Moral dilema

Why not contact the authorities so they can arrest him?

Selling dope isn't Little League.

No dilema here. I would alert the police and they can determine if it is true. You owe it to others to get this kid off the streets.
I know several good kids that were top students who sold drugs and were arrested and given criminal records back then. They were actually quite nerdy. One became a supply teacher. He used to complain no one would hire him. Go figure.

Sorry...boring day at work.

As you said - substantiate it. How do you know it's true? Rumors and gossip can do a lot of damage.

I think the best option is to talk to the kid himself. Is that a possibility? Definitely not the sister. Big sisters tend to protect little brothers. Definitely not the coach - if the kid is using during the season or does something else to hurt the team, then it becomes the coach's business.

This is a tough time for our boys. 2B and a couple of his friends have been distressed that some of their classmates/teammates have chosen the path of recreational drugs and alcohol. My son and most of his friends did not choose that path, so they have struggled to let the other friends go. As long as 2B chooses the "clean" path, I'm not going to report his former friends. They're making their own bed.

quote:

Originally posted by BobbleheadDoll:
Can't agree. Talking to him could have a drastic affect on his son and telling him would drive him underground. If the guy is dumb enough to sell dope he is worth putting behind bars.
I would also like to know how you would substantiate it ?
Also nice kids don't sell drugs to other kids.

I personally would notify the parents of what I had heard -- even if I didn't know them well -- and gently comment that where there's smoke, there's usually fire. They probably know their son best and how to best handle the situation, whatever that means (investigate, take car away, get authorities involved, etc.).

Selling pot is indeed a serious offense and certainly this boy needs to be stopped in his tracks -- if he is truly guilty. I would hesitate in calling the cops directly, however, unless I had serious proof. Merely being investigated by the police -- even if it turns out that there is no basis to the rumors -- could do serious harm to his reputation and adversely affect his future.

Why call the cops? I understand it is illegal, but why not try and help the kid before letting him possibly ruin the rest of his life. Some kids need guidance, not jail, to change their ways. Kids also have situations that they might not feel capable of handling with an ordianary job, so they sell drugs in order to make an extra buck.
I agree with 2Bmom about talking to the kid directly, hopefully you can get him to change his ways before it's too late.

The cops will not confront the kid until they have evidence.
Maybe this is why America is losing the war on drugs. The Parents could be part of the problem. I have seen Parents approached by well meaning people and they attacked them.
I don't understand the attitude ?
I once had a problem with a kid about 20 yo. He dfrauded me out of a small amount of money. I debated about calling the cops and finally had heard so much about this guy that I decided to call. Cop takes my statement which was clearly an offense called conversion. They interviewed the guy and reported back what a great guy he was and too bad. A few months later this guy was found in a motel room beat to death. Too many people not taking a stand. He was a tall handsome guy who was as slick as they come. No dumb cop is capable of figuring him out. I called the cop and congratulated him on his part in the death of this guy. I later heard he had ripped off so many people. He was even shot at driving down the street. I guees the drug dealer he ripped off couldn't take a joke.
I later was called out on a business deal and it turned out to be this guys Parnets. This was a few years later and she was going on about her wonderful son and how he had been killed. I just kept quiet about what I knew. I knew plenty but they knew zip.
One time he got money from a girl friend to by a Cal car and bring it back for her. He did everything put give it to her when he got back.

I faced a similar situation a few years ago.

I called the dad and told him,

"This is what is being said about your son. It's told to me as though it is common knowledge at school. I have no idea if it's true but as a parent I would want someone to tell me, so I'm telling you."

Just proceed with caution so your own son doesnt get harassed. If the parent is not discreet when you tell him it could be a problem

Go to the school. Find a counselor and tell the story exactly as you heard it. Don't make any accusations. Tell your kid not to make any assumptions. If your kid has any hard facts, or has seen anything illegal, your kid should go to a school authority as well. After you tell someone at school, tell no one else. Don't warn others of this kid. Don't spread information you don't know all the facts about.

