Have you ever thought of cutting back from the privilege of travel baseball, lessons and upcoming showcases? Any thoughts?
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I wouldn't cut off baseball. I would cut off the finances involved with travel. It's a priviledge to play travel, not a right. But first I'd take 24 hours to calm down. Is there a chance you're playing a part by analyzing his game on the ride home?
Witholding baseball as a form of punishment should be the last (if at all) attempt at correcting behavior. Baseball is a privilege but it also can open many, many doors for a future and if you take baseball away you might be closing those doors.
Find other ways to set him straight. Take other things away - cell phone, TV, internet / computer, video games - as punishment. Those are things every kid enjoys but truly doesn't need for a good life (they may think it is but they're wrong) so to lose them might wake him up.
RJM has a great idea of making him do work around the house or neighborhood to earn money to pay for his expenses towards baseball. You will then see if the truly wants it or not. Now he has that carrot in front of him to act right or lose baseball because it's his own hand rather than yours.
Find other ways to set him straight. Take other things away - cell phone, TV, internet / computer, video games - as punishment. Those are things every kid enjoys but truly doesn't need for a good life (they may think it is but they're wrong) so to lose them might wake him up.
RJM has a great idea of making him do work around the house or neighborhood to earn money to pay for his expenses towards baseball. You will then see if the truly wants it or not. Now he has that carrot in front of him to act right or lose baseball because it's his own hand rather than yours.
quote:
Originally posted by sitbackandenjoy:
Just some background - 15 year son has taken on quite an attitude lately - mostly mouthing off. But I feel this is unacceptable and I refuse to cart his fanny around if he can't control his mouth.
Any thoughts?
My thought for what it's worth.
I would find out what exactly is causing this sudden "mouthing off" of which you speak. Until you find out the cause of that I don't see how you can begin to correct it or even punish. Maybe something is bothering him and he needs to vent about it without feeling any repurcussions from Dad. Afterall, it IS that age. Oh how do I remember it.
YGD
No - no arguments on the way home - or about baseball -just what everyone terms " thats what teenagers do " - I don't accept going thru puberty as an excuse to be disrespectful.
We have taken a way the phone - and his xbox (even though he doesn't spend much time on it).
Good advice to cool off,
thanks
We have taken a way the phone - and his xbox (even though he doesn't spend much time on it).
Good advice to cool off,
thanks
Makes you wonder why anyone bother to name a period of time "Terrible Twos." That was easy compared to fifteen.quote:Afterall, it IS that age. Oh how do I remember it.
I haven't had to do it in a couple of years, but I used to take away everything with an on/off switch.
I have a strong belief that my 15 year old son would be less pleasant to live with if he didn't get the exercise and comraderie of playing, so I would have to be desperate to cut off baseball. Purely selfish on my part!
I have a strong belief that my 15 year old son would be less pleasant to live with if he didn't get the exercise and comraderie of playing, so I would have to be desperate to cut off baseball. Purely selfish on my part!
If I talked back to my dad or my son did to me there would be no punishment other than broken kneecaps--can you play with that?--in my family you do not talk back or give lip to any adult--it just doesn't happen
Touch your kid now you can end up with social services knocking on your door. You can be reported for yelling at your kids in public.quote:Originally posted by TRhit:
If I talked back to my dad or my son did to me there would be no punishment other than broken kneecaps--can you play with that?--in my family you do not talk back or give lip to any adult--it just doesn't happen
Perhaps we need to go to back to old ways---might be less problems
It's great that you are ready to act. So many parents can't or won't. I agree with most. We've all been there and then raised many of ours through this growing and "testing boundaries stage."
The punishment should fit the act and taking away their favorite passion at this point will probably just create resentment. I always made sure I had been setting the right example with both my attitude, language and consideration. You can't demand what hasn't been earned.
Follwing that, a good discussion reminding them why respect and consideration are non-negotiable behaviors in your house or there will be consequences that he will not enjoy. After all, that's our job! As someone said above, there may be something else going on?
Good luck.
The punishment should fit the act and taking away their favorite passion at this point will probably just create resentment. I always made sure I had been setting the right example with both my attitude, language and consideration. You can't demand what hasn't been earned.
Follwing that, a good discussion reminding them why respect and consideration are non-negotiable behaviors in your house or there will be consequences that he will not enjoy. After all, that's our job! As someone said above, there may be something else going on?
Good luck.
It certainly depends on the situation.
