ump6132:
No airport problems? You and Mayor Daley have that troublesome nuisance all figured out...
You solved your problem with a fistful of these titanium beauties... 
And Mayor Daley solved his problem with a squadron of these... 
Scotch and an icy driveway...hmmm? Let me try and guess the
particulars of your situation...
You had guests over for dinner. Lamb shank and couscous. Delicious. But it was getting late...too late. After several subtle hints failed to get your guests any closer to the door you then suggested that they stay a little longer and enjoy another look at the pictures of your vacation to the
Corn Palace in Mitchell, SD. Such a magnificent structure...surely worthy of another long look. But no...they decided Mitchell's glorious gift to Midwest summer road trips would have to be twice admired on some other evening. "By Jiminy It Worked!" screeched the headline wrapped around your mind.
"Golly" they announced they had to run...something urgent they had to do early the next morning. You thought they said something about "untwisting their twist ties", but that couldn't be right...could it? After fetching them their coats you ushered them quickly to the door and upon opening it you discovered that the weather, while all of you were gnawing away on lamb shanks, had taken a turn for the worse. The path to their car, parked down the drive, was treacherous...a solid sheet of gleaming ice. Your guests slowed and came to a stop. Here they were...trapped between the
Corn Palace and all of its glory and a half inch of ice. A solution to this stand-off was needed...fast!
You, being the responsible sort that you are, would not let your worrisome guests make the slippery trek towards their car before you had made a diligent effort to make their passage safe. But how to make it safe? There must be a way you quizzed yourself.
You knew you didn't have any de-icing salt so you grabbed the next best thing...Scotch of course! According to your quick calculations two bottles should do the trick. A glance into your liquor cabinet revealed your solution was at hand. You grabbed two bottles of Scotch.
Next you journeyed out of the front door ...carefully pouring a narrow swath of the
Teachers Scotch along the edge of the drive towards your guest's
Chrysler Sebring. As much as you really liked your guests, you certainly weren't going to use your
Chivas Regal just to get them to their ice encrusted
Sebring.
You made it about half way before the first bottle ran out. You gently laid it aside and continued on towards the glittering
Sebring.
The second bottle barely made it to the car, but you were sure that everything was adequate...you being the responsible sort.
You were encouraged as you walked carefully back towards the front door...the
Teachers was actually doing what you had hoped it would do...get your guests out of your house!
About halfway back to the front door, as you were admiring your handiwork you gazed up to make sure you were still on course to meet the door when suddenly your feet went out from under you and you went flying, all akimbo, into the Goshen stone planter along the drive.
Your ankle hurt...bad. What the heck! How did this happen? You tried to bring yourself up by grabbing the yews in the planter with your one hand while you still clutched the empty bottle of
Teachers in the other. And then you realized what had happened.
You had one empty in your hand and the other empty, the one you so carefully laid aside, was laying prone on the swath of
Teachers. It had your footprint on it.
So off to Lutheran General you go in that
Sebring. Your guests were fussing all over you. Their breath strong with lamb. It was cold...you were uncomfortable. And your ankle was scolding you..."watch where you step next time big boy!"
You're thinking you really got screwed on this deal, but when it comes to being screwed you hadn't seen anything yet!
And I'm assuming that Steve injured his ankle similarly...it being icy and all. I'm guessing his nemesis was a
Diet Sprite bottle instead of
Teachers.
Thank GOD this didn’t happen 6 to 8 weeks ago… HS batting averages this spring would have dropped significantly. 
