When we get frustrated???

I move that this post goes Golden......
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I so agree with you. I will say that I have been guilty of this in the past. Then one day I realized my son puts alot more pressure on himself than I ever could. Nine times out of ten these young men are not upset for themselves, they are frustrated because they think they let their team down. That is alot of pressure for a young man.

Now all that I ask of my son is that he gives 100%, as long as he tries I am proud of him.

This weekend we played in a tournament and a dad was on his child the entire time. Do this, don't do that, you're doing it wrong, these are things that stay in a child's mind and the last thing they need to be thinking in the batter's box or the field is about making their parents happy.

I also know parents who relive the entire game in the car on the way home. In our house, we leave that decision up to him. If he wants to talk about the things he did good or bad we let him, but it is not a discussion that we initiate.

When it is fun for them, it's fun. When it becomes work, it's work. And work is never fun.

Great post Coach May. Wish my son could play for you.

quote:

When it is fun for them, it's fun. When it becomes work, it's work. And work is never fun.

How many times on this website have we heard that a kid has to work hard to achieve. Regardles of his abilities.

If work is not fun......then you can't play this game.

I don't like to argue on this site, but I will fight this one to the end....

I agree with Coach Mays post, let the kid play, let the kid have fun, keep your distance and just let it happen. If the kid wants to work hard and get better he will...if he doesnt.. well, ya know how that will end..

I know from my experience that the types of dads who don't know when kiddy ball ends and high school ball start are doing a great disservice to their kids. Arguing ball and strikes incessantly, complaining to the coach about playing time, bad-mouthing the coach to other parents.. these kids are nearly all weeded out at the varsity level. Either because their dad destroyed their legimate chance or because their dad instilled a sense of distrust in the program and gave them a quitters attitude. Shut up and play ball.

TripleDad, I agree with you. I probably used the wrong wording. My son works (practices & plays) very hard. He always hustles, he is always the first one there and the last one to leave games and practices. He also sees his batting/catching instructor once a week. Never takes a break, or asks for time off, he always wants more. School is first and baseball is second. He always has a smile on his face. But it is not a job to him, it is not something that he feels he has to do. It something that he wants to do.

I guess what I should of said, is when its fun its fun, when it feels like something they have to do it feels like a meaningless job. I was trying to make the point that I have seen too many boys lose interest because it no longer became something they enjoyed.

A couple of years ago, my husband and I had great expectations for our son, who was then a sophomore on the varsity team. Any time he struck out, we'd ask him, "What happened???" He is the type who internalizes a lot and we had no idea that our well-intentioned questions were putting tremendous pressure on him. He went through a MAJOR slump that season.

That same spring, we were anticipating his participation on a high-level summer travel team. A player from a different high school, who would be competing for the same spot as our son on this team, was a home run hitter. Every time this kid hit a HR, we would find the newspaper account to show our son, circle his stats, and write, "This is your competition." HUGE mistake. Son had NEVER struggled defensively before, but he did that summer.

This past year, we went back to a "just enjoy the game" mentality. We told him to go out and have fun and we built his confidence, repeatedly saying, "You are going to have a GREAT season." And guess what -- he did.

We as parents sometimes lament that our kids "have to learn the hard way." Sadly, some of us parents have to learn the hard way too.

This went great with my morning cup of coffee!!
Thank you Coach May!

Nice reminder!

thanks

Maybe its just me, but it seems like the number of overbearing and high pressure parents go down as the kids get older. My son is a sophmore now, and I rarely hear parents yelling at their kids. But two or three years ago, there seemed to be one at every game. And at my 10 year olds travel s****r games, there are two or three at every game.

That has been my observation, too, bcb...but it only takes one to put a damper on the stands! I tend to doubt that that kind of parent figures out for themselves that they're not helping; it's the player getting old enough and confident enough to finally speak up.

Somebody wins and somebody loses with every pitch of a game; if you can't deal with that, you don't really know the game at all.

