I've almost never been sorry about not uttering cutting remarks I thought of.
But sometimes creativity deserves an outlet--even if it shouldn't be directed to the offending person.
Accordingly, I offer this thread as a place for members to share some of the great lines they thought of but didn't utter.
When did you bite your tongue? What was the great line you thought of but kept to yourself to avoid hurting someone unnecessarily?
Yesterday, I umpired two tournament games with a partner I'd never worked with before--he's a member of a different association. He's been umpiring a long time, but he just isn't very good at it.
Perhaps it was a cumulative effect of working nine games in very hot weather this week, but my patience with him seemed a little thin. I found myself getting more and more annoyed with his umpiring.
My biggest issue was his lack of hustle. For me, it's a point of professional pride to get at least to the start of the runner's lane on infield groundouts and to get at least to the imaginary "hit line" just in front of the mound on any outfield catch I have to rule on. Hot weather isn't an excuse. Working multiple games in a day isn't an excuse. The game I'm working is the most important game these players have, and they deserve full effort from the umpires all the time. My partner never got out of the home plate circle, and he even made the call on a diving catch in center field from behind the plate (he got it right, but if challenged he'd have had a hard time convincing anyone he'd seen it.) That's a big deal to me.
As the game went on, I found myself dissecting his game. I didn't like his head height or the way he tracked pitches. Didn't like his timing. Didn't like his lack of initiative to maintain pace of play, curtail mound visits or to start each half inning on time. I was full of uncharitable thoughts.
They got less charitable when he was shaky on his biggest call of the game. With two outs in a tie game in the bottom of the last inning the time limit permitted, there was a tag play at the plate. Either way the game is over. "Safe" means the home team wins. "Out" means the game ends in a tie. The catcher, runner, and ball converged in a cloud of dust. My partner raised his right fist almost to his chin, then hesitated, then declared the runner safe. I won't recount all that was said, but my job of getting the visiting coach's signature on the game card was a little awkward.
We changed positions for the second game, and his performance was just as bad in the field. He routinely failed to observe touches he was responsible for. He didn't move his feet to see pickoff tags. He walked just about everywhere he went. And he killed a play on a balk when we were playing under modified pro rules and he should let the pitcher continue. Luckily, he had no hard calls, and the game wasn't close.
After every game I umpire, I ask my partner for honest feedback on my performance. It's easy to slip into bad habits, and their comments often provide helpful reminders or instruction.
Most umpires, after giving constructive criticism, will invite their partner to do the same by asking, "You got anything for me?"
On the walk from the field to the parking lot, I thought about what I would say if my partner asked about his performance. I thought of some beautiful lines. However, by the time we got our cars, I decided no good could come from cutting him down to size. He's an older, heavier umpire. He's in the twilight of his career, and he's probably not looking for ways to change his game. The heat probably affected him more than it did me. And, by golly, he was out there doing what he could on a hot, humid day to let some kids have a good game.
I swallowed my criticism, skipped the de-brief, bid him farewell with vague pleasantries, and drove home.
The line I didn't use?
"On that foul ball when you pointed to the sky and yelled, 'Infield fly if fair!" which infielder did you judge capable of leaping over the backstop with ordinary effort to make the catch?"
Glad I kept my mouth shut.
What's the best line you thought of--but didn't use?
