Skip to main content

I don't post too often anymore, but due to all the great information I have received here I want to try to pay it forward. So this is a cautionary tale to parents of young players (and teens in general). To give a timeframe perspective on this post, I found this site about 18 months ago during the summer before my kid started HS. He started playing HS ball in 8th grade (freshman and JV because 8th grade is part of the HS here.)  Warning:  this post is LONG, but contains what I hope is a lot of helpful info to anyone with a kid who aspires to play baseball beyond HS.

The journey to playing college ball and beyond is LONG. It is a marathon that not many players finish. It appears my player, now a sophomore in HS, is one of those who will not make it to the next level... but definitely not because of a lack of talent. While there are many factors that go into the success of a player, there are a few common things that tend to derail talented players. Some of them were mentioned in a thread on here when I first discovered this site. That warning said something like "the 3 Gs have derailed many a talented player:  girls, grass, and gas." That warning stuck with me for some reason as my player headed into HS last year as a kid with definite D1 potential. I had no idea how true those words were, or how quickly a kid can get derailed. So this is my attempt at shedding more light on the pitfalls in hopes that you can help your kid avoid them.  

1) Starting at a young age, make sure they play more than 1 sport and/or extracurricular activity (at least until HS). Because no matter how much they LOVE the game at 8, 10, even 13 years old, HS ball is a whole different world. Even if your kid has played competitive travel ball, HS is different. Baseball becomes a grind at some point for every player. For some, that grind sets in during HS, for some its college, and for some it's MiLB or even MLB; but it always goes from fun to a "job" at some point. If they haven't had a break from the sport in 6 years, the grind may do them in when they hit HS. You're going to say "But my 13 year old little Johnny LOVES baseball so much he sleeps with glove at night and makes us throw to him EVERY night. He literally begs for baseball in the off season." TRUST ME...that was my kid too, doesn’t matter how much they love it when they are young because if he doesn't have something else in his life, he will likely burn out quick when he hits the grind of HS combined with competitive summer travel ball. It will likely consume their whole year in HS if they don't have another sport. Because practices/workouts last ALL school year; and then they have to kiss summer goodbye because as soon HS season ends, they will spend every Wed-Sun at travel tourneys until school starts again. They need to have balance in their life, and kids don't know how to get that on their own. So you will have to make sure he has that balance starting at a young age.

2) Don't get caught up in the early recruiting game. We all know that early recruiting is still a very common practice, and the new rules are not likely to change it any time soon. However, the player really needs to drive the recruiting process 100% himself (this is especially true for kids who are anxious by nature). It is easy as the parent to get caught up in the excitement of your kid having talent; and when you want the best for your kid it's easy to lose sight of the fact that this is HIS journey. Like me, you will say "but 3 kids on his travel team committed to D1s before December of their freshman year. I don't want little Johnny to get left behind because he's too immature to handle all this recruiting stuff. He's so talented...." Nope... HE HAS TO WANT IT ENOUGH TO FIGURE IT OUT HIMSELF. I read many times on this site that the parents should not get involved in recruiting. I ignored that advice by justifying my involvement because I thought my player was too young and immature to handle it himself. Now I see that I missed the point:  if your kid is too immature (or unmotivated) to figure out the recruiting game for himself, then he isn't ready for it. IF IT IS THEIR DREAM, THEY WILL FIGURE IT OUT. If it's your dream for them, you will try to drive the process. In hindsight, our player gave us clues that he was getting very overwhelmed about thinking about college as a HS freshman (and that he wasn't motivated to get involved in the recruiting process). But we tried to keep him on the fast track anyway because everyone else on his travel team was committing early and his travel coach was strongly encouraging it. Literally, the rest of his whole summer team has already committed to D1s and they are all sophomores. We thought he was going to truly get left behind and miss opportunities. That was absolutely not true in hindsight. The advice on here about junior year being the most important is still true for most kids. Bottom line is, THE KID HAS TO WANT IT. If the parents or a coach are driving the recruiting bus instead of the kid, that bus is probably going to crash; no matter how talented the kid is. At the end of the day, it is the kid who has to put in the hard work on AND off the field to reach the next level. The players I know who took charge of their own recruiting journey are all still on track to play college ball.

