http://store.yahoo.com/swingbuster/swop34probat.html
Please critique the text guys
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Swing,
The fifth paragraph seems poorly written to me.
Other than that - it reads well.
The fifth paragraph seems poorly written to me.
Other than that - it reads well.
Shouldn't have asked 
.
Too wordy.. and too technical for a $43.00 product.
I would incorporate "bullets" or "check marks" to emphisize the selling points.
I would also ask an English major or an English teacher to re-phrase your wording. For instance I would change:
WHATS NEW... SwingBuster OPPO™ Training BAT. This bat is made of the finest silver maple by BWP bats, one of the nations leading wooden bat makers, exclusively for SwingBuster.
TO SOMETHING LIKE:
Whats New?? The SwingBuster OPPO™ Training Bat
This silver maple bat is manufactured exclusively for SWINGBUSTER by BWP Bats, a leading manufacturer of wood bats.
You can use the SwingBuster OPPO to:
Improve opposite field power
Maximize RBI opportunity
Increase batting average
.Too wordy.. and too technical for a $43.00 product.
I would incorporate "bullets" or "check marks" to emphisize the selling points.
I would also ask an English major or an English teacher to re-phrase your wording. For instance I would change:
WHATS NEW... SwingBuster OPPO™ Training BAT. This bat is made of the finest silver maple by BWP bats, one of the nations leading wooden bat makers, exclusively for SwingBuster.
TO SOMETHING LIKE:
Whats New?? The SwingBuster OPPO™ Training Bat
This silver maple bat is manufactured exclusively for SWINGBUSTER by BWP Bats, a leading manufacturer of wood bats.
You can use the SwingBuster OPPO to:
Improve opposite field power
Maximize RBI opportunity
Increase batting average
It should also include in a seperate paragraph, the phrase:
Free to all HSBBW Members!!!!
Free to all HSBBW Members!!!!
Thanks guys ...I am forwarding these changes and this link to my webmaster. I'm a little ADD at times ...that why this was a sincere request for help. You came through as I knew you would.