Whatever you do - don't go to the parents. As far as they know, you're just a guy following rumors.

Well , several years ago I had a freshman in our program and his dad was a life long friend of mine. I had been told by a couple of players the kid was using and selling pot. I called a team meeting a couple of days later and gave the whole team a speech about the dangers of drugs and being around others who use and sell it. I told them if they were caught what the consequences would be. I told them if they needed any help , had a problem etc they could come to me and I would help them.

I continued to hear the rumors. I approached the kid and told him I had heard rumors and just wanted to warn him if it was true he better stop. If he needed help I would help him. He told me it was all lies. I continued the hear the rumors so I approached my good friend and told him I was hearing rumors and he needed to start watching this situation and he needed to have a talk with his kid.

Well a bomb got dropped on me. I was accused of spreading rumors about their son. They demanded I tell them who told me he was selling and using drugs. They threatened to file a lawsuit against me and the players that I would not reveal. Basically it was my fault and I was trying to "get their kid" and I was leading a smear campaign against their son.

And these were parents that were life long friends of me and my family. I learned a valuable lesson from this experience. Talk to the team. Warn them and offer them assistance. If you have proof then tell the proper authorities. If you do not , wait until you do. Situations like this can get very ugly very quickly. I have always been the kind of parent that would have appreciated someone telling me something so I could check it out and do what needs to be done. There are many parents that are not like that. And you dont know how people are going to react until its too late.

By the way the kid ended up dropping out of hs. He ended up being a big time dope user and was in and out of serious trouble. He never played for us. But the hard feelings those parents had towards me are still there. Be very careful is all I am really trying to say.

Ditto, Ditto,

What Coach may says is what happens a lot of the time. I earlier said preceed with caution. many parents do not want to hear anything bad about there kids. Also as Coach May said how he got almost sued over it, something similar happened with us in HS, I tried to go to the kid himself and my son caught living he.... he was called names and almost got his a--- kicked just because this kid who he played with went on myspace and in the matter of a hour me and my son were called every name in the book. My son wasnt even involved at all.He told me never to get involved. I said even at the expense of someones life(this involved drinking and driving) he said let his own parents figure it out.It was the worst week of my sons life at school, no one talked to him, he was a snitch, all becasue I, Not him talked to a boy he knew that I knew was drinking and driving at 16.PROCEED WITH CAUTION I know we want to help but the world and people are funny these days about their kids.
another aspect of this is your son came and told you and thats good we want open discussion, but sometimes just listen dont alway have to fix it. it def. is a moral dilemna, I thought I was helping this kid and my son payed for it. going back I would of kept my mouth shut. And we wonder why our kids are afraid to say anything about their peers. Adults tell them its safe to talk to adults, then they get treated like a lepor becasue their snitches. sad sad sad.Just like columbine(extreme example) other kids knew and had heard, why didnt they report it???? becasue they are afraid of the repercussions with their peers.My son when he told me stuff after that I just listened and didt say a thing. If it were me I would send an anonymous letter, I wouldnt get involved in any way. what happened to the kid in coach mays post could very well be this kid.

RJM-Being a highschool aged kid who has friends that use drugs, ect, I can say that by you doing anything publicly, you will be marring your name with certain famlies for a long time. Again, if you are going to do anything, make sure it is annonymous. I had a similar situation last year, and my dad wanted to report the kid or talk with him face to face. Thankfully I managed to talk him out of it, but if you read on, the damage was already done.

I would also not inform the police or authorities because contrary to what a lot of parents might think, selling weed is very widespread. Yes its a huge crime, but do you really think that a teenager understands the extent of his or her crimes. By informing the authorities, you might put the kids life on hold, and scare his transcript for life.

One of my closest friends was caught selling dope this past summer. He played baseball among other sports but was caught in the summer during the season. He came to me in tears one day, this tough kid who beats the **** out of people, saying that a parent of the team had snitched on him. He ended up being arrested-permanently scaring his transcript and ending his baseball career.