I have been to ball parks all over North America as many of you have. I can't remember a game where some parents act like this. You hear parents instructing their players from behind the back stop and the amazing part is they don't really give good advice. Our coaches would actually pull a parent aside discretely and tell him the facts of life. I had a guy yesterday yellin at a runner on 3rd with 1 out and a high pop fly was dropped by the 1st base man who lost it in the sun. He turned to me and said the runner was an idiot. I told him that if the ball was caught the 3rd base runner whould be a sitting duck. I also told him he does what the 3rd base coach tells him and he is not an idiot. Another dad pacing behind the back stop instructing his son who struck out every time he was at bat. That was real hard to listen to.
Our job is to keep our sons balanced and not let the bad days drag them down. I have always kept quiet and my talks with my son are in the car after the game. As he got older he actually asked for advice and comments on his mechanics. I have told him after a bad outting that I was more proud of his performance than many of the great outtings. It was because of the way he conducted himself.
To me that is what a parent should do. Also told him that my feelings for him had nothing to do with his BB. He wanted me at his games. I am sure if I mouthed off he would want me to stay home.

I often hear instruction given to players while batting by the parents (In the stands). Even at the high school level.
It is usually quick pointers, "top hand this, swing through that...ect"

These little pointers, while they might be correct, should be taken care of and reinforced at the tee, soft toss, BP etc...

When the kid steps up to the plate, he should not be thinking fundementals/mechanics. He needs to be focused on managing the plate appearance and SEEING THE BALL.
It takes tremendous concentration, don't disrupt it.

If you can't help yourself, and ya just gotta say something....throw out a "See the ball kid" or "have fun up there boy". Just some encouragement.

There are game situations where a kid may be reminded of something at the plate, but certainly not by the parent.

Youth league can be a little different, especially when you are dealing with a kid that only gets "dropped off at the park". But that instruction should still come from the coach.


Ya know, now that I think about it, in all the years and thousands of games I been around I have NEVER seen this happen: Coach walks over to the fence and says " Mr./Mrs. Smith, thank god you came to the game today, that stellar advice you barked out to Johnny was tremendous....I think we are gonna give you the game ball!!!

So take off your coach hat, put on your fan hat and LETUMPLAY.

Please excuse if the tone of this was a little harsh and directed at everyone here. It's not. Hopefully a well meaning parent will do a doublthink before barking unwanted advice through the fence.

Guilty. Just as guilty as all of you. Let me set the table...


Big game...I mean REALLY big game...like Roosevelt Elk or moose.

Bottom of the ninth...score is knotted two apiece...runner on third...two outs...3-2 count on the batter who is my youngest son...a sixteen year accumulation of just the right combination of everything...nice kid.

The pitcher on the mound has been pitching a gem, his dad's a jewelry wholesaler...been pitching like a machine...just won't be worn down...the name on his jersey was ATEC I believe.

The pitch comes sailing in towards the plate like a meteor streaking through the stratosphere. My son is motionless...the ump lifts his arm and is about to bark out his decision...but oh no...I'm not going to let him take the stage quite yet...no siree Bob.

I let the whole park know what I was thinking...the leaves shook, the birds stopped singing, moms ushered their little ones back into the women's room. The scoreboard flickered.

I let 'em have it...both lungs and my set of vocal cords working in concert, straining mightily to let this part of the world know what lil' 'ol gotwood4sale had on his mind.

Wow...you should have seen my son...Hoo boy! If central casting were looking for both disgust and astonishment etched very deeply on a young ballplayer's face they could end their search, forever, right there.

I'll never forget my son's face as he turned and burned his stare of total disapproval right into the deepest recess of my psyche...touching off immediate fires in the numerous tinder-dry slashpiles scattered about.

He took a breath...and then let me have it! "How could you? How could you do that Dad? Why then? Why just then? Couldn't it wait?"