3) Don't let a bad HS coach ruin the game for your kid. This can take many forms. For us, it was the fact that the coach is a nice guy but terrible leader/coach. This frustrates our kid and burned him out. Coach made him play on 3 teams his freshman year when he was good enough to play V only. [I assure you, we are not one of those families that think little Johnny was good enough to play V but he really wasn't; it really was true in our case as pointed out to us by several knowledgeable baseball coaches.] But our HS coach believes younger kids don't play V no matter what (unless you are 1 of his 2 kids and then you can be on V). Our HS coach is a super nice guy, and dedicates a lot of time and energy to the team, but he is a terrible leader and coach. He doesn't know how to motivate or control his players (for example, several of them are potheads and he knows it, but does nothing because 1 of their dad's is a volunteer coach and the other families he's known since they were kids in our small town). So... our kid dressed freshman team because the program didn't have enough players to fill 3 teams; therefore, all freshman (except the coaches 2 kids) dressed every freshman game. Our kid HATED playing on the freshman team because the rest of the team was the Bad News Bears; it even had tiny little 7th graders on the team just to fill the roster. After the competitive travel ball he had been playing for years, it was a joke; he knew it and we knew it. We tried to keep our feelings out of it though and encouraged him to be the best HE could be. He also dressed and played JV unless a freshman game conflicted. He dressed V most games just to run (apparently coach is ok exploiting a kid for his speed talent while not letting him play). The last 2 weeks of his freshman HS season, he played 22 games in 14 days across the 3 teams, with no days off, and school was still in session. He was the only player dressing all 3 teams. I don't care how much you love the game, it becomes miserable at that point. In hindsight, we should have talked to the coach at the beginning of the season and limited our kid to 2 teams. We didn't care which 2 teams (freshman and JV would have been fine with us), but 3 is ridiculous. I agree with the wisdom shared here often that parents should not talk to the coach unless it is a health/safety issue. This was one of those times, as evidenced by the fact that our kid became so exhausted at some points he could barely function (his overall mental health tanked). So this was truly a health/safety issue for our kid. We also wish we would have sent him to a different school with a better baseball program (2 private schools with excellent programs in our area were options.) So be careful when choosing a HS program, and speak up when necessary to protect your kid (especially pitcher parents).

4) Don't buy into the showcase hype. This was also advice on this site we ignored. A good summer team that has a coach with a track record of placing kids on college teams is a much better financial investment than showcases. If your kid is truly stud/elite level, the opportunities WILL find him by his junior and senior year. And you won't have to pay for them. Again, trust me... I didn't believe that either when I read it on here. A year later, I get it. Most kids are not starting to hit physical maturity/strength until junior year at least (even if they hit puberty early like ours did). For most of us, our kids aren't "possible pro out of HS" level of good. Our kids are "good enough to play in college at some level" good. For these kids, statstics say they will play within a 300 mile radius of home. (Due to limited scholarship money, programs favor in state kids, especially those who qualify for academic money.) Those regional schools from D1 down will find your kid if you have a good travel or HS coach with contacts. If you aren't lucky enough to have a good summer or HS coach with those contacts, then consider doing some showcases and/or camps at schools your kid is interested in attending. But wait until at least sophomore year, if not fall of junior year. And remember, target the schools in your region. PBR is just as good as PG in some states/regions, with a much lower price tag. (I respect PG immensely and if you can afford their big showcases, go for it. But most of us are on a tight budget.)

5) The "grass" issue. This advice goes for all parents of teens, whether they play sports or not. Smoking weed with electronic devices and nicotine vaping are RAMPANT at all high schools now, even amongst the sports teams. In fact, the football team at our school may be the worst offenders. The kids sell these devices to each other; there's always a few 18 year olds on the team or at the school willing to make a quick buck. You may not think Little Johnny would ever try vaping, but trust me, peer pressure from your teammate "bros" can be stronger than any parental guidance or threat of punishment. Even if your kid is not a "partier," they may be vaping. Vaping is so common these days, there is even a popular meme about the "HS Boys Starter Kit" that includes the Juul. If you don't know what e-cigarette paraphernalia looks like, educate yourself. It is small and very easy to hide. And trust me, kids are REALLY good at hiding it. If you have any doubts, buy the test strips on Amazon and test your kid. Bring down the hammer if necessary, but help them break the addiction. Nicotine addiction is terribly powerful.

6) The "girls" issue. Players can get derailed very quickly if they date someone who is not supportive of their baseball commitments. This is a non-sports related piece of advice for all parents of teens:  be careful not to let your child get into a serious romantic relationship until he/she is emotionally mature enough to handle it. Hint:  most 15 year old kids are definitely NOT mature enough (but there are exceptions; only you know if your kid can handle it). Also, try to make sure the girl/guy they start dating is not emotionally unstable. If that person is insecure, huge red flag. Try to set rules for dating that encourage healthy boundaries for teens. If your kid stops hanging out with anyone else but his girlfriend, there are likely big time problems. If they never go out and do anything with other couple friends, even a bigger red flag. Isolation from friends and family can happen quickly. It's usually a control issue (a girlfriend's/boyfriend's insecurity makes them want to isolate the other from everyone else, including their families). 

