A look in the Mirror-How to deal with the Bad outing?

Tell him you love him.

I think anybody who doesn't know exactly where you're coming from is lying to themselves.

It's so hard.  We're parents. We love our kids.  Probably more than anything else in the world.

Just looking back, I think the things I regret most are judged by this:

"Did I treat baseball like a game?  or a job?"

I decided long, long ago, my kid was too young for a job. Baseball is a game.  It's supposed to be fun.

I TRY (and dear god, I wish I could succeed more at it) to just not try to coach my son.  I try to be a parent.  He has enough coaches.

Deep down, I want my son to love the game of baseball. To have fun playing it.  To find joy in the simple act of playing a game that's meant to be fun.

Everything else?  it should all revolve around that.  There's no point to continuing to play the game in college if it's not fun for the kid.  What is the point?  That they squeezed out 4 more years of playing a game that they felt was an obligation?

Realistically, what does that prepare them for?  To be a high school coach somewhere?  But coaching and playing are not the same thing.  And being good at one doesn't make you necessarily good at the other.

Anyway, Just basically saying I feel your pain. 

Overall, we need to let it go.  I think I'm reading that between the lines of your post.

Remember, it's HIS high school career.  Not yours.  

Nothing you can say to him is going to make him want to win more than he wants to win.

He is ABSOLUTELY DOING THE BEST HE CAN.  All the time.  Every time he takes the field.  And sometimes the result is an 0-fer day at the plate or getting shelled on the mound.  It happens.

As a parent, we want this SOOOO BADLY for our kids. We want them to be happy. We want them to be successful. We want them to perform to their potential. And when things go badly, our heart breaks, because we're parents.

Thing is, as bad as the kid feels when he has a bad day:  if he feels like he let down his parents, it makes the kid feel worse.  It really does.

There's a time to be a parent.  

And again, I am NOT at all saying I was or am a good parent in all this.  As much as my son has learned by playing ball all these years, I continue to learn, step by step.  There are a lot of things I would do over again if I could.

I think when it's all said and done, nobody lies on their death bed saying they wish they'd spent more time at the office. And nobody sits there watching their grandkids play tee-ball thinking, "Man, I really, really wish I'd been harder on their dad when he was playing."

The game is hard enough on the players. The parents really don't need to be.  Once my son hit High School, I told myself to be hands-off about everything.  Just be there to support and encourage.  If he plays after High School?  Awesome.  If he doesn't?  That's awesome, too. There's a life beyond the diamond.

You may not like this ... You had your turn. It’s his turn. Stop living through your kid. 

No, it’s not tee ball. But do you expect parents to boo your son off the field. How about a few, “Get a clue, you stiff!” They clapped out of respect for your son’s ability and effort if not the result. If he’s a mid major D1 prospect he has a lot of ability. 

Relax, it’s his game. He will go as far as his ability, desire and work ethic takes him. You’re along for the ride. Your job is to be supportive. If he asks for your input provide it in a constructive fashion. 

If you’re worried about one game, grow up! If you’re worried about the recruiting process I assure you every kid has a bad day. It’s all about how he rebounds. The good players rebound. 

My son got picked off first as the tying run to end his first high school varsity season. The team finished decimal points out of the district playoffs. A parent yelled out he was a f’n moron for everyone to hear. He was ragged on by a sports columnist as a college player when he was playing out of position due to injuries. He survived. How? He tuned out yesterday win or lose. 

Add: After reading someone’s post it’s hard for parents I asked myself why I’m different. My father was the athletic parent from hell. I still remember going 3-4, two doubles, a homer and six rbi’s In a college summer league game. Why? Because between the field and my car my father reamed me about popping up with the bases loaded in the 8th inning up seven runs.

As a high school freshman I told him if he ever showed up at another game I would walk off the field. So there I was on the mound in the 7th pitching a no hitter in a Babe Ruth game. I looked past the outfield while catching my breath. I recognized a car off in the distance. I saw my father standing across the highway behind left field on the street parallel to the highway. I gave him the finger. I walked the next three hitters. The score was 1-0. I struck out the next two. Then the left fielder made a game saving, no hitter saving awesome diving catch for the last out. My father drove over to the field. I told him to get the F away from me. 

The only lack of 100% comment I ever gave my kids was asking if they could reach their goals laying on the sofa. I never broke down games unless they asked. They usually did.

