Question: What is the best way to handle telling another parent that their overt and overbearing meddling with their son's coaches and teams is going to ruin their son's chances at making any team, much less anything beyond hs?
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There isn't a best way because it really isn't your business.
quote:Originally posted by NOVABBall13:
There isn't a best way because it really isn't your business.
.... and they won't listen anyway.
I asked the question because a good friend is in this situation. I was asking for true good advice and am new to this site that was recommended to me because there are a lot of experienced parents, coaches, etc. on here. I didn't ask for a smart-alec response so if you can't keep from that please don't reply to my post. Thank you.
How would you tell someone that they need help for their drinking problem or that they really need to lose weight? Are those things your business....probably not but is it bad to show concern for anothers problems? Probably not. The parent in question is probably one that has a sense of entitlement or one that is a bully at home, at work and when going to high school games involving his son. There is no easy way to tell someone that its time to let his son play and enjoy the game rather than trying to please the parent. Parents often think that its THEM still playing and its not. It's not the DAD taking a called third strike...Dad blames the umpire...its not Dad making the error....its the field is to bumpy or the throw should have been caught....its not the DAD dropping the fly ball....its the sun was in my sons eyes...there is no responsibility assumed here only a sense of entitlement. You might be better showing support for the COACH because you know what he is dealing with.
quote:Originally posted by no crying in baseball:
I asked the question because a good friend is in this situation. I was asking for true good advice and am new to this site that was recommended to me because there are a lot of experienced parents, coaches, etc. on here. I didn't ask for a smart-alec response so if you can't keep from that please don't reply to my post. Thank you.
The sad part is I did not at all intend MINE to be a smart-alec response- it just seems to be true. It was not an uncaring response- believe me- I've tried.....
The responses given that its not your business or the parents won't listen were not smart alec and you shouldn't have interpeted them that way. Their responses were spot on.....
sorry- one last comment. i have found that the best thing you can do is not feed into it. either say nothing or respectfully disagree.
If you have genuine concern for the kid you can make an approach to the parent. I think you have to premise anything you say by telling them what you say you say because you have concern.
If you decide to make an approach you have to be preparred to lose a friend...most likely it will not be met with a positive attitude...iind of a "kill the messanger" scenario.
However internally they individual will probably give some thought to their actions and you may see some changed behavior although they would never admit that!
If possibly seeing some changed behavior is worth being the bad guy then give it a try!
If you decide to make an approach you have to be preparred to lose a friend...most likely it will not be met with a positive attitude...iind of a "kill the messanger" scenario.
However internally they individual will probably give some thought to their actions and you may see some changed behavior although they would never admit that!
If possibly seeing some changed behavior is worth being the bad guy then give it a try!
no crying:
You say you were recommended to this site to take advantage of the experience and advice from other parents, coaches, etc... IMHO, it was smart of you to listen and take advantage of all that is offered on this site.
Perhaps the advice you got should be the advice you pass along to your friend. Have them visit the site and ask anonymously to the group what to do. They will get honest, real feedback on how a parent should interact with a coach. You might be able to keep your friend if he hear's it from others and not you.
You say you were recommended to this site to take advantage of the experience and advice from other parents, coaches, etc... IMHO, it was smart of you to listen and take advantage of all that is offered on this site.
Perhaps the advice you got should be the advice you pass along to your friend. Have them visit the site and ask anonymously to the group what to do. They will get honest, real feedback on how a parent should interact with a coach. You might be able to keep your friend if he hear's it from others and not you.
It is a problem that extends beyond sports or activities. Authority figures (coaches) are in a better position to handle this situation than parent to parent. As a parent the best way to handle is to not do anything IMHO. Most of us have been around this type of behavior, and seek to distance ourselves from the situation. I can't argue with that strategy.
The only time I would get involved is if it involves my son or I was asked my opinion about something from the parent or coach.
As a former travel coach & manager, the first thing I did at tryouts was to sit down with potential new parents as my coaches worked player skill drills. If there was any hint of overbearing parents we would not take the kid....sorry but the team is more important. It is unfair to the player because they can't pick their parents but you have to think about team chemistry. We had a 7 year run, so I like to think we did a pretty good job of managing around this situation.
The only time I would get involved is if it involves my son or I was asked my opinion about something from the parent or coach.
As a former travel coach & manager, the first thing I did at tryouts was to sit down with potential new parents as my coaches worked player skill drills. If there was any hint of overbearing parents we would not take the kid....sorry but the team is more important. It is unfair to the player because they can't pick their parents but you have to think about team chemistry. We had a 7 year run, so I like to think we did a pretty good job of managing around this situation.