I agree that baseball opens doors but there are somethings that are more important than baseball. If your son is unwilling to act in a civil manner you can kindly inform him that you won't support such behavior. Maybe you can inform him that if he wants to play summer ball or play on a select team he might want to think about ways to raise money to pay for such things. Let him know that you are much less inclined to spend a lot of money on someone who has no respect for you or your rules.
To me baseball is a privelage like driving, dating, and hanging out with friends. If my son wants to use my car, live in my house and have me pay for his hobbies then he needs to show some basic respect. Trying to figure out how to pay for that 300 dollar bat or that 1500 dollar fee for that team might be the eye opener that your son needs.
I have told my son several times that his continues ballplaying is tied to his grades. Poor grades (under a B average) means no baseball or any other afterschool activity. If he is having problems with a class then he needs to come to me before grades come out, not after he pulls a D in something. I don't care how many doors baseball might open for my son, poor grades will close a lot more.
But I do agree that you have to make sure that your decision is made after you cool off. It is easy to come up with ideas when you are angry and often what you come up with as a punishment is probably more painful for the kid than it should be. But let him know what your standards are and also let him know flat out what will happen if he fails to meet them. And when you do, be firm.
I agree that baseball opens doors but there are somethings that are more important than baseball. If your son is unwilling to act in a civil manner you can kindly inform him that you won't support such behavior. Maybe you can inform him that if he wants to play summer ball or play on a select team he might want to think about ways to raise money to pay for such things. Let him know that you are much less inclined to spend a lot of money on someone who has no respect for you or your rules.
To me baseball is a privelage like driving, dating, and hanging out with friends. If my son wants to use my car, live in my house and have me pay for his hobbies then he needs to show some basic respect. Trying to figure out how to pay for that 300 dollar bat or that 1500 dollar fee for that team might be the eye opener that your son needs.
I have told my son several times that his continues ballplaying is tied to his grades. Poor grades (under a B average) means no baseball or any other afterschool activity. If he is having problems with a class then he needs to come to me before grades come out, not after he pulls a D in something. I don't care how many doors baseball might open for my son, poor grades will close a lot more.
But I do agree that you have to make sure that your decision is made after you cool off. It is easy to come up with ideas when you are angry and often what you come up with as a punishment is probably more painful for the kid than it should be. But let him know what your standards are and also let him know flat out what will happen if he fails to meet them. And when you do, be firm.
Depends on how talented he is. You may find yourself having to pay more for college tuition or you may be affecting his future employment ...
Do whatever it takes to get the message across.
If baseball is the last thing they want taken away from them and the message will get thru, then definitely take baseball away from them.
This might be straying from the topic a little but I believe baseball (or any sport) should be used as a last resort for punishment. What i've seen in the past is that parents get upset at their kid for whatever and have to punish them. Next thing I know is I get a phone call telling me that Johnny is no longer on the team because he has to be taught a lesson. Well there's nothing I can do so we move on. But within a week or two I see the kid running around town with his buddies, still rididng 4 wheelers, hearing about what he did at parties and other things that should have been taken away first.
So what was the lesson learned here? Hey you do bad I'm going to remove you from the team that stresses academics, responsibility, hard work, dedication and team work but I'm going to let you still do fun things.
If taking baseball is the only thing that gets him to listen then go for it.
So what was the lesson learned here? Hey you do bad I'm going to remove you from the team that stresses academics, responsibility, hard work, dedication and team work but I'm going to let you still do fun things.
If taking baseball is the only thing that gets him to listen then go for it.
Just the other day, after helping a young HS player with his swing (and for the past five years), and after his Dad came home from work, I happened to hear the young man yelling at his Dad, (and heard many of f bombs from the teenager).
I stayed out of that interexchange, left and travelled home. Later than evening, I received an email from the teenager thanking me for the help.
I found myself looking on the boy's facebook page, and surprisingly learned of his foul and vulgar language even when chatting with his friends.
Maybe it's a trend in the youth today, yet
with support from his Mom, I am thinking about
asking the young man about his relationships with his family and friends.
In my opinion, it's something to nip in the bud
yet to penalize the teenager by taking away something he may have committed to (i.e. Improving his baseball skills), may not be the right message.
I stayed out of that interexchange, left and travelled home. Later than evening, I received an email from the teenager thanking me for the help.
I found myself looking on the boy's facebook page, and surprisingly learned of his foul and vulgar language even when chatting with his friends.
Maybe it's a trend in the youth today, yet
with support from his Mom, I am thinking about
asking the young man about his relationships with his family and friends.
