It's Been a Bad Week

Way to go Dad...there are more important things in life than baseball..sounds like Dad woke son up to the real world.

We just wentr through this with our kiddo...took away everything known to man.. He responded with good grades and received benefits back.

Everything will be okay...discipline is difficult.

quote:

feeling hopeless....and I am WORN OUT!!

ME TOO!!!

High schoolers can definitely wear out the best parents! Sometimes I think its God's way of making it easier for us to send them off to college.

The most important thing to remember is these struggles will define the man that your son becomes. He has to learn how to take responsibility for his actions if he's going to make it in this world and the only way to teach that is to enforce and support consequences.

He will be looking for excuses, but the best thing you can do for him in this situation is to tell him you love him, that you truely want the best for him, and because of that you absolutely back up the other authority figures in his life...husband, coach, and school.

Keep a united front. It will make the difference in whether or not he learns and grows from all of these experiences. Be strong! His hope will come from your confidence.

What do you do when taking everything known to man away from him doesn't work?

This is actually a serious question born of experience...

Thanks to all for the encouraging words. I'm going to print out your responses and re-read them when the going gets tough. Sometimes when you're in the thick of things, it's easy to be shortsighted and not see beyond the immediate crisis. I'm thankful for your comments which encourage me to have a more farsighted perspective.

Infield08,
Let me be brutally honest here.
I think you are sending some confusing signals to your son.

On baseball
Go back and read your entire post. It seems to me that you are putting a lot of pressure on you son to perform on the baseball field. You post indicates it will be unacceptable if your son strikes out to lose the bi–district playoff? That could happen! Let me ask you, if your son does strike out to lose the playoff, will all hope will be lost and your “normally talented” son will be reduced to an untalented humanoid?

On the in-school suspension
You downplay the in-school suspension and indicate it was the fault of the strict rules of the private school. Your son needs to be held accountable for his actions in this case. Support the school because you are paying money for the stricter rules.

On a low academic mid term grade report
I’m surprised that a low grades repot would surprise any person paying money to get a good private education. I would check on my investment a little more frequently. I applaud your action here. Be proactive and initiate the course of action your son will take to insure his success.

Fungo

PS: Your son should go to bed knowing you love him and you are on his side. He should feel comfort in knowing what he has to do to emerge a winner --- even though he may lose the district game.

Baseball will end.

Bad grades stay with you forever and affect options that he may have later in life.

Agree with Fungo and Liberty.
------

I used to be like your husband...Now on my 5th son, I've mellowed dramatically. When an 8th grade coach of my freshman son came to a game this past weekend, he commented about what a "changed man I was" because he didn't hear a single negative word about the umps, and coaches.

Age and a "pinch" of maturity does that to you.

HC...
"Everything known to man" includes cars, computers, and even baseball for a specific time period that hurts. Make consequences fit the crime. Calmly, but firmly set up a plan for working through the problem and earning things back. Be consistent and don't cave for ANY reason.

Many times the consequence hurts the parents as much as the kid, especially when transportation is involved. However, its usually worth the effort.

Finally, be patient but persistant. Rome wasn't built in a day.

OK I am a teacher and I have a son in a strict private school. I teach public school. Here is what is written on my chalkboad every day for my students

"For every action, there is a reaction" Meaning working hard in the class room and at life will bring positive reactions. Our children are our greatest gift. hard to see that sometime, however we are the parents and not their friend. While they may not show it they need to have guidance, parameters and sometimes TOUGH love. Your son learned an important lesson from your husband, there are consequences to your actions. Baseball, while hard to say is a game. Yes it is a game that teaches s much about life, but it is a game. To play the game your must pass the class. Hence student comes before athelete in student athelete.

Your son knew well before you guys that he was in a slump in the classroom. This might have helped lead to the slump on the baseball field.

quote:

High schoolers can definitely wear out the best parents! Sometimes I think its God's way of making it easier for us to send them off to college

Amen!

HC ...

quote:

What do you do when taking everything known to man away from him doesn't work?

What we found in our home was a need to discover and utilize our son's 'currency' to find effective discipline. One week it might be his car, another week his video game system, another time an important activity such as a party he wanted to attend. Basically, whatever 'hurts' enough to get his attention.

There were times that we even made him select the punishment ... that was one of the most insightful disciplines. And from our son's perspective, the worst discipline I could inflict was making him keep his room as neat and tidy as good old Mom would, so that I could keep his door open and shed some light in our rather dark hallway ... that was more painful to him than almost anything because it really cut into his time.

some really good helpful advice.

kids, the only thing we get without instructions.even pillows have directions.

Liberty & Fungo, You beat me to it!!

After Travelling in the car this weekend after a 3 day Tournament with our Son looking at College Campuses.

We are so READY to have Him go off to College or were ever?