Our high school coach handles this problem during the parents' meeting before try-outs. He expects the players to come to him with any issues. Last year, apparently there was a parent who complained about lack of playing time for their son. All of the parents got a very long e-mail explaining how inappropriate this was and reminding us of the talk prior to try-outs.
If the coaches aren't saying anything, then maybe a different approach.
You didn't say how old the boy is. It may be better to have a teammate talk to the player and explain how this looks to college coaches (and other coaches). My son will be starting his senior year in high school and would be mortified if I ever approached one of his coaches or a college coach. He understands what the perception is if "Mommy" is talking to the coaches (although I do have to give him a gentle nudge every now and then).
If the coaches aren't saying anything, then maybe a different approach.
You didn't say how old the boy is. It may be better to have a teammate talk to the player and explain how this looks to college coaches (and other coaches). My son will be starting his senior year in high school and would be mortified if I ever approached one of his coaches or a college coach. He understands what the perception is if "Mommy" is talking to the coaches (although I do have to give him a gentle nudge every now and then).
quote:Originally posted by NOVABBall13:
There isn't a best way because it really isn't your business.
. . . unless you're married to that other parent.
quote:Originally posted by no crying in baseball:
I asked the question because a good friend is in this situation. I was asking for true good advice and am new to this site that was recommended to me because there are a lot of experienced parents, coaches, etc. on here. I didn't ask for a smart-alec response so if you can't keep from that please don't reply to my post. Thank you.
It actually was not a smart alec response. It really is none of your business nor is it any of your "friends" business. I see people all the time who meddle in the affairs of the team and who constantly are "coaching" their kids from the sidelines to the detriment of both their kid and the team. If I have an issue with regards to it affecting the team then I speak to the coach, otherwise I don't say anything. Because at the end of the day that kid is not your kid not is it your friend's kid and you have no right to inject simply because you think it should be done differently. I realize that lots of people feel the need to parent anyone they can get their hands on but that doesn't make it right...
quote:Originally posted by Swampboy:quote:Originally posted by NOVABBall13:
There isn't a best way because it really isn't your business.
. . . unless you're married to that other parent.
Well there you go then... LOL
This is great advice coming from informed programs,but it sounds like in this particular situation they are in a program where parent control and intrusion is accepted.Lesser districts allow this because the competition is not as keen.Usually parents are happy to watch the coach do the job of coaching,compete and win or lose knowing that the teams performance was based on sound decision making.The parent would not dare to intrude beyond the white lines knowing they would be looked at in a suspect light,but like I said thats in competitive programs.
But let me qualify things, a little late. I am not a person who would take to someone else injecting into my business so I don't do it myself. I certainly have my opinion but its just that, my opinion. I have lived many, many years in other countries and have learned that not everyone lives their lives like I do, or like we do as Americans, and so just because I think it should be done differently does not mean that my opinion of it is the gold standard. Unless, of course, it is child abuse or illegal etc. I lived in Kuwait for a number of years and watched a lot of things that were 180 out from what I was raised to believe but after being there for a number of years I came to realize that this simply was their way of doing things and that they were as comfortable with it being that way as I was at being uncomfortable. Now I simply shake my head and keep out of it...
I agree with FenwaySouth though, in saying that if it is that bad then the coach of the team should say something as he probably has a little more credibility. Something like, "You know, it has been my experience in placing kids into college programs that....." But I say that because the coach has some skin in the game that another parent does not have...
I agree with FenwaySouth though, in saying that if it is that bad then the coach of the team should say something as he probably has a little more credibility. Something like, "You know, it has been my experience in placing kids into college programs that....." But I say that because the coach has some skin in the game that another parent does not have...
At our place Coach would tune out the parent and focus on player.
Sonny would need to find a nice comfy spot in dugout. He'd also discover that practice's are not a lot of fun in his new role as the whipping boy.
Other parents would be running from these parents like they had the plague in the fear that their son would be viewed in the same light and get similar treatment.
Sonny would need to find a nice comfy spot in dugout. He'd also discover that practice's are not a lot of fun in his new role as the whipping boy.
Other parents would be running from these parents like they had the plague in the fear that their son would be viewed in the same light and get similar treatment.
quote:Originally posted by fenwaysouth:
As a former travel coach & manager, the first thing I did at tryouts was to sit down with potential new parents as my coaches worked player skill drills. If there was any hint of overbearing parents we would not take the kid....sorry but the team is more important. It is unfair to the player because they can't pick their parents but you have to think about team chemistry. We had a 7 year run, so I like to think we did a pretty good job of managing around this situation.
We used to refer to those kids as PI...
Parentally Impaired...
Two pieces of advice:
1. Don't speak to this unless your opinion is requested. Your comments will not be welcome and will not actually change the behavior of the person to whom they are directed, so they are not only not going to succeed, they will be counterproductive. You won't help the parent, the child, or the team. You will only make an enemy.
