Phone calls from depressed freshman

I have heard from friends that they always make things sound worse to their mommas. My son was a "little miserable" before baseball or school started. I told him he made his choices based on baseball and I didn't want to hear any whining before baseball had even started. He seems fine now. He came home for the weekend and we went to a Razorback football game. He said he didn't really care - that he had his own school and his own team now. Maybe just give him a little time and remember its probably not as bad as he is telling you.

My son has called me a few times with a panic tone.
They simply do not have the frame of reference and life experiences that we do. In my own son's case he tended to see the gloom and doom first, and the potential solution second.

It is probably their first instinct to express their anxiety to us as parents whom they are used to dealing with. It has been our experience that the coaches have let him deal on his own, with great success - just a little more patience.

curveball ...

From my perspective, I would just suggest that the mom ensure the pipeline for communication is open and that she stays in touch with him on a regular basis to 'hear' how he is, even if he doesn't say specifically. If she starts to hear these bemoanings on a regular basis, it may be worth it to get in touch with the coaching staff and/or the sports psychologist that most schools have. One can never be too diligent about these things just because, as iheartbb said, our youngsters don't have the life experiences or perspectives to see things the way they can be if given a little time.

Try not to take things too seriously in the first few weeks. It is a big transition and it can be very hard to adjust, no matter how much they wanted to go and no matter how much they wanted to be where they are. Be sympathetic but encouraging and most times things will sort themselves out. Sometimes it's easier to communicate in ways other than the phone - email or text messaging, for example - because just the sound of your voice can create feelings of sadness or loneliness that aren't necessarily there at other times.

Having said that, the thing that caught my eye on this thread was the "depressed freshman" title. Parents should all be aware that true depression frequently manifests when young adults leave home for the first time. Kids are not with people who know them as they usually are, and signs of real problems can be overlooked by roommates or school officials who don't realize that the behavior they are witnessing is not common for this person. While it's rare that kids develop full blown depression, parents should still look for signs that it may be more than just homesickness or sadness at being away from home.

We have our share of mental illness in our family (and no, in spite of what my kids would tell you, it's not me!) so our awareness has always been a bit elevated. Like all the other things we parents worry about, this one is on the list, but not necessarily at the top.

Good post mythreesons!

I believe almost all freshmen have "moments" of homesickness, questioning, and frustration. It's a normal part of the adjustment and transition. Not just with boys and baseball players neither.

However, those adjustments can be overwhelming for some due to other circumstances and it's always a good thing for us moms and dads to stay involved and observant of their tone, what they say or don't say, and behavioral changes.

My own freshman daughter sounds great one minute and then not so hot the next. However, she was home for labor day and couldn't wait to get back!

The cautions about true depression are good to remember, but as others have also said, in most cases freshman homesickness will soon pass.

My son who is now 22 went off to college only 80 miles away. I didn't find out until a year or two later that in the first month at college, he was very homesick (missing friends, family, home...everything that was familiar and reassuring) and at times wished he could be back home. But he never actually considered NOT staying, and by the end of the Fall baseball season, he was so happy with his new friends, team, independence...that he told me he knew he had chosen the perfect school for him. On the other hand, my younger son who is now 20 was never seriously homesick when he went to college.

Best wishes to your friend's child, and to all of our freshmen on their exciting journeys!

Julie

I agree with the moms who say to let it ride but also be aware. When you get on that phone, sympathize, but also ask what is going good! If you can focus them on what is good about where they are, things start to turn around. Are they in a beautiful place? Did they turn a great double play in practice? Did they have a good hit? Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative - is how the song goes.
We become what we think.
'It's like you to .....get along with everyone well.
.............be able to make new friends.... help a teammate out......do well in english class... figure out those hard math problems......" that's the kind of conversation to have.
Certainly if there is a problem, get them to the campus dr/psychologist/. My daughter had a very bad reaction to an antibiotic and went in to a depression - it was scary but she went immediately back to the dr and got it changed. Every campus has a clinic and a dr to help. Use it - you are paying for it. No need to be tough guy!

I appreciate all of your thoughts and I will be passing them on. I do think being a freshman playing baseball is a lot to digest.

I am not sure I should have used "depressed" as the word to describe my friend's son. I think maybe discouraged and frustrated would be a better description. Those feelings can easily translate into depression.

I know my son last fall was overwhelmed with classes, homework, and all of the practices and running. Did I mention running? His body shape definitely had changed when he came home for Christmas.