I did my best to ignore the flaming slashpiles and responded to him..."Son...there are certain things in life that just should not be messed up...where nothing but total excellence is to be expected...total perfection...do you hear me?"

He squinted his eyes...now the stare was laser-like...intensely intense...the remaining slashpiles now not being merely torched, but being immediately vaporized. He was now sputtering, but essetially speechless...so I continued.

"I want you to know, I want all of you who can hear me to know...to know this! THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE! NOT EVEN CLOSE! IT'S GOT TO BE FULL! DO YOU UNDERSTAND...FULL! TO THE TOP...TO THE VERY TIPPY TOP! NO MORE HALF WAY OR EVEN THREE QUARTERS! WHEN I ORDER NACHOS THE CHEESE HAS GOT TO GO ALL THE WAY UP...TO THE VERY TOP!"

It was a long ride home. An hour or so. Those were the longest twenty blocks...I pleaded my case, but he wasn't listening...like I said...nice kid.

I told him to just slow down...I had a lot of catching up to do...he actually had me tethered to the back bumper...and although he was driving slowly I just couldn't keep up...and those nachos were now knocking on my esophagus like a classroom full of third graders squealing and itching to get out to recess.

Kids that are going to excell in this game are the ones that expect a tremendous amount form themsleves. They expect to succeed. They hate failure and they are driven to overcome. So what do they need? A person putting more pressure and expectations on them? Or a support system to help them find balance? Someone to let them know its ok and they are fine. Encourage them , support them , and dont forget they are your child first not a basball player first.

By the way I give hitting instruction to kids. My first lesson always starts out like this:

You must block everyone and everything out when you step in the batters box. Mom , Dad , the coach , the fans ---EVERYONE!!! You must have one focus and that is hitting the baseball. When you learn to do that , regardless if you never learn anything else about hitting you will have more success. And more importantly you will have a heck of alot more fun.

I knew at an early age my son would not have any trouble blocking out distractions

I used to be that kind of dad. Not way over the top, but I was certainly talking to my sons throughout their games, giving advice, reminding them of things they should be thinking of. I was particularly annoying to my 11 yr old son (though I didn't see it at the time) because he's a pitcher. What was really funny was when I missed his games, his coaches would tell me that he pitched his best. I should have put 2+2 together since I went through the same thing with my dad.

It shouldn't always take something dramatic to wake you up, but in my case it did. I was working in Los Angeles a couple summers ago, July 2005, and late one night my wife was on the way home with our 4 kids from a baseball game, and they were hit by a drunk driver. I don't need to go into the details of broken bones, internal bleeding, etc...all the things I was being told over the phone and could do nothing about. That was the longest night of my life, not being able to get home until the next day.

A couple of my sons are fortunate to be playing baseball at this point. My oldest had a broken shoulder and wrist on his throwing arm, and it hasn't healed properly so he can't pitch or catch anymore. He plays first, and though he's good at it, he doesn't love it like he does catching. But at least he's playing and he loves the game.

All that being said, perspectives can change. And it doesn't always take a life changing event. And what's so funny to me is that, now that I just sit back and watch my kids play, the over-the-top actions of so many other parents are so glaring now (when I wouldn't have noticed it much before). I hope everyone enjoys their kids playing as much as I do now.

Jon

Great stuff, I too am guilty w/ both boys. I think a lot of it is we know what to expect out of our kids and sometimes we just don't get it for whatever reason. This fall I've taken a different approach and tried to take some of the pressure off and not blowing a gasket when they screw it up.I think it's made a difference for all of us.Both my boys are very hard on themselves and they certainly don't need my dumb behind piling on.Thanks to everyone here for chiming in and helping me to reinforce this approach. We are leaving right now for a fall league game and I know I'm gonna have some fun.

I think most parents have been guilty to some degree. For me, I started coaching my oldest at age 6 and have since coached for years. I was always on the other side of the fence. Had I not coached I am quite positive I would have been a fence freak until I figured it out.

