Expectations....

Having been thru it many times I offer this simple, advice----sit back and go with the flow---sometimes we make too much of the entire situation and tend to stress to much, especially you moms

It will all work out

I will focus on the " it will all work out " part from your response and not the, " especially you mom's " part.

I was attempting to try and start a zen-like philisophical conversation,..........

Trying to start a Zen-like philosophical conversation?

Car 44...where are you?

TRHit the nail on the head! Go with the flow.

Our dads are just as much into the drama as the moms! Maybe in a different way, but just as much!

But anyway, yes, I for one certainly believe that the emotional roller coaster is tough to handle at times, but it's hard to turn it down.

Yes, I think we can have hopes, dreams, and goals, but the key, to me, is to match those with realistic expectations. What is realistic is hard to define! Is my boy as good as I think he is? Probably not but when I hear a pro scout, there to look at older players, tell my little 8th grader, "son, you're going to go a long way with that swing," wow. That feels pretty good! I hope that scout remembers my son in four years, but I don't think I can expect him to.

I think about all we can expect is for our boys, as long as they love the game, to work hard and do their best, and we can expect ourselves to do everything we can to help them reach their hopes, dreams, and goals. How's that for philosophical?

shortstopmom,
One of the great things that occured for me when our son went to college was the transition from the goals and hopes being "ours" to being "his."
When they are away and we don't watch every game, talk with them everyday, and we can recognize their independence, it becomes so much easier to appreciate they are strongly motivated and driven.
Through that process, our son was able to identify and focus on what were his "goals and dreams," not the ones I had for him. As he did that, I realized my role was support him in his effort and not replace, impinge on it, or stifle it, with my views for him.
While I tend to agree it will all "work out," I would temper that with the cautions that he needs to work very hard at baseball and the recruiting process. He also needs talent and the realization of the need and effort to improve that talent. Having things "work out" within the new NCAA academic guidelines/transfer rules is less forgiving that in the past.
From the time our son first stepped onto a college baseball field, the goals and dreams about baseball came from him. We supported them enthusiastically. But he kept them as his goals. If you can separate his goals from "our" goals, and recognize your role as supporting and perhaps guiding those, not creating, replacing or altering them, the process can be much more emotionally rewarding as opposed to frustrating. At least that was my experience.

Yes...go with the flow.

Well put, infielddad!

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Right here Boss!

Short term wins come and go...sometimes you lose and perform well...sometimes you perform badly and win...that's the reality...

Control and work hard at those things that you DO have control over...attitude, effort, work ethic, preparation, playing every situation, every ball to the best of your ability...that is where you put your energy..If you can do that you will succeeed long term...

If you can Truly walk off ever day saying that you prepared well, that your attitude, your effort were at your best, that you competed every situation to the best of your ability...you can walk away a winner every time...

And let go of the stuff you have no dominion over,...peoples opinions, attitudes, larger events beyond your control...

For parents agree with above...it has to become their dream...not yours...your role is to facilitate not dramatize...

Ooohhmm!

44
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Some people say I am responsible for the effort, the outcome will take care of itself. But baseball itself, and the recruiting process is absolutely outcome oriented.
I am very adept at advising others about how to stay calm during the trials they endure with their children, but throw mine in the mix and my stomache tightens and my ability to follow my own advice flies out the window. Who knows the precise amount of cajoling necessary to get the "right school" to notice your player, or the precise amount of cajoling to convince your player he has to market himself to that school. If their was a fool proof recipe, most of us would follow it, but I haven't found it.

I have decided to bask in the good days, fight through the tough days and continually tell my son how much I love hime.

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Greatly value the love part...

Beyond that...have seen player go 0 for the event and get great offers...have seen kids strike out 6 top flight players and get nothing...there are so many things that go into the process, what schools need, what the coaches value, how they project...you can make yourself nuts...DON'T. Control what you can, trust process...as TR said go with the flow.

Beyond that...it is far to easy to think that every fit is, and has to be perfect...there is seldom a perfect fit...it is a all a package of what you value and how much of that a certain school sees it the same way.