Prof Jimmy posted:

I think anybody who doesn't know exactly where you're coming from is lying to themselves.

It's so hard.  We're parents. We love our kids.  Probably more than anything else in the world.

Just looking back, I think the things I regret most are judged by this:

"Did I treat baseball like a game?  or a job?"

I decided long, long ago, my kid was too young for a job. Baseball is a game.  It's supposed to be fun.

I TRY (and dear god, I wish I could succeed more at it) to just not try to coach my son.  I try to be a parent.  He has enough coaches.

Deep down, I want my son to love the game of baseball. To have fun playing it.  To find joy in the simple act of playing a game that's meant to be fun.

Everything else?  it should all revolve around that.  There's no point to continuing to play the game in college if it's not fun for the kid.  What is the point?  That they squeezed out 4 more years of playing a game that they felt was an obligation?

Realistically, what does that prepare them for?  To be a high school coach somewhere?  But coaching and playing are not the same thing.  And being good at one doesn't make you necessarily good at the other.

Anyway, Just basically saying I feel your pain. 

Overall, we need to let it go.  I think I'm reading that between the lines of your post.

Remember, it's HIS high school career.  Not yours.  

Nothing you can say to him is going to make him want to win more than he wants to win.

He is ABSOLUTELY DOING THE BEST HE CAN.  All the time.  Every time he takes the field.  And sometimes the result is an 0-fer day at the plate or getting shelled on the mound.  It happens.

As a parent, we want this SOOOO BADLY for our kids. We want them to be happy. We want them to be successful. We want them to perform to their potential. And when things go badly, our heart breaks, because we're parents.

Thing is, as bad as the kid feels when he has a bad day:  if he feels like he let down his parents, it makes the kid feel worse.  It really does.

There's a time to be a parent.  

And again, I am NOT at all saying I was or am a good parent in all this.  As much as my son has learned by playing ball all these years, I continue to learn, step by step.  There are a lot of things I would do over again if I could.

I think when it's all said and done, nobody lies on their death bed saying they wish they'd spent more time at the office. And nobody sits there watching their grandkids play tee-ball thinking, "Man, I really, really wish I'd been harder on their dad when he was playing."

The game is hard enough on the players. The parents really don't need to be.  Once my son hit High School, I told myself to be hands-off about everything.  Just be there to support and encourage.  If he plays after High School?  Awesome.  If he doesn't?  That's awesome, too. There's a life beyond the diamond.

This post sums up how I feel.  I've written several recent posts regarding the subject, and it is so important to be supportive.  I'm not talking about supporting a kid who isn't taking it seriously, isn't working hard, etc.  I'm talking about a kid that you can tell is working his tail off, trying as hard as he can, and for whatever reason, is in a funk. 

As you said, just be their parent when times are tough.  There are coaches, and the game of baseball that will be hard on them.

RJM posted:

You may not like this ... You had your turn. It’s his turn. Stop living through your kid. 

No, it’s not tee ball. But do you expect parents to boo your son off the field. How about a few, “Get a clue, you stiff!” They clapped out of respect for your son’s ability and effort if not the result. If he’s a mid major D1 prospect he has a lot of ability. 

Relax, it’s his game. He will go as far as his ability, desire and work ethic takes him. You’re along for the ride. Your job is to be supportive. If he asks for your input provide it in a constructive fashion. 

If you’re worried about one game, grow up! If you’re worried about the recruiting process I assure you every kid has a bad day. It’s all about how he rebounds. The good players rebound. 

My son got picked off first as the tying run to end his first high school varsity season. The team finished decimal points out of the district playoffs. A parent yelled out he was a f’n moron for everyone to hear. He was ragged on by a sports columnist as a college player when he was playing out of position due to injuries. He survived. How? He tuned out yesterday win or lose. 

You make a good point about the clapping.  It was the right thing for them to do, and they were showing support for a kid who needed it at that time.  I'm sure they can see his talent, and even though he didn't get it done that day, they know he can do it.  

Great honest post and as Prof Jimmy says, I'm sure we all go through something similar in our journey with our kids.  Good to see that you recognize the situation.  I hope that "getting it out" here is helpful.

I will remind you of a few things, even though it seems you are well aware...

As baseball parents (or any other type of parents), our kids need to know, first, that we love them and are proud of them for who they are as a whole person, not just as a baseball player.  