In my opinion, it's something to nip in the bud
yet to penalize the teenager by taking away something he may have committed to (i.e. Improving his baseball skills), may not be the right message.
If anyone remembers I told my son I wasn't going to make the next payment for his showcase team due to his attitude at the time. I had him make payments to me from his work paycheck. It lit a fire under his rear. Aside from playing great he's had a nice attitude adjustment.
I am reading this post with interest because we have both done this....and "un-done" taking away baseball. Let me explain: When keewartson was 10 he stole $15 from his brother's nightstand. Then lied about it. As punishment, we told him that when he got the call the next day to play All-Stars, which he was looking forward to playing, he would have to decline the offer (we knew he would get the call because Dad was asked to coach.) Dad also wanted to take away travelball, but I stepped in and said that you would then be punishing a TEAM as well as a child, and that the team was planning a trip to Cooperstown and he would then be punishing him for the next two years. Our baseball friends couldn't believe we did what we did. A neighbor, whose teenage son got caught stealing, said we were absolutely doing the right thing.
As it turned out, we took away something he really never "had" so life for him was going on as it had before. I then adjusted the punishment to also include taking away "screens" for the duration of All-Stars (TV, gameboy, computer, playstation). He wound up playing outside, browsing through civil war books, and going to watch some of the allstar games. Fast forward 4 years: he lied, again, about the use of his cell phone. Dad, in an outrage (he should have cooled off first), said he couldn't participate in the two showcases he was asked to be in. I stayed out of the punishment since I knew (from reading this site) that 14 was a little young for showcasing anyway. Again, something was taken away that he never really "had". A month or so goes by and realizing that the showcases were mostly local events and his coach was using them for getting his players used to showcases in the future, I explained to my husband that I was fearful: that our son had worked very hard to make the high school team and wound up starting as an 8th grader and I was now afraid that he would slack off on practicing and working out if he didn't have something to work toward now that school was over. So, we "un-did" the punishment. But, taking away the cell phone really worked as a good alternative punishment. It cut down the social networking (and the grades didn't suffer during the baseball season!)
I just read keewartson the original post, and after some discussion, he said paying half of a month's travelball fees as punishment would be fair. I am thinking the full amount if they are employed!
My child is very motivated when it comes to baseball. But, I can see that some of his teammates would be relieved if they were told they couldn't go to workouts, conditioning, and weight training!
As it turned out, we took away something he really never "had" so life for him was going on as it had before. I then adjusted the punishment to also include taking away "screens" for the duration of All-Stars (TV, gameboy, computer, playstation). He wound up playing outside, browsing through civil war books, and going to watch some of the allstar games. Fast forward 4 years: he lied, again, about the use of his cell phone. Dad, in an outrage (he should have cooled off first), said he couldn't participate in the two showcases he was asked to be in. I stayed out of the punishment since I knew (from reading this site) that 14 was a little young for showcasing anyway. Again, something was taken away that he never really "had". A month or so goes by and realizing that the showcases were mostly local events and his coach was using them for getting his players used to showcases in the future, I explained to my husband that I was fearful: that our son had worked very hard to make the high school team and wound up starting as an 8th grader and I was now afraid that he would slack off on practicing and working out if he didn't have something to work toward now that school was over. So, we "un-did" the punishment. But, taking away the cell phone really worked as a good alternative punishment. It cut down the social networking (and the grades didn't suffer during the baseball season!)
I just read keewartson the original post, and after some discussion, he said paying half of a month's travelball fees as punishment would be fair. I am thinking the full amount if they are employed!
My child is very motivated when it comes to baseball. But, I can see that some of his teammates would be relieved if they were told they couldn't go to workouts, conditioning, and weight training!
Playing baseball would be the least of my kids concerns if they every mouthed off to me or their mother. Or any other adult in my presence. And they were well aware of that fact and still are.
I have never taken anything away for misbehavior. I have always believed its better to give than take away. So I give you my hand across your a s s and you take away from it the lesson you better not forget.
You don't bargain with your children. You don't negotiate with them. There are rules and there are consequences for breaking those rules. There are not prizes awarded for acting the way you should act. They are not in a posistion to bargain or negotiate a deal for acting properly.
They do what they are supposed to do not because you will reward them for doing so. They do it because they have it in their heart to do the right thing. And those principles are instilled at a young age while you are in a posistion to instill those principles.
If you have to use baseball or any other gizmo to get your kid to act the way he should act your in serious trouble and its only going to get worse imo.