My son is now a sophomore at a D2 and loves not being the new kid on the block. He also realizes that he still has to work his butt off to get onto the playing field because there are new freshmen and others breathing down his neck.

How are some of the other freshman & other players doing this fall adjusting? I think the stories will help all the parents.

My son is at a JC. It is a 40 minute drive each way. There are over 100 kids trying out. he was recruited but its still a dogfight as they say.
He is planning on moving into an apartment in next couple of weeks to be closer.
But just driving there and when weights start next week he will be up out of the house by 530 every day. He has weights in the morning and practice everyday. He has fundraisers to work with and the drive and 14 units. Even at a JC its an adjustment.
Classes are harder they expect you to be an adult which they are growing into that role.
A lot of kids struggle when they go away they say the first semester is the hardest. At least my son has home to come to for now with hot food and homemade meals. I think it would be a big adjustment for anyone esp. when you add baseball to it. Its a lot of work, they are the new kid, alot of adjustments.
Most experts say really make them stick it out for the first year and then they do a lot better. Hope it gets better next time he calls.
Hes probably stressed with class load, baseball load, will he make team? will he play? can he hack it?a lot going on inside his head I am sure of that. And like a previous poster said you are what you think that is a very accurate comment.
Just keep pumping him up and encouraging and listen without always trying to fix. best of wishes. everyone keep postin to telll us how the fall ball and school is going.

I think it's normal for anyone to be homesick when they first leave home for a new place to live but not depressed. I just found out recently that son was very homesick when he first became a professional, mostly more homesick for his college buddies and coaches. So even after living on his own for three years he felt a bit out of place.
At college, mine had great coaches who made sure that they didn't have time to THINK about being homesick. That's the key. I remember moving son into his dorm and the coach came by a few hours later to round everyone up to go to dinner and movie, but they had already taken off somewhere to keep themselves busy. Boy was he disappointed!

The player needs to be encouraged to keep busy, make new friends and not call home everyday. However, if the parent feels he is depressed, that is a whole different issue.

Atleast the kid calls! My son seems to be having so much fun he doesn't call much. We've talked in short bursts (its been 2 weeks) but it's hard to have a good long conversation w/o him getting interupted. Oh well, I'm sure all my questions will be answered eventually.

quote:

How are some of the other freshman & other players doing this fall adjusting? I think the stories will help all the parents.

I think you are right!!

quote:

My son seems to be having so much fun he doesn't call much. We've talked in short bursts (its been 2 weeks) but it's hard to have a good long conversation w/o him getting interupted.

We are in the same boat.
Especially the " without getting interrupted " part.

I'm making a roadtrip & going to watch him play tomorrow.
Thats the perfect " mom-leverage "!! ( snicker snicker )
Threatened him with- if I dont get my questions answered via either: text, email, or phone call before hand,.... I promised to run out on the field and plant a big SMOOOCH on him.
( Added arsenal: while wearing my bathrobe and slippers!!! )

Its an adjustment not only for the boys, but for the ones left back home as well. My daughter is the one who is making the most noise. She's missing her brother.
Who woulda' thunk?
The teenie bopper who was famous for stating in a high pitched voice " I'm sick of baseball " all last year, is already packed for the drive & game tomorrow.

quote:

The teenie bopper who was famous for stating in a high pitched voice " I'm sick of baseball " all last year, is already packed for the drive & game tomorrow.

Well, that made me smile...............

In a family of three boys, and mama, the fingers start going up when the questions start.

SSM,
Your post about little sis made me think of my daughter. About six weeks after school started, we went up to visit my son at school. We met up with him for lunch as soon as we got there. After hugs and all, we went up to the counter to order and I look at my daughter and realize she's just boo-hooing away! She wouldn't tell us what was wrong... finally admitted to me later that she hadn't realized how much she missed her brother until she saw him! It was really sweet...

quote:

It was really sweet...

Prime example of what's been mentioned and what I experienced a few years ago with son.

Freshman daughter calls last night. "I don't like it here very much".... think I might want to go somewhere else next semester. Calls tonight after being satisfied with the sorority that she's gotten into as well as getting to move into a room and finally have a roommate (hers didn't show up).... well, I'm not sure what all she said, but tone was great and she was excited rambling! I'm beginning to realize that it's not just college baseball that makes this a rollercoaster experience!

