Sugar Coating

nothing wrong with sugar coating,but somebody someday will tell them the truth.and maybe just maybe it will be you.but that doesn't mean it has to be brutal.

There should never be sugar coating--ever--- tell it like it is--some do it in their own way others in theirs

We have already given the kids of today too many "crutches"--it is time we stop

TR,

I totally agree with you on this one brother.

I'm going to land somewhere in between on this one.

Sometimes you get people who put so much sugar coating on it, that the kid doesn't get the message. If you're too nice, the kid may not realize that you're actually criticizing; he may not see that there is urgency in his need to improve.

On the other hand, just giving people the truth is often received like a ton of bricks as it is. You don't need to make it any worse than it has to be.

I've never understood people who seem to take delight in making it as brutal and painful as possible -- and there are absolutely coaches out there who do. So often, I see people defending themselves by talking about how others can't handle the truth, patting themselves on the back for their honesty, when really they're just being needlessly abusive and rationalizing their own misbehavior.

You can be honest without being saccharine, and you can also be honest without being mean.

AParent,
Very good point. I tend to agree with TRHit but I can’t disagree with you either. If we are at point A and have to get to point B we men tend to take the shortest route and say the fewest words in order to get there and in the process we don’t care whose toes we step on while doing it. The female approach tends to consider feelings and emotions and we men tend to see it as beating around the bush while women tend to see it as being more considerate or “sugarcoating”. You can sugarcoat it if you like but you can rest assured that I will see to it that he gets the proper dose!
Fungo

I have to tell you a story about my old dog Bingo. Bingo has arthritis and the vet prescribed these “horse pills” for his arthritis that Bingo disliked with a passion. I would wrap them in cheese but Bingo could separate the cheese and the pill and spit out the pill like a ball player spitting out sunflower seed hulls. I finally had to force Bingo to the floor and shove the pills down his throat. In the process I dislocated his hip and had to take him back to the vet with a dislocated hip. The vet asked how it happened and I had to admit I did it while forcing the pills down his throat. The vet suggested I see the nurse and get the bacon flavored pills ---- which I did and Bingo loves the new bacon flavored pills. Oh well, some woman must have developed them just to prove her point!
Fungo

It's not black and white....either/or.....it's situational...IMO. Coaches know their players, parents their kids, teachers their students, etc.....some you need to sugar coat to get them from point A to B....others...well....you tell them point blank.....and get the same results...

LNM,

You must have attended a situational leadership seminar. I agree that different situations and different people require different approaches.

I'm just not real fond of the term "sugar coating".

Oldscout....actually I'm degreed in Business Administration.....major was management.....many lectures on various types of management styles....but we were always told styles should vary with the situation....and in all my working years....found out those professors were right!

....you saw right through me.....

Fungo

Perhaps it is the female/male thing.

I took two labs on a trip one time. The one who was hyper would NOT take the pill for anything - even wrapped in raw hamburger. The other one slept the whole way WITHOUT taking the pill. Go figure.

LadyNMom,

Situational - does that mean it's okay to tell TR that he's a gruff old billy goat - even though I usually would just say lighten up a bit?

TR

How does saying it with a little less gruffness give them a crutch?

It is possible to tell someone they have a lot of hard work ahead of them without saying you're terrible.

I know when someone is surly with me I tune them out. I am much more apt to actually listen to and take heed when someone is thoughtful in their approach.

Depends on what one's definition of sugar coating actually is, at the time.

A month ago son hit lead off batter and he was po'd at himself. The next day, after same hitter was hit by a different pitcher, realized this hitter has been hit like 15 times. When I pointed that out to him, he said I was sugar coating. I thought I was making a good point, with facts.
There is a difference between sugar coating (everything will be fine), and brutal honesty (you stunk tonight kid) and I can tell you that most of our sons know the difference.

Moms do tend to be a little more understanding when sons have a bad outing, because that's how we were made, where as dads tend to let sons know how disappointed they were because he should have done better. A dad on sons HS team used to leave during games if son struck out or didn't come through that night, I found that to be rather sad, you support no matter what type of game you are having, whether you like the results or not. And then there was the dad whose son didn't pitch well, and it was everyone else's fault but pitchers. Truth was, he was just an average HS pitcher. I often heard him tell his player after the game HE was great, the team stunk. I have actually thought that on occassion to myself regarding my own, and have said so, but now realize that is NOT what he wants to hear.

Supporting and helping your player to live up to his potential is not sugar coating, telling your player he is better than the kid next door (regardless)is. He may well be, as long as he knows down the line he will meet up with players equal or better, and can accept that, he will be fine. The smart parent never lets on to their player that they are THE best, but helps him to understand how he can always work hard to be a BETTER player.JMO.

We have found the greatest challenge the past two years was having a player who always did well in HS, to struggle at times at his game. In the beginning you tend to be sympathetic and supportive (with maybe some sugar coating), a bit later on you realize you need to let them figure it out by themselves without your sympathy or BS coating, but still being supportive in what they are doing. They tend to figure it all out themselves anyway, regardless of what you say.

Tiger Paw Mom

I think I get it now. Other folks define sugar coating the way I define a placebo.

Here are my definitions:

Brutal honesty is the plain pill (the full absolute truth)

Sugar coating is the flavored pill (the absolute truth with a told in a more thoughtful manner)

Placebo is the your'e good no matter what, you're better than, and everything will be okay comments (often BS coated)

I personally think it depends on the situation and the kid your dealing with. I do believe that you should be totally honest with kids. Give it to them straight and let them know exactly where they stand and where you stand. But sometimes a kid may be in a situation where you need to offer some encouragement while giving them the striaght facts. And sometimes they need the 2 by 4 straight in the noggin! It all depends.

Coach May ...

quote:

sometimes a kid may be in a situation where you need to offer some encouragement while giving them the striaght facts. And sometimes they need the 2 by 4 straight in the noggin! It all depends.

Agree 100% and as a pitcher's mom would probably tell her son ... it's all in the delivery!!

TPM ...
I like the way you explained this. I think it makes a lot of sense and definitely differentiates the different ideas.

IMHO, so much is in the way we express ourselves to our children ... some choose to shoot from the hip and speak the truth harshly while others weigh their words very carefully, still speaking the truth and hardly handing the kid a crutch. And I think if we look at the whole picture, we will see that the way people talk to and treat their children is pretty darn similar to the way they talk to and treat others in general.

Personally, my husband always told me that I looked thru rose colored glasses and wasn't brutally honest enough with myself or our son ref his performances. In actuality, I was the buffer and I believe it has paid off ... rather than ignoring Dad now when things are rough (and it has been one of those seasons), our son actually calls his dad to discuss things and get his input. I can assure you, knowing our son as well as I do, had I not buffered some of the messages and at times run interference, our son would NOT be calling Dad for advice today.

JMHO

Sooner or later they have to know what is the score. The sooner the better.

FBM,
I can relate to buffer .

AParent,
I think we all have certain definitions to sugarcoat and they change as our sons get older and more mature. We're just about sugar free in son's second year of college ball. I am assuming that if he moves on, sugar may be added for a short time.

I personally like Coach May's approach.