I have never taken anything away for misbehavior. I have always believed its better to give than take away. So I give you my hand across your a s s and you take away from it the lesson you better not forget.
You don't bargain with your children. You don't negotiate with them. There are rules and there are consequences for breaking those rules. There are not prizes awarded for acting the way you should act. They are not in a posistion to bargain or negotiate a deal for acting properly.
They do what they are supposed to do not because you will reward them for doing so. They do it because they have it in their heart to do the right thing. And those principles are instilled at a young age while you are in a posistion to instill those principles.
If you have to use baseball or any other gizmo to get your kid to act the way he should act your in serious trouble and its only going to get worse imo.
Coach May, I agree 100% about not bargaining with your children. My husband and I discussed it without keewartson present and we "re-adjusted" the punishment to limit cell phone use without any discussion from my child. It wasn't a negotiation. Keewartson said that paying half of the fees would be fair in that case.... it was just for discussion purposes.
I am quite a bit shorter than my boys now...they are 6'1" and 5'11"...so swatting them on their fanny isn't a good option. Thank goodness I have good kids that make good decisions!
I am quite a bit shorter than my boys now...they are 6'1" and 5'11"...so swatting them on their fanny isn't a good option. Thank goodness I have good kids that make good decisions!
Coach I don't completely disagree with you but I do believe that there is a point at which swatting has diminishing returns. After the age of 10 it gets, at least with my kids, less and less effective. In fact, the boy probably would rather get a good whap upside the head than some of the punishments I dish out at times.
I'll give you a good example from this week. My son would be horrified if he knew I was talking about this but he doesn't read this. My son just turned 13. Good kid, good student, not perfect but compared to some kids he is downright fantastic.
For his birthday he got his own e-mail addess and his own facebook page. We monitor his online time but as long as he appears to be doing what he should be doing we give him some space to converse with friends and do his thing.
Well, earlier this week he was working on his final project for his 7th grade science project. Him and his buddy were working on the computer and I let them be while I went out to tinker with the car. The next morning my wife pointed out something to me. One of the online search engines points out the last site that someone uses so that when you bring it up it will go back to that site.
Well, my son typed in Family Guy p-o-r-n in the Yahoo search engine. I'm not sure which is worse, that he was searching for **** on my computer or that he was trying to find cartoon ****. His mother was horrified. I was irritated and of course wanted to smack the boy upside the head but that wouldn't have done anything other than hurt my hand. So he lost all internet privs (except for school and only under direct supervision) til the end of the month. No e-mail, no facebook, no texting, nothin.
He would rather be beaten.
I'll give you a good example from this week. My son would be horrified if he knew I was talking about this but he doesn't read this. My son just turned 13. Good kid, good student, not perfect but compared to some kids he is downright fantastic.
For his birthday he got his own e-mail addess and his own facebook page. We monitor his online time but as long as he appears to be doing what he should be doing we give him some space to converse with friends and do his thing.
Well, earlier this week he was working on his final project for his 7th grade science project. Him and his buddy were working on the computer and I let them be while I went out to tinker with the car. The next morning my wife pointed out something to me. One of the online search engines points out the last site that someone uses so that when you bring it up it will go back to that site.
Well, my son typed in Family Guy p-o-r-n in the Yahoo search engine. I'm not sure which is worse, that he was searching for **** on my computer or that he was trying to find cartoon ****. His mother was horrified. I was irritated and of course wanted to smack the boy upside the head but that wouldn't have done anything other than hurt my hand. So he lost all internet privs (except for school and only under direct supervision) til the end of the month. No e-mail, no facebook, no texting, nothin.
He would rather be beaten.
I certainly understand your points and they are good ones. I never spanked my kids once they reached the age I felt I could have an adult conversation with them. Punishment for not doing what we felt they should have done or doing something we felt they shouldn't have done was a stern lecture and guidance on how to handle the situation differently. Them knowing we were disappointed with them seemed to be punishment enough by their reactions. Their consequent behavior gave me the feedback I was looking for.
I agree with both Coach May and TR to an extent.At 15 they know the difference between right and wrong, there is no middle ground.Choose the wrong path and there are debts to pay.
quote:Them knowing we were disappointed with them seemed to be punishment enough by their reactions. Their consequent behavior gave me the feedback I was looking for.
This statement is one of the best and truest statements I have ever read on this site. Fantastic!
I will add that the reaction I did receive at times was just as painful to me, but the pain eventually turned to pleasure when the smile returned and all was good.
