Parental discipline question

I have a hard time using a team sport as a punishment for my kids.  If it was me I would find something else.  My son would hate his car taken away and my daughter couldn't live with out her phone.

Agreed Backstop. Though mine are pretty well grown I always wanted a punishment that went beyond a one time deal. Something that would remind them repeatedly. Besides, I always said, if my kid was a violinist would I stop lessons or a recital as a punishment? A week without his video games usually worked.

+1

How do you know when a 13 year old is lying? 

 

His lips are moving. 

 

I agree that I wouldn't pull him from a team sport.  We usually take away computer, xbox, friends, etc.  or have him to some extra work.  Sounds like some extra math work would do it.  Good luck. 

 

Thanks.  Cooler heads are prevailing. 

I never disciplined my kids by taking sports away. There was plenty to take away at home or groundings other than school and sports. If I did ground my kids from sports I would make them apologize to the team for not being there for them due to his/her actions.

A couple of years ago my (now 15YO) son disrespected his mother. So as a punsishment he had to write a 500 word essay for me on respect. 

 

He expected me taking something way (XBox, TV, phone), and knew I would never stop him from a team game. The look on his face was priceless. Because who has to write an essay for their father?!

 

Anyway it worked. 

Up through age thirteen I would ask my kids what they felt their punishment should be. They were tougher on themselves than I would have been. So I used their punishment and paroled them early for good behavior. By fourteen they didn't think they should be punished.

"Parental Discipline Question"

 

I've been trying to figure out how to discipline parents for a long time.  Sorry, couldn't resist.

In a similar thread a long time ago, I made the same argument as others here that you shouldn't penalize the team for his actions and I still generally agree.  However, I also think it is important that the kid knows sports are on the table to be pulled if the action warrants.  If that is the hottest button to push, it should be considered.  Before I took that action, though, I'd check to make sure the team has enough players to play the game/s in question.

 

When he gets to HS, there are certainly circumstances where his actions can result in ineligibility to play (grades, attendance, suspension, etc.).  This has the same effect on hurting the team.

 

 

At one of the colleges my son attended, a player missing study hall etc. caused the entire team to run...early in the am.....more then once.  It was a self-policing solution as the other players were all over the guys f....ing up.  I think one kid ended up in a trash can after everyone ran.  Perhaps your son's coach has a similar policy and he needs to be informed of the problem?

When I screwed up the house got clean gutters, a side walk (dug the ditch for the cement), bigger lawn, cleared a couple thousand square feet of underbrush and weeds, and a few new trees, in holes I dug.  And a few other things in that vain.

 

Won't cut grass to this day.

It's good that you want to nip this in the bud, now before it's too late. I always told my boys that lies will catch up with you, and once you lie, and think you've gotten away with it, future lying just starts to come easier and habit forming. Til it's to the point where it gets difficult to remember what lies you've told & to be able even to keep your own stories straight. And that every time you lie, you're robbing yourself. For each time, you lose that much more credibility. And like the cry wolf story, once you've been caught in a lie, and you will get caught,sometime when you really need to be believed, you just may not be. It takes a long time to rebuild trust, once trust is broken. I also told my boys that the lie would always get them in more trouble than what they are lying about.
I would not suggest not allowing him to participate in something that he has made a commitment to. He needs to honor that. There are other ways of disciplining.
1. Discuss these things with him.
2. Make him apologize to his Tutor, and work off the expense of that tutoring session.
3. Take away social privledges.
4. Take away all technical devices, iPhone, iPad, iPod, PC, Cell Phone, Video Games, TV...
5. Make him read a book on lying, and write what he learned from the book.

I ran a tough ship, raised good boys who became good men, employees, husbands and fathers.
Who continue on in raising their children with firm but fair discipline.

I had a parent pull a kid once for discipline on an out of town trip at the last minute, team made it to the finals and ran out of pitching halfway through the game.  The kid was my number 2 pitcher.  I told the dad the lessons he taught his son was it's ok to let down teammates, it's ok not to live up to your commitments and team doesn't matter it's all about the individual.  

This is all good stuff. Love the essay idea. When 2016 was in 1st year of LL he did something at home/school. Not a huge deal but we got the coach to walk him out to the outfield fence after a game. Called him  out of the dugout to walk out with him. Walked slowly. At fence told him that he was important to the team (not at that time but said it just the same)but if he did not straighten up he would not be a part of it.

Zero problems after that.

Ever since then all I have to say is 'does you need some fence time?' and whatever is going on ends.

I always felt that the punishment should fit the crime.   My kids knew that if they did not do as well in school as expected that their extra curricular school or recreational activities could be suspended. You came home late, you lost the car, you talked back, no phone, etc.  Seems like I was always taking something from my daughter, but son, the youngest did ok.

 

In middle school (the OP's sons age) they had to report to their travel coaches as to their grades and if they got in trouble at home/school, he in turn usually made them sit out.  I liked the idea of them working together, it set great examples for later in life.

       
       


Totally disagree! JMO

       
       


This was Teacher Appreciation Week, This approach, makes me feel about the position the Coach was placed in this situation, was much like our Teacher's and School Faculty are placed in.
Meaning: Coaches are there to coach. Teacher's are there to teach. Parents are to be there to parent their own children, so it doesn't fall on Coaches and Teachers to do / accomplish things that the Parents should be doing at home in the first place. It all starts at home! And yes...this is strongly JMO!