7) Watch out for your child's over all mental health. If they get in over their heads with a girlfriend, or you are concerned for another reason, seek professional help right away. White males age 14-21 are the highest risk group for suicide, while the suicide rate for black youths has seen a greater rise overall in recent years. No one's child is immune. One HS in our area has had 3 suicides so far this school year, including a volleyball player. Being involved in sports doesn't make our kids immune. Kids are facing even more pressures than we did as a result of increased academic and sports pressures, and we all know the negative impact social media is playing in teen lives. Check in frequently with your teen and make sure they are ok. Even successful HS athletes can become overwhelmed. Remember, teens live in the moment, and often can't see that the next hour, day, or week will bring better times.  

I know this post is long, but as I stated in the beginning, I hope others will learn from our recruiting journey mistakes. The complete 180 shift from "I can't live without baseball" to "I hate baseball" can happen to anyone, and it can happen fast. It happened over the course of about 9 months for our kid, with the unhealthy girlfriend relationship being the biggest factor. But a lot of kids burn out for a lot of different reasons. Every kid is different, and some kids may never face any of the obstacles above. Just don't ignore your gut feelings if you start seeing red flags about anything. I wish you and your kids all the best as they navigate their baseball journey!

Edit:  We haven't personally dealt with all of these issues. Some of them are personal to our story, and others are based on observations I have seen amongst the HS baseball team over the past 2 years. I made slight revisions to the original post because someone pointed out it could be construed as encouraging micromanaging of teens, which was not what I intended. This is just one story to hopefully help parents in guiding their player through the HS ball and recruiting process. 

Last edited by Zia2021
Original Post

Replies sorted oldest to newest

Trying to micromanage a 15 year old kid won't change anything, just delay what's already coming. If a kid wants to smoke, good luck stopping it. If the kid wants a girlfriend, good luck stopping it. We've home schooled our son through portions of his life, but he's had plenty of oppurtunity to go down that path. I think of myself as a good parent, but I accredit him keeping his nose clean to his close relationship with God on his own accord.  I feel bad for your situation, you and your son are in my prayers.

Hope your son rediscovers his love of baseball Zia!  

I have a 2021 who is in a dating relationship with a girl who is not always supportive of his baseball commitments, so I know of what you speak.  Fortunately, I think our son has resented her efforts to control his time and attention, and we've used it as an opportunity to talk with him about what a healthy, secure relationship looks and feels like.  We've tried to do it in a neutral way, rather than express disapproval of her.  So far, that seems to be working.  We are a close family, so I don't think she will be able to alienate him from us.

I also agree that the vaping is out of control in high school (and college).  Many parents are clueless (or in denial) about this.  Kids who would never dream of smoking or dipping are doing it regularly, and the athletes are no exception.  My son confirmed that some of the seniors on the high school varsity team were introducing it to his jv team last year, and offering to sell them juules.  It is so easy to hide that some players used them in the dugout during games.

I believe the best you can do is be the right kind of role model and set expectations up to about fourteen. At this point you better hope you’ve done a good job laying the foundation.

In high school other people start having a reasonable level of influence, positive or negative. In high school it’s about not being naive and heading off potential issues. 

I established one of my son’s friends was off limits. The former athlete was busted for dealing. I told my son the last thing he needed was guilt by association. Fortunately the kid cleaned up his act. 

One time my son was acting suspiciously. I ordered him to dump out the contents of his backpack. There was nothing unusual in his backpack. Very pissed off and feeling violated he asked if I was unhappy I didn’t find anything. I explained I was relieved. I told him at some point he will understand.

 

Zia just about every kid goes through some version of burnout most of the time it's not the amount of time and work it's changes in there environment, like first taste of freedom. I would bet your son still loves the game and will be fine as soon as he learns how to deal with change and he will I promise! My son dealt with some of the challenges you spoke of just keep a good line of communication open and you will help him work through them, then you will post about his commitment to nameyourcollege and I look forward to hearing all about it!!!

ZIA2021, that was quite a post, and as I also have a 2021, we are working with many of the issues you brought up. Sounds like your school situation was not good. We were in a similar situation, the school fired the coach, the facilities were bad, no home field, and it was not a good fit academically. My son transferred to a different school starting this fall as a sophomore. He now has a long commute each way, but so far no regrets. The school has a great academic program, and he seems to have worked his way onto the team. They have played some excellent competition this fall, and he is looking forward to the spring. The only downside is that he will have to sit out 1/2 of the spring season. We are in California, so not sure what the rules are elsewhere. Not sure if transferring schools has been discussed here much, but so far it has worked for my son.