Our perfect fit was Stanford....problem was in the end they didn't see it that way, which left us with other options, some better than others. Some of our oher top options had no interest. In the end it is all a delicate balance. You will not "Make" the perfect school suddenly wake up and recruit your son. Either they see something or they don't. They may be kind and talk to you and have NO interest. They may have interest that you don't know. You may suddenly be taken on by a school that you had never thought about, which you realize is actually a pretty good fit for reasons you had never cosnidered. I know that is hard for those of us who are control freaks, but this is a very dynamic situation, one that you must roll with.

And I don't think I am going too far out in saying that even your best chocie, and you best fit will not be exactly what you thought it was going to be. Coaches change, players transfer in, the reality does not always meet the plan...gonna have to roll with that as well...

Go with the flow...Enjoy the ride!

44
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Good question and good answers thus far.

quote:

Been reading many posts recently

To me, this is where the expectations are coming from. People see announcements here almost everyday and I am guessing transpose those situations onto themselves. I think the hsbbweb is a fine tool but I am glad I was unaware of it until after my son signed. Sure I was naive but I wouldn't do anything differently. I never worried about things like the Clearinghouse or signing an NLI until the coach in question said they were required. I never wondered why some other kid signed and mine had not. I never worried how much some other kid got. The only thing that mattered was that he get to play at the next level beyond high school - and that meant any level of college ball.

I believe parents have seen enough baseball to know whether or not their player has some modicum of ability. All it takes imho is decent talent for the game and not necessarily overwhelming talent. The only trick is to try and match that talent to something your son is happy with. I don't believe you need anyone elses opinion to determine this. Listen to your heart and you will know.

I have found that expectations are relative. When your son makes his announcement, it will be euphoric. That basically is an announcement that he has been selected from a pool of other incoming freshman which is an important step obviously. When he gets there, your expectations will change to playing time. This is when true stress is often encountered - at least in my experience. Trying to beat out a kid who is 21 or 22 and is likely much stronger and has several years of summer ball and college experience behind them is a challenge. This is where I was most naive and had the most to learn. Wouldn't change a thing but have learned stress is created and comes from within. My son has learned to be much more adept at handling it than me and for that I am most grateful.

You're getting excellent advice here shortstopmom...the Metamucil, of course, doesn't count.

2Bmom offers this gem...

Yes, I think we can have hopes, dreams, and goals, but the key, to me, is to match those with realistic expectations. What is realistic is hard to define!



infielddad is on the money with this...

I realized my role was support him in his effort and not replace, impinge on it, or stifle it, with my views for him.
While I tend to agree it will all "work out," I would temper that with the cautions that he needs to work very hard at baseball and the recruiting process. He also needs talent and the realization of the need and effort to improve that talent.



And 44...all on the mark...as always...I especially liked this...

And let go of the stuff you have no dominion over,...peoples opinions, attitudes, larger events beyond your control...

To let go, as 44 suggests, is very difficult to do.



Work hard, work honestly, work intelligently, relax and go with the flow, and be as realistic as you possibly can...and you're good at that shortstopmom...and everything should work out fine.

We all have hopes dreams and expectations for our children. Sometimes they are the same hopes and dreams our kids have and sometimes they are not. I had a dream for my oldest son. Go to college , play football in college and get a good job and be happy. He did not see it that way. He went to college because I had always told him that was what he was supposed to do. He played football because he wanted to. To my dismay he quit school , quit football and told me it was my dream for him but not his dream. It took me awhile to understand what was going on. It hurt me deep down inside. But now he has found something that he truly loves to do. He is going to be a sheriff deputy. He is happy. So now my dream has changed and with that my expectations. Now my dream is for him to be a great deputy. But more importantly for him to be happy. I have learned that no matter how bad we want something for our kids the most important thing is that they want it first. Then we can simply help them and support them in their efforts to achieve the dreams that THEY want. JMHO

Every good parent hopes for the best for their child. I want my children to be happy and successful in their lives. I can guide them to a point. But eventually their goals and motivations has to come from within themselves. I can see talent in my kids and hope they become college athletes. But they have to want it. I can't want it for them. I can only tell them it's within their reach and help them get there. The first one made it. The second one is entering high school and has the athletic potential.