2. Don't speak to this even if your opinion is requested. When people ask your opinion on such things, they do not genuinely want your opinion. They are only looking for affirmation of things they've already decided. You are not required to agree with them, but once you disagree, see above.
I will admit that I have violated rule # 2 many times, in fact I did so not long ago and immediately asked myself, "Don't you ever learn?"
This is a tough enough situation for a team coach. In travel ball you handle it by picking and choosing who's on your team until you have the right team chemistry; all the sour grapes types end up on one team where everyone is miserable but at least it's then not your problem. As a high school coach, pretty much you learn to lay down the law at the start of the year and then remind everyone of the rules as people cross lines. And above all, you have to have a very thick skin and you have to take care not to visit the sins of the parents upon their poor hapless child.
But that's coaches. Among fellow parents, the best advice is to run for cover whenever this topic comes up, and not ever to open up the topic yourself.
1. Don't speak to this unless your opinion is requested. Your comments will not be welcome and will not actually change the behavior of the person to whom they are directed, so they are not only not going to succeed, they will be counterproductive. You won't help the parent, the child, or the team. You will only make an enemy.
2. Don't speak to this even if your opinion is requested. When people ask your opinion on such things, they do not genuinely want your opinion. They are only looking for affirmation of things they've already decided. You are not required to agree with them, but once you disagree, see above.
I will admit that I have violated rule # 2 many times, in fact I did so not long ago and immediately asked myself, "Don't you ever learn?"
This is a tough enough situation for a team coach. In travel ball you handle it by picking and choosing who's on your team until you have the right team chemistry; all the sour grapes types end up on one team where everyone is miserable but at least it's then not your problem. As a high school coach, pretty much you learn to lay down the law at the start of the year and then remind everyone of the rules as people cross lines. And above all, you have to have a very thick skin and you have to take care not to visit the sins of the parents upon their poor hapless child.
But that's coaches. Among fellow parents, the best advice is to run for cover whenever this topic comes up, and not ever to open up the topic yourself.
quote:Originally posted by Midlo Dad:
Two pieces of advice:
1. Don't speak to this unless your opinion is requested. Your comments will not be welcome and will not actually change the behavior of the person to whom they are directed, so they are not only not going to succeed, they will be counterproductive. You won't help the parent, the child, or the team. You will only make an enemy.
2. Don't speak to this even if your opinion is requested. When people ask your opinion on such things, they do not genuinely want your opinion. They are only looking for affirmation of things they've already decided. You are not required to agree with them, but once you disagree, see above.
I will admit that I have violated rule # 2 many times, in fact I did so not long ago and immediately asked myself, "Don't you ever learn?"
This is a tough enough situation for a team coach. In travel ball you handle it by picking and choosing who's on your team until you have the right team chemistry; all the sour grapes types end up on one team where everyone is miserable but at least it's then not your problem. As a high school coach, pretty much you learn to lay down the law at the start of the year and then remind everyone of the rules as people cross lines. And above all, you have to have a very thick skin and you have to take care not to visit the sins of the parents upon their poor hapless child.
But that's coaches. Among fellow parents, the best advice is to run for cover whenever this topic comes up, and not ever to open up the topic yourself.
yeah what he said..... ha
Couldn't agree more with Midlo. There's no way to win in taking on a parent who thinks their kid is the next answer to every coach's recruiting needs. Best thing to do is buy a hot dog, set up your chair far away from the parents section and enjoy watching the kids play. If your are far enough away you can even enjoy a nice cigar without offending anyone. 
Thanks to all the responses. You basically affirmed what I already felt would be a ticking bomb to mess with. However, to clarify although there is seemingly no way to help the situation, it is a really bad situation with a lot of casualties already and in all a result of the parent's behaviors. And sadly is only going to get worse and not better unfortunately for the player. Thanks.
I think it is human nature to want to help or make things better. If it really that bad sometimes doing the right things comes with a price or consequences. There is a fine line to walk...just like the Firefighter who watched a guy drown the other day because it wasnt in their jurisdiction and they may get fired or sued....sometimes things come up in life where you have to act because its the right thing to do.
If you feel it is one of those situations and you can "save a life" proceed with caution. There are ways to talk to people and not be confrontational that will help you feel things out. This isnt an all or nothing situation.
The biggest casualty in this situation will be the kid...most coaches do not take what parents do out on kids...they are professionals and try very hard to let the kid stand on his own. Believe it or not most high school coaches are concerned more about developing young men to be good people than they are about winning baseball games. If they werent they wouldnt put up with the stuff they do!
