New High School Summer Team has following positions available:
Parent Wrangler: in charge of taming, hog-tying, dragging back to their cages and otherwise dealing with parents irate because their kid wasn't chosen/isn't playing/is better than that other kid whose parents are ******* up to the coach.
Perk Manager: drives to strip joints, pays bar bills, and arranges for prostitutes per each night of tournament (no, wait--this is a college-level position. Never mind.)
Fashion Stylista: ensures that last year's cardinal jerseys match this year's cardinal jerseys and that players' pants are exactly two inches above the ankle, no more, no less. Required to stand at exit of dugout to perform last minute checks before player heads up to the plate to bat, to make sure the proper amount of " sag" necessary for stylin' is acheived; image is everything and helps you get good calls from the ump.
Statistician Cross-Checker: corrects gross statistical errors made by horribly-biased parent statistican whose goal is to promote own kid and make everybody else look pathetic in comparison.
Statistician Cross-Cross-Checker: corrects gross statistical errors made by horribly-biased statistician cross-checker who hates statistician's guts, thinks' statistician's kid sucks, and that own kid is being neglected.
Statistician Cross-Cross-Cross Checker: corrects gross statistical errors made by statistician cross-cross checker who is a lovely person and may well have a point but unfortunately never played baseball and can't tell a balk from a walk.
Whiteout Buyer: responsible for replenishing whiteout supply as needed. Statistician team member will notify Whiteout Buyer when supply runs low. Averages two-three runs to Office Depot per week.
Sunflower Seed--Organic Gardening Community Liason: collects and delivers orally-ejected sunflower seed hulls from both dugouts and behind backstop after each game; delivers hulls to Community Garden director for use as mulch.
If budgetary constraints allow, a Manager and two coaches may also be hired.
To apply, please send resume and salary requirements to Ima Newbie, One Nye Eve St., San Lot, CA, 900000.
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