My oldest is a girl. She knows the party is over after three more years of college eligibility. I don't have any professional dreams for my son. The odds are so long. If he turns out to be good enough to have the option I can only advise him. It's his decision.

Parents have commented I don't get very excited at my kid's sporting events. I get excited inside. But I don't live through them. I only live for them. They have to live their own dreams, not my dreams. I've had my chance. I still have my own dreams. But, it's their turn. I will never be upset if my kids fail at their dreams. I will always be pulling for them. I will only be upset if they stop having dreams to reach for.

quote:

When he gets there, your expectations will change to playing time. This is when true stress is often encountered - at least in my experience. Trying to beat out a kid who is 21 or 22 and is likely much stronger and has several years of summer ball and college experience behind them is a challenge. This is where I was most naive and had the most to learn. Wouldn't change a thing but have learned stress is created and comes from within. My son has learned to be much more adept at handling it than me and for that I am most grateful.

A very important observation................

That you can only appreciate if you have actually been through the process.

Perhaps I am made up differently but I never went thru this sort of anxiety and stress during the process.

As parents we often make the mistake of thinking we can fix things that aren't working. The older they get, the more the Real World impacts our children, the less 'power' we have. Perhaps this is the point at which expectations need to be abandoned in favor of unconditional love and support.

We know how wonderful our children are, how hard they work. Oddly enough, other people's children are wonderful and work hard, too. With regard to baseball, our sons have to do the work and have the desire to find their place.

The darn thing is, luck has a lot to do with the entire process. The schools your son is interested in aren't there when he throws the no-no, hits the triple off the sure first-rounder, turns three DPs in a game. Or they signed a stellar catcher last year. Fortunately, the reverse can also happen.

HS ball can be drawn from a lot of different pools of players; there are more chances to be a star. But when they get to college, everbody was a star. And those Jr & Sr stars are now men.

CD is right, expectations change to PT when your son enters college. Your son is good, all he needs is his chance, right? "It's only fair." His chance is in the coaching he accepts,and the work at practice. PT has to be earned. And you have the dichotomy --- if he's good enough out of hs to replace the incumbent, why hasn't the coaching at that school been good enough to improve the current position holder over an incoming freshman? Do you want your son at a school that doesn't build better players? Hmmmmm

I also believe that this board has to be read carefully. Out of context, it's easy here to believe the baseball world is full of young men who will progress easily to varsity, to D1's, then on to the pro's. Why shouldn't yours?

Like that part of our relationship with our son, this site is here for support and advice. It's not a triptik!

quote:

Perhaps this is the point at which expectations need to be abandoned in favor of unconditional love and support.

quote:

Originally posted by TRhit:
Perhaps I am made up differently but I never went thru this sort of anxiety and stress during the process.

Me neither with my oldest. I figured skilled people with an unbiased opinion would make a decision as to what level of ball (softball) she was capable of playing with their offers. With my youngest my only concerns are steering him through the daddyball that exists all the way through Legion ball in our town. But when he takes the field, it's up to him to perform. I can only root for him.

Once they go off to college and hit the real world they find out a harsh reality of life ... it isn't always fair. They have to learn how to deal with it or it will beat them down.

There are two kinds of events in life. The controllable and uncontrollable. It's important to learn how and to control the controllable to the best of a person's ability. It's just as important to learn how to deal with the uncontrollable, get over it and move on. There is a third element. Learning what percentage that is perceived to be uncontrollable that is actually controllable.

I recruited and coached student-athletes who had tremendous amounts of self motivation. I also recruited student-athletes whose parents had more athletic (and sometimes academic) motivation than the athletes themselves did.

I have seen parents bring their children into our college facilities and make them work on fundamentals, on conditioning, etc., some in baseball, others in various other sports.

Based on those experiences, when my kids were growing up I decided that I was only going to play/practice sports with them when they approached me and asked me. I was not ever going to tell them that they should spend more time practicing, that they should take BP, etc., etc.

