Need advice on dealing with my son

Oh boy how I can ever relate.  My wife was beside herself when my now sophomore son as at this age.  All I could do was tell her that he would mature and grow out of it.  I knew from experience because my son was/is just like me.  I was tossed from a middle school basketball game in 7th or 8th grade and that was my last really major dust up.

I hated to lose at anything.  Fight my older sister or younger brother if they beat me in the driveway in hoops or beat me in any type of game.  My son was much the same.  Son never got in trouble at school.  Great reviews about him from teachers all the way through elementary and middle school.  Only one teacher (male) ever made a comment about him being really competitive on the playground.

When my son was 12 I was complaining to a guy on another team that my son played against about this issue with my son.  This guy played in the CWS and several years in the Majors winning a World Series.  I made a comment about this exact issue and his words to me were basically don't you dare dampen that competitive fire as once he grows up it will serve him well and that he wished his sons had it because they wouldn't make it very long in the game moving forward.  He said your son isn't a bad teammate or uncoachable so just teach him how to cope with disappointment a little better.  He assured me it would be fine long term.

  Fast forward about four years and he was right.  My son has matured and uses this "spirit" as an advantage.  One of the toughest competitors you see.  Does he occasionally do something that makes me cringe?  Do I wish he wouldn't give the occasional glare at a home plate blue when he thinks he was somehow slighted?  Sure, but he is still a 16 year old trying to figure it all out. 

If he is doing well at school, gets along with others and is a good teammate I imagine it will all work out as he matures.  Talk to him about appropriate reactions to certain disappointments but don't try to dampen his burning desire to win.  Good luck.  It's cliche around these parts but it seems yesterday my not so little guy was only 9.

Hey IEBSBL,

I'm guessing this is a fairly common bond many of us here share.  Cabbage is my youngest of three (he is now 20) and is the only child with the hyper-competitive nature that I had.  Same deal.  When he was that age, EVERYTHING was a competition that he had to win.  I would try to think of things to do that were completely non-competitive to do together.  Go to the movies?  He had to be first in line or get front row middle seats and then be first out.  At that age, losses would ruin his day and he, in turn, would ruin the day for others.

Some things I learned, albeit painfully and by trial AND ERROR...

-Yes, compliment his competitive fire but do not accept it as an excuse to treat people poorly or be anything other than a good teammate, brother, son, classmate, citizen, etc. at any time.

-House rules are not put on hold because he had a bad day at the field.

-Emphasize and be clear about the importance of being a good teammate.  Provide guidelines and point out examples at every opportunity.

-Remind him from time to time that his love for competition is satisfied largely with the privilege of playing organized sports but if he cannot find the positive enjoyment in sport, win or lose, it is a privilege that will be removed.

-Expose him to lots of things that show how important it is to be considerate of others - volunteer events, community involvement, visiting senior homes, etc.  Something on a personal level is even better.  Get him involved in sponsoring an underprivileged child who he can write to or otherwise interact with.  He will start to realize life doesn't revolve around his wins and losses. 

-Be clear that you are proud of his competitive achievements but always more proud of his behavior as a good person.

Today, Cabbage still has his competitive nature, for sure, but we couldn't be more proud of how he has matured and found balance and understands what is really important.

Uh, I can relate!  Its not uncommon and very much a part of their competitive nature.

It's learning how to handle it and cabbagedad nailed it!

Thank you guys very much!  You have made me laugh, smile, and be at ease.

I like Cabbagedad's reply and the only thing I would add, is around that age my son went through a phase where he wore his emotions on his sleeve , especially when things were not going well. After many fruitless discussions on body language; we filmed him. Set it up on the TV for him to watch and my wife and I walked out of the room, Not another word was said , and it had the desired outcome. He had to see for himself what we were talking about.

I forget where i heard this originally but "baseball (particularly hitting) is a sport of failure. You get up to bat 10 times, you get out 7 out of those 10 times. Youve got a .300 batting average. Your a hero" on the other side of that coin, if you missed 7 of 10 foul shots, you would be a nightmare! Its unlike other sports that way. I believe it was Ted Williams who once said that hitting a baseball is the hardest thing to do in professional sports. Im not saying to tell your kid to expect to fail. but let them know that in baseball, its going to happen. how you react, learn from it, and use it to your advantage in your next at bat is what makes the difference. 

I'm going to say that, for the most part, I agree with what everyone here has said.  However, you (OP) weren't very specific in what your son was doing in terms of "at times when he loses or calls do not go his way he doesn't know how to handle it."  You do not want to diminish his competitive spirit.  All good baseball players are very competitive.  My son is very, very competitive, but more in the Tom Glavine type of way in that he rarely displays that competitiveness outwardly during a game.  There are guys who display their displeasure in constructive ways and then there are guys who display that displeasure in destructive ways.

