Monkey Air 123:
Charlotte Tower...we have a situation developing...it appears that one of our passengers, a
Wal-Mart advertising logo wearing sunglasses, is screaming that the price on vinyl letter
K's are $.44 lower today...he said something about
slashing prices in his rant. He's banged on the cockpit door and loudly stated that
"we can't escape low prices and good service". He appears to be quite an animated fellow.
He's making us laugh so hard that we are having difficulty controlling the plane. We've been monitoring our
cabin-cam and we can see most passengers are actually doubled over with soda pop streaming from their noses...it's a real mess.
We unfortunately do not have an
Air Marshall with us today. Their
DOWN-N-DOUR training would have helped us today certainly.
This fellow may be considering
hijacking the flight. This is a real concern for us because we're certain we don't have enough paper towels on board to keep up with the mess.
We've been told he apparently was assigned seat K3. Reports are that he was grabbing everyone's pack of peanuts and tearing them open with his teeth and then scarfing them down...barely chewing them. Absolutely hilarious!
He's not letting up...now he's letting everyone know about
Always Low Prices...Always. He's really comical, but relentless! I don't know how much longer we can hang on.
Please advise!
Charlotte Tower:
Monkey Air 123...please remain calm. This certainly isn't the first time this has happened and Lord knows it won't be the last.
First you must stabilize your aircraft...if the laughter and merriment is overpowering you, then you must think dour, somber, and gloomy thoughts. If you're having trouble with acheiving this mood you must immediately secure a copy of the
New York Times front page...it will bring you down in a hurry. Be careful...do not, under any circumstance, allow this loony passenger access to the cockpit. A flight attendant can safely slip the front page under the cockpit door. We hope you can still read the paper after it has been soaked by soda.
We're trying to find out anything at all about your passenger...initial information, just coming through, indicates he has exhibited this type of behavior on previous flights. He is known to be zany, upbeat, and fun-loving much to the consternation of a few passengers. Most passengers simply succumb to the hilarity and lose their soda as you have described...messy at times, but rather harmless. This appears to be happening to you.
Stay in contact with us...it is of paramount importance that you get that copy of the
New York Times.
We bid you Godspeed
Monkey Air 123Several minutes pass...Monkey Air 123:
Charlotte Tower...We managed to speed-read all of the gloom on the front page of the
New York Times...most was smudged by the soda, as you surmised, and as a result we still couldn't quite come to grips with things...some quick thinking by my co-pilot saved us...he managed to blurt out
"BBC...the BBC" between guffaws.
We thankfully managed to tune in a
BBC broadcast just in the nick of time. That brought us down with a rush. We were quickly and soberly able to bring the plane under control.
We'll keep the
BBC blaring loudly up here in the cockpit...for those souls in the back I don't know...reports are that we're down to two or three cases of soda.
Thank you
Charlotte Tower... hijacking averted...we'll continue our flight to San Jose.
Charlotte Tower:
Monkey Air 123...You're quite welcome.
Just so you know...more information has since come in regarding your passenger. He has several known associates spread throughout the nation and world (I think...
) who are similarly disposed to this type of behavior. Some view them as a menace, but most just chuckle and give them a wide berth. Some even comedically spar with them from time to time.
Homeland Security and the Transportation Security Administration have a thick dossier on each of them...they're all on the
watch list but deemed harmless for now.
44
peace, Shep