If it was me, I would tell the sister, but proceed with caution. Again, nothing public, and make sure it isnt a rumor first.

Hope all goes well with this, and if ever in doubt, just ask the Lord.

quote:

Originally posted by Coach May:
Well , several years ago I had a freshman in our program and his dad was a life long friend of mine. I had been told by a couple of players the kid was using and selling pot. I called a team meeting a couple of days later and gave the whole team a speech about the dangers of drugs and being around others who use and sell it. I told them if they were caught what the consequences would be. I told them if they needed any help , had a problem etc they could come to me and I would help them.

I continued to hear the rumors. I approached the kid and told him I had heard rumors and just wanted to warn him if it was true he better stop. If he needed help I would help him. He told me it was all lies. I continued the hear the rumors so I approached my good friend and told him I was hearing rumors and he needed to start watching this situation and he needed to have a talk with his kid.

Well a bomb got dropped on me. I was accused of spreading rumors about their son. They demanded I tell them who told me he was selling and using drugs. They threatened to file a lawsuit against me and the players that I would not reveal. Basically it was my fault and I was trying to "get their kid" and I was leading a smear campaign against their son.

And these were parents that were life long friends of me and my family. I learned a valuable lesson from this experience. Talk to the team. Warn them and offer them assistance. If you have proof then tell the proper authorities. If you do not , wait until you do. Situations like this can get very ugly very quickly. I have always been the kind of parent that would have appreciated someone telling me something so I could check it out and do what needs to be done. There are many parents that are not like that. And you dont know how people are going to react until its too late.

By the way the kid ended up dropping out of hs. He ended up being a big time dope user and was in and out of serious trouble. He never played for us. But the hard feelings those parents had towards me are still there. Be very careful is all I am really trying to say.

That is an unbelievable, yet sadly believable story.

Many parents will take what you say about their kids and personalize it unto themselves. Thus, whatever you say or imply about the kid, you are implying about them. I can say with exerience of having three kids that some of what happens is on them however.

Personally, I have too many deamons in my own closet to turn someone in. If possible, work behind the scenes and help as much as possible. As Coach May points out however, some things are perhaps better left unsaid.

Coach May - if you had things to do over again, what would you do differently, if anything?

We have faced this situation a few times too in that many of my sons team mates hang out at our house. . (i think its the food, not the company)

However, it is my opinion that you need to have a "gut" feeling about which family member to address. If the sister is mature and you have an excellent realtionship with her, and only you know that. . . ask her if it is a remote possibilty? Possibly ask her about going to her & kiddos parents? My second choice would be to go to the parents myself.. kids deserve our help in MHO.

Food for thought - many kids "deal" to get monies they might 'think' they need, or possible they actually "need" it and are too embarrased or proud to go another direction...then again some are just "foolish" and "don't give a rats patooty"

I hope you figure this out, as just posting for us lends me to believe you really want to do the right thing. . .and that is a GREAT thing whatever you decide to do. . .

I think my next step will be to ask a handful of high school kids I consider mature enough to have the conversation without starting rumors, a question about an athlete dealing at the high school and see if they know who I'm talking about. Even the straight kids (like my son) know what's going on at school. My daughter always knew what was going on.

Then if it appears my son is correct I may go to the coach. He's a friend. He's already seen one of his players end up in jail when he got caught up in dealing in college. I may just suggest there's a troubled player on his team and let him take it from there.

Then there's the PC racial aspect of this. In a school district that's 95% executive (of any race or color) there's one corner that is 5% mid to lower income black. This kid is from the 5% area. Throw in a little denial and it's a white parent of an athlete taking down a black athlete.

The issue about going to the parents is, while they seem to be nice people and their daughter is a sweetheart, one son lost his full college athletic ride over behavior and the youngest son is a punk. Maybe they don't see their kid's faults. My son said the kid in question is an honors student. I can say he's very polite. I'd hate to see a kid with a future screw up even though I don't know him that well.