As much as we might want to force ourselves into helping them through the difficult emotional growth stages of teen years, we can't.  But we darn well better figure out the best way to enjoy them because we only get one shot and we are far more likely to have regrets by being the "overly emotionally invested on the baseball side" parent that you describe yourself as instead of the overall great dad that I can tell you are striving to be.

Each specific player's recruiting timeline and readiness will play out based on that specific player's progression and journey, not the "industry standard".  And you can absolutely bet that there will be highs and lows along the way.

The "stop clapping, please"...  you know that the clapping is just a common courtesy.  It would be very wrong for a group of HS parents to react the opposite way or any other way.  It was your frustration coming out.  Period.

Prof Jimmy has some great observations about "no point in continuing to play in college if it's not fun for the kid".  I've seen that play out dozens and dozens of times.  Continue to give him the tools and occasional guidance in a positive spirit.  Everything else has to come from him.  ENJOY THE JOURNEY !!!

Best to you !!

Oh, and we are in the SoCal Southern Section as well.  You are exaggerating quite a bit when you say P's at 85-88 are a dime a dozen.  Not uncommon but certainly not falling off the trees.  He has something special.  If he continues to grow mentally and with his approach, he will be fine.

We have a senior who has some abilities but has never been particularly strong mentally.  Typical teenager.  Last night, half way through his senior year, he broke through a barrier with that aspect.  There were people there who recognized it.  He will now start getting some interest.  Didn't happen until it was his time.

It's so hard being the parent of an athlete, "if they would just do this or that, all their dreams will come true, money/security/freedom and all of my dreams will come true too", we as parents think we have it all figured out, to some degree we have life experiences and perspective, but it's their life to live, for better or worse. Baseball will end. The game's roller coaster never ends, HS-college-MiLB-MLB, it will always be a grind, unless they're Mike Trout or Kris Bryant. At what point do we just appreciate them for what they are? I hope that my boys will want something to do with me later. If not, it will have been my fault, not their's. Think about that. 

I'm the HS dad that sits by myself, away from everyone, just watching, how kids warm up, in/out, dugout behavior, defensive warm-ups, etc. I just want to see a kid who works, who never lets up, hopefully, mine are that way, but I'm also the guy that ends up being found by a dad of a kid who is having a rough game. The day is what it is, but there's always tomorrow. I'll catch myself being so supportive of those kids, reasoning with the kid's mistakes, giving them every benefit of the doubt, suggesting some way to overcome and be better and you know what? It makes me feel good and I hope 1 day if I need a kind word of reassurance that 1 of those guys will provide it. With your kid, put some good Kharma out there and just trust him to do what he knows he needs to do.

Thank you Everyone for the reply's  . I am reading them and taking them all to Heart!   it is his game ,his life. his time .    I know I was wrong for what I said (I even knew I was wrong before I said it) .  I just needed to get this out so I can recover and refocus on support for my son.  

One of the Dad's PM'd me and said that how he feels that week is sometimes dependent on how his kid pitches that week.  I am the same way.   We both know this is wrong, yet we still feel like that?   So ,obviously I am too in "living my life through my son" mode and need to figure out how to change that constructively,  while still be supportive and loving to my son's dreams.   Probably not the same recipe for each parent...  I have to find mine. 

We can all relate Fish.  It won't go away all together.  It's part of being a loving parent.  But you are working in the right direction to a little better perspective on how to handle it, I think.

Let me start by saying I applaud you for putting your feelings and actions out here. That's huge. Venting can be good, and this can be a good place to do it. As I'm sure you already see, it is a very supportive community with a lot of experience.

I get where you're coming from as a lot of us have undoubtedly felt and/or acted similarly. In my opinion, you've got to find a way to enjoy the journey that your son is on as it can come to an end in an instant. This may not be the case with you, but I think what happens often is we associate their successes and failures with ourselves, which makes it extremely personal. Nobody is judging you by what your son does or does not do. They're likely not thinking about you at any level. The old saying applies:

When you're young you worry about what everyone thinks about you.
When you reach middle age you don't give a damn about what everyone thinks about you!
When you're old you realize nobody was really thinking about you at all.

To echo previous posts, this is his deal and if you can figure out how to be supportive of him and not happy/sad/angry (with) yourself, it might change your perspective and relative levels of highs and lows. I truly hope you find what works for you and your son. You won't regret it!