The result was that both of my children always played the sports that they wanted to play, they earned their success, they accomplished their own goals. My role was that I was their dad, and I loved them whether they played or not, whether they won or lost, whether they decided to stop playing or keep playing.

And they know that my love for them has nothing to do with anything they ever did on the practice or playing fields., etc. They both compete and play hard on the field, are great teammates and leaders, and have tremendous self confidence.

When it came time that they were being recruited, they were more than capable of making their own decisions, and they knew that I would support whatever they wanted to do. I didn't lose any sleep over the process, nor did I need to.

My expectations for them have nothing to do with how they measure themselves. It is not my face that they see when they look into the mirror!!

CD writes:

quote:

quote:
Been reading many posts recently


To me, this is where the expectations are coming from. People see announcements here almost everyday and I am guessing transpose those situations onto themselves. I think the hsbbweb is a fine tool but I am glad I was unaware of it until after my son signed. Sure I was naive but I wouldn't do anything differently. I never worried about things like the Clearinghouse or signing an NLI until the coach in question said they were required. I never wondered why some other kid signed and mine had not. I never worried how much some other kid got. The only thing that mattered was that he get to play at the next level beyond high school - and that meant any level of college ball.

**************
CD, I couldn't agree more, and our experience sounds identical to yours. As a matter of fact, I didn't find the HSBB site until a couple of weeks AFTER my son signed his NLI. The more I read on this sight, as valuable as much of the info is...I truly think "ignorance CAN be bliss". Now "ignorance" does not necessarily mean "being unintelligent" about the process either...but it can be done utilizing plain old common sense. Looking back on it, navigating the process on our own (including a web search which ultimately yielded the HSBB site for us!), had it's benefits...it sometimes seems the more you are aware of, both the necessary and the superfluous info...the more stressed you can become.

So in retrospect and having been there/done that...TR gives good advice...sit back and enjoy the ride....however I would add the caveat, keep your hands on the wheel to steer in the right direction.

Be Humble! Whatever your expectations are keep them within the family circle. Dare to dream big but keep them private. As parents make the goals realistic. Temper the expectations with a little reality.

Trust me, something bad is going to happen, how you have prepared your child will be important when these storms blow through. Things are never as good or bad as they seem at the moment. Give every thing a day to settle. Hug them every day. Smile and have some fun, it is just life.

quote:

Originally posted by deldad:
Trust me, something bad is going to happen...

What on earth are you talking about deldad?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPwefrseIFg

quote:

Originally posted by deldad:
Be Humble! Whatever your expectations are keep them within the family circle. Dare to dream big but keep them private. As parents make the goals realistic. Temper the expectations with a little reality.

Trust me, something bad is going to happen, how you have prepared your child will be important when these storms blow through. Things are never as good or bad as they seem at the moment. Give every thing a day to settle. Hug them every day. Smile and have some fun, it is just life.

The shortened form of the "Desiderata"! I love it!!

Max Ehrmann


Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.


Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.


Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.


Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.


You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.


Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.


With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.


Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

Had never read this before thanks for the reference Play baseball.

quote:

it can be done utilizing plain old common sense.

Waaaiiitt a minute, play baseball. Recognition of the Desiderata? Segar? Traffic? Is our right-wing woodster married to a.....flower child?

Orlando


Watch that stuff !

Dont know about GotWood but I am married to a flower child and I am quite proud of it

.
If you do the big "D" you have to reference If...

IF...

IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,

Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,

if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,

Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

- Kipling


The template for every young man, IMO.


44
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"Pass the petunias please dear."

Far out. We're home, Toto!

I predict that the Cubs and Yankees will win by identical 5-3 scores.

I can tell you from my recent, and very enjoyable, meeting with play baseball ... that is a very realistic picture of her! (Except her hair has a bit more red than blonde.)

Julie

Really Mom?

She was dressed like that?

I can't tell you how many times I've had to tell her not to go barefoot!

You could get a nasty cut...not good...not good at all.

Heaven knows what rusty old thing you're liable to step on up there in Minnesota...

MN-Mom--