I learned a valuable lesson CD. No matter how close you are to someone when it comes to their children all bets are off. I would handle it the way I handle these situations now. I would address my team just like I did the first time. I go to the proper authorities at the school and inform them of what I have heard and make them aware of what "might" be going on. Thats about all you can do.

You have to be very carefull in these types of situations. Sometimes what you hear and what is actually going on is very different. Unless you have proof that someone is engageing in this type of activity all you can do is talk to your team and let the chips fall where they fall. I can tell you this you might think you can trust people but you have no way of knowing what is going to happen when they are put under stress. Its amazing how the story can change and how a conversation about one thing ends up being told in a totally different manner when the rubber meets the road.

I say be very very careful and steer clear of this stuff. Chasing rumors is a very dangerous slippery slope. Alot of bad things can happen. Knowing something and chasing rumors now thats two totally different scenarios. I have no problem confronting situations. But I have learned if you run around chasing rumors you end up dealing with more bs than you care to deal with.

RJM,
Take yourself out of the situation with speaking with the kids, go to the coach. Let him do his homework with the info you have provided.

JMO.

RJM not a good idea at all talking to the players. They are not your kids. All it takes is one of them going home saying "Mr So and So was asking me questions and >>>>.......................!" You better leave this one alone dude. And calling the coach might not be much better. "Coach who told you this about my son?" "That m$(*#$ (#__##)%U#$))!!! His kid #&$#&#) #%#)%!! Im going to #$&()#& %#(%)#( !!!

Tell your kid to make sure he chooses his friends in a smart manner. Stays away from the trouble makers and stays away from the rumor mill. Call the school and leave an anonymous message or get the word back to the coach in an anonymous manner. Dont let your kid get drug into something where it appears he is spreading rumors about his team mates. It doesnt matter if its not true its what is percieved as happening that will cause him the trouble and headache. If you are drug into it your son will be drug into it.

Run from this one as fast as you can and let the people that are not close to this situation deal with it. You might think these boys are close to you and the coach and parents. That can change very quickly and you will be very sorry you ever stepped in this one.

quote:

Posted December 17, 2008 10:46 PM Hide Post
I think my next step will be to ask a handful of high school kids I consider mature enough to have the conversation without starting rumors, a question about an athlete dealing at the high school and see if they know who I'm talking about.

RJM - As a teacher, this is a bad idea. You are an adult, and you are expecting a handful of high school kids to be mature on your level. First of all, that's too much responsibility on the kids. I think TPM meant to say take yourself out of the situation WITHOUT the kids. Leave the kids out of it.

Go to the school. There may be more to the kids' story than you know.

Then leave it alone.

my three cents

The typical situation is the kid who buys a moderate quantity, smokes some, sells the rest at a markup, and tries to break even -- that is, he sells primarily to provide funding for his own.

Bear in mind that if this kid is on a sports team, he is in a locker room with your kid.

This kid is fundamentally dishonest. Often he will also steal or engage in other line-crossing behavior. Nothing is ever true, nothing is ever his fault, someone else is always out to get him, etc.

This person is no one's friend. He thinks only of himself.

Your job is to act to protect yourself/your son from this person. He will burn you if he gets the chance, so trying to be Mr. Understanding is very apt to backfire.

Also, remember the saying that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I'm not saying dad's a druggie, but the parents are often enabler types -- always bailing the kid out, never believing he does anything wrong, blaming others for persecuting him when he clearly did wrong, etc. If your son were doing it, you'd like to be told? Well, because you're like that, your son probably isn't doing it. The other parents are not like you, as Coach May found out.

Bottom line: the advice to call the police is spot on. No one needs to know who called. Let the parents blame the police, "narc" kids, the principal, whoever. Get the bad seed out of the school and off the team and hope that at some point down the road the kid can turn it around. And as we discussed in another thread, I will always hope he does and will be happy to see him do well, but first he has to get caught and pay a price or nothing much will change.

Midlo great post.