I need  a bottle of Xanax when my son throws. The sad thing is, i think ....i know i have zero to do with his success or failure. I don't even realize it sometimes....in Louisville a few weekends ago, he came in and threw well striking out the last 3 he faced for the save and series clinching 2nd win for the team....a friend said to me after the last called strike 3 on his CB, "Chuck, you can breathe now".

I had no idea.

Tell him you love him and support him. He has a long way to go. Be straight with him if that is how you've always been but don't be negative. He has or will have plenty of that to deal with without you contributing to it.

Best wishes to your son, keep us in the loop on his progression.

Prof Jimmy posted:

I think anybody who doesn't know exactly where you're coming from is lying to themselves.

It's so hard.  We're parents. We love our kids.  Probably more than anything else in the world.

Just looking back, I think the things I regret most are judged by this:

"Did I treat baseball like a game?  or a job?"

I decided long, long ago, my kid was too young for a job. Baseball is a game.  It's supposed to be fun.

I TRY (and dear god, I wish I could succeed more at it) to just not try to coach my son.  I try to be a parent.  He has enough coaches.

Deep down, I want my son to love the game of baseball. To have fun playing it.  To find joy in the simple act of playing a game that's meant to be fun.

Everything else?  it should all revolve around that.  There's no point to continuing to play the game in college if it's not fun for the kid.  What is the point?  That they squeezed out 4 more years of playing a game that they felt was an obligation?

Realistically, what does that prepare them for?  To be a high school coach somewhere?  But coaching and playing are not the same thing.  And being good at one doesn't make you necessarily good at the other.

Anyway, Just basically saying I feel your pain. 

Overall, we need to let it go.  I think I'm reading that between the lines of your post.

Remember, it's HIS high school career.  Not yours.  

Nothing you can say to him is going to make him want to win more than he wants to win.

He is ABSOLUTELY DOING THE BEST HE CAN.  All the time.  Every time he takes the field.  And sometimes the result is an 0-fer day at the plate or getting shelled on the mound.  It happens.

As a parent, we want this SOOOO BADLY for our kids. We want them to be happy. We want them to be successful. We want them to perform to their potential. And when things go badly, our heart breaks, because we're parents.

Thing is, as bad as the kid feels when he has a bad day:  if he feels like he let down his parents, it makes the kid feel worse.  It really does.

There's a time to be a parent.  

And again, I am NOT at all saying I was or am a good parent in all this.  As much as my son has learned by playing ball all these years, I continue to learn, step by step.  There are a lot of things I would do over again if I could.

I think when it's all said and done, nobody lies on their death bed saying they wish they'd spent more time at the office. And nobody sits there watching their grandkids play tee-ball thinking, "Man, I really, really wish I'd been harder on their dad when he was playing."

The game is hard enough on the players. The parents really don't need to be.  Once my son hit High School, I told myself to be hands-off about everything.  Just be there to support and encourage.  If he plays after High School?  Awesome.  If he doesn't?  That's awesome, too. There's a life beyond the diamond.

Prof Jimmy, welcome as you are new.  Valuable info, keep it up!

We all feel it.  It is pressure that they feel that trickles down to us.  I feel bad for any kid that is imploding on the mound or on the field...I can see my kid in them.  It is what it is.  You can't change anything.  In my opinion, there are enough people coaching him, setting expectations...himself included.  When my kid has a bad outing, I hug him.  I know he feels awful.  If he could have done better, he would have.  Obviously, there are things to work on but I know at that time, he did his best. Who wants a bad outing?  I don't tell him its ok, or he'll do better next time.  I hug him and that's it.  I want to be the one place where he can let down.

The growth occurs when you persevere through the struggle or adversity. His focus was on point where expectations were lower..... and ....his focus was lower when the expectation was the opposition was going to roll over on him and play dead because of his last start. 

Ahhhh baseball! Both sides have an equal opportunity to play both sides of the ball, that's what makes baseball so unique, so much that there's an opportunity for ANYONE to rise up and be the star that day/night.  

We've all seen the situation when a team gets taken to the wood shed......the coach pulls all the starters in lieu of the replacements.........and the replacements out perform the starters............THEY WERE HUNGRY and wanted it! In competition, you relax or take your competition lightly, they will take advantage of that "chink" in your armor every time !

I too have a '18 pitcher. Yes, he's had some rough outings BUT that rough outing cannot define who you are as a pitcher or competitor. EVERY pitcher has a rough outing, you simply learn from it and move on. Heck, the opening game Tuesday, Indians vs Angels......Tomlin was 41 pitches, 6 runs with 2 HRs against in the first................it's one outing and he's getting paid!!!!!!

