Parent Stress During the Baseball Season

Overthehill posted:

I'm 50 years old, I was a D1 college player, I've coached and won 2 state high school titles, and I'm miserable every time I watch my kids play.  One is a college jr. and the other is a high school senior.  I should have no worries and I have two great kids that have had lots of success in the classroom and on the baseball and football fields.  But, I am completely miserable every time I watch them play.  I sit as far away from others as I can and try to stay as calm as I can.  It doesn't work.  I never say a word during games and try my best to enjoy watching my kids play.  But I know my daily demeanor depends on how each of their teams do from day to day and week to week.  Any suggestions?  Anyone else feel this way or am I just a complete nutcase that loves this game and my kids too much?  

Clearly nutcase.......Just like a lot of us.

I actually enjoy my son's games.  I am nervous, I do feel the joy of his success, and feel the pain of his failures. Certainly more than my son does.  My biggest issue at games is my Mom and Sister.  They come to every game that they can (rarely miss).  It's a big part of their life.  But I can't stand them around me when I am watching my son play.  And they mean well.  I'm often rude to them in some minor way.  They are used to it.  They are used to showing up an inning late, coming to sit next to me, then I un-anchor my seat, and move away from them without saying anything.  Been going on for years.

I recognize the "demeanor" thing for sure.

Overthehill posted:

I'm 50 years old, I was a D1 college player, I've coached and won 2 state high school titles, and I'm miserable every time I watch my kids play.  One is a college jr. and the other is a high school senior.  I should have no worries and I have two great kids that have had lots of success in the classroom and on the baseball and football fields.  But, I am completely miserable every time I watch them play.  I sit as far away from others as I can and try to stay as calm as I can.  It doesn't work.  I never say a word during games and try my best to enjoy watching my kids play.  But I know my daily demeanor depends on how each of their teams do from day to day and week to week.  Any suggestions?  Anyone else feel this way or am I just a complete nutcase that loves this game and my kids too much?  

Prozac or Zoloft

...just like a lot of the rest of us Overthehill.   I know of no remedy for this situation.  I can nearly always pick out the pitcher's parents if they happen to be near me.  I just look for the nervous train wreck that is behaving the same way as me.

OvertheHill:  adjust your expectations.  Typically if our expectations are too high or unreasonable for the situation we're going to resent the outcome.  Alter your expectations and you'll start enjoying the games.  

OVERTHEHILL,

Join the club... It is a very large club!

What is particularly interesting is that the "hopeless" comments so far are coming from the most seasoned vets here with the most common sense and level heads.  Just goes to show the effects of true emotional connection to our kids.  I'm certainly often guilty as well.  

Personally, I have learned a few tricks that have helped me along the way.  Some of this is being discussed in another current thread.  If I get really engaged in the team and the other players, getting to know their folks and their other interests, this actually helps me minimize that extra nervousness with my kid (s).   Sure, I still have that moment when he is at bat but once that has passed, I'm back on to whatever else the team was doing, next batter, or whatever else we were talking about.  

Having gone through the process now with three kids, I have certainly learned how little effect my concerns, wishes and fears for my kids will have on actual outcomes.  Just enjoy the good days and encourage through the bad.  Usually, there's something good that comes out of any event.

College senior son has been calling me pretty regularly after games this year - there is quite a bit more geographic distance than in the past.  Our conversations have always certainly included the way the games played out.  But more and more of the conversations are not directly involving his performance on the field.  More and more are about strategic coaching decisions and how we may do things differently (he has coaching aspirations).  Yesterday, he shared that he felt himself becoming more of a senior leader vocally but with a more even keel approach than he had in the past.  I think we are both finding more rewarding discussion with those "life lesson" topics tied to the game and how he is noticing himself maturing in that regard.  Just some distraction from "game results" and some more meaningful dialog.  And small talk.  It's becoming my new favorite sport.

I watched his games via live stats yesterday.  My trick there is to actually walk away and get involved in something else when he is at bat.  It won't change the results and I don't have to stare at a motionless screen waiting for the next dot.  When I remember to go back five minutes later to see what happened, there's less anxiety.  But I'll still yell at the computer when his team does something particularly good or bad and I will stare at the dots in key situations 

Go44, I totally get the family thing.  Over the years, as I was "in training", my wife would try too hard to "make me fell better".  Best intentions by the sweetest person on the planet... DID NOT HELP.

