God Given Parental Handbook needed

C-9, Welcome to that wonderful world of parenting. What you describe is normal day to day life in parent vs. teenager. How you handle it is up to you. I can tell you how I tried to handle it --- First of all there has to be consequences. I think consequences need to be defined ahead of time in a man to man meeting with you being the chairperson of this meeting. Call it a warning if you choose but if a child is not aware of impending consequences then how can we fault them for doing whatever they choose to do?
On the automobile --- I typed out a “vehicle contract” and he and I both signed it. It covered alcohol, drugs, accidents, speeding, failure to wear seatbelt, number of occupants, loaning out the car, and maintenance etc. I basically agreed to provide him with a vehicle and operating expenses if he complied with the contract. We both signed it and it stayed in the vehicle at all times. As a parent you are the one that actually selects the consequences but surprisingly my son also made suggestions as to what the consequences should be. He assigned some stiff penalties for himself if he disobeyed the rules. I can’t remember the penalties but I do know loss of vehicle for specific periods of time was one of the consequences. I think I took his truck for a two weeks period at one time. You could assign hours of operation or whatever you choose. We parents are in charge. If you look at today’s youth it’s obvious we parents give them lots of “things” they don’t “need”. Cell phones, cars, video games Ipods, sporting equipment, designer clothes (yes AE and Old Navy are designer clothes). While we may not be able to carefully guide them to do as we ask, surely we can control their way of life by removing some of the comforts and conveniences we provide. For instance if you throw away his dip he will buy another can --- but if he dips and you throw away his cell phone you hit a nerve. We need to get tough but at the same time we shouldn’t struggle with putting pressure on our children for the sake of their well being and safety. Get tough (not angry) and stay firm.
We parents have to make some adjustments too. Our sweet little innocent child is growing into a human being with strengths and weaknesses and FAULTS. Our children will NOT grow up to be perfect. Rememeber those terrible rose colored glasses can be worn anytime we look at our children --- not just on the baseball field. We have to accept something less than perfect. ---
Fungo

Thanks Fungo.

The cool part of this story is my son and I communicate well and I think that is due to baseball and how close we have become because of travel, the ups and downs and everything in between. He is spreading his wings a bit and I don’t want to over or under react.

Interesting point that rose colored glasses doesn’t only apply to the baseball field. That’s why I took a personal situation and posted it here. Parents keep your eyes wide open even before your child gets to be 16, 18 or whatever and KEEP THEM PLAYING BALL

What do teenagers do who have nothing else but go to school and come home – that to me is a scary thought.

I asked both of my kids once if they wanted to buy drugs would they know how to do it – both laughed and said it is easy……they were in middle school at the time.

Most of our posters are parents and I encourage you to keep the lines of communication open. There are rights and wrongs and I know my son knows what they are – he is being a little stupid now and the axe will fall. In his defense, he has told me of what the average to below average HS student is doing and that is scary! No excuse, just scary!

We had a kid at a rival HS that was an easy D1 quarterback that was killed in an accident at 4AM coming from a party. Had it all, ability, grades, looks, personality.

Keep a vigilant eye out my friends and convince “the stud” that if you make wrong choices bad things can/will happen

Im off my soap box now – still want to kill my son for being stupid but that’s a post for another time

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Our sweet little innocent child is growing into a human being with strengths and weaknesses and FAULTS.

Oftentimes the biggest lessons we learn are through making mistakes and poor choices. Sometimes, that's something small like our kids thinking they didn't need to study for a "big" test. Sometimes, it's something that could have harmed them or someone else. As parents, we have to hope that we've raised them to make the best of choices.... but in reality they're going to go outside that box. I think they have to always know that we love them - even if they mess up. I also agree with Fungo that they have to have consequences which are consistent and shouldn't come as a surprise to them. Being involved, present, and caring enough to deal those consequences, help to direct our young folks into their future. Catch - you and your wife are those kinds of parents and doing a fine job!

Excellent post. Could have written the same story myself. And it is a good warning. I can't tell you how many times we've heard parents say that their little darling would "never do anything like that" when we know that their little darling was with our little darling the wekk before doing "anything like that."

Catcher09,..you are honest, you are informed, you are loving, and you are aware.
You are not burrying your head in the sand hoping an issue will go away.

That's being on the right parental track, IMHO.
I think its ok to tell your son you want to ring his neck.
I certainly tell mine that, and do so often!