Also, he plays on a very competitive summer travel team, and some of his teammates have committed. He is not too worried, he thinks his time will come. Best of luck to you and yours.

I disagree with many of the comments here.  I think you can dictate what a teenager can and can't do, who they can and can't date, and where they can and can't go.  We facilitate these things by what we allow and give.  My son knows that the only things he actually owns are a few gloves and a bat and a few clothes.  Everything else belongs to me and I make that very clear, and before you jump on it we have a great relationship.  He drives my car, uses my cellphone, spends my money, and goes the places I allow.  I have told him there are certain girls he cannot date and certain people he cannot spend time away from school/sports with.  And as long as he lives under my roof I can go through anything in my house or my car at any time.  I have gps on his phone and he knows I check it regularly for his safety and my good mind.  There were certain baseball players in the past that he could be friends with on the field and at practice but was not allowed to do so outside of that situation due to their choices.  I know I may sound like a crazy guy to some of you but some parents sound like their kid's best friends rather than their parents.  Starting next fall he can make his own choices but until then it is my JOB to help him or make choices for him.  As a pastor, I spend way too much time with parents who allow their kids to make the choices and ruin their lives then want someone to fix it.  You fix it by saying NO.  I have had parents say well they might run away.  My answer is with what and with who.  If you take their car, phone, and money, and the clothes you bought they won't have much to take.  It would hurt but better than the pain of later.

There is an old story that goes if you let a plot of land decide what it wants to be, it will always be a weed patch and children are no different.  

There’s more than one way to parent. So I won’t tell anyone they’re wrong. Here comes the “however.” 

There was a particular can’t miss high school stud who was considered a laboratory athlete created from birth. He was a SI cover. His father controlled everything in his life. It was believed he turned into a drug addict as an adult.

A Team USA athlete moved into our neighborhood. She was playing for the local professional team during the Team USA off season. I got to know her/chatted since my (then) early teen daughter adored her. Then she started dating a local pro athlete I liked talking  with. 

One day the conversation came around to athletes and questionable behavior. I brought up the person mentioned above. She knew the real story through a teammate who went to high school with the troubled athlete. 

The stud under his father’s control was only being raised as a purified, healthy athlete in his father’s eyes and his coaches. While the father was watching out for alcohol when the kid was in high school he was already a drug addict. It was the kid’s way of fighting back against all the control.

Last edited by RJM
PitchingFan posted:

I disagree with many of the comments here.  I think you can dictate what a teenager can and can't do, who they can and can't date, and where they can and can't go.  We facilitate these things by what we allow and give.  My son knows that the only things he actually owns are a few gloves and a bat and a few clothes.  Everything else belongs to me and I make that very clear, and before you jump on it we have a great relationship.  He drives my car, uses my cellphone, spends my money, and goes the places I allow.  I have told him there are certain girls he cannot date and certain people he cannot spend time away from school/sports with.  And as long as he lives under my roof I can go through anything in my house or my car at any time.  I have gps on his phone and he knows I check it regularly for his safety and my good mind.  There were certain baseball players in the past that he could be friends with on the field and at practice but was not allowed to do so outside of that situation due to their choices.  I know I may sound like a crazy guy to some of you but some parents sound like their kid's best friends rather than their parents.  Starting next fall he can make his own choices but until then it is my JOB to help him or make choices for him.  As a pastor, I spend way too much time with parents who allow their kids to make the choices and ruin their lives then want someone to fix it.  You fix it by saying NO.  I have had parents say well they might run away.  My answer is with what and with who.  If you take their car, phone, and money, and the clothes you bought they won't have much to take.  It would hurt but better than the pain of later.

There is an old story that goes if you let a plot of land decide what it wants to be, it will always be a weed patch and children are no different.  

Couldn't agree more. Parents need to be parents first and friends second. No reason you cannot be both if you lay the proper foundation early in life.

I grow as a parent every day.  My oldest is 17 and youngest is 9.  I find my parenting style shifting far away from trying to control everything to being much more of a life raft.  My wife and I are good role models and have set standards.  For my kids, if the water gets to deep come back and hold on we will help you through.  I truly believe they have to struggle a bit to grow.  If you keep a kid in the shallow end his whole childhood, the chances of him falling into the deep end and drowning as he gets older are much greater in my opinion.  

 

My Dad's last words to me right before he passed away. "Take care of your Mom." One of my main goals was to raise men who were capable of taking care of their Mom, Wife, Family. Of course that would never be possible if they were incapable of taking care of themselves first. 

