Do parents change?

Definitely think some parents change.  I know that I have.  I HAD TO!  I was at a point where it felt like Ryan was starting to tune me out, even though I am sure I was mostly right.  About the time he was 15, I decided to be the "good cop", and let the coaches be the "bad cop".  For the most part, I stopped giving him brutally honest takes on performances when he didn't have his best game, and instead, I tried to be encouraging.  At that time, he knew how he did, he didn't need to hear it from me.

I did talk to the HS Coach when an incident happened with another player, that I found quite disturbing.  Part of the issue was that I let all the "noise" from the other parents, and some of the players get to me.  I felt that it was imperative that something was said.  The other parents were stating their outrage with what happened, and that someone needed to do something.  Keep in mind that this incident did not happen to my son, but I took it upon myself to stick up for the kid.  BAD DECISION!  When the rubber hit the road, none of the other parents, including the parents of the kid involved, stepped up to the plate.  This put me in a precarious position, and could have been damaging to Ryan.  After that incident, I decided it would be best if I took a back seat, and minded my own business.  So glad that I did.  I stopped getting worked up, because I stopped listening to all the other parents, and their myriad of complaints.  Even though I loved the other kids, because most had grown up with Ryan, they were not my responsibility, and I could not control what was happening.  Control what you can control!

That is sad. I missed many of my younger sons games because of many conflicts with my older boy. My wife would go to the younger boys games and I to the older. 

She was the official score keeper for my younger sons games and so we could not swap. But I made every game I could attend. I do not care how BORING it was. Someday, god willing, I will have grand children and they will partake in some form of sports. Do I look forward to going to watch Tee Ball or coach pitch? For the sport itself No, but to watch another generation play, you bet. I hope to be able to attend concerts and other life events as well. Will they be boring, yes. Some of them will be downright painful I am sure, but I will still make an effort to be there. 

Are parents listed in the “101 uses for duct tape?”

From my perspective, the biggest change is how I now really understand how much work goes into being an elite athlete. When my kid was younger, he beat most of the competition because he was just gifted athletically. He was always average or small in size, but he had exceptional hand eye coordination and was very fast, so this made up for any size issues. I did worry that his lack of size may limit his opportunities. He had a growth spurt in 9th grade and shot up to 6’, despite dad being 5’9” and mom 5’5”. Once he reached college, everything I had heard about athletic ability being equal was proved true. EVERYONE was a great athlete and had enormous talent. 

The thing that I’ve seen other than work ethic that separates athletes is the injury bug. There is little you can do to prevent it. Then when it happens, it’s a mental war. This has been the biggest hurdle my son has faced to this point in time. He used to have that swagger and confidence that he was the absolute best player on the field. Right now, I don’t see that in him. He doubts himself. Then because you are injured, you lose yourself in the pecking order and have to “start over”. It’s a constant battle to prove yourself and it’s tough mentally when you see others getting what appears to be more chances, so then you press. Well we all know how that usually turns out. I’ve sort of run off the track with this post. So to get back on track, I think where I’ve changed the most is the realization of just how hard it is to get to the top and then stick once you are there. These guys put in so much work behind the scenes that very few outside of their family have any clue about. I find myself not even wanting people to ask how my son is doing because they just don’t get it. The looks on their face when I explain his typical day is almost comical. I don’t blame them. I had no idea before he got to this level, and I thought I was fairly educated with the process. 

I now just pray for health. It’s amazing how your view changes after a potentially career ending injury occurs. I was all caught up in the chase for velocity like everyone else.  No more. I just pray that he does his best and leaves the mound healthy and can take the ball his next turn. 

Some parents change IF THEY WANT TO, if they see the error of their ways.  Some parents never will, two words, LaVar Ball.

Absolutely.  I've seen many examples of parents changing their ways in a positive way over the last 15+ years.  Very few get worse.

Some of my favorite personal stories are from the baseball parenting experience.  I had the benefit of 3 kids playing high school baseball at two very different high schools (their choice), national and regional travel teams, rec ball, and Legion teams.   My oldest son's college baseball experience was a 180 degree change from his high school baseball experience.   My wife and I check the  county police blotter weekly for my oldest son's former high school teammates, classmates and their parents.  I'm not kidding.   Those are some of the folks that haven't changed. 

My personal favorite story of all time is my neighbor who set up a deer stand outside of the high school baseball field to watch his 8th grader try out for the high school team.  The head coach would not allow parents at tryouts so he took matters into his own hands and solved that problem.   He was dressed in camo, and had his binoculars with him.   After 4 days of sitting in a dear stand , he learned his son made the JV team.  He was thrilled.   Fast forward 20 years later, he has retired to Florida and taking it easy.   He's mellowed out quite a bit and fishes just about every day.