As most of your stories indicate, our kids just need some time to adjust...but tonight we had a very sad and sobering discussion at dinner with my boys. One of their High School Marching Band members, a Junior, took his own life yesterday. No one had a clue or saw it coming. He smiled all the time, was easy going, active in school... There are counselors at school discussing the signs, what to look for, how important it is to let others know, etc... but my guys insist that at least at school around them, they didn't see any. Please pray for his family, friends and students.

Not trying to bring anybody down but just to be alert even with young people.

Still Learning,

I'm so very sorry to hear the tragic news of your sons' schoolmate. Praying that God will comfort the boy's family, friends, and all of the students.

Julie

quote:

One of their High School Marching Band members, a Junior, took his own life yesterday. No one had a clue or saw it coming.

That made the hair on the back of my neck stand up.
Sooo terribly tragic. Makes my heart hurt.

Sending prayers.

Life is so fragile. My heart goes out to the parents of that young man. It is hard growing up and how do we prepare them. My son was doing fine after a rocky start. Great roommate situation and baseball did perk him up. Then, he and his roommate were in a bad car accident. Son was hurt but will be ok. Roommate ok. But the car was demolished and it could have been so much worse. And then with all the 9/11 reminders. We just have to love on them - AND help them to grow up so that they can cope with everyday life.

Please keep up the prayers, tomorrow will be a long day for everyone. The High school is letting the band members out of school early to get ready for the visitation and the funeral that starts at 2:00pm then back to school at 5:00 to prepare for home football game. Prior to each game the band takes the field and plays the Star Spangled Banner and School Song for tomorrow there will be a moment of silence added in memory of Austin, the bands' half time show will be performed/dedicated in his memory as well. The band marches a drum corp style performance and there will be a "hole" in the show where Austin was with his trumpet, it will be a reminder all season of his absence.

Even though the police have initially ruled this to be a suicide, the circumstances are questionable at best and very uncharacteristic, so much so that they have been asked to do a further investigation as to whether this may have been accidental. Please pray for wisdom and peace in this regard. My oldest college baseball son played basketball in high school with the older brother, this is how I first met their Mom. She is just like us here voluntering and supporting her kids at school, sports and church, etc... We just worked together when we were both serving at band camp a couple of weeks ago. Austin was always smiling, involved in school with band, liked to hunt, garden and participated with his youth group at church and has a loving family. This is simply beyond comprehension...

sorry I hijacked your thread

Dont apologize, the thread was for us to talk about our kids and things they go through. We can all support one another and pray for each other and as moms we can pray for moms we do not even know because once you are a parent your heart goes out to all parents who have to suffer the loss of a child. God bless his family.

Not a hijack at all, Still Learning. Yours is a perfectly appropriate post. I will add my prayers for the family and friends of this young man... whatever the circumstances of his death, the end result is the same. How sad for everyone.

And another reminder that teen suicides sometimes come in waves - something about the event (the attention paid to the deceased? overwhelming sadness? loss of hope for oneself?) sometimes leads other teens to follow suit - tragedy on top of tragedy.

Being a parent, with all it's rewards, can still be such a hard, heartbreaking job.

Still Learning,
I will certainly put this family in my prayers tonight.

I have never known and hope to never know a young person that takes their life. I think for many of us it is impossible to believe that it could happen. I have known two adult men who have committed suicide. I still to this day can't believe neither one... one was just this summer. Both were intelligent, handsome, great careers and most of all loved their children beyond belief. The loss of a life is always sad... some it's just impossible for us to accept.

Still Learning,

I'm praying again for the young man's friends and family. What a difficult day tomorrow, and many sad days ahead.

HitaHomer1,

I'm relieved to hear that your son will be okay, but it sounds like he was injured, which of course will be a setback to him in settling in to his new school and team. Prayers also for his recovery.

Julie

Still Learning--All day tomorrow I'll be thinking of you and praying for your friend and his family and friends. What an awful tragedy.


Today's children are under so much stress. Of course every generation has difficulties but this generation certainly has its share...They grow up so fast---so fast---I don't mean age-wise, but maturity-wise....they are exposed to so much--stuff that they shouldn't have to worry about or see...and yet they do.....

Sometimes I even wonder about my own.........

God bless and help us all to know and recognize a kid who needs to talk or just know that someone cares.....

quote:

Originally posted by play baseball:
God bless and help us all to know and recognize a kid who needs to talk or just know that someone cares.....

Amen!!