I saw athletics as a vehicle used to teach them important life lessons. Lessons way more important than a game. The values my wife and I sought to instill in our children were values that were taught to us by our parents. I started from the moment they were old enough to understand. I understood the most important examples they would ever have were the one's right there in their home. 

I failed miserably many times. I would like to think I got it right a few times as well. I believe in order to be special one must seek to be special. Be the first one to work, (practice). Out work everyone else. At work and at (practice). Be positive if you can't, keep your mouth shut. At work and at (practice). Work to find solutions not excuses at work and at (Practice). Build people up and encourage those around you. At work and at (practice). Be all in or all out. Never do anything unless your willing to give it your very best. At work and at (practice). You are what you do. Not what you say your going to do. Not what you wish you were. So be who and what you want to be in life and make it a practice daily.

I am not your friend. You have friends. You need a Dad. 

One day we will be friends, but I will always be your Dad too.

I am more concerned with the man you are, will become, than the player you are, will be or used to be. 

I love you and I love you enough to be your Dad. So if I have to knot that head know it is because I love you enough to make myself sad. I would rather be sad for being your Dad than be sad for not being your Dad. 

Play hard. Give it all you have. Have no regrets. Take care of business. Be a man. And never forget the name on the back of the Jersey. It's an honor to carry it. 

There is nothing in this world more important than raising a child. There is nothing harder in my opinion. There is nothing more rewarding. There is nothing more heart breaking at times. I chose to own it. My wife and I chose that. To own it. The good with the bad. And let me just say it doesn't stop when they are all grown up. It never stops. Baseball? When it comes to raising a child yes it is just a game. It can be used to teach lessons and bonding. But it is not who they are. It is just something they do and you do with them. When they see themselves as your ball player and not your son - now that's a problem. Fix it. 

No expert here. Still working on it today. I am a Perfect Grand Pa! Just ask my beautiful Grand Daughters who are Perfect!!!

 

real green posted:

I grow as a parent every day.  My oldest is 17 and youngest is 9.  I find my parenting style shifting far away from trying to control everything to being much more of a life raft.  My wife and I are good role models and have set standards.  For my kids, if the water gets to deep come back and hold on we will help you through.  I truly believe they have to struggle a bit to grow.  If you keep a kid in the shallow end his whole childhood, the chances of him falling into the deep end and drowning as he gets older are much greater in my opinion.  

 

Agreed. I've seen to many sheltered kids have a hard time in the real world.

RJM posted:

I believe the best you can do is be the right kind of role model and set expectations up to about fourteen. At this point you better hope you’ve done a good job laying the foundation.

In high school other people start having a reasonable level of influence, positive or negative. In high school it’s about not being naive and heading off potential issues

 

I agree 100% with these statements especially as it relates to setting a foundation at about 14 years old.  Also, parents make mistakes so don't be too hard on yourself.   Learn from it, but don't repeat it

College baseball is a privilege and an opportunity that not many realize.   There are many life lessons that result in getting there, or not getting there.   I've dealt with both scenarios with all three of my sons.    There is definitely a drive that you can see with the ones that really want it and prioritize accordingly.  My oldest son has that drive and focus... everything that doesn't help with his goals were ignored in high school, college and his professional life.  He does his thing.   I will never admit this to my two younger sons, but I'm glad they did not pursue college baseball.   It would have been a time distraction, and pulled them away from their studies.  There is no doubt in my mind, and I think they knew it too seeing the college baseball time commitment with their older brother.

Last edited by fenwaysouth

Lots of great thoughts on this thread. Zia - thank you for this post. The biggest reason I get on this site is to gain a little perspective from those who have been there before.

Pitchingfan and Coach May - I am a high school teacher and I wholeheartedly agree with what you both wrote. As parents, our job is to raise young men and women - not to be a "buddy". I have a lot of conversations with my 14 year old son about right and wrong, what type of man he wants to be, etc.. Everyday in the classroom I see kids make decisions that alter the trajectory of their lives, both positively and negatively. Teens are not mentally equipped (I mean that literally - as in their prefrontal cortex is not fully formed) to act like adults, and we have to do our best to help them at times. There are some bells in life you can't unring. 

I have always loved this analogy: Children are the arrow, and parents are the archer. Once the arrow is free of the bow there is absolutely nothing the archer can do to change its path, but if the archer took enough care to aim the arrow in the first place, it will come close to its target.

I know life is not always as simple as that, but I can tell you that when a teacher has a big issue with a student (kid is into drugs, is extremely disrespectful, will not try in school, etc.) and we talk to the parents (if that is possible) - almost every time it becomes obvious why the kid acts that way. I know we all do our best as parents, but some kids are blessed with a great situation at home, and some are stuck in situations you would not believe - and their lives and choices reflect that.