This is not a case of a parent shirking responsibility or a coach stepping across a line, this is a case of a parent and coach working together.  I think it's great.

 

Reminds me of when my youngest was 3 years old, and he was causing a ruckus in the back seat of the car with his siblings.  It got so crazy his mom had to pull over on the freeway to break things up.  A police officer pulled up thinking she needed some sort of help, and she said "officer, can you tell my son it is not ok to fight with his siblings and distract his mom while driving!".  The police officer had him step out of the car, stand at attention while he told him how dangerous his behavior could be, and let him off "with a warning".  Worked like a charm.  From there forward whenever he acted up we'd say "do we have to call the police?"

I text our coach yesterday and had my son sit the first 3 innings for disrespecting us that morning. We won the game anyway but I did struggle with whether or not I should have interfered with the team. Good posts here, thinking I will not choose that form of punishment in the future.

Unless there was prior agreement it was not your place to ask someone else to discipline your son for what he did.  I am glad that you realize that now.
Sit down with him and set some ground rules and the consequences. 
More importantly parents should not be afraid to discipline their kids. 
JMO

RE:Shelby

If you have coaches who are only involved/care about in what happens between the lines then congratulations on your son making it into professional baseball. We have been fortunate to have coaches at every level and sport take an interest in how our son develops, including grades and behavior. They actually like the fact that they know we are all on the same page.

I dont have a problem with everyone working together but my opinion is not to let them (the coaches) be the disciplinarians and not to use baseball every time they mess up. 
What worked for us was that we made it clear that baseball and school went hand in hand. He always had good grades so that was never an issue.  Maybe because we always stressed that school was more important than baseball. 
But I get the point that parents should be the  disciplinarians ot those responsible for raising the kids.

       
       
Re: runitout,
What your reaction to my reply of my opinion, reminded me of something that we came to hear at parent - teacher conferences, etc. over & over, while our sons were growing up. And it surprised me every time. 1. we always backed the Teacher, 2. that we held our sons accountable. 3. we worked together at home, with a Teacher's suggestions. 4.that the Teacher's, Coach's etc. didn't have to co-parent or parent.

I am all for Coach's instilling character building, life lesson skills in our young Athletes. But, until I have lived under the same roof of an athletic coach, known his views and beliefs, I am not of the opinion that I would ever choose for them to be disciplining my child, unless it pertained to his actions that this Coach was coaching them on. And believe, over the years, our boys had some excellent men in instructing the fundamentals and mechanics of a sport,  but also of whom I had no personal respect for as a person. All the more why,I feel some things belong handled at home. If it pertains to grades, the school would already have a policy in place. If it pertains of a personal nature, then that responsibility lies firmly on our shoulders, the Parents. Not a Teacher, not a Coach. That is why we are the parents.I can only imagine how a Coach would feel, when tryouts came around. Having to weigh the Pros and Cons that come with a player, and which to decide. Don't get me wrong, I feel that sport's are a wonderful thing for young people. I just do not feel personal issues, outside of sports, fall to the responsibility of a Coach to handle. Other than, if they missed X number of games / practice, they would be dropped from the team. But, I do not believe in using sports, or organizations that a child has commited to, as an appropriate form of punishment. This is teaching them that they do not have to honor their commitments. There are other ways to discipline. 

And although Coaches never had to take on those roles with our sons, particularly 2013, they do still follow him, keep in touch with him, and message me about him...
Have no delusions of son playing beyond College ball. Recovering from TJ surgery last Summer. He is the Head Coach of a 13U Travel Baseball Team. Won their doubleheader games last night. Working towards degrees in: Sport's Management, Business, and Sport's Law.

Must have struck a nerve, not my intention. There are no magic books to read that give parents all the answers on parenting. Most of us do the best we can, by trial and error. Every child is different. The dynamics of each family, are different.  What may work for one, may not work for another. Just throwing out there, what worked for us, and giving an opinion.  Yes, I raised 3 pretty good boys, that have turned into good men. Where they perfect little Angels?  Hell no! Could I have gone thru my entire life, without hearing some of the things that got passed me? Hell yes!
Happy Mother's Day! Very appropriate today!

I agree with your point, and FWIW every single one of our sons coaches, middle school through college really cared about son, and what he did and didn't do on the field and off. I know in HS we got a call from his HS coach telling us that he felt that son should stay away from one of his friends on the team. He had been seen at a party drinking and he didn't feel it was his place to go back to the parents but would address with the players at the next practice.  He felt that son had a great future and didn't want to see anything happen.  The player hit a tree one night (raining) and because the cop who stopped knew who he was he let him off the hook, he had been drinking but no one was hurt.

It had already been made clear to son by the coach and us that he was to stay clear and not go in his car. Without the concern of the coach our son could have been in that car that night.

So I understand what you are saying, not that it is their job to discipline but be concerned and speak to them if they feel the need, absolutely.

 

I truly feel that our son would never have gotten as far as he has without all the help and concern that his coaches showed.

       
       

I totally agree on the positive influences that a Coach can have on a player. Some of the life lasting relationships that can come between a Coach and a player. Our son has been blessed that way. And it has been immeasurable, and really has meant a lot to all of us. As a mentor, friend,  beyond their years after Coaching our son. But disciplinarian never came into play. Never had to.