But I also tell them why.
Why is because I worry.
Why is because I want the best for them.
Why is because if they arent making the best decisions I am here to guide them.
Why is becasue I love them like no other.

Keep your eyes and ears open. Watch closely. Talk, talk, and more talk, til you are blue in the face. ( they might remember 10% of what we say, but never the less they will hear us. )

Hug your son.
and at the same time, tell him you WILL ring his neck and you WILL be on his butt if he decides to not listen to his gutt instincts and make the right decisions. Remind him of what you have taught him,..say it a bazillion times if need be.

In parental terms,..that means ya love him.

I have a feeling he already knows that!

As Fungo states, welcome to the world of parenting, this phase, high school!

DK was not my first to go through the HS years, so we were well prepared.

Fungo has given great advice. It's important to set limits and discuss consequences and let them know that they are not invincible. And always let them know you are MUCH smarter than they are.

Teens have a way of thinking that nothing can ever happen to them. We all know, this is not true. Teens need their space and have to learn what is right from wrong, essentially on their own. The more limits we impose, the further they will try to defy them, I learned that from my daughter.

Baseball kept my son focused while his friends who didn't play found trouble. Even some of his friends who played who found trouble in HS, found it in college too. Dk also worked in HS, making or delivering pizzas when not on the field. He liked hanging out more at the local pizza shop than somewhere else and that was fine with us. Not only did it give him reponsibility, but he learned about making money and how to budget it. He didn't have to work, he liked it.

I often hear parents say that their children wouldn't do this or that, and beleiveing that is wearing the rose colored glasses because some things that occur in the HS years are unfortunetly just a part of growing up.
My daughter was the terror and because she was female she had more restrictions and she hated that. She drove us crazy while in HS. She is now 30 and has a job with HUGE responsibility and just starting her own business. It amazes me because she worried me that she would go in the wrong direction. While I never had to really get on DK, I also know things went on, but he always seemed to make the right choices and he was very honest about where he went and with who. The more we let him make his own choices, the less we had to worry about him.

I often found that his friends that got in the most trouble had parents who were always there to get them out of trouble with no consequences. The one thing we always instilled in him, was that any mistake he made while growing up, may follow him and affect his future, not ours.

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any mistake he made while growing up, may follow him and affect his future, not ours.

Classic way of saying it - that will be used

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Hug your son.
and at the same time, tell him you WILL ring his neck and you WILL be on his butt if he decides to not listen to his gutt instincts and make the right decisions. Remind him of what you have taught him,..say it a bazillion times if need be.

In parental terms,..that means ya love him

So true my friend

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Originally posted by shortstopmom:

I think its ok to tell your son you want to ring his neck.
I certainly tell mine that, and do so often!

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Originally posted by catcher09:

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any mistake he made while growing up, may follow him and affect his future, not ours.

Classic way of saying it - that will be used

My son was at a party at someone's house while the parents were out of town. There was alcohol but he was not drinking it. The police were called and we had to take him home from the party. It was at the same time the Duke Lacross incident was just hitting the news. That was an excellent opportunity to discuss behavior and consequences, as well as guilt by association.

I have two sons who are no angels but have learnt very valuable lessons in what they have done, and as a consquence, are turning out to be sensible, decent, nice people. I have found that the key to parenting teenagers is to talk, talk, talk and leave all lines of communications open at all times, as shortstopmom says, and keep them busy. Listen to what they have to say and don't jump down their throats whatever you hear! It is a very difficult time for all but they need to know that you are listening and that you care and they need your advice, although they pretend they don't! Good luck!

Wow Catch! My boy and yours sound like the same kid. Both catchers, both 16, both honor students, both just got license a few months ago, both with big baseball dreams, and Yup I caught mine drinking last week!