I know I changed!  I have three boys, senior in college (football) , freshman in college (baseball)  and a freshman in HS (hockey) .   I've progressively mellowed with each kid.  I still love going to my youngest sons games, actually I probably enjoy them even more- but I definitely don't get caught up in the drama.  You learn to take it for what it is, and sit back and enjoy the ride- at least I have.    It's funny, when I happen to catch a little league baseball game - the field is right next to our HS field, so I'll stop to watch an inning or two once in a while.  You watch these little guys and their parents and think back- this is what I used to get all worked up about????  LOL.    I

I coached my kids from age 5 to the point I turned them over to our High School coach (who we are very lucky to have). I learned a lot, having made MANY mistakes a long the way. I also benefitted from observing a local parent who seriously damaged his relationship with his son due to the pressure and demands he put on the kid. The player was a very talented young man but he stopped playing at 16 (he was D1 material) and now he and his dad barely speak. This really opened my eyes.

I was all in during the early years, teaching every aspect of the game. By the early teens I was mostly a sounding board. I went from teaching every little nuance, to only offering encouragement/advice/critiques if asked. I admit I miss being more involved, but we laugh a lot and enjoy talking baseball. Can't ask for more than that.  

I absolutely changed, thank goodness.  I was one of Dax's coaches until he was 11 or so and immediately after games it was "what happened on that ground ball?" or "why didn't you run there?', etc.  I read an article when he was 12 or 13 that really spoke to me about how much pressure the kids already feel - they don't need us to beat them up about it too.  I started giving a hug and telling him I had fun watching him play, regardless of the outcome.  I'd tell him we can talk baseball if you like or we don't have to, whenever you're ready.  It didn't change for him for a long time though because he held on to the conversations we used to have.  Eventually he got it.  We still hug after every game - sometimes they are happy hugs after an awesome performance and sometimes it's a consolation hug after disappointment but that's our way of saying I love you no matter what, this is just baseball.

I changed. I changed INTO a horrible sports parent when my oldest son was old enough to play soccer. I didn't realize it of course, it was gradual and since I had never played sports in my youth I didn't recognize it. Lots of examples along the way that should've made me see the error in my ways (like when he was cut from his 9 year old team partly, I believe, due to the coach's impression of me) but the "come to Jesus" moment was when, after he had not played well at a tournament (maybe 10 or 11u?) and he was in the car crying about it, I decided that would be a great time to yell at him about his lack of effort. I had an out of body experience and I was watching myself yelling at this poor little kid, and I wish I could say at that moment I stopped and saw the error of my ways. I did not. I did, however, the next day when I apologized to him and let him know that that would NEVER happen again. And it has not. His younger brother is of course the biggest beneficiary of the "New" me, he has never had to go through the shit that the first one did. Luckily I caught it before it permanently damaged our relationship or his love for baseball.

My oldest is going into his 3rd year of varsity ball and I have spoken to his coach maybe 3 times so far, ever. Nothing more than hellos. And the coach that cut him brought him back two years later, and he's still on his summer team. Parents can grow up, too.

My oldest son paid me an underhanded compliment when he told me his travel coach was an old school screamer and b@llbuster but it didn't bother him at all as he was tame compared to coach dad. I guess "the if it doesn't kill you it'll make you stronger" method worked.

oh my gosh...yes.

I learned a bad day, or weekend or month at u13 is not a career ender.

I learned that that the progression of practice time and skilled fundamentals is much more important then a 13th weekend in a row at XYZ tournament of champions

I learned let others complain about what they can't control

I learned how to communicate with a travel program coach without being intrusive or in the way.

I learned that there are only about 5 or 10% of the parents who have a solid understanding of any kind of big picture.

I learned the better the player is the more patient you can be with making choices.

there are thousands of lessons learned as parent if you pay attention.

23 seasons ago, I was a teenage kid umpiring my first LL game, a Minors game (the league split their Minors program into 8-9 "Minors" and 10-12 "International".) Since then, I have worked every level of baseball where parents are often in attendance, all the way to NCAA post-season. I have one observation on this...

I can't tell if the parents get better, or if the bad ones merely weed themselves and their kids out, but I would not go back to working kids' games even if they paid the same as the games I work now. 

Yes, I’ve changed a lot, I was a cheerer..... I cheered for everyone on every play. Once the game starts I move away from the other parents and quietly cheer and talk to myself like a madman, but most don’t know. 