We had a kid that played with us at 13 and 14 years old.  He was a very good ballplayer and very competitive.  However, when things did not go his way, he displayed his displeasure in very destructive, negative ways.  If he was pitching, and he didn't get a call, he would take his hat off and bang it against his leg and sometimes say something to the ump.  Or he would hang his head and talk to himself out on the mound.  If he made an error in the field, he would throw his glove on the ground and stomp around.  He would come into the dugout after a strike out and throw his helmet.  All these things are signs that he was a competitive kid.  However, he would let this stuff get to him and most of the time, his performance would suffer because he was so mad about what an ump did or what he did that was less than his expectations of what should have happened.  Once something happened that didn't go his way, he was almost useless in terms of what he could do afterwards.  His competitiveness and his being hard on himself had a negative impact on him.  It also affected the team.  When things started going bad with him, the other kids would obviously stay away from him.  They didn't want to be around him because he was so upset and negative.  It affected everyone.

So, my point is, depending on how your son is acting and how his competitiveness affects his performance and the performance and cohesiveness of the team, you may need to take steps to curtail his behavior without stomping out his competitiveness.  In the case of the kid I am talking about above, we eventually had to kick him off the team.  It just got too bad and we could not keep any kind of reins on him.  

I don't know if this is your son, or what your son will become, but there are definitely limits as to what behaviors are acceptable.  He may need to be benched, or he may need to have some other kind of consequence to reign in his behavior.  I can't say this is the case with your son because you were very vague with your description.  I'm just saying you don't want him to grow up to be "that kid".   It will be much easier to nip it in the bud when he is younger than to wait until he is 14 or 15 and in high school with negative behaviors ingrained in him.  

Hope this makes sense and you don't take it like I'm bashing your son.  I don't know, just trying to cover all the bases.

Second this sentiment completely.

When the opportunities present themselves, help him find constructive ways to channel his strong competitive nature. For example, the development of good practice habits is entirely consistent with his urge to win.

Best wishes to the both of you as you walk down the path!

bballman - You make the important distinction between being a positive competitor and one who can become a source of negative energy for his team.  I was about to give my boy (11 yr old) the "death penalty" last month, but my wife and his coach talked me out of it.  The coaches have now told him that stomping around on the field after committing an error will get him benched.  Good coaches, they tend to be more patient than I am which is good.  I do think it will work because he wants to play badly enough.  It is important that he respects the coaches and knows they don't bluff.

I have thought that videoing a tantrum and showing it to him would be effective, I just need to have my phone ready. 

IEBSBL - I'd suggest that you work with the coaches on this.  The message can be more effective coming from them.

Ditto on all these comments.  I had so many conversation with my kid about his poor attitude when he struck out/made an error/lost that I could put it on a recording.  in fact, that is the only time I yelled at him on the field as it was embarrassing for the whole family.  Slowly, but surely, it subsided.  However, I can still see it and I some time get upset internally.  Others tell me they see nothing.  Maybe I have become hypersensitive.  Anyway, keep talking and videotaping.  It will get better. 

This is a great thread and useful on many fronts to hear all the views.  Regarding "competitive equating to winning at all costs" and showing emotions toward making a mistake I think I may have a slightly different situation...my son wears his emotions on his sleeve and when he makes a mistake/error/strikeout he gets down on himself - visibly seen by his body language.  It's not necessarily his competitive fire to win the game but rather his personal disappointment of making the mistake...hard on himself...his immediate reaction is to hit is glove, drop his shoulders, and somewhat give up on the play.  He tolerates others making a mistake...its only his mistake that gets him down.  So many conversations of how "the play is not over", "letting the team down by compounding a mistake by another mistake", and all the clichés of baseball is a game of failure, etc.   He is 12 and sometimes handles things better now but the personal failure is what gets him more than the competitive nature to win the game.  I had coaches/instructors ask me if he is a straight "A" student...and he is...they say they have seen it before...used to being perfect or near perfect in school...and not being able to replicate it on the baseball field.   Tough game but great life lessons every day...

 It takes a very long time for most players to learn that failure is a very large part of the game. He is 12, and you can't really expect him to keep those emotions inside when he feels that he let his team down. 

Everyone takes a turn at this, whether you are a hitter or a pitcher.  I can't say that it gets better, because hating to lose and feeling personal responsibility never goes away, its how you handle it that makes it better and that comes as the player matures.

I also might add that after all of these years I now know when to call after a game and when not to! 

Don't sweat this.  It'll take care of itself.  If he plays the game long enough, he'll suffer his fair share of losing.  Every game has one winning team and one losing team, after all.

Very few players have the luxury of moving on to playing in their adult years.  For the rest of the world, baseball is not just great fun but a great teacher.  Learning about the inevitability of setbacks, and the necessity of putting yourself out there over and over again after every one of them, is one of the game's great lessons.  Another lesson is that no matter what happened yesterday, there's another shot coming tomorrow.  Perseverance paired with optimism.

This is why it burns me up to see youth leagues that don't keep score.  People who do that have lost their way and their children suffer. 

According to his family, Cal Ripken, Jr. couldn't stand to lose at any childhood games, breaking rules and cheating if necessary-he had a hugely fierce competitive streak and was a horrible loser.

 He turned out okay.