserunner and middle infielder.

He was one of the best 5 players in VA at his age.  A lot of parents complimented me on his skill and one asked what I thought his future was...I told him zero in baseball.   He was thunderstuck and asked why I said that and I told him 5'7" and 140 lbs.  His face was confused - my son had broken a leg at 2 years old and the DR told us his bone structure was going to allow him to be 5'7 and it was clear he was slight of build was going to be 140 or 150.

Time came to try out for JV as 8th grader and older son was a starter as a sophomore on a team that was top 30 in US in several ratings services.  Coattails worked and younger boy snuck in the back door to power house program.  He battled like he always did but no matter how hard he tried the big field and bigger players swallowed him up.

It got so bad that at one game when he was warming up the left fielder between innings a nice grandmother type said...oh look at that little boy on the field - he should be careful.  My son heard it looked over his shoulder to see who said it ...and he was on the brink of tears.  Even my protective wife in mama bear mode piping up that he was a player felt weak.

He stuck it out for two years but finally he came to me and said - I want to play lacrosse.  He was very nervous about it....but all I said to him....play as hard as you can.  He was visibly relieved I was not disappointed ....so there is your answer...support whatever he chooses and demand full effort - whatever it is.  That goes for a lot more than baseball.

That’s the struggle. He is 6’1 and 165 pounds. Workouts , trains, puts in time.  He actually enjoys practice with team and training. Come game time says he is trying best in games but body and mechanics some games show otherwise. The mental side gets to him this year and he can’t perform. I will say  as a player he was always positive, if he made a mistake he was always able to shake it off not be the kid moping or throwing fit.  I think it’s good but almost in a way he just always hoped the next time would be better but didn’t really think about how to change it. I guess he lacked that fire to dig in and go for it harder next time. He has shown he has talent in games before , just doesn’t trust it in games.

But he is also the kid that doesn’t think about baseball if not training or practicing. He doesn’t live and breathe baseball. But he is also the kid that you tell him hey stretching and balance is good for your game. He is like Okay then he does that without question. Makes it part of his routine.   He can barely name a single baseball player but he could tell you who directed which movie and when new movie trailers about to drop. he always said I am typical teenager Mom, I like playing baseball, relaxing/movies, and hanging out with friends.

He grew about 6 inches this last year so I know some of it is body adjustment but this spring he was doing amazing.

we just have to accept it I think. Hard to see it end on bad note. Who wants to end it watching yourself strike out , and not playing your best. We have two tournaments to go and about 3 games.
Also I am not sure if he realizes how much he will miss it or maybe he won’t. Like you said he had to do something and do it well.

It is a difficult pill to swallow watching your kid question their place in the game. Just remember you did all you could to support his development and he is at the age to decide to push through or move on to other things. There are a lot of shoulders in here. My rising senior is looking for the next level, my rising freshman is looking at football as he "retired" before his 12U season...I was sad, then relieved of all the cost savings from tourneys (Cooperstown specifically, I truly admire those who believe a week stay in the HOF town is a great vacation relative to it's cost). That relief was short lived as I look back on the accounting of his flag football tourneys that included several trips on the northeast corridor, 2 trips to FL and one to CA this year. Yeah those seem like great destinations on paper, and you can squeeze out a pseudo vacay day here and there, but it is not a vacation.