The more I read and the more I think it through, you're all making sense. If the kid is taken out and I'm tied to it, I've taken down a starter on a team that expects to win. While the kid's welfare and the welfare of those around him is more important, the community may not see it that way. Then my kid is tied to me and may have problems.

Many years ago I went to the parents of a former girlfriend and told them their son was drinking far too much in college. I liked him like a younger brother (we're friends to this day) and was worried about him. They got ****ed and blamed me for getting back at the family for their daughter breaking up with me. They didn't believe me until their son wrapped his car around a tree and was charged with a DWI. Then he flunked out of college. But, at the time they didn't want to hear it about their All-American son. I think I should learn from this. I'm not young and stupid anymore.

I'm not going to seek out the coach. When I run into him (and I will socially) I'll suggest there may be a kid on the team with a problem and leave it at that. In the long run the kid will take himself out. If a lot of kids know, the teachers will hear eventually.

The reason I got caught up in thinking this through is, the last time I had information I did nothing and a kid ended up in a lot of trouble. When the dad told me his son had lost interest in sports and only wanted to hang in the basement playing his guitar, I thought to myself, "Go figure!" But I said nothing. Since it was a friend of my son I told him he would be grounded if seen with him. The kid eventually straighted out.

The problem is too many parents don't believe it when it's about their kid. When my son was at a party where there was alcohol when he was thirteen we grounded him for two months. The other kids were grounded for a week. When he complained he took one sip and didn't like it, I told him his biggest mistake was he wasn't smart enough to leave the party even if he only took a sip.

Midlo,
Spot on stuff, my friend.

To be clearer, the situation I interceded in was...

1. Drinking, and it was by a kid I had formerly coached in middle school

2. I cared about the kid and the father

CM,
I knew when I called it could have gone either way, fortunately for me, it didn't go bad...but it could have and I knew it. The deciding factor for me, is that it would have torn me up if something happened to the kid and I had done nothing. I rolled the dice and did what little I could

There are a couple of kids now that my younger one says are teammates and using. I haven't done/said anything because I have no connection with these kids or parents to speak of other than to see them at events. You all have certainly given reason for pause and further thought.

Thank you.

While I agree with most of what has been said here, about not getting involved by telling the family and others, I don't think I would call the cops. Obviously, as parents, our first responsibility is our own kids. We make sure that they are not involved or threatened by the situation. If the kid is dealing and he is stupid, he will eventually be caught and dealt with by the authorities, whether school, the police and probably both. I don't think an outsider should call the police or the school based on rumors or even second hand information. If my son is clear of the situation it is really not any of my business.

If it is not true or it was a one time thing for the kid I would not want to jeopardize his future over it. I also believe that there is more than one kid selling and/or smoking pot in most high schools. We are not the SWAT team for our kids high schools. I have to believe that how I raised my son to this point was good enough for him to make a wise decision in these situations because he does not live in a protective bubble.

This leads to a question. How prevelant do you think drinking is on a high school baseball or football team. I personally think that quiet a few of the juniors and seniors have a beer or two at parties around town. I'm not saying I condone it, and I would not allow it at a party at my house, but I feel it happens. I know it happpened in the 70's when I was that age. I know thing are different with strickter DUI laws but kids are still kids.

quote:

Originally posted by RJM:
The more I read and the more I think it through, you're all making sense. If the kid is taken out and I'm tied to it, I've taken down a starter on a team that expects to win. While the kid's welfare and the welfare of those around him is more important, the community may not see it that way. Then my kid is tied to me and may have problems.

I commend your desire to help, and I also understand, maybe better than some, the postion you find your self in...

Some here on the HSBBW know of the situation that I was in and that was in regards to evidence of Child abuse... I called the police and the child (youth BB player) was removed from his family..

Those that did not see the evidence, were and to this day, are convinced I had no right to do what I did... Now I would not change what I did for anything....But the evidence (Bruises and marks only adult hands could make emboldened me)........First hand and substantiated evidence would be the only way I reccomend you move forward.....a false accusation will cling to all involved negatively for years......