TPM , I haven't changed a bit , have I ?

Matt13 posted:

23 seasons ago, I was a teenage kid umpiring my first LL game, a Minors game (the league split their Minors program into 8-9 "Minors" and 10-12 "International".) Since then, I have worked every level of baseball where parents are often in attendance, all the way to NCAA post-season. I have one observation on this...

I can't tell if the parents get better, or if the bad ones merely weed themselves and their kids out, but I would not go back to working kids' games even if they paid the same as the games I work now. 

Do you think it’s because as kids get older the parents have a better grasp of where their talent fits into the game? I saw a lot more delusion in parents of prepubescent kids. By high school the parents seem to understand the pecking order of talent and future potential. This does not mean there aren’t some crazy parents in high school.

Definitely changed over the years. Just hope my oldest son does not hold a grudge when he sees how different I am with his little brother. 

I look back and feel bad that my 2017 oldest son had to be the guinea pig for this. I have always been a competitive person from sports to career in a very competitive area of finance and probably carried to much competitive anxiety when he would have to compete.  I'm glad I didn't ruin it for him and he made it through to play in college and have a good and round about freshman fall ball season going from recruited at 3b to 3b/ss to 3b/ss/of to 3b/ss/of/rhp.

It is so much easier now with my 2020 son and 9yo softball daughter as I don't all of what is coming but I know alot and I know how to filter out a lot of other parent anxiety and bs that happens in youth sports. It is so much easier to be efficient with what they need to do to improve and know when to help them. I can sit at their games now with my headphones on, watch them play, and zone out. Good or bad outcomes don't bother me anymore as I know they have so much time to get better and at this age they can overcome. Yes, even my 2020 has a lot of time.

Its funny to see parents who have their oldest kid as old as my younger kids get charged up at these sporting events and worried that their kids need to be doing everything top notch right now to progress to a higher level. It took me a while to get here but I am trying very hard to enjoy every bit of the now. The past went way too fast. This should be fun for both child and parent and not a job for either. It is great to have an understanding of how to help my kids progress, get better, what matters in getting to the next level, and not be worried about what I can't control at all.

The MOST important is I am enjoying every minute of the whole family being back together in the same house for the last week and until early January.

Change? Yes....thank God.

I made a lot of mistakes, some of the responses have really hit home.

Change for me occurred as soon as it was evident at age 15 that he understood and implemented what it was going to take to achieve his baseball goals. Only time he will ever hear from me is if there is a perceived lack of effort. Hasn't happened yet.

Its funny how I used to have to drag him to the field for extra work, now he's dragging me 5 days a week.

Wouldn't change it for the world.

I changed when my wife commented to me on the drive home from one our son's early travel games, "I'm sure he feels bad enough without you questioning him in detail about it."  After that I let the coach handle it.   It wasn't easy, but I did muddle through.  She was right.   By HS I was enjoying the games much better.   There were things that still bothered me, but I became much less vocal about it and only talked to our son about it if he mentioned it.

RJM posted:

Matt13 posted:

23 seasons ago, I was a teenage kid umpiring my first LL game, a Minors game (the league split their Minors program into 8-9 "Minors" and 10-12 "International".) Since then, I have worked every level of baseball where parents are often in attendance, all the way to NCAA post-season. I have one observation on this...

I can't tell if the parents get better, or if the bad ones merely weed themselves and their kids out, but I would not go back to working kids' games even if they paid the same as the games I work now. 

Do you think it’s because as kids get older the parents have a better grasp of where their talent fits into the game? I saw a lot more delusion in parents of prepubescent kids. By high school the parents seem to understand the pecking order of talent and future potential. This does not mean there aren’t some crazy parents in high school.

I think there are four things:

1. What you mentioned. Parents mature a bit and understand their roles.

2. Parents don't mellow out, and coaches in HS and college take players of equivalent talent that don't come with that baggage.

3. Kids of these parents don't develop to their full potential because they have conflicting inputs and end up washing out.

4. Parents suck a lot of the fun out of baseball, and their kids simply stop playing.

Most who care....change. Very simple. If you're not changing, you are losing.

I understand it takes more skill to recognize if 90mph pitch is a strike, BUT 6u-12u should be paid more for dealing with the 20 outspoken parents, rather than the occasional nutball at 14u-18u.

I was at third grade boys basketball game today where the parents were so scary I would classify them as a mob.  Same problem different sport.  3rd grade does not follow NBA rules and 7u does not follow MLB rules. I wish parents would understand that.