He comes home with a little slur, I said "Let's go hit" (We have a setup in the basement for tee work & soft toss) I call upstairs to mom that I want her to look a his swing. So we go downstairs, I sit on the bucket & he is taking some warm up swings. Mom walks in sits on another bucket and says "What"? I say "I'm seeing something in his swing I wanna know if you see it too". First toss...Whiff, 2nd toss...Whiff, 3rd toss barely niks it. I look over and say to mom, "Do you see it"? She says, "Yep, pretty obvious to me" So we adjourn from the soft toss session and have a seat. I say "you can hit soft toss ball on the screws 99% of the time but now you can't touch it, what's the problem?" He confesses and I ask the usual questions, Who, what, why, where, how etc.. The interested thing about the situation is that he had a sober friend drive his car home and was followed by another friend to pick up the sober friend. For reasons I don't need to go into, I know that the friend that drove him home was indeed sober. I send him to bed and tell him that I will render his punishment tommorrow. Tommorrow comes and I ask "what do you think your punishment should be?" He says, not much because he didn't drive and was responsible. NICE TRY! GOOD CUT! I explain to him, 1st he broke the law, 2nd he broke my rule, your not allowed to drink, period! I explain to him AGAIN all the reasons why he shouldn't get involved with drinking. Kind of a slippery slope there since Mom and I both enjoy some nice cold beers now and again, but I think I navigated it well enough. Anyway, I grounded him for 5 days through the weekend. The punishment was insignificant in the matter but I felt I needed to do something. What's more important is that he was safe from harm, we had an opportunity to stress the dangers of drinking in a realtime situation, and he was also able to clearly see first hand how badly drinking impairs you mentally and physically (Toss...Whiff).

Mom and I knew this day was coming, it was just a matter of when. It actually came a little later than we thought(We were teenagers once too ya know). We give our kids a lot freedom as long as they earn it, however we are extremely vigilent. We do our best to always know who they are with, where they are, and what they are doing. When they get home from somewhere we talk talk talk. Was so & so there? Did you have fun? Were there any pretty girls? etc... Recently we wouldn't let our 13yr old spend the night at a friends house that we think is of questionable character. Our 13yr old says to MOM(he is mad), "Why do you have to care so much"? NOW THAT, MY HSBBW FRIENDS IS A WELL DISGUISED COMPLIMENT!
Our boys are not angels and we don't really want angels, we want them to push the envelope, have fun, take risk, they are going to get into some trouble now and then and learn to deal with the consequences.
My wife and I have some tough years ahead with 3 boys 10,13,& 16 we want them to have fun, but we also have to keep them safe. I really don't have the answers to the perfect balance of freedom/fun/safety/life experience etc... I do believe that parents that take the path of least resistence are more susceptible to trouble ahead.
ONE FOOT OFF THE SOAP BOX
All three of our boys travel playing baseball. My wife and I have no life in the summer outside of our boys baseball. We do not push our boys to do it, they want to do it! We tried to talk the younger boys into playing rec ball for one more year. NO WAY! was the response. My wife and I love baseball, now baseball is loving us back. It is giving us the opportuniy to keep are boys constructively occupied while doing something they really enjoy. It's like a third parent. Thanks baseball!!! And ya know, baseball has helped tremendously in keeping us a close family. They play, we talk, we practice, sleepovers, hotels, travel we are all in it together.
OK, I'M OFF IT

Where you going? Who's Gonna be there? Will the parents be there? Check in at 10:00!
Interpretation: WE LOVE YOU VERY VERY MUCH!!!

So there is my partial take on the thing.

Now I'm off to watch Cosby re-runs, maybe that will help

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Now I'm off to watch Cosby re-runs, maybe that will help

Maybe you will see one where Bill Cosby says: "I brought you into this world and I can take you out".

I think sometimes we make too much of things---the boy was smart enough not to drive home--- thats 10 points on the 10 point scale---as a parent you cannot ask more than that--at least he had his wits about him and could make the decision

I have 5 kids of my own and been involved with two stepchildren---you need to let them run until the leash chokes them--- and in most times it won't---they will see the light before the leash gets tight


We even had an agreement if you are going to be home at 1:00 Am and it isnt going to happen call home----we never failed to get a call and I can tell you I usually let them stay the additional time--they were fine

Using Cosby makes me wonder-- didnt he recently ,make a $$$$$ settlement for sexual abuse?

TRSpock --- I disagree with you. Underage drinking is a HUGE problem.

Wish there was a parental handbook and raising a teenager was as easy as looking up the problem and finding the answer! The drinking issue is always present as most will experience some event with alcohol at some point in their young adult lives, whether it be in high school or college.