You TripleDad...a fence freak? You can teach an old dog a new trick every once in awhile...

http://www.maniacworld.com/clever_dog.wmv
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Pod people took over my body. Talk about out of character!

I can't believe I was on the end of the conversation I took Saturday. My son had a tournament this weekend. He also had a major team project due at school later this week. Since the five kids on his project team all play football, s****r and/or fall ball they figured out one of the few times they could get together was Saturday from 4pm to whenever they finished.

Saturday mornings tournament games were rained out. We were rescheduled to play at 5pm. While we're driving home from the rained out morning games this conversation took place ....

SON: Dad, I can't play at 5pm. I have to go to Bill's house and work on my project.

ME: You have an obligation to your teammates. You have to play. You're the starting pitcher.

SON: You always told me school is more important than sports. You told me grades count now since I'm a freshman.

ME: Your team counts too. You don't want to develop a reputation of letting down your teammates.

SON: We have ten pitchers. Someone else can make my start. I can pitch tomorrow.

Without going on with the dialog, I told him to call his friends and see if they were available in an hour. Being the good kids and friends of my son they are, they all accomodated him. The good thing is is a solution was found to make all the pieces fit. But while driving to an appointment this morning I was thinking about this and wondering if I lost my mind.

What it really came down to was we were playing a team with a coach I couldn't stand and wanted JR to stand this team on their head.

My son must have thought I lost my mind. Since he started with kiddie ball sports and school he's heard school comes first.

quote:

Originally posted by bcb3:
Maybe its just me, but it seems like the number of overbearing and high pressure parents go down as the kids get older. My son is a sophmore now, and I rarely hear parents yelling at their kids. But two or three years ago, there seemed to be one at every game. And at my 10 year olds travel s****r games, there are two or three at every game.

When you attend a preteen sports event do you believe you could sort out which parents preteen is their oldest kid and which parents have older kids playing at higher, more competitive levels of sports? Except for a handful of crackpot parents I believe I can sort them out to 90% or better accuracy.

Even at my son's high school JV s****r game a parent asked why I don't seem nervous with my son playing goalie when the game rests on his shoulders. Especially since he skipped the freshman team. I chuckled and told the person it's only JV. Whether he makes the play or not, it's developmental for varsity.

My son played travel s****r for an elite team before quitting to play football. He returned to s****r this year. I couldn't stand half the parents.

The worst parents are hockey parents (we go to some of a friend's games), travel s****r parents and girl's softball parents. From a sociological standpoint the upper middle class white parents are the worst. They act spoiled and entitled. I've been exposed to all kinds. My son has played travel basketball games in ghettos. My daughter ran track.

quote:

Originally posted by TripleDad:
I think most parents have been guilty to some degree. For me, I started coaching my oldest at age 6 and have since coached for years. I was always on the other side of the fence. Had I not coached I am quite positive I would have been a fence freak until I figured it out.

When my daughter was ten she taught me how to be a sports parent. I completely humilated her with a negative comment loud enough for the entire gym to hear (I was coaching) in a 9/10 rec basketball game and made her cry. I had to pull her from the game. She couldn't see through the tears. After the game she told me if I said that to any other player on the team, the player would have quit right after their dad punched me. Ever since that moment, except for a handful of mild lapses, I've treated my kids the same as every other player on the team whether I've been coaching or in the stands.

I did have a lapse a couple of weeks ago. My son made three errors in an inning. On the third I yelled out, "JC, make the GD play." What I should have calmly said is, "Your foot work was wrong on that play." He threw an inning ending DP toss into left field. Had he made the play we would have survived his other two errors.

When my son came in from the field I was glaring at him. He said, "Thanks for the support, Brooks." The Brooks comment was a shot at me. He remembered I've told players if Brooks Robinson can make three errors in an inning in a World Series game, they're allowed to screw up once in a while too.

Later in the game another player came up to me. He joked it really confused him when I said JC while yelling at my son. He said from listening to his father's criticm, he thought he was JC.