This was in todays Daily Herald.
I hope that it is ok for me to post this. Beenthere if it is not please delete,
Thanks Bret. Now let the laughter begin
OK, Lee’s back … so what’s next?
Mike Imrem
Posted Monday, June 26, 2006
Well, the Cubs better have a Plan Z.
Other than, you know, pitching Carlos “Big Z” Zambrano every game the rest of the season.
Kerry Wood’s return didn’t change anything. Mark Prior’s didn’t. Finally, Derrek Lee’s didn’t Sunday in Minnesota.
If anything, the Cubs impacted Lee — 1-for-4, a couple of strikeouts and a weak tapper to the pitcher — more than he impacted them.
So it’s time for drastic measures, two of which I’ll propose for your perusing pleasure.
First, performance enhancers.
No, seriously. Bud Selig should declare an exemption allowing the Cubs to use steroids, human growth hormones and amphetamines.
Short of that, the commissioner should at least permit Wrigley Field concession stands to sell recreational drugs so Cubs fans could divert their minds from the on-field follies.
Second, Ernie Banks.
The Cubs left enough runners on base Sunday during Lee’s return from the disabled list to fill the Metrodome. I guarantee you that Banks at age 75 would have driven some of them home.
Heck, you also could have Fergie Jenkins come back to bolster the Cubs’ pitching staff, and then Billy Williams to play the outfield at least as a defensive replacement.
Sure, that’s ludicrous, but no more so than the Cubs’ performance in an 8-1 loss to the Twins.
Could three senior citizens play the game any worse than the 25 guys the Cubs currently are foisting on the public?
For months the idea was that Lee would be the answer, the truth, the salvation after two months on the disabled list with a bum wrist.
It turns out the answer, the truth and the salvation are no match for these Cubs.
The offense was supposed to perk up when the No. 3 hitter in the lineup and No. 2 offensive player in the National League made his comeback.
All those runners the Cubs were leaving on base were going to magically begin crossing home plate.
Er, no … they’re still standing out there.
Even with Lee as the designated hitter, the Cubs didn’t score until it didn’t matter with two outs in the ninth inning.
That would have been the horror story if the Cubs weren’t so horrific in so many other phases of the game.
A bobbled ball in left field by Matt Murton … a bad throw from right field by Jacque Jones … a you-take-it, no-you-take-it “Saturday Night Live” skit performed by first baseman Phil Nevin and second baseman Todd Walkeræ…
Folks, there was only one flaw in the theory that the Cubs would be better when Lee healed. That would be that, even at 6-feet-5, 245 pounds, he can’t cover all nine positions on the field at once.
Listen, we’re all familiar with bad baseball after watching the Cubs decade after freakin’ decade. The Cubs’ problem now is we’re also familiar with the championship baseball provided by the team on the South Side.
To watch the White Sox one day in person and the Cubs the next day on TV is like watching a garage band follow U2.
(Apologies to garage bands insulted by being compared to the Cubs.)
Wait, maybe the solution is combining drugs — legal ones this time — and senior citizens.
Yes, folks, Plan Z is to pump Viagra into Ernie, Fergie and Billy and send them out to Wrigley Field tonight to do a man’s job against the Brewers.
mimrem@dailyherald.com
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