Support your son through the good and the bad. Trust me, he knows what he's done and he doesn't need another kick in the groin!!!!! He needs love and support. The game is tough enough without  a parent being a critic and it takes a lot of courage and determination to continue moving forward in the game. Your  love and support will help him get through the lows in the game as will his health and love for the game.

Your kid is not gonna strike out every batter just as every batter doesn't go 4 for 4. It's unrealistic to put expectations on any player. It will set you and them up for disappointment. Keep your highs, not too high and your lows, well, not too low, but live somewhere in the middle.

I think ya'll need to go to DQ for a banana split & talk about a fishing trip this weekend! Fry  up that catch on an open fire & watch the moon rise & listen to the locusts...Relax, & have a little fun! 

baseballmom posted:

I think ya'll need to go to DQ for a banana split & talk about a fishing trip this weekend! Fry  up that catch on an open fire & watch the moon rise & listen to the locusts...Relax, & have a little fun! 

I'm in!!!!!! Except it's supposed to snow here in MO! You just described late August into September!

So just another perspective — I'm the mom married to the dad who has done this to our 2018 PO. What I've realized is both my husband and my son need tools and support to get through the rough times. Cause when things don't go well it hurts, and when you have to fight about it afterwards, it just makes it worse.

My goal is to get everyone to treat every game as another day at the office.

We sit in the outfield with a small group of friends and former coaches who love our son as much as we do. They would have clapped for my son too and shouted encouraging words to him, while saying quietly to us "boy, he sucked today." Then we go to dinner and rehash the game AS ADULTS, not with the players. If the boys show up, they drive the conversation. If they don't, the grownups replay every pitch.

But we don't take it home to our son.

As for my son, we've learned to let son tell us what he needs — we offer dinner with us, $20 for dinner with friends, or just a slap on the shoulder and "who do we play tomorrow?"

And I'll be honest, on really bad days at the office, son still tries to squeeze his 6'4" self into my lap and cries, although never in front of his dad.

I figure he knows what he needs and the best way we can help is be open to hearing what will make him feel better (even when that means NOT US), and then do our best to provide it (within reason).

Remember when some bubble gum or a popsicle after a bad game solved everything?

I didn't realize this until after my son left college.  Baseball has a way of letting the player know he can/cannot play at the next level.  His poor outings are just as valuable as his great ones.  You take them all, put them in a big container, mix it up, and whatever comes out will tell him his future in baseball.  No matter how much you or son wants to play at next level, if he has it he does.  That's not saying not to give 100% effort and train the appropriate way because that will help max out his potential.  I was in the same position as you wanting to decrease tuition with a scholly.  He may end up at a D3 but with an academic award, and still plays baseball.  Let it go, as long as the effort is there you can't fault someone who may not have the talent to reach his dream .  Dreams may change, key to keeping them alive is how you realistically adjust.   

Shoveit4Ks posted:

I need  a bottle of Xanax when my son throws. The sad thing is, i think ....i know i have zero to do with his success or failure. I don't even realize it sometimes....in Louisville a few weekends ago, he came in and threw well striking out the last 3 he faced for the save and series clinching 2nd win for the team....a friend said to me after the last called strike 3 on his CB, "Chuck, you can breathe now".

I had no idea.

 

...

Hahaha... perfect, Shove.

Fish, his story reminds me of one of my little tricks that I've shared here before.  Something that really helped get me over the hump...

Unlike so many that find some solace going off to a corner somewhere, I took the opposite approach.  I would force myself to get to know the other players' parents, what they like to do and what their player likes to do outside of baseball.  I would make sure I was rooting for the team and every kid on it (in my own reserved way).  When son would do something particularly bad, I would make light of it.  When he would do something particularly good, I would downplay it and make light of it.  In doing this, sometimes I would even find myself missing a play or hit or pitch of his.  At those moments, I realized that I was gaining a much healthier perspective.  Oh, and met some pretty cool people along the way.