Now, I"m not sure if I would have progressed to this point if I was a PITCHER'S DAD 

Once again Vodka comes to mind. 

I am a fellow nut case. 

OverTheHill I believe we all in the forum have gone, are going, or will go, through your experiences. And there is no easy solution to feelings. I personally, try to apply the 90/10 principle as things happen and "try" to control how I can react to the situation and feelings.

I have attached the 1 1/2 page 90/10 principle for those who want to review it and maybe apply it. Seeing our kids play is very stressful.  :-)

Golfman25 posted:

Once again Vodka comes to mind. 

I am a fellow nut case. 

this is my plan B, and normally plan B wins out.  My expectation comment helps manage the household....  Stogie in the outfield is plan C

Get a good girlfriend... I know she's reduced my stress-level quite a bit... 

You are definitely not alone! I think the question is, are you like a person who gets really nervous when they fly, despite knowing it's 100x safer than driving, or are you a person who will change their plans to avoid getting on a plane or let their anxiety otherwise impact their life?  If it's the latter, then maybe talk to somebody. If it's  the former, lots of good ideas above.  To them I'll add - do something to occupy at least some of your mental energy, like keeping book or trying to pick the opposing team's signs.

I am so glad I am not the only nut. I find myself trying to swing the bat for him feel muscles tighten and talk to myself alot, wife says she has grounds to commit me and I can't argue! 

Overthehill posted:

I'm 50 years old, I was a D1 college player, I've coached and won 2 state high school titles, and I'm miserable every time I watch my kids play.  One is a college jr. and the other is a high school senior.  I should have no worries and I have two great kids that have had lots of success in the classroom and on the baseball and football fields.  But, I am completely miserable every time I watch them play.  I sit as far away from others as I can and try to stay as calm as I can.  It doesn't work.  I never say a word during games and try my best to enjoy watching my kids play.  But I know my daily demeanor depends on how each of their teams do from day to day and week to week.  Any suggestions?  Anyone else feel this way or am I just a complete nutcase that loves this game and my kids too much?  

Just to clarify, are you talking about when your kid is pitching, or just playing in general? 

Also, when you say "your daily demeanor depends on how each of their teams do from day to day and week to week"....are you saying that if your sons team lost on Sunday you would be in a crud mood for a few days because their team lost?

Bolts-Coach-PR posted:

Get a good girlfriend... I know she's reduced my stress-level quite a bit... 

I think mine would go up. Another relationship to juggle and pray my wife does not find out. :0.

But seriously.

I had two boys play baseball. One played though College the other gave up serious baseball after Freshman year of HS. I was always a wreck when college son pitched, and while I appreciated the comments from the other parents and friends. I just wanted to be left alone in my misery, When he struggled, and alone in my elation when he did well.

I can tell you that as much as I enjoyed my son playing in college my favorite Summer was with my youngest, before he went off to college. He played in a wreck league with a modified travel schedule. He had played with most of these kids all through middle school and HS summers. Only one of them was going all to play in college. Some had the opportunity, but never found the right fit. I knew all the parents well and was friendly with a majority of them. It was a great summer, one last hurrah, with a bunch of good kids and families that really enjoyed each others company.

I had good relationships with my College ball players team, but so many of them were so focused on College Baseball that the faces would come and go. He was the best player on far too many bad teams, so that made it a struggle as well. We never planned for it to be that way but that happened far too often. So except for a few families, that I remain close to. most of the  families came and went.

That last summer was so easy to enjoy, because even though the goal was to win, there was no pressure if they did not. My youngest blossomed that summer as a young man and came into his own as a leader. It was fun to watch.

The baseball created stress didn't end for my wife and me until he retired. Now, we find new things to stress about (GF, job, golf scores, whatever) - even if he's not.

A parent is only as happy as his most unhappy child.

Parent stress during baseball season ... like peanut butter and jelly.