It's been fun, But i'm starting to get WORN OUT. the EH

Thanks for all the great input. Your comments are actually things we would tell other parents who are in a similar situation. Now we just need to keep preaching it to ourselves! I think a couple of my comments were misinterpreted. Fungo commented: "It seems to me that you are putting a lot of pressure on you son to perform on the baseball field. You post indicates it will be unacceptable if your son strikes out to lose the bi–district playoff? That could happen! Let me ask you, if your son does strike out to lose the playoff, will all hope will be lost and your “normally talented” son will be reduced to an untalented humanoid?" My answer is: absolutely not. My husband and I were of course disappointed that the team lost, but we were NOT disappointed in our son's performance. What made it difficult was HIS response to his perceived "failure." He is a "glass-is-half-empty-kid" -- has been ever since he was a preschooler. Rather than positively using his "failure" for motivation, he uses it as an opportunity to beat himself up. It was a long ride home after the game not because of pressure we were putting on him, but because he was in such a bad mood. I did not intend to minimize his need for an in-school suspension. He does deserve the punishment he got, and we are thankful for the strictness of the school because it nips things in the bud rather than allowing things to spiral out of control. Fungo also comments: "I’m surprised that a low grades report would surprise any person paying money to get a good private education. I would check on my investment a little more frequently." We usually get weekly computer updates on our son's class averages and are well-aware of how he's doing; however, his geometry teacher has had a lot on his plate recently and has not posted any grades for the past 2 months. Because our son had been making B's in geometry earlier in the year, we didn't even think to call the teacher and ask how our son was doing. We became aware of his low Spanish grades a few weeks ago and we had warned him about consequences should he fail to bring his average up. Obviously, he didn't heed our warning. 20dad, I loved your "advice!" It sure would have been nice to receive some instructions when he was born!

First let me say that I am very proud of my son.

But let me also say that I have gone through the (parent) thing with a baseball player that made a decision that he wanted to play baseball to the exclusion of everything else.

That decision effected everything he did starting out in high school. It effected his grades, (didn't know up to the few weeks prior to graduation of High school whether he would even graduate on time). He became a very social personality and increasingly was away from home.

We have admonished him only at those times when we found out that his grades were suffering...but we always expressed our concerns to him about his potential future options for a life without baseball. We have never punished him for any of his actions regarding his personal decisions.

He has never been a discipline problem...not in the sense of being delinquent or disobedient to us.

But now he is 19 and suffered his first setback that had a real impact on his happiness when he found out he was ineligible to play this year.

We did not punish him. We did have a stern conversation with him about how he would view himself, and how others would evaluate his maturation level. Apparently after meeting with his coach he realized that he had punished himself pretty badly because the coach told him he was to be one of the starters this year. That hurt him more than anything we could have said.

He just finished up the Fall term with a 3.50 GPA.

We are proud of him.

But I am very concerned about his future options without baseball and it grinds on me to see him take things all in stride. But I also realize my anxieties are based upon the way I would do things.

I wife says as long as he doesn't hurt himself or others he should be given the chances to find the "truth" about himself his own way.

I still grind my teeth on that philosophy. But the more you push, the worse it gets later on.

I agree with Fungo...they must know that your concern is about their welfare, not about manipulating the effort, or the outcome.

RR,
All we can do is support them and love them.
and make them accountable for there action's and there effort.
Beyond that, It is out of our Control.

I feel the same way you Do.
I want everything to go right for him, and I Worry about it.
But it just is wasted energy.

The only one he (my son) has to make Happy is himself.
It's his Life and I will Support him in whatever he Decides.

But It doesn't make it any easier for US. the EH

Ramrod:

That's fabulous about your son's gpa! Congratulate him for me, please!


the EH: You have written exactly what I feel.


This has been the hardest year of my life. I'm exhausted.

Remove baseball from the equation. This is just my advice. Talk to him about how important his grades are in relation to life and not baseball. Maybe he is struggling in baseball because he is worried about his grades and the consequences of poor grades? Is he trying in school but just can't cut it right now? Does he need some tutoring etc? One thing for sure is that he needs your support and understanding during a very tough time for him. Remember as frustrated as you are you can bet he is even under more pressure and even more frustrated. Give him a hug and tell him you love him and then do everything you can to help him out. I know that sometimes they all need a kick in the ***. But at times like these they also need to know that you are there for them and just because they have stumbled a bit does not mean that they are a looser and you do not still love them and are proud of them. JMHO