I tell my own son that we become the sum of our friends - so choose who you let into your inner circle very wisely. 

If I had a nickel for every time I heard this phrase "It's my life. I will deal with the consequences. I can take it." Well at least multiple variations of those comments. 

No you don't understand. It's not just your life. People you love will suffer or benefit from the decisions you make today. When you can't buy your son a new glove because your struggling to pay the light bill. When you cant afford to give your kids the things you wish you could give them. When you see other people taking their kids on vacations, buying them things kids want and you can can't. When your kids, your wife, your family suffers because of the decisions you made come back and tell me it's your life. When come to the realization that people who had no choice in the matter are suffering because of your poor choices come back and tell me it's your life. When you cause pain to those who love you and you finally come out of your ignorant coma come back and tell me it was just your life.

I am a believer in the truth. The truth hurts. The truth is painful. The truth is not politically correct. The truth doesn't care about your feelings. The truth does no discriminate. The truth doesn't care. It is simply the truth. Kids need to hear the truth. They need to be taught to embrace the truth. The face the truth. The live the truth. The truth has consequences both good and bad. Stop sugar coating the truth. Stop watering down the truth. Stop avoiding the truth. Here is is boy. If you ___________ you will _________. If you don't _______ you will ____________. Too many times "Parents" are in the business of being the feel good doctor. Fix it. Manipulate it. Do whatever you have to do to make them happy today. Make sure you do everything you can to make them feel good. 

One day you won't be here or you won't be able to gloss over the truth. And the harsh reality will be revealed to them. And they won't like the truth. And you won't either. But it will still be the truth. It's not a bad thing to demand, to expect, to challenge, to hold them to standards. No it's your job. Or you can be their friend today and then know later you missed the mark. Someone will raise them. The question is will it be you?

NorthTXdad posted:

Lots of great thoughts on this thread. Zia - thank you for this post. The biggest reason I get on this site is to gain a little perspective from those who have been there before.

Pitchingfan and Coach May - I am a high school teacher and I wholeheartedly agree with what you both wrote. As parents, our job is to raise young men and women - not to be a "buddy". I have a lot of conversations with my 14 year old son about right and wrong, what type of man he wants to be, etc.. Everyday in the classroom I see kids make decisions that alter the trajectory of their lives, both positively and negatively. Teens are not mentally equipped (I mean that literally - as in their prefrontal cortex is not fully formed) to act like adults, and we have to do our best to help them at times. There are some bells in life you can't unring. 

I have always loved this analogy: Children are the arrow, and parents are the archer. Once the arrow is free of the bow there is absolutely nothing the archer can do to change its path, but if the archer took enough care to aim the arrow in the first place, it will come close to its target.

I know life is not always as simple as that, but I can tell you that when a teacher has a big issue with a student (kid is into drugs, is extremely disrespectful, will not try in school, etc.) and we talk to the parents (if that is possible) - almost every time it becomes obvious why the kid acts that way. I know we all do our best as parents, but some kids are blessed with a great situation at home, and some are stuck in situations you would not believe - and their lives and choices reflect that.

I tell my own son that we become the sum of our friends - so choose who you let into your inner circle very wisely. 

And to further complicate things... even with your experience and great observations, these things you said don't really mesh...

"I tell my own son that we become the sum of our friends - so choose who you let into your inner circle very wisely." isn't really feasible when "Teens are not mentally equipped (I mean that literally - as in their prefrontal cortex is not fully formed) to act like adults.. ".

It's a very fine line that we all struggle to identify.  Of course, none of us have mastered it completely.  It is my experience that kids can be and are significantly influenced still well beyond the age of 14, so that is one area that I may disagree with some of the POV's here.  Yes, the foundation has been set but there is still so much opportunity to guide, so much work to be done.  I agree that you want to start letting the leash out further and further at that point (if earned) but, by no means has the cake been baked.  Heck, some of the most important and most difficult issues to work through happen during those mid to late teen years.   I think the efforts shift somewhat away from visible front and center parenting to more behind the scenes monitoring with proper guidance when the need shows itself but steady diligence is still very much in order.  JMO. 

When our three grown adult kids were in that age range, we found that just when we started thinking we were to the point we could relax a bit and thinking they were totally headed in the right direction, that's when we were most likely to get bit with surprises.  And for the many I have coached, I have seen a LOT of kids reach points during these years when they were influenced, for better or worse, to take their lives down a distinct path.  And it certainly hasn't always been just the ones without good earlier parental guidance that have taken a wrong turn.