Ha, thanks for the messages.  The bad thing is, I should know better!  I don't remember much stress during my college playing days.  I just was pissed after and a very poor loser.  Not to the point of cussing and throwing things, but staying to myself.  I have gone to the doctor and the nutcase meds may as well be skittles.  I'm not sure if it is nervousness or just wanting them to do well.  In this game, that is impossible.  The bad thing about the whole thing is that I should consider myself very lucky to have such great kids.  They've had more success and are currently having more success than most dads will ever get to be a part of.  Between the two they were both all state football players and between them have been all state in baseball 3 times.  One is a college player and the other has signed for next year.  I was just wondering if any others felt the way I did and obviously I guess it's part of the deal.  Thanks to all!

Sat with a parent of a player this weekend at my son's last HS varsity intrasquad scrimmage. As he showed up he was intently listening to the headphones attached to his phone. Sits next to me and I see he is writing down every pitch his son threw on an envelope, with the velocity of the fastballs. His son is vying for an MLB starting rotation job this year, and he was listening online. It has to be the most awesome, yet nerve wracking experience as a parent. I would trade places with him in a heartbeat, but I doubt he would want to! We can only hope for that kind of stress.

PS...and within of getting off the mound he texts his dad...every time.

Fourbases, thanks for the 90/10.  Good advice.  Thank goodness both of my sons have learned to deal with the downfalls of this game better than dad.  

Overthehill posted:

I'm 50 years old, I was a D1 college player, I've coached and won 2 state high school titles, and I'm miserable every time I watch my kids play.  One is a college jr. and the other is a high school senior.  I should have no worries and I have two great kids that have had lots of success in the classroom and on the baseball and football fields.  But, I am completely miserable every time I watch them play.  I sit as far away from others as I can and try to stay as calm as I can.  It doesn't work.  I never say a word during games and try my best to enjoy watching my kids play.  But I know my daily demeanor depends on how each of their teams do from day to day and week to week.  Any suggestions?  Anyone else feel this way or am I just a complete nutcase that loves this game and my kids too much?  

Me too. I am a nervous wreck watching my kid pitch.

I am amazed how calm he looks on the mound.

Overthehill, when my kid is pitching I try to find things to do. I'll video him on my phone, keep track of pitches thrown/balls/strikes on a note paper. Sort of like a junkie fumbling with a cigarette, I imagine.

When he's not pitching, no worries.

I feel your pain Overthehill. You are not the only one, but insight into our behavior is important. You cannot change what you don't acknowledge, so it's great that you recognize this thought pattern and are trying to find ways to deal with it. I have a lot of anxiety when my son pitches. I am not normally an anxious person. As stated above,  adjusting my expectations has helped me. I've also worked to understand that his performance, good or bad, is not a reflection on me. Sometimes, we get so tied up in our kids (it's the way of our culture) that we tend to take on our kid's successes and failures as our own. Letting go of that, or at least recognizing that some of my anxiety comes from that place, has helped me.  

CmassRHPDad posted:

Overthehill posted:

I'm 50 years old, I was a D1 college player, I've coached and won 2 state high school titles, and I'm miserable every time I watch my kids play.  One is a college jr. and the other is a high school senior.  I should have no worries and I have two great kids that have had lots of success in the classroom and on the baseball and football fields.  But, I am completely miserable every time I watch them play.  I sit as far away from others as I can and try to stay as calm as I can.  It doesn't work.  I never say a word during games and try my best to enjoy watching my kids play.  But I know my daily demeanor depends on how each of their teams do from day to day and week to week.  Any suggestions?  Anyone else feel this way or am I just a complete nutcase that loves this game and my kids too much?  

Me too. I am a nervous wreck watching my kid pitch.

I am amazed how calm he looks on the mound.

I never got nervous watching my kids play. I played D1 ball. I knew how good my kids were. I figured they would succeed far more than they would fail. But I understood failure is part of the game too. 

Success can turn to failure quickly. Back when my son was a high school soph no one remembered down three runs with two outs, needing a win to advance in districts, he drove in two runs with a hard single. What everyone was talking about the next week was the dumbass soph got himself picked off first even though everyone in the park knew he had to steal second. A father of a senior screamed at my son as he walked off the field with his head down. 

I found a Cope buddy and then started bringing my own. It's funny, I don't dip out of season though. This past weekend my Dad was able to watch him throw via the inter web and I found myself getting heartburn. I need some therapy!

Shoveit, my wife knows we are stopping at the store on the way out of town to buy a few cans of snuff every weekend.  That's a given.  Today my oldest is playing at 2:00 about an hour from home.  We took off after lunch to go see him play.  After his game, we have to hurry back to see my high school senior pitch at 7:00 at home.  Gonna be a Skoal buddy type of day!