Ugh........the first couple weeks seemd so good, but now chatting with son online and he's sad and lonely. He says the weekends are the worst because so many locals go home, and he doesn't even have anyone to shoot hoops with...his suitemates didn't even want to go to the first football game! and so he didn't go either 'cause he didn't want to go alone.......

....13,000 miles from us, no friends (yet), and lonely........man, what am I supposed to do?

Krak,.... not sure this will help much, but it sounds like your son might have some extra time on his hands. Maybe he could go to the student activities office ( if they have something like that on campus ) and join a club or two. He could at least sign up and go to their welcome mixer. Might meet some people who have interests outside of baseball.
Have him check into intramural sports too- ( if his coach will allow him to ).
Perhaps a visit to a local church who has events/activities on the weekends might help.

Just throwin a few ideas out there.
If we lived closer, he could come home with my son!

( Otherwise ya might have to buy him a car. Remember back in the ol' college days? If ya had wheels, ya had instant friends!- lol )

UPDATE: 30 minutes later he gets back on chat and says that on his way to set up the nets for volleyball (work-study job), some girls and a couple guys from his dorm asked him to play beach volleyball, and he loves volleyball (played in HS)...so call that a 180'-turn! I'd been telling him that there aren't a lot of people standing in his dorm room waiting to meet him....they are OUTside....I was even going to say "I'll give you $10 if you go hang out at the library or by the fountain or at a game, and you don't run into someone who knows you and will strike up a conversation."........Didn't have to. God wanted me to keep my money.

Will our parent-hearts be able to handle all of the college tugs? Most of our college aged kids arent in our own back yards anymore ( you especially Krak ) and sometimes I think the distance makes the tugs feel twice as strong, even though the issues are pretty normal.

Mine called home freezin'. Unexpected cold front came through and he was borrowing sweatshirts from buddies. ( Didnt think he would need any cold weather gear til' October when he came home for a 4 day weekend. )

I seriously contemplated making the 5 hour drive after work to bring him his sweats. Then I woke up and realized, he could make it to a local Walmart on his own. ( slappin' the ssmomma forehead, as if I could have had a V-8 )


Volleyball ehhhhhh????? Small world.

My son has also come quite familiar with the volleyball team ( ut-hum ). Cutie patootie girls, who are athletes, very sweet, and not afraid to kick a guy in the hiney during a killer ping pong match.

Be sure to text him ( if you guys can do that from there ) and tell him that he needs to make sure the plans dont stop there. Gotta plan a rematch for tomorrow!

quote:

Originally posted by Krakatoa:
UPDATE: 30 minutes later he gets back on chat and says that on his way to set up the nets for volleyball (work-study job), some girls and a couple guys from his dorm asked him to play beach volleyball, and he loves volleyball (played in HS)...so call that a 180'-turn! I'd been telling him that there aren't a lot of people standing in his dorm room waiting to meet him....they are OUTside....I was even going to say "I'll give you $10 if you go hang out at the library or by the fountain or at a game, and you don't run into someone who knows you and will strike up a conversation."........Didn't have to. God wanted me to keep my money.

The sand volleyball courts at my daughter's school are right behind her dorm. She played volleyball in HS as well and these courts have been a Godsend in helping her to be active, happy, and meet people. The girls there are usually happy to meet the baseball players!

Krak,

I was starting to get a little teary-eyed as I read your first post above, and was very happy to hear the volleyball update. It sure does tug at our parental heart strings to have a child sad and far away, but it sounds like Tristan will be just fine!


Julie

Ladies, I have a question for you......how many of your sons were homesick when they left for college, how did you address it, and how long did it last? Mine has been away for 3-4 weeks and is struggling to find his niche. He is on a small campus that has few weekend activities, and most of those don't interest him. In addition, many of his teammates live nearby and go home for the weekends. He has a few out-of-state teammates, so I know those guys aren't going home on the weekends, but for some reason he doesn't feel comfortable in initiating activities with them yet (working on baseball, seeing a movie, attending a concert, etc.). He is on the reserved side and is not all that outgoing, although he can be the life of the party with guys he knows well. We are encouraging him to reach out, but otherwise feel pretty powerless in helping him make the adjustment. He is 5 hours away, so allowing him to come home on a regular basis is not a reasonable financial option. He doesn't seem to be depressed -- just down (especially on the weekends) -- and I hate knowing that he's moping around in his room or doing stuff all by himself. Any advice/personal anecdotes would be greatly appreciated!