Last edited by cabbagedad

As a parent just do your best. Don’t beat yourself up over mistakes. Learn from mistakes. Move on. Do better. Don’t assume everything is perfect in the house across the street. No one’s life is perfect. You just don’t see the imperfections. 

There was a poster here who ragged on me for thinking my life was rainbows and unicorns. I don’t dwell on the agony. I make very little of it public. Who wants to hear it? A line I once heard is “half don’t want to hear it. Half are glad you have problems.” I move on. 

Last edited by RJM

I can't add much to this thread other than to mention that schools are doing their best to deal with changes like vaping.  However, there are so many other things we have to deal with like sexting, cyber bullying, ...  

I've often mentioned to anyone who will listen that at some point every parent has to make a decision as to whether they are parents or biological(s).   It is easy to be a biological.  It is hard to be a parent.  The most important word a parent has to know besides "love" is "no."  

Since many of you know I live my life by quotes or "sayings, " here are a few on my classroom wall:

"Sometimes a person can be so right that they are wrong."

"Don't be sorry.  Be better!"

"Show me your friends and I'll show you your future."

 

I raised my kids allowing them to make their own decisions when it wouldn’t harm them. Here’s one I still remember when my son was five.

He wanted money for a second ice cream from the truck. He bugged me. I gave him the money for seven days worth of ice creams. It was gone in three days. 

He bugged me for more money. I reminded him I told him he could spend the money anyway he wanted. But he wouldn’t get more for a week. 

Then I said, “Always remember actions have consequences.”

Through high school I could explain any decision making with two words .... Ice cream.

Last edited by RJM

I cursed my Dad under my breath many times. I mean many times. There were times I hated him. There were times I wanted to walk up to him and punch him in the face. I remember waking up on Saturday morning and wanting to do things with my friends. "Get up time to go to work!" Move that pile of rocks over there and put them over there. After you cut the grass. Once you finish that let me know. In the summers we were taken to my Grand Dad's farm to work the tobacco crop. There was no running water in the house. You had to get it from the well pump just outside the back door. Of course that meant there were no bathrooms in doors either. There was a pot on the floor you could use or walk to the out house that was about 50 yards behind the house. Yeah good times.

My Dad did allow us to play sports. He called them games. You going to play games this year? Lol I still laugh at that. He grew up very poor and very hard. He was determined we were going to do more and be more than the rest of his large family. He was the one that walked off the farm and joined the Army to escape the life as a share croppers son. At 18 and a 4th grade education he found his place. He would get his GED in the Army. Eventually be the first one in his family to go to college. And he earned his degree after retiring from the Army. My Mom was the one that would sneak into the room after Dad when to bed and say "Honey he loves you. He just believes he needs to raise a man and he is preparing you for life. But he loves you deeply." I remember saying to myself "Well he has a helluva way of showing it." 

The older I got and the longer I was out of the house our relationship slowly changed. His advice and counsel was rock solid. He went from being the man that demanded constantly and disciplined consistently to the man that listened and offered wise counsel. His words before I married my wife of 37 years so far "You remember this son. She was here first. She will be here when they are all grown up and move on to starting their own families. She comes first. She comes before you. Treat her like the Queen and you will be her King." 

As the years went by he became my best friend. I remember not having enough money to purchase heating oil for my home. I was putting my wife through college at UNC on a police officers salary working part time jobs on the side. It was so freaking cold and I didn't know what I was going to do. I remember like it was yesterday walking through the door expecting Rhonda to be upset because it was so cold in the house. "Honey we have heat!" I asked her how in the world did that happen? "I called your Dad and told him. I promised him I would tell you. He filled the whole tank up and told me if I ever needed anything to call him." He treated my wife like a Queen. Just like he treated my mom. 

I never mentioned that to my Dad.  But we both knew. My Dad not one time told me he loved me. Never not once. That wasn't things men that came from his life did. But he showed me over and over again. As I grew older i came to the understanding he was showing me how much he loved me during those times I cursed him under my breath. I just wasn't wise enough, old enough, to understand. He gave me things money could never buy. He game me things he knew I was going to need. He gave me things to pass down to my children. He gave me more than I ever understood but each day understand a little more. 

I tell my boys every time I talk to them on the phone before I hang up. "I love you son." My Dad taught me that. By not ever doing it. We learn as we go. But we never stop being a parent. I have no idea what led me to post all of this. Sometimes I just feel the need to speak my heart. Have a Blessed day. 

Coach_May posted:

I cursed my Dad under my breath many times. I mean many times. There were times I hated him...

...I tell my boys every time I talk to them on the phone before I hang up. "I love you son." My Dad taught me that. By not ever doing it. We learn as we go. But we never stop being a parent. I have no idea what led me to post all of this. Sometimes I just feel the need to speak my heart. Have a Blessed day. 

