I have no daughters

I don't want A monkey, I want a barrel of them, armed to the hilt, with an attitude, and a gut full of hostilty. I hope the girls can enjoy themselves when they go out. However, I do have eight rules.

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, s*x without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind will kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to s*x, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romance or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

I am so happy to have had a son. My only worry has been one boy, not ALL of them. I pray for you guys with teenage girls.

RZ...you are the man!!!My daughter is a senior this year & I agree with your rules/my short version of your list NO 1.honkin

2.lookin

3.moonin

4.trojan

5.laten

6.cheatin

7.whinen

8.layen

9.Shotgun Cleaning is allowed during pickup!(Added #9)

JT ..You must be a plumber....nice new toilet

3up-3dwn-
twin your senior and you'll understand why I have an NRA sticker on my door.

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JT ..You must be a plumber....nice new toilet

JT, Ya got be careful of the Tiger fur balls

RZ Is this what you look like when they arrive?

This look works very well also

A cross between those two. But, they first have to get by my buddies.

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Originally posted by 3up-3down:
JT ..You must be a plumber....nice new toilet

Why thank you. Just getting my game face on for the Dice Baseball Game this week.

I wish I knew how to use the comp like ya'll. I am going to boot camp to learn pics & stuff....Daughter WILL teach me Or this (Here is where I would insert cool picture of her boyfriend dying or begging)

RZ 1 - what URL did you go to for your avator?

I'ts a pic from my sons Freshman year the Univ of IL-Chicago. It was on their site.

The last couple of weekends my son has been away most of the time trying to have a social life prior to baseball starting up. Anyway I have been home with my wonderful wife of 21 years and our 13 tear old daughter.

They were gracious enough to point out how really, really stupid I am and clueless, classless and any other ....less you can think of.

They were also nice enough to allow me to continue to work so I can bring money home. I feel so blessed and humbled.

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my wonderful wife of 21 years and our 13 tear old daughter.

They were gracious enough to point out how really, really stupid I am and clueless,

Catcher09, I've been married 26 years and daughters are 18, can you see the pattern? You are just beginning your trek of self-awarness.

quote:

self-awarness

Thanks rz1 - you made my day

I feel pitty sorry for boys who try and get to know my almost 13 year old teenage daughter. She's the baby of the family. Has the distinct pleasure of having two older brothers and a dad who considers her the apple of his eye.

Oldest is a military cop, ( HS State wresting champ and All league Linebacker multiple years in a row ).

Other brother is over 6 foot, faster than lightenin', and a multiple Varsity lettered athlete who's second home is the weightroom.
Knows this town, inside and out, like the back of his hand. ( you can't hide!)

Her dad?? Picture an overly possesive, angry bull snortin' ( Infantry Ranger ), highly trained, in top physical shape military guy, who works out " for fun " every morning at 5:00 a.m.

Did I mention all of the above, possess perfect 20/20 vision and enjoy practicing their craft, at the shooting range on post, almost weekly?

Teenage boys will sometimes come up and talk to " me " thinking I am the weak link in the chain,... perhaps I dont look as intimidating as the others ( ha! Got them fooled!!) and ask me things like " is your daughter going to our JR. High dance? ", or " When is her next home game? ".

I play dumb ( Thanx to the blond highlights. Those insanely overpriced puppers have done wonders and been worth every stinkin' penny!!) and suggest they go politely ask one of our three male family members.

Works everytime,....they usually bolt in the opposite direction, leaving me only memories of the back of their sweet little heads! tee hee!!!

Reputations in this town are a good thing.
If you're a boy,...& trying to get to know my daughter, not so good thing! HA!

shortstopmom. You must be living in OZ with those types of delusions of grandur. You ARE still in Kansas, you know...

JT,

Dillusions???
Hmmm,...feel free to ask my fellas anytime. No really,...I beg ya!

Off to see the wizard,..........

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*** Proud Purple Pawtucket Paw Player ****
( who's gonna dice the keyboards socks off ) Smile

THOSE delusions of grandure

Teee heee heee JT,..

quote:

*** Proud Purple Pawtucket Paw Player ****
( who's gonna dice the keyboards socks off ) Smile

Uhhhh huh,......it got to ya didnt it JT, DIDN'T IT?????!!

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!!!

Works EVERYTIME!!!!
( Hear the crowd roar!! )


Bait and strategy,....anything to throw the competitions game off!! ( Pie fight didn't quite get the effect I was hopin' for. )

Heeere kitty kitty keyboarders, come out come out where ever you are!!!! ( How come I keep hearing DeNiros voice in my head & the theme song to the shark movie " Jaws " ???? )