First, I am going to share a some text messages I received from my son's pitching coach (also one of the best) after I sent PC a long text message regarding my son's poor performance last Saturday. My son is a 2018 RHP who is a late bloomer and is trying to live up to his new found notoriety and recent commitment to Power 5 program. Text from PC: "I think u just need to breathe and relax. He's fine. And will be fine. Trying to always change or criticize him will hurt him in these situations. The more that gets spoken about it...whether in good health or not, the worse things will get. One outing does not make anyone. One outing doesn't destroy anyone. He wants u to be his dad...love him. Care about him. Sometimes in sports the sports get in the way of that...because of criticism. High level athletes have this pressure on them that if they don't do well, they won't be loved. My advice to every parent or family member is to show them love and limit the sport talk. They have enough on their mind already. Restore the personal side of your lives and watch how the athletic side skyrockets. He loves u. He tells me how lucky he is with u. Just embrace that he's trying hard. If that love is threatened, he will tense up. Every pro athlete I know has unconditional love surrounding them. Just don't let him forget how much you love him regardless of performance. Common advice...try easier..just love em man. That's what he want. He wants a dad...not a coach from u. He gets enough coaching elsewhere. I know it's hard but that is what he wants!"

As you can probably tell...I was responding as he was sending these text messages. I am so incredibly grateful to have this guy in our lives. I needed to hear this message. I have coached my kid in football and baseball since he was a kid. I gave up HS baseball coaching job to give him room to breathe after his frosh year. However, I continued to coach him on the side. I thought I was helping my son but turns out I was probably doing more harm then good. 

Your son sounds a lot like my kid. Well liked, easy going, good grades, etc. Your son needs to have a safe place to get away from it all. That safe place needs to be at home with his parents. Love him unconditionally. Trust that he has lots of people coaching him up. Make sure he knows that it would not matter to you if he ever pitched again, as long as he is happy. I will stop there as I have no room to get to preachy. I am early on in my rehab.  However, I can tell you that my son also has coaches giving him the business right now but it feels so much better to support him and be on his side then it does to coach him up and watch our relationship deteriorate!

If you ever need someone to talk with, please feel free to message me. We are living very similar lives at this point in time.

baseballmom posted:

I think ya'll need to go to DQ for a banana split & talk about a fishing trip this weekend! Fry  up that catch on an open fire & watch the moon rise & listen to the locusts...Relax, & have a little fun! 

Animal House ...

What to we do now?

Road Trip!

A couple things I am fairly certain of when reading the OP.

#1: Remember that your son is very likely, a WAY better player / pitcher than you probably ever dreamed about being.

#2: The other parents were clapping for your son, not judging his performance. They were applauding the man & the effort. You would do the same for the other kid.

#3: As a player you are never as good or bad as your performance feels at that given moment. When you watch your boy pitch & he has a rough game, it feels like part of you is dying inside! Others view it like this: "Johnny had a rough day but we know he is still really good."  He is not defined by one performance, good or bad. 

I can't read these threads anymore. My BPSD emerges with a vengeance (baseball parent stress disorder). If you find the perfect fairy dust to sprinkle around, I need to find a time machine.

To this day, BPSD emerges when I watch any pitcher (at any level) struggling - because now I know that somewhere there sits/drives/walks/hides a parent in agony.

As for the player, failure in this game is inevitable. Each figures out a way to deal with it; dealing with it, however, didn't lessen my pain.

We are NOT "parents of athletes."  We are parents of individuals who have been created by God for specific purposes in His plan.  Being a good dad and husband and member of society is far more important than being an all-star.  Being what you have been created to be is just as important as being a pro athlete, super star performer, model, actor, etc.    We have this strange obsession with staring at and applauding people who can do something freakishly good.   Unfortunately, many of them are also some pretty crummy people.  

Goosegg posted:

I can't read these threads anymore. My BPSD emerges with a vengeance (baseball parent stress disorder). If you find the perfect fairy dust to sprinkle around, I need to find a time machine.

To this day, BPSD emerges when I watch any pitcher (at any level) struggling - because now I know that somewhere there sits/drives/walks/hides a parent in agony.

As for the player, failure in this game is inevitable. Each figures out a way to deal with it; dealing with it, however, didn't lessen my pain.

 

Goose,

I’ll add, “I know that somewhere there sits/drives/walks/hides/CHAINSMOKES MARLBORO REDS/DRINKS HEAVILY a parent in agony.”

Steve A. posted:

A couple things I am fairly certain of when reading the OP.

#1: Remember that your son is very likely, a WAY better player / pitcher than you probably ever dreamed about being.

#2: The other parents were clapping for your son, not judging his performance. They were applauding the man & the effort. You would do the same for the other kid.

