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9 replies

need advice!

L larrythompson500+ posts
Speaking as a parent and not a coach, I have a difficult situation that is confounding me.

Background: my neighbor and I don't like each other at all! His daughter and my daughter are both 8 and are good friends, although they were much closer a year ago. They swim on the same swim team.

Scenario: my daughter wants to know why "Mr. Kevin" doesn't ever congratulate her when she does well in a swimming event. His daughter is a nice little girl, but doesn't work hard or doesn't really take swimming seriously. My family, and especially my daughter, cheer for his daughter when she is racing and we greet her when she gets out of the pool after a race. My daughter noticed again tonight (apparently this happens at every meet), and finally mentioned to us, that she had gotten out of the pool after finishing 2nd in a race, but my neighbor approached the little girl who finished first and raved about her finishing first and beating all of the other little girls. The other little girl is a friend of my daughter and a friend of his daughter. My daughter wanted to know how come "Mr. Kevin" didn't congratulate her when she won one of the earlier races after beating the other little girl?

I feel really bad for my kid cause she doesn't understand why he won't congratulate her. Don't get me wrong, she is not hungry for attention...I think she is simply confused why he doesn't reciprocate for her as we (our family) do for his daughter.

I was thinking about talking to him about it, but don't think it would have any effect or change his behavior. Is this silly? Perhaps we should just explain to our daughter that his behavior is not intended to insult her, but rather is merely an oversight on his part.

However, I suspect this isn't the case. I told you we don't like each other. The reason I don't care for him is that he has always struck me as a "me first" kind of person. I don't care for, nor do I respect, people like that.
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TPMTPMHSBaseballweb Member since 2003
What she is experiencing and feeling, she will for the rest of her life. Maybe it is time to try to explain to her (even as an 8 year old) about people in general. She seems to have picked up on it and understands more than you may think she does, she's just waiting to hear it from you.
L lafmom5,000+ posts
Larry, I wouldn't make excuses for the guy. Like TPM, I too, would explain that some people behave this way. It sounds like your assessment is probably right on target - a "me first" person. She's old enough to understand selfishness - she's seen it in other forms with playmates. Unfortunately there are grown adults that like the sandbox all to themselves too!
luvbbluvbb1,000+ posts
Larry,

You should pat yourself on the back for having such a perceptive 8 year old daughter! The only thing you can "tell" her about your neighbor is that unfortunately he is showing a side of human nature that is not very flattering, albeit a behavior she will see again and will just have to learn to deal with in life. My daughter is now an 18 year old swimmer...but we ran into similar situations growing up. I think that "I" learned more from this type of behavior than my daughter did. I learned that I did NOT want to be that type of parent and have always made it a point to cheer for ALL of my kids' team mates.....even if I had a problem with some of the parents or not. When you see how those actions effect (affect?) your own child, you don't want to have another child questioning your behavior to their parents. I think in youth sports the adage of "if you don't have anything good to say, don't say anything at all"...can sometimes be just as hurtful...as your daughter is experiencing with your neighbor.
Last edited by luvbb
CoachB25CoachB25Honorary "Old TImer"
Been there and done that!

Keep it very simple. Explain that Mr. Kevin wants his child to do well and so, he concentrates on her achievements. Sometimes, he notices another girl doing well and congratulates her. However, Mr. Kevin always expects you to do well and so, when you do, he doesn't notice.

We went through this is softball. What we ended up doing is making sure that we did the right thing and helped our girl stay friends with her friend. The Dad, well, you just can't fix him. There will come a point where his insecurity will lessen and he will realize that your kids are friends and not rivals.
L larrythompson500+ posts
Thanks everybody!

Jemaz...whether me and "Mr. Kevin" like each other is irrelevant. But our daughters are friends, and my daughter sees "Mr. Kevin's" daughter's friendship as an extension of friendship with her entire family. I don't care what the neighbors thinks, but my 8 year does. She is just a kid.

Thanks for the great advice everyone! My daughter and I have lots of philosophical discussions, this will simply be another one.

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