Infield08,

Yes, my son was homesick when he went to college (4 years ago, also a small campus) and we dealt with it by...not knowing. He didn't tell us at the time; I found out at least a year later. But I think the homesickness got better over the first 2 to 3 months...and before long he ended up very happy at college.

Since your son is reserved and doesn't feel comfortable initiating activities, maybe suggest to him that he ask a neutral question when some of the out-of-state teammates are around during the week, like "Man, (or is it 'dude'?), what is there to do around here on weekends?". At least he will be letting others know that he is looking for activities, and maybe a fruitful conversation will get started.

Otherwise, does he live in a dorm? Suggest that when he's in his room on the weekend, he should leave the door open and have some sports on TV or some music on, so at least any dorm-mates who pass by know someone is there and maybe they will stop in and say hello. My son's dorm room seemed to become a gathering place, which was not always good for studying, but was good for making friends!

Julie

Infield08,
I am sorry to hear that your son is battling this and that you have this worry. I think it's completely normal for them to have some level of home sickness - more common than not. My son did and my daughter did (hopefully hers is dwindling). My daughters was more situational due to a roommate not showing up (she's gotten to move to another room and has roomies!) and going through rush for sorority which was way too emotional! She seems much more content than the first few weeks.

I thought my son was happy as a lark! He wasn't sharing with me that he wasn't. His HS coach came up to me at my daughter's volleyball game and heard that son hated it there!?!?! Finally, he admitted that he wasn't happy.

I think the only thing you can do is let them know that others feel that way too. Julie gave some excellent suggestions as to ways of getting more involved and meeting people. Then I think you have to give some extra TLC - care packages, visits when you can, etc. I also think that you have to let them know that on down the road it will get better... and if for some strange reason it doesn't, he's not sentenced there for life.

I'm going to say a prayer right now for all our freshman kids. It is truly an adjustment for most in many ways.

We haven't gotten any calls indicating he's lonely (yet) but I could tell today while talking to him that he's tired and the honeymoon phase is over!

The team has been working really hard, daily, and with this and class and studying the reality seems to be setting in. I'm sure they'll all get this figured out and will adjust. I also think for the 1st time many of these boys will be challenged on and off the field. Hey, nobody ever said it would be easy.

thanks Lafmom for saying a prayer for all our freshmen.

Interesting, but I've got a freshman who is at home and he is lonesome (or getting that way) for the kids who have gone off to 4-year schools! (Mine is at a local JC). No matter your situation, the change in life is a tough one - and in the end I think most figure things out.
He's working hard on the academics, working hard at the baseball, and figuring out how to move on from here!
My daughter is away at school in Indiana - and even though she has been away for two years, she still gets a little homesick. She has learned to adjust and has become a very very strong person for it.
Heck. I moved to CA from MN after college and I was homesick too - still get that way from time to time. Sounds silly for an old gal like me, but we miss the places and the people who we call home.

In dealing with these guys, remember to ask about the positive things happening!

Infield08,

I'm taking notes while I read these posts cause I'm sure I'll get the call at some point.
Our situation sounds more like CaBB's.
The team is working their fannies off daily and they are traveling all over the place. They havent had a weekend off, so not really sure there's been time yet to get " home sick ".

The weather is wet and the temperature has dropped. First sore throats and the " sniffy colds " away from home have started. Papers are due & tests are in a few weeks.

Reality is here.

I think care packages are a good way to boost the spirit.
Perhaps if possible, plan a " drive and meet half way trip " with your son. Its always good to get off campus every once in a while. Gives them something to look forward to.

I loved MN-Moms idea of keeping the dorm door open and having some music or the tv on.
If possible, I know that my son says the video game marathons draw in all kinds of kids.
If you buy an XBox or Wii,..they will come.
( Of he doesnt have one, perhaps it can be an early Christmas/holiday present. )

I know that my son says that the televised college football games draw in a big crowd too, especially if you have nachos available. Cheese and chips nuked in the microwave,...they will come.

Remind your son he is not alone & that there are lots of kids going through exactly what he is feeling.

Check on the room mate situation.
Make sure they are a good match. A bad room mate can be a big time downer and can add to the blues.
If its not a good match, maybe now is the time to see if he can switch or move.
( I had a roomate in college who never left the room. Ate cold cans of chili in bed with the blinds closed all day. Very depressing to live with. Needeless to say I lasted about a month and moved out to a new fun roomie! Made all the difference in the world. )

Keep assuring him and encouraging him.