#3: As a player you are never as good or bad as your performance feels at that given moment. When you watch your boy pitch & he has a rough game, it feels like part of you is dying inside! Others view it like this: "Johnny had a rough day but we know he is still really good."  He is not defined by one performance, good or bad. 

When possible I video tape son’s pitching outings.  I can only make maybe 4-5 of his 28 games a season so it’s a way for me to squeeze the most out of each outing I get to watch.  

Steve A’s #3 point is dead on.   Son’s last outing I set camera up behind home plate and pressed record and walked about 100yards away to a neighboring field.  From where I stood it looked like a painful outing, but as usual when I get home and watch it again, 9/10 times the outing was much better than I thought.   Like I literally remembered only the WPs and HBPs and completely forgot about the 8-Ks.   Honestly.   I do it all the time.   The outing was always better than I originally thought.   😃

This topic means a lot to me, and one I try to help others with, anyway..... Lots of good advice from others who have been where you are. Just back up and enjoy your family. You said you hope he realizes you are there to support and love him. Make sure he knows that, and money always gets mentioned on how much was spent playing ball. Please, do not focus on the dollars. Instead focus on the time spent with your son and family doing what he loves.

Someone mentioned road trip..... I think we may do that. My daughter did not have the outing she wanted in her sport this weekend, and on the way home she mentioned she would love to go to New Orleans and watch her cousin pitch against Tulane this weekend.  After reading this, sounds like a good plan to me.

Absolutely great post and responses.  I have a 2019 and I am the HC.  My 2019 is not a D1 prospect, probably not a D3 prospect.  He was easily a D1 prospect as a goalie in soccer but he loves baseball and made the decision to forgo soccer to play a sport he loves.  As a dad, that hurt just because I knew his potential but I also recognized that I could not let him sacrifice something he would never be able to do again only to make Soccer a job. 

He's a great athlete which makes him valuable to his team but he has really slumped this year at the plate: 15 PA, 4 AB, .000 Avg, .733 OBP, 10BB, 6R, 6SB.  He's down because he hasn't hit but I told him he has to recognize he has been extremely patient at the plate and looking at his other numbers he has greatly contributed to the team.  My hardest decision has been keeping him in the 9 hole for a second leadoff man with high OBP verses moving him up in the line up for the same reason.  He hits well in BP as long as I am not pitching or on the machine (or around that he knows of) but with me there he crumbles.  I told him that he has got to get over me being there, I have no greater expectation for him than I do for any other player and that he is trying too hard because he wants to impress me.  That's probably been my toughest aspect of coaching.

I too am extremely connected by default and my personality is animated so I have been learning how to be very deliberate in my words and actions and focusing on being an encourager in order to win the right to follow with "but let's work on this one other thing..."

Now, I think I am going to plan a fishing trip!

OB1 posted:

Absolutely great post and responses.  I have a 2019 and I am the HC.  My 2019 is not a D1 prospect, probably not a D3 prospect.  He was easily a D1 prospect as a goalie in soccer but he loves baseball and made the decision to forgo soccer to play a sport he loves.  As a dad, that hurt just because I knew his potential but I also recognized that I could not let him sacrifice something he would never be able to do again only to make Soccer a job. 

He's a great athlete which makes him valuable to his team but he has really slumped this year at the plate: 15 PA, 4 AB, .000 Avg, .733 OBP, 10BB, 6R, 6SB.  He's down because he hasn't hit but I told him he has to recognize he has been extremely patient at the plate and looking at his other numbers he has greatly contributed to the team.  My hardest decision has been keeping him in the 9 hole for a second leadoff man with high OBP verses moving him up in the line up for the same reason.  He hits well in BP as long as I am not pitching or on the machine (or around that he knows of) but with me there he crumbles.  I told him that he has got to get over me being there, I have no greater expectation for him than I do for any other player and that he is trying too hard because he wants to impress me.  That's probably been my toughest aspect of coaching.

I too am extremely connected by default and my personality is animated so I have been learning how to be very deliberate in my words and actions and focusing on being an encourager in order to win the right to follow with "but let's work on this one other thing..."

Now, I think I am going to plan a fishing trip!

That's a pretty small sample size, and I would happily have that production in my line-up.  I wouldn't call a .733 OBP struggling.

rynoattack posted:

That's a pretty small sample size, and I would happily have that production in my line-up.  I wouldn't call a .733 OBP struggling.

I agree, that's why I told him he needs to focus on the overall benefit of his productiveness to the team...but you know players, he wants that to be his batting average.