Sure its a ticking bomb and most will run for cover and hide but sometimes heros emerge and difuse the bomb...dont have to jump on the bomb but it can be carefully difused- those are the guys they erect statues of in the town square and the kind of people we need these days
If you feel it is one of those situations and you can "save a life" proceed with caution. There are ways to talk to people and not be confrontational that will help you feel things out. This isnt an all or nothing situation.
The biggest casualty in this situation will be the kid...most coaches do not take what parents do out on kids...they are professionals and try very hard to let the kid stand on his own. Believe it or not most high school coaches are concerned more about developing young men to be good people than they are about winning baseball games. If they werent they wouldnt put up with the stuff they do!
Sure its a ticking bomb and most will run for cover and hide but sometimes heros emerge and difuse the bomb...dont have to jump on the bomb but it can be carefully difused- those are the guys they erect statues of in the town square and the kind of people we need these days
quote:
Little League Parent Syndrome: Baseball Parents
Little league parent syndrome: Yes, we actually have a name for parents that attend youth baseball games and act unruly.
(LLPS) Sports psychologists have coined the condition for parents that do too much yelling and screaming, become verbally abusive to their children and other participants, and occasionally become violent in several articles on baseball.
Although this parent syndrome is usually isolated to a minority of parents but that number seems to grow yearly. Just a few little league parents can really make the youth baseball experience quite miserable for all.
Parents often have high expectations for their children’s performance expecting perfection in their baseball skills and play. Baseball coaches and umpires are under the same perfection status. Winning is at the top of the list for this (LLPS) parent although playing time for their child is vitally important to them.
Parents and Kids Sports: Baseball Parents
For little league players and youth league players, having fun, being with friends, and learning a little baseball while enjoying a chance to play are the top reasons they play.
Winning the ball games is way down on the list. Actually winning was tenth on the list of importance to youth league kids in organized sport according to a survey of 10,000 students published by American Footwear Association.
Unfortunately, our little league parent did not agree or did not get the memo with these survey findings. Most of the baseball parents feel that winning-at-all-costs is at the top and their siblings’ playing time is crucial too.
Trying to win is certainly part of competition and is expected by the competitors. But, in the big scheme of the youth sports experience it really doesn’t matter who wins or loses. Win or lose, you move on and look forward to playing again the next day.
Youth Sports and Parents: Unreasonable Expectations
Baseball league parents and youth sports are often supportive with their role in doing good things for their children. Quite often though they add too much pressure on their children’s performances, are overly critical, and at times act in ways that brings embarrassment to the kids.
Why do they act this way? There are many reasons. Baseball parents could be just mean to their offspring. They may be looking for a very remote possibility of a future college scholarship or even more remotely a pro contract.
They may be re-living their own childhood little league experience. They may think with all the uniforms and ball fields and coaches that this is mini professional baseball team and we have to get to the world series or make the all-star team.
They often judge the child’s performance as an indication of how good of a parent they are. If Johnny hits a home run then “I must be a good parent.” If Johnny strikes out, “Then I am embarrassed and I’m going to lay into him for embarrassing me.”
Youth Baseball Leagues: How to Help the Little League Parent
Here are a few baseball coaching tips to share with your youth league parents and league administrators to help put some perspective on parents and baseball in youth sports.
• Make sure your organization has a baseball sports code of ethics for the parents to sign. Often the parents that need this most do not get this training.
• Baseball leagues, travel baseball, and youth league coaches: Do what you can to de-escalate the intensity at baseball games.
• Leagues should closely supervise the parents behavior at the ball games and stop overly abusive and critical situations.
Educate your youth baseball coaches to the priorities of the needs of the players. Winning is fine to shoot for but not at the expense of the ballplayers well being. Winning the little league game does really matter. Playing your best, trying to improve, playing fairly and being a good teammate are more important than the outcome.
• Suggest to your team’s sports parents to visit with parents on the opposing team. Realize they are not the enemy.
• Do not coach from the bleachers. No instructions from the fans. You confuse the players and clutter their minds. Players need to be left alone to play the game.
• Stay away from the post game autopsy. Players know when they make a mistake so why do you have to bury a kid and pile on them super analyzing every little boo-boo.
Lighten Up parents because you parents can kill Youth baseball League fun.
Interesting read...maybe the sports psychologists can hold therapy sessions for meddling parents if anyone can figure out how to get them to attend.
Kids do have a way of rising above their parents at some point. There is hope, even for the ones whose parents insist on being the center of attention rather than the kids.
Kids do have a way of rising above their parents at some point. There is hope, even for the ones whose parents insist on being the center of attention rather than the kids.
quote:Kids do have a way of rising above their parents at some point. There is hope, even for the ones whose parents insist on being the center of attention rather than the kids.
Well put birddog