Trust me........even a 100% ajudicated accusation has had negative impacts on me now years later.....Given the alternative in my situation, I gladly will take it...

Best of luck

fillsfan,

You are right. Put what I found is a lot of parents do condone it. To the last post, I think as an adult you can handle it, the question at hand is can the posters kid handle it if they know his dad snitched. Thats the word they use being a snitch. Personally I would keep it private as i said before.

"This leads to a question. How prevelant do you think drinking is on a high school baseball or football team. I personally think that quiet a few of the juniors and seniors have a beer or two at parties around town. I'm not saying I condone it, and I would not allow it at a party at my house, but I feel it happens. I know it happpened in the 70's when I was that age. I know thing are different with strickter DUI laws but kids are still kids."

I don't know how much goes on. But I'm not going to be blind and say it doesn't happen. Half the girls basketball team was suspended for drinking a few years ago. I was fortunate my daughter wasn't into drinking. She still isn't in college even though she admits she infrequently has a beer. My son is the dumb puppy dog the girls can sometimes lead around by a leash (weren't we all). He's only made one mistake (previous post) so far that I know of.

We're big on "Who will be there?" and "Will parents be home?" My kids have to deal with their dad having been a wild child and remembers what went on. How none of us got killed is beyond me. I'm surprised at 20 and 15 years old my kids have never asked if I ever smoked pot. My wife in her late 40's still hasn't tried coffee or a cigarette.

Wow, RJM this is a really good, timely, and thought-provoking thread. piaa_ump, I am very glad there are brave people like you out there who will do something when the evidence is clear.

Our HS is a small "laboratory" school. It's not a private school, but there is limited admission and parents have to apply to get their kids in. There is always a waiting list. So by default, parents might be more involved in their children's education than at your normal HS. Students caught breaking substance abuse rules, stealing, or any other major infraction, are kicked out the same day. Some kids got caught with some stolen iPods a couple of years ago and not only got kicked out - they got a police escort off campus. Only one that I know of has been kicked out for pot, but that just means some others haven't yet gotten caught. And this kid was dumb enough to keep it in his locker. But still I think there is less of a problem at this school that the bigger high schools. But the problem is still there. If one believes the rumors, the substance of choice seems to be first alcohol, then pot.

According to current research, statistically speaking, 2 out of every 5 seniors have had alcohol in the last 30 days and 1 out of every 5 seniors have smoked marijuana in the last 30 days. Also, the same research indicates that the percentages are fairly even from rural to urban to suburban. So I would say that most (if not all) high school sports teams have them.

In my day in the 70's the athletes were the worst alcohol offenders. Little pot smoking by the athletes back then. Can't say the same thing today in my opinion.

I think the best thing is to know who your kid's friends are and what/where they are doing.

Kind of a wierd thing, one of the Dads on one of our athletic teams and I were having a debate if you will of the best way to raise our kids in this alcohol and weed prevalent generation (not that it is too different than previous generations.) His attitude was to allow alcohol consumption by his teen with him in his home, because "they are going to be faced with it anyway and I might as well show him how."

My attitude is to teach why not to do it, monitor, and try to set a good example. So far so good. I know for my son it has resulted in not having as many friends as he would think he would like. A lot of would be friends hang at parties that he will not, both athletes and non-athletes. No judging here and no holier than thou. Just about making choices.

If you want a glimpse into the high school world around your kid, ask him to give you a look at his facebook/myspace if he has one. If he agrees to show you then I think you would be simply amazed at what you will find on some friend pages, and maybe even on his wall.

As written elsewhere on these forums I believe it is good to talk with kids about what they put/write on facebook/myspace and tell them exactly what can happen when that prospective coach or employer checks it out.

quote:

His attitude was to allow alcohol consumption by his teen with him in his home, because "they are going to be faced with it anyway and I might as well show him how."

The best example is to be a role model. My kids have never seen me buzzed. They have never seen me drive a car after having more than one drink at dinner. We don't have alcohol in the house unless it's left over from a party.