One week after our son's world imploded, I thought it would be nice to give a positive update. Monday's in-school suspension went surprisingly well. Son was very discouraged when he was dropped off that morning, but the principal took him for a walk and talked and prayed with him, which encouraged him a lot. His dad, who had finally calmed down, went and ate lunch with him (with the permission of the school) to show his support. Son worked incredibly hard Monday-Wednesday and -- surprise, surprise -- got A's on his Spanish and geometry tests. (Of course, he thought he should get his car back right then and there, but we said not so fast! We're allowing him to earn back his car use in increments as he improves his grade average.) I must humbly admit to Fungo that he was partially correct in his assessment of the situation after all. He had commented that we were putting pressure on our son to perform, and during this past week our son admitted that he DID feel pressure from us. (We didn't think we had been pressuring him, but the comments that we thought were motivational were actually detrimental to his thinking and confidence level.) We backed off totally and told him to simply have fun, and by today the coach said our son was hitting better than he had seen in the past 6 weeks. On Monday, we were told that son fell under a one-time mercy rule, which allows him to play for the next 2 weeks while he attempts to get his averages above 70. Today the team won the bi-district championship 6-3 and will play its regional game next week. Thanks to all for their encouraging words, which helped my husband and me greatly!

Infield08:

In a week that was emotionally draining, reading your post actually made me smile! Thank you so much for the update.

Congratulations to your son, but especially to you. I'm sure you all learned alot this week. Best wishes for continued positive experiences.

A 70 is failing?Thats a pretty high grade to be failing.

At my school if you have a D you are on academic probation,meaning you have 1 week to raise the grade or you are ineligable for one week or 2 games(whichever comes first)

quote:

Originally posted by Holden Caulfield:
What do you do when taking everything known to man away from him doesn't work?

This is actually a serious question born of experience...

I suppose you could then take away everything known to woman...and you know that heap of stuff is immensely larger than any man's...just ask any woman!

Seriously...you ask a good, yet difficult question. I'm not sure what the answer is...probably the solution lies deep within the person at that point.

Your question reminds me of a question that I wonder about..."what does a person, who swears constantly at everything, say when he or she is mad?" No words remain that have any heft or emphasis.

Your dilemma is similar..."what to take away as punishment, that has heft or emphasis, when everything is already restricted?"

Yes, at his school (a private one), if you have a 69 you are failing. Go below 70 in even one class and you are on academic probation for 2 weeks. You get a one-time "mercy rule" each semester.

Be glad your son has learned his lesson before it's too late. My son, who's in college now, was ineligible for a week due to grades and instead of the coach giving him a good talking to he called me up and told me I should fight it. After giving my son a strong talking to and explaining why I would definately not fight it, I decided to call the one of two teachers who put him on the ineligibility list (the coach had also decided to lambaste her) and thanked her. Since having 2 sons, one who was not into athletics, I saw how much they tend to let the athletes at our school get away with. He learned a valuable lesson that week as he had to sit the bench for his first time ever!

I'm sure y'all are probably more than ready to see this post fade into oblivion, but I had to share the good news. My son's team won the regional championship today against the defending state champion and is headed to state next week! This is the first time in the school's history to go to state, so we're all obviously elated. Son's Spanish average is up 7 points and geometry is up also (not sure of the average yet, but he should be eligible to play). Just goes to show what a kid's capable of when he puts his mind to it!

I am never ready to see a turn around story fade away... Congrats to your son (and to you and your husband) for turning the grades around...

Oh yeah - congrats on the trip to state as well

Well it's been a bad four weeks and then some as season is a complete wash-out. Son had a few ABs early on trying to play thru an injury hoping he would fully recover to take the mound by mid-season. Result, a set-back that put him on the bench for the season in this his all-important junior year. Frustrating to say the least. On a positive note he made honor roll last report card and I gather one less H.S. season of pitching on the arm is not a bad thing.

NYDad, so sorry to hear about your son's injury. It has got to be so frustrating to realize that it's totally out of your control. Any chance he'll be recovered in time for the summer season (for either select ball or showcaseses)?

Infield08, Thanks. he had a lower back strain going into the season that was feeling better and although he couldn't pitch in the beginning he tried playing first few games in the field and taking his cuts re-aggravated it. Big mistake. Original Xray back in early April was clean and today had an MRI done but won't know anything until Tuesday when goes back to the orthopedic. Fingers crossed. All going well with the MRI hope he can at least make it back to game shape for the PG Northeast BCS mid-June.

Let us know how his follow-up with the doctor goes. Hopefully he'll be good to go for the summer season (when things really matter for recruiting).

Son had follow-up with orthopedic today and thank goodness the lumbar spine MRI came back clean as a whistle. A few weeks of aggressive therapy then he can begin swinging/throwing again. Funny how things work as he rec'd an invite to the PG Sunshine Northeast in the mail today.

Awesome news! Thanks for the update, and tell him good luck at the showcase!

In times of trouble, both on the field on off, I tell myself a few things to ease the trouble and not overreact. The first I believe is from the Bible, and the second I believe is atrributable to Pope John Paul.

1) This too shall pass.
2) Through suffering comes salvation and grace.

Good luck. Everything will work out.