Wow, reading these is like looking in the mirror. Though I'm sure y'all are more pretty than me. I'm an absolute wreck before and during every game, but only when he is on the bump. He, on the other hand, blissfully cruises through it all. He gets so focused that nothing gets through his "clearance mechanism". 2019 starts our first game of the season on Thursday.

The only strategy that has worked for me is to take pictures. I have a quality set up that keeps me occupied and shooting pro-level pictures of our boys. Its expensive, but my sanity is priceless. Besides, I'll just sell the gear when we are done with this ride...

cabbagedad posted:

I watched his games via live stats yesterday.  My trick there is to actually walk away and get involved in something else when he is at bat.  It won't change the results and I don't have to stare at a motionless screen waiting for the next dot.  When I remember to go back five minutes later to see what happened, there's less anxiety.  But I'll still yell at the computer when his team does something particularly good or bad and I will stare at the dots in key situations 

 

When my son played at D2 baseball,  I found that "watching" via live stats maddening at times.  The "waiting" for updates could drive me nuts.  It was better than nothing though or waiting for him to send a text with results.    Like you I would still yell at the computer.

For about half the games they did have a webcast of the game including live video/sound with a commentator.  It was only one view and the video wasn't great but it beat live stats.

Best story was I had gone down the street to get my granddaughter off the bus.  While waiting for her, I could hear my wife screaming.  Next I get a text from her stating our son had just hit a home run.  So every time he came to bat after that I was expected to leave the room. 

Same thing happened at one of the games we attended.  About the 5th inning  figured it would be safe to get some hot dogs from the concessions as he was 5-6 batters from appearing.  Took a long time, but as I come back I saw his teammate who was in the lineup after our son hit a HR.  Thought to myself, "Dang, I missed his at-bat."  One of the opposing team parents said my son had hit a HR to which I replied, "That wasn't my son."  She replies, "No, the batter before him (my son) did too."  My wife confirmed this.  Fortunately, she videos all his games we attend so I was able to see it later.  So every time he came to bat I was expected to go to the concession stand.  LOL!

When he played HS ball I simply could not sit for long while he played.  I often found myself pacing or just standing.  I'd watched for a while behind the backstop, then down the 3rd base line or the 1B line.  And my son was just a position player (C/3B/1B)!

Golfman25 posted:

Once again Vodka comes to mind. 

I am a fellow nut case. 

Over time, I was able to adjust based on a single principle: the game gives and the game takes. With that approach, I was able to act a bit more rationally and not react to every pitch, but to watch for trends over X number of games, and based on those observations offer up assistance. NOT give assistance, but offer it up as a yea/nay.

To be more specific, I got to the point where I never specifically cited an issue that I observed, but approached him in a Socratic fashion. Crap, the Socratic method showed that half the time I was wrong in my observation!

Bottom-line: I switched from an emotional POV to an analytical POV, and I started to relax much more.

My kid is a PO, so when he is on the mound I'm a wreck. But, when he's not, I absolutely love watching the game and all the families. My angle is to be as supportive and uplifting as I can to the other parents, and in turn I get tons of support when mine is on the bump. Give and you shall receive.

Tampa2020 posted:

My kid is a PO, so when he is on the mound I'm a wreck. But, when he's not, I absolutely love watching the game and all the families. My angle is to be as supportive and uplifting as I can to the other parents, and in turn I get tons of support when mine is on the bump. Give and you shall receive.

OTOH: No good deed goes unpunished.

I'm the guy down the right field line standing by himself....or maybe with one of the other dads.  Once in a while my daughter will stand with me, but not normally the entire game.  Part of it is I don't want to be behind the plate where my son can see me when he pitches. He doesn't want to see anyone he knows back there.   Ever since the day his mom showed up in the 5th inning and he had a perfect game going and sat directly behind the plate, this has kind of been an unwritten rule in the family...lol.  He walked the next kid, then plunked the next guy in the helmet.  As he walked off the field after the inning, he jokingly said "mom, you can leave now"    .  As for nervous....not so much any more.  I've finally decided there's not much I can do anymore....not that there really ever was....I just try to enjoy it as much as I can and not try to annoy every one else standing around me too much.