One time when my daughter had friends over (high school years), someone discovered leftover alcohol from a party in the basement family room. When I realized what had happened I made every kid who drove his own car call his parents. I told them there was no way I was going to condone leaving my house driving a car after drinking. I told kids who didn't drive to tell their parents they drank our alcohol before I told them. I randomly checked. The kids I checked on told their parents.

No way, no how are we going to get a reputation of a party house even though we have a beautiful basement that looks like a sports bar (previous owner was a bookie). We have kids over all the time. We don't care how many come over and how often as long as they behave. And they have to be friends. There's no "Party at RJM's" going around the high school.

quote:

we have a beautiful basement that looks like a sports bar (previous owner was a bookie).

Party at RJM's house!

But seriously, folks ...

As to how prevalent is drinking: I regret to say, very much so, though then again, probably no more so than in our own time.

My son has always maintained good relationships with his teammates, but I often wondered why he didn't hang out with them more. He found his closest friends in other places. I worried that he was ostracizing himself among his teammates somehow, and truth be told he is sometimes a bit p r i ckly. (Wonder where he got that from?)

Well, one day I guess I pressed the point a bit, and he finally told me that "some of the people you're talking about, I'm there and they start drinking, and I have to leave." Now, I'm not so naive as to not know that lots of high school kids drink, but for some of the guys he was talking about it truly did surprise me.

So the bad news is, even a lot of "good kids" are drinking (at least). I hold out hope that they at least drink responsibly. And I do have some sympathy here in that we do seem to be a generation of hypocrites ourselves, since we allowed ourselves to drink beer legally at 18 but we don't allow our children's generation the same privileges.

On the positive side, the conversation with my son told me something about him that put my mind greatly at ease. I'm still not sure if this is a matter of moral strength, or just that son is so goal oriented that he simply will not risk getting caught doing something that would put his goals at risk. If I'm lucky, maybe it's both. I will say, I sleep pretty well at night even with him now off at college. And I no longer ask him his reasons for his choices in friends.

In the essence of fairness, I want to change my response. . . I have read everyone's posts, and I too have been in this very situation in which I was basing my answer to go to the parents or mature sister first. .

Our situation was one of a close friend, both kid and parents (though divorced) and it worked out nicely, things weren't as bad as "early rumors" dictated, but it was bad enough to address. . .

With more info given here, I love Midlo Dad's post. . his thoughts are well groomed and apply (IMO) best to this situation which what info we have to go on. . .

This topic really got me to thinking. . if we require that the bar be raised or participation is zero tolerance . ..it makes all situations better for all sons! I know there are some great kids that get into trouble, but if this kid keeps up his "summer job" it will eventually catch up to him. . then the good kids really do get the rewards because they are the ones left standing from doing the RIGHT thing!

I too have been thankful and very lucky as my kid sounds just like Midlos kid. . .he actually stays home with us, and for ages we worried. ..finally asked him why, and his response was. . ."why would I risk it. . .I like them. . . but I like me better"

Great thoughts everyone! Thanks for making me think a little outside my comfort zone, and digging a little deeper for what I truly believe is right.

Its this simple. . "JUST DO THE RIGHT THING - PERIOD"

The key word in the initial post is "heard"---if it cannot be substantiated then I say stay out of it---rumors can ruin a players life not to mention the family

I wasn’t going to post anything on this thread but there seemed to be an important factor that was missing from the discussion.

It's unfortunate but this subject is a familiar one. I'm sure it's familiar with most of our posters that still have kids at home. And everyone is correct, it really isn’t that much different then when we were kids, except for the consequences that is.

When we hear these stories, the parent in us wants to first, protect our own kids. Then we want to help the kid that’s messing up. And messing up they are, drinking or drugs, either one has a high probability of leading to at least one ruined life. Mandatory drug sentences and strictly enforced DUI penalties are no laughing matter. Just because we managed to survive the stupid things we did doesn't mean our kids will get the same breaks.