Due to mother nature, we've only been able to get 5 games in this season but we have 4 this week, which is going to KILL my pitching staff!

I have read several comments on her from other parents and they have given a ton of great advice. Please allow me to give mine from a slightly different angle, I was your son not all that long ago. My Dad was at every game, saw every pitch I threw, every at bat that I had, every grounder that I caught. Most of my teammates envied me for this, they saw my Dad as our greatest fan. Me I saw his disgust and frustration when I gave up a hit to an 8 hole hitter, when I walked a guy after being ahead 1-2. I saw his head drop when I flied out to end an inning or didn't pick a throw in the dirt. I never noticed him cheer a three strikeout inning, a double or a great play. In those moments I didn't need his validation I had it from so many others. It took a conversation 2 years after I quit playing for it to come to a head. He never really knew how I felt, he assumed I saw both sides. My advice is let him see you clap or just smile even if its half hearted after something goes wrong. after the game ask about school his girlfriend anything but the game, there is time for that the next morning. A simple comment like todays work makes our next outing a good one followed by a have a great day love ya will get the most out of him. You're a Dad, his Dad being there is worth a lot but always being supportive and a fan is worth more. Don't let him ever think you might not be all of those.  

Playerturnedcoach posted:

I have read several comments on her from other parents and they have given a ton of great advice. Please allow me to give mine from a slightly different angle, I was your son not all that long ago. My Dad was at every game, saw every pitch I threw, every at bat that I had, every grounder that I caught. Most of my teammates envied me for this, they saw my Dad as our greatest fan. Me I saw his disgust and frustration when I gave up a hit to an 8 hole hitter, when I walked a guy after being ahead 1-2. I saw his head drop when I flied out to end an inning or didn't pick a throw in the dirt. I never noticed him cheer a three strikeout inning, a double or a great play. In those moments I didn't need his validation I had it from so many others. It took a conversation 2 years after I quit playing for it to come to a head. He never really knew how I felt, he assumed I saw both sides. My advice is let him see you clap or just smile even if its half hearted after something goes wrong. after the game ask about school his girlfriend anything but the game, there is time for that the next morning. A simple comment like todays work makes our next outing a good one followed by a have a great day love ya will get the most out of him. You're a Dad, his Dad being there is worth a lot but always being supportive and a fan is worth more. Don't let him ever think you might not be all of those.  

PTC, this is a wonderfully poignant post filled with so much emotion and thoughts.  Just my perspective but your post should be pegged to the HSBBW.  Your views and experiences could be a benchmark for every parent, player and poster who visits this site. I wish I had the ability to do more than "like" your post and thoughts!

Playerturnedcoach posted:

I have read several comments on her from other parents and they have given a ton of great advice. Please allow me to give mine from a slightly different angle, I was your son not all that long ago. My Dad was at every game, saw every pitch I threw, every at bat that I had, every grounder that I caught. Most of my teammates envied me for this, they saw my Dad as our greatest fan. Me I saw his disgust and frustration when I gave up a hit to an 8 hole hitter, when I walked a guy after being ahead 1-2. I saw his head drop when I flied out to end an inning or didn't pick a throw in the dirt. I never noticed him cheer a three strikeout inning, a double or a great play. In those moments I didn't need his validation I had it from so many others. It took a conversation 2 years after I quit playing for it to come to a head. He never really knew how I felt, he assumed I saw both sides. My advice is let him see you clap or just smile even if its half hearted after something goes wrong. after the game ask about school his girlfriend anything but the game, there is time for that the next morning. A simple comment like todays work makes our next outing a good one followed by a have a great day love ya will get the most out of him. You're a Dad, his Dad being there is worth a lot but always being supportive and a fan is worth more. Don't let him ever think you might not be all of those.  

There could be many reasons for a father to act this way.  (Not smiling when things aren't going well.)  They could range from he is a big jerk, he is living through you, or it could be that he is so nervous because he knows what you are trying to accomplish.  It is so painful to see your kid struggle, and a good, loving father wants his kid to reach his goals/dreams.  Of course that doesn't mean that you don't give him positive reinforcement.

One other note:  there is a substantial difference between a look of disdain, and a sad face.

Hey, Roger Clemens was the same height and threw the same speed in HS.  I'm sure he had some bad outings.  Pitchers get a break when it comes to in game performance.  D1 and pro scouts care more about projectability and grades.