I had to walk away when he pitched... far away.  First game last year I was in the parking lot on a hillside 450 feet from home plate. He did so well last year I got progressively closer to the action every week. By the end I was barely nervous - then he went and lost his last start of the year!  His only loss on the season!  I will probably be 450 feet away again on opening day!!

I have been reading these stories and wanted to give some advice. Whether anyone wants to listen,  is entirely up to the individual.

I spent a lot of time being a wreck as a pitcher's parent. It sort of goes with the territory. There shouldnt be any stress when your sons are young,  because as he gets older, the stakes get higher, so does the stress. Part of the reason for being stressful, was seeing the frustration that dad had when son didnt do as well as he thought he should. Looking back in the rear view mirror, very sorry that I let those pitching moments slip by, because when its over, its over.

It doesnt last forever, enjoy and embrace the moments.

TPM,

I think everyone should listen to that.  There's always pressure, mainly because you want something and have no control over what is going to happen.

Pressure gets different at every level.  The higher the level the more the pressure increases.  At some point it ends for everyone.  Then everyone realizes that they could have enjoyed the journey a lot more.

I will say this... To those that are stressed out when your son is very young.  If he ends up being a very good player you're in for some very tough times.  So might as well relax for now, have fun, and enjoy things, at least as long as you can.  Cause the farther he gets, the more important things actually get and the more stressful everything becomes.

The last two posts are spot on. You never stop being a parent. When it's over you will ask yourself many questions. There will be memories. Did you enjoy it? Did you appreciate the moment? Are you simply relieved it's over? You want your son to do good. You want it for him. You know how important it is to him and you don't want to see him disappointed. Every parent wants their kids to be happy and have a good experience. What can seem as a horrible experience can one day be the experience that allows them to have a great one. Doesn't it all come down to us keeping things in perspective? While we worry if our son is going to have a good outing, get a hit, make a play, get to play, etc. There are parents wondering if that test is going to come back negative or positive. There are parents wondering if their son in Afghanistan is going to come home. There are parents hoping that the experimental drug will work. And that list goes on and on.

This thing called life shifts from day to day. One moment your worrying if your kid will make the LL All Star team. Will he make Varsity as a Soph. Will he get recruited by this school. Will he start in college. Will he get drafted. Will he make the 40 man roster. Will he get that job. Will this marriage work. Will the grand child be born healthy. Will .................................................................................................................

And all while something is happening. Life is passing us by. We are so focused on what might be, what could be, what will be, that we miss what is. I say lose yourself in the moment you are in. Live your life right now. Live the only time you are promised and that is this very second. Focus on what you have right now because that is all you really have. Focus on what is good and you won't have "as much" time to focus on what you don't have or wish you had. Because really we all already have everything we could possibly wish for. A healthy child. A great child. An opportunity to watch them chase their dreams. Oh isn't it great to have dreams. Enjoy the moment and be thankful and remember no matter what happens you have a gift from God. A child to enjoy and build special memories with.

Thanks for all the replies!  I'm hoping to watch games this weekend with a different attitude.  Life is going by fast.  Starting today, my two will have 9 games in 4 days.  I will have plenty of chances to practice and I will post a report (hopefully from the relaxed dad view) on Monday. 

I am a certified member of the stress club.  Particularly when my boys are pitching, but also when they're simply playing a position.  The best remedy for me has been to be the GameChanger guy for their teams.  It keeps me focused on the entire game and how the team is doing, and definitely reduces my stress.  Though my wife tells me I still twitch when they're at the plate during a pitch of an important at bat.  Guess there's only so much stress I can remove via distraction.  I do, however, enjoy watching their games and will certainly miss it.  Have a HS senior and a HS freshman, so have some more baseball in my future, which is a good thing.

My gamechanger guy moved down the RF line and put earbuds in.  Guess he got tired of my "what's the score, how many outs, what inning is it, how much time is left?" queries every two minutes.

My son has been a good LH hitter/fielder, but more success as a pitcher.  As a pitcher (in travel ball), he would get the other tough team, big game, etc.  I'm relatively relaxed when he pitches.  But when he hits, my toes curl up on every pitch.  I moan silently when he falls behind in the count.  And I curse left hand pitchers under my breath just for being left handed.