The real tragedy though is that getting arrested is not the worst thing that can happen. What about the family of four that's in the other car when a chemically enhanced teenager crosses the center line? What about the younger siblings at home when a teenage drug dealer gets himself killed in a deal gone bad? What about the other kids in the car that get hurt when the driver blows through a stop sign because the beer he had slowed his reaction time a bit more than he realizes? I know I'm being a little melodramatic, but these things do happen.... far too often. All you have to do is read the newspaper. Many times the kid at the center of the situation got started in a relatively benign way; a little pot, a couple of beers, maybe a pill or two. Could something have been done to stop him while there was still time?

All I'm trying to say is, at the very least, the kid messing up is choosing to do it. The same thing cannot be said about the people they hurt. I'm a firm believer in 2nd chances and 3rd chances or whatever it takes to help someone that wants help. Heck, I love kids and I hate to see anyone get into trouble (my Mom said it’s because of a guilty conscience). But, I am an even bigger believer in trying to prevent innocent people from suffering.

Would a quick visit from a cop promote a change in behavior faster than a discussion with another kid, a teacher, a coach or a parent? I think so. I know it would for me. But that approach may not be the best in every case.

RJM – I feel for you man, do what you think is best. Talk to the kid, his sister, his parents, the coach or the cops but do talk to someone. Help is available if you need it. Oh, and the most important part, pray that everything works out. My mistake, make that the first thing you do, not the last.

OK, excuse me while I put my soapbox back under the table…..

Three words TR... you are wrong.

If someone heard my kid was using and dealing, I sure hope they would do SOMETHING and if it was a friend or even an acquaintance, I hope that they would tell me what they heard. I may not be happy to hear it, but better that than to hear it from a cop standing on my doorstep after my kid is arrested or worse.

How exactly would you substantiate it - try to buy some dope from the kid? Ask if you can smoke with him? Because the people he's selling to/smoking with sure aren't going to give you a straight answer and they're the only ones who know for sure.

Do whatever you are comfortable with, but by all means, do something.

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Just because we managed to survive the stupid things we did doesn't mean our kids will get the same breaks.

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The real tragedy though is that getting arrested is not the worst thing that can happen. What about the family of four that's in the other car when a chemically enhanced teenager crosses the center line? What about the younger siblings at home when a teenage drug dealer gets himself killed in a deal gone bad? What about the other kids in the car that get hurt when the driver blows through a stop sign because the beer he had slowed his reaction time a bit more than he realizes?

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I know I'm being a little melodramatic, but these things do happen.... far too often.

I don't think so, OK2Go.

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This leads to a question. How prevelant do you think drinking is on a high school baseball or football team. I personally think that quiet a few of the juniors and seniors have a beer or two at parties around town. I'm not saying I condone it, and I would not allow it at a party at my house, but I feel it happens. I know it happpened in the 70's when I was that age. I know thing are different with strickter DUI laws but kids are still kids.
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According to my son, most of the kids in his public high school "drink and smoke pot". That is the reason he gave me for not hanging out with them.

Situation handled, at least from my responsibility:

I ran into the coach. We chatted for a while. I was taking his mood temperature to see if this was a good time to drop a potential bomb on him. I asked him if knew there was a rumor he has a pot dealer in his program. He asked if I knew ****** was kicked off the team for being arrested for possession. I told him that's not who I've heard about. Then he told me the arrested kid outed the dealer to him but not the police. He said he had a talk with the kid. But he can't do more without any evidence. He can't be sure the arrested kid isn't just taking down the rumored kid. But he's watching it is closely as he can. They had been competing for the same position. The arrested kid lost out.

For me it's cased closed. A person in the school district (coach) is aware of the situation. I told my son he better not be seen with this kid outside the classroom. I don't even want to hear they're talking in the hallway or sitting together in the cafeteria.

This kid is an honors student. He's not going any further than high school with sports. His academics could get him a full ride to a lot of colleges. His sister is on a full ride (athletic and academic) to a pretigious academic university. I hope he straightens out before he gets in serious trouble.