I have had this hanging around for some time and figured we could use a little humor. All in fun PG, your guys are a class act.
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October 20, 2010, Des Moines Iowa**
Perfect Game Introduces In Vitro Fertilization Service (InVeet FS)
In a bold move to get ahead of the competition Perfect Game introduced today the “Perfect Baseball In Vitro Fertilization Service, branded as “PG InVeet FS tm”
Said Jerry Ford perfect game president. “We finally figured out that all of this ranking stuff really did not mean anything” the key to being a successful baseball athlete really starts with the genes” If you want to be a great baseball player you must have the genes, everything else is just a bunch of guys sitting around marking random stuff on a clip board” After 10 years of observing and ranking players from PG Infant, PG Toddler, PG Adolescent, PG Youth, PG Little Johnny, PG Teen, PG High School, PG College, and PG Cadaver, we could not figure out how great baseball players came about. We finally found the key by cross-referencing MLB players with every athlete that has been ranked a 9.5 or above in our database. It turned out that every one of them had a former professional athlete in their family tree. We did note that a couple did make it to the MLB, which were data aberrations, and besides most were from the south which is known for some cross pollination. (if you get our drift). We are also pretty sure there was some hanky panky going on”
After months of negotiations with the Major League Baseball Players Association we came up with a great idea. The MLPA has agreed to provide sperm from the top athletes in the MLB. Our great marketing department came up with the “PG InVeet FS tm” name and Whalla we were in business. We are offering the following introductory specials:
Pitchers Mound
Cy Young Special.
(Only ones we could still find alive, it was just too weird to be digging around in someone’s grave). BTW we made sure that Tim Lincecum’s sperm out-gassed long enough so don’t worry.
Flame throwers.
95MPH + throwers. You know who they are. No - their dads did not use their own radar guns.
Weird guys that seem to get people out.
Rolly Fingers, Johanthon Papplbon, etc.
Big Boppers.
(no not what your thinking)
Small Ball Special
(again not what your thinking)
On base heroes.
Ichiro, Ricky Henderson, etc.
Ted Williams Special.
Were not sure how this happened but we found some Ted Williams frozen sperm with his head.
Defensive Indifference
Everyone knows that baseball is about pitching and hitting so we did not bother.
Grab Bag:
Random selection of sperm. For those who do not want to seem like they are trying to predetermine their children’s path.
A-Rod Special booty club
A-Rod has become tired of bopping all of the actresses and singers in New York he figured it might be fun to do the hokey poky with some regular moms. To join this club you must first send in advance your picture with your measurements and sign a special 20 page Non Disclosure and Personal Release contract developed by his agent Scott BoarA$$ as well as agree to a 5% royalty agreement on all future earnings from your son. In addition, you must agree to put a life-sized picture of A-Rod above your mantle. (at least until your son signs his first Major League contract) There is also a special release stating that you are aware that your son will be narcissistic.
Managers Specials:
As odd as it may sound, some customers actually wanted their offspring to look like Joe Torre, so we have a manager’s special. (Were not really sure why, but hey we’ll take the money)
You are probably wondering what happens if you have a girl…Well there is always college softball, so at least your investment will break even, when offset by the cost of a college education. We have also hired a nutritionist who has developed a special “boy only diet” It’s really not that complicated, you just eat carrots and drink carrot juice for 6 months straight.
We also have a repeat users discount for those who want to build their own team from scratch.
For those who outgrow their hometown with their perfect child and want to find a place where they can play baseball 24x7x365 days a year, we have arranged for discount from OCB’s Perfect Child Moving Service. His company will fly you, and your prodigal son, in his personal Lear Jet to any one of his hand picked cities. You will stay at the nearest Four Seasons while your personal belongings are moved into your new home complete with adjacent baseball field.
If you have to ask how much all this costs then……..well…. don’t bother calling.
Additional information is available at the perfect game website or at:
www.myperfectbaseballplayer.com
** We got the hell out of Cedar Rapids as this place became just too small for a company as perfect as ours. We were thinking about Chicago but with Obama (by now everyone knows he will be another one termer ala Jimmy Carter) planning his Presidential library there we figured we would get more attention in Des Moines, plus with the Oprah thing going on, well you know, we just would not be that big a deal there.
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