Coach_May I believe it is time for you to truly consider writing that book.  Hope you have a Blessed day!!

I am with you Coach May to a point.  My dad never said I love you as I was growing up even though I knew it by his actions.  He got that from his dad.  I was in my 20's when I heard it the first time.  Now he says it every time he hangs up the phone or leaves.  I say to my boys who say it to me because I never heard it.  One of my friends was in the car with me when I was talking to my oldest son on speaker phone.  When we finished our conversation my 28 year old said Love you dad and I said it back.  My friend said that is the coolest thing that your sons would say it outloud.  I have to start that with my son.  My youngest son has shouted it from the field or said it in front of his friends.  One mom said how much do you pay him to do that?  I said nothing.  She said I would love to hear that from my son for any amount of money in public, I rarely hear it in private. 

My statements on being strict with my sons were somewhat bashed but that is ok.  My 28 and 26 year old have become successful men who don't drink or do drugs or mess around.  The morals I placed in their lives growing up have held.  I think you can be strict if you are doing it in love and honesty.  I tell my kids all the time that I set up guidelines because I want to take some of the stress out of their lives and help them have an out.  It is so much easier to say my dad won't let me go somewhere or do something that it is to say I don't want to.  i will gladly be his out.  He also knows that we have people watching him all the time and that is a good thing.  I also think that discipline is relative to your lifestyles.  I know parents who say every teenager drinks so I will just give mine his at the house or parents who say every teenager is having sex so I will make sure mine have condoms.  I never drank or had sex and a lot of my friends were the same so I'm glad my parents didn't tell me it was ok.

Zia2021 posted:

3) Don't let a bad HS coach ruin the game for your kid. This can take many forms. For us, it was the fact that the coach is a nice guy but terrible leader/coach. This frustrates our kid and burned him out. Coach made him play on 3 teams his freshman year when he was good enough to play V only. [I assure you, we are not one of those families that think little Johnny was good enough to play V but he really wasn't; it really was true in our case as pointed out to us by several knowledgeable baseball coaches.] But our HS coach believes younger kids don't play V no matter what (unless you are 1 of his 2 kids and then you can be on V). Our HS coach is a super nice guy, and dedicates a lot of time and energy to the team, but he is a terrible leader and coach. He doesn't know how to motivate or control his players (for example, several of them are potheads and he knows it, but does nothing because 1 of their dad's is a volunteer coach and the other families he's known since they were kids in our small town). So... our kid dressed freshman team because the program didn't have enough players to fill 3 teams; therefore, all freshman (except the coaches 2 kids) dressed every freshman game. Our kid HATED playing on the freshman team because the rest of the team was the Bad News Bears; it even had tiny little 7th graders on the team just to fill the roster. After the competitive travel ball he had been playing for years, it was a joke; he knew it and we knew it. We tried to keep our feelings out of it though and encouraged him to be the best HE could be. He also dressed and played JV unless a freshman game conflicted. He dressed V most games just to run (apparently coach is ok exploiting a kid for his speed talent while not letting him play). The last 2 weeks of his freshman HS season, he played 22 games in 14 days across the 3 teams, with no days off, and school was still in session. He was the only player dressing all 3 teams. I don't care how much you love the game, it becomes miserable at that point. In hindsight, we should have talked to the coach at the beginning of the season and limited our kid to 2 teams. We didn't care which 2 teams (freshman and JV would have been fine with us), but 3 is ridiculous. I agree with the wisdom shared here often that parents should not talk to the coach unless it is a health/safety issue. This was one of those times, as evidenced by the fact that our kid became so exhausted at some points he could barely function (his overall mental health tanked). So this was truly a health/safety issue for our kid. We also wish we would have sent him to a different school with a better baseball program (2 private schools with excellent programs in our area were options.) So be careful when choosing a HS program, and speak up when necessary to protect your kid (especially pitcher parents).

There are so many red flags regarding your perspective of the HS program.  Parents need to fully commit to their sons coaches.  I don't care how careful you are to keep your opinion from your kid, it will impact him negatively if you feel this bad about a program.  

I have yet to be a part of a program where all the parents thought it was great.  More or less every program has three groups of parents.  Approximately 1/3 rd thinks its great, 1/3 rd thinks its OK, and 1/3 rd thinks it's horrible.  EVERY program has these camps of parents.  These are from championship programs with top talent and coaching all the way down to daddy ball.  

Parents please understand, YOU have the BIGGEST impact on how much your son is enjoying being part of a team and the game.  The most important piece of the journey is that it's fun!  

Add Reply

×
×
×
×
Link copied to your clipboard.
×