I struggle with the parent who has the tendancy to declare that their child does not drink and that so and so does, when in fact the only difference is that so and so's parents are aware of the situation. Don't take it that I promote drinking --that is not my point. To me, the kid who drinks and goes to lengths to hide it by lying and deceiving is as unbecoming as the kid who may drink on occasion and own up to it. I think that it is most important to always maintain an open door with your child, no matter what the undesirous action is, and therein lies the balance of punishment. I also feel that the adolescent years are to be more forgiving of indiscretions than when you are 40 and know better. Good luck to us all in these parenting endeavors!

HSBBW site is awesome isn’t it.

It is weird that I view him driving as almost the same as when he 1st learned to walk. You don’t always want to be negative and say NO, NO, NO to everything he does because he has to learn on his own (with guidance).

He and I just had a talk and I explained very calmly that I'm proud of him and I'm trying to give him as much freedom as I can and 90% of the time he is making the right decisions. Its the other 10% that worries me.

He was very respectful to the point where I think he had already run everything through his head and knew what was right and wrong.

I’m not naive enough to think it all will be fine from here on out but I do see a boy trying to be a man and I honestly believe he is going to be a very good man. I think it has a lot to do because of baseball - Moms, Dads, Players, Coaches, The Field and lets not forget those cute Diamond Girls.

One thing I have read over and over on this site is the HS years just fly. My little boy is now over 6ft, 185 and is going to be a Junior. I wish life would slow down a bit.

Thanks all for your support and kindness

Triple dad,....AWESOME post!

Below is my favorite part and couldn't agree more!!!

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Our 13yr old says to MOM(he is mad), "Why do you have to care so much"? NOW THAT, MY HSBBW FRIENDS IS A WELL DISGUISED COMPLIMENT!

Good quotes everyone, certainly an intriguing topic where the only experts are people who have no children.
My only caveat to parents is this: don't let that "he's an honor student" or "he plays 3 sports" or whatever it is they are gifted at purchase them so much capital that they become untouchable.
Good he's got good grades, he's capable, so why shouldn't he?
He plays 3 sports, good, so do 18 bezillion other kids.
She gets the lead in the school play... okay; she's got talent;
My point is that every year I see parents turn the other way or become liars overnight when it comes to their kids' behaviors...
I haven't been to the holiday inn express lately and I'm no expert... I've got 5 kids.

Nicely said Skip

Fungo


In no way am I endorsing underage drinking---what I am saying is give the kid credit for realizing what he did and not getting behind the wheel of the car and making sur ehe got home safely

TripleDad, Catcher09, that day is coming for most of us. In parenting, there are a lot of 2 steps forward and one step back. It comes in all kinds of forms. Personally, I've never taken a drink. Most people don't believe that. My particular problem was that I couldn't avoid fights. I just couldn't be the bigger man and walk away. It drove my dad crazy sometimes. Both of your sons made a bad choice and I'm waiting for that day that my girl makes the same choice. I think it is important to always let them know that no matter what, your love for them will never change. I also think it is important for them to understand that they are becoming men and men have to be above any excuse such as peer pressure. The price for their actions here could cost them a suspension via their school's code of conduct, it could damage their relationship with their coach, they have violated the trust you've show them, ... I think that these incidents are always great opportunities for values clarification. Ask them what they want for themselves? What role did their friends have in their decision? What are the consequences for their friends if they get caught? (Some don't participate in sports and so, they don't have any consequence that might cost them? What information do they want prospective college coaches to hear about them? Again,... I always tell my players that being "cool" isn't what most percieve. Anyone can open a can of beer. Most can not exhibit drive, desire, dedication, determination, etc. to a common cause such as playing a high school sport. Good luck to both of you and all that have young ones. My day is coming and coming soon. I hope that I can have the patience needed to deal with it. Take care!

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Anyone can open a can of beer. Most can not exhibit drive, desire, dedication, determination

Well said

Coach B:
Your quote could be on a poster inside every high school in America... Nicely said my man.

When you have kids they dont come with instructions like an appliance. Or a warranty. Raising them is a work in progress. sure everybody will tell you what to do and not do. but in the end you live him or her. You are the one who has to make the tough decisions. Somebody will tell you well I did this with my kid. Well that was their kid who lives in their house who deals with the family dynamics of that particular situation. somebody once told me that people will do what you let them. The last time I checked kids are people.

I remember when my oldest daughter was about a senior in high school I read Jimmy Buffet's autobiography (I'm blank on the title)... It really helped me... it wasn't a book about parenting but sometimes when you come across someone else's perspective on things you can accidently gain a lot from it.