Coaching your own kid

A friend of mine thought this problem was driving a wedge between himself and his son.

The only solution he could come up with was to stop coaching.

Probably not the answer you're looking for, but it did work for my friend, from the standpoint of keeping a healthy relationship with his son. He misses coaching but decided the father-son relationship was more important.

Yankeelvr,

I know this is easier said than done......but. Start treating your son just like the other players. In order for you to do that, he has to start treating you like a coach instead of a dad; at least when you are between the white lines. He should be calling you coach, and you should be referring to him just like you do the other players, usually by their name whether it be first or last or some baseball nickname...not son or buddy or pal.

I was fortunate and priveleged to be able to coach my son in college, and dad was for outside the fence. It will take some getting used to but believe me the other players will pick up on it and it will actually make things easier for him as a player.

It will be tough, but you should try it. I hope this helps or at least gives you some other ideas. Good Luck!

O42

quote:

I was fortunate and priveleged to be able to coach my son in college

AWSOME!!! That had to be a great experience.

I like the idea of "Coach" while on the field. Many kids (especially younger ones) will expect some small amount of special treatment from "Dad" and maybe get frustrated if it doesn't happen, but I think they'd realize that a COACH absolutely doesn't play favorites.

I haven't had many problems arise from coaching my own son, but it does happen. On a couple of occasions I've made an example out of him at a practice for horseplay, after reflecting for a couple of days I felt like I over reacted. I think for the most part though when we've had problems it hasn't been so much on the field but
a) driving home after a frustrating practice or game, or
b) while practicing at home in the yard I was being a coach instead of a dad.

So now we don't talk about a practice or game until at least the following day, unles my son is the one to bring it up. Someone on another board said that he likes to set the example of the even-keeled adult, don't get down about bad games, but likewise don't get too high even after a good game, I think that's a good idea.

As far as being too much of a coach at home, there were many times when I'd be somewhat pushy about 'it's time to practice now' and then really push to stay focused on what we were practicing etc. Sometimes that didn't go over real well and I've learned to back off. I've searched and searched for ways to motivate my son to practice at home and finally found a good carrot to use. Our kids have had a daily limit on TV, video games, etc. since they were toddlers. My son's in middle school and is really into playing online games, so now for every X number of balls hit off the Tee, or for every X number of minutes that we long toss, or for every X number of line drives hit at the batting cage he earns extra minutes for his online gaming. Naturally school work comes before anything, but that's a non-issue with my kids. (BRAGGING TIME - son's lowest report card grade so far this year was a 97.) Now he'll come to me and asks to go outside and throw or hit (I think aside from earning extra online time he's realizing that with the Tee work etc. that he's showing good improvement).

Last, I'll just add that I finally learned to appreciate the time spent with my son enjoying baseball together. It's not all about winning games, and not even about him making it to the next level (HS Team), but we're both doing something we enjoy together and we're both still learning.

coaching your son is a tough situation, At the youth level it is one thing but high schoolis tough. He could bethe best player ever and for some he is only playing becausehe is your son. On the other hand if you sit him down or pinch hit for him you have to go homewith him.

The above advice to separate the role of father from that of coach is right on target!
My husband coached our youngest's team in lower school years. We live very close to the field. The night of the first practice, my son walked back in our kitchen about 10 minutes after practice started. The boys had been horsing aroung, not paying attention, so my husband sent my son home! My first question when we marched back up to the field...Did you send anyone else home?

Try to treat your son like everyone else. BTW...everything went well after that first incident. Sometimes your own son can really push dad's buttons more than his peers. Its a different level of tolerence (and annoyance), but they're all equal players on the baseball team and the coach's son shouldn't have to endure dad's wrath more than his friends.

KC,
Funny you mentioned that incident. Last year my son questioned a called third strike ending an inning. Told him it was umpires call to make not his. Kept jawing at me about the call from his position, i pulled him from field and sat him on bench. kept jawing me on bench... sent him to sit with Mom down RF line... 5 min. later still hear him jawing... sent him home... Mom was less than pleased with me but got my point across, no more problems like that the rest of the year. However, my Wife did ask if I would have done the same if it wasn't my kid and I honestly couldn't say I would. (U10 baseball) All the advice to treat each player equally is great until you try to put it to practice. I happen to think a big part of coaching is figuring out what makes each kid tick and giving them that guidance and support. Unfortunately the coach's kid just seems to get to be the "example" more often than others. BTW, my son plays on other teams I have no involvement with (baseball included) and is a model teammate. I'd like to think some of that is due to not being "favored" by Dad. I make a point of asking each of my boys every year if they want me to coach them, so far the answer is always yes. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

There is no way a parent can treat the son the same as every other kid on the team.
I have seen coaches coach their son and it has been a disaster in a couple of cases.
Our organizations only allow it when they are desperate for a coach.
I was good fiends with my son's coach in AAA ball and he admitted to me he only coached his son to get him playing time. The last year becfore college his son played Elite ball with my son and he was constantly complaining because his son was not pitching enough. A lot of the time the parent cannot see the special treatmen good or bad.

BobbleheadDoll,

I can understnad what you are saying, but believe me when you coach at the collegiate level as I did, there isn't any daddy ball. At the field it was all business and he was treated like any other player. He was ripped when he needed to be and praised when he needed to be....just like any other player on the squad.

To be honest not too much had to be said to any player at the JuCo I was at. Every player knew what was expected and what type of program they were in.

O42

My story is this. My Dad never "coached" me in Little League, Babe Ruth League, High School or College. That is to say, he was never the team coach. But he came to all my games he could and would talk to me after each game about what i did right or wrong and how I could do better the next game. He would, however, coach me at home by hitting me ground balls, passing with me, throwing pitches to me, etc.

When my children got to the appropriate age for joining organized baseball, I felt that my father had not done enough for me. He had been afraid that people woudl think he favored me and so he refused to coach me in organized baseball. I learned the "individual" game from him at home and in private but I had to learn the "team" game from someone else. So, my wife and I decided I would do it differently. I would coach my sons both at home and in organized baseball. But each boy and I had a long talk and reached an understanding before I did it. I told each son up front that I would be harder on them than the other players and he would have to live with that or I would not coach. Yes, a few times early on they tried to push my buttons and see what I would put up with but without too much effort on my part they "got with the program" and it was a fantastic experience.

However, I should note that I truly believe, at some point, you have to give it up and let your son learn from someone else. For me it was Junior League [ages 13-14] for both boys. Another man coached the team for those years and, after the first season was over, both boys thought I was a much better coach than they had originally thought. Mind you, I still went to the games and coached them at home but someone else was deciding when they pitched or what position they played or where they were in the batting order, etc. When they got to Legion Ball age they were only too happy for me to coach them again.

TW344

I coached mine in Little League 11-12 and in Jr League 13-14. Just "helped" out previous to that. Did find myself with a double standard in regards to him, but also noticed that he thought he could get away with more. We butted heads on more than one occasion over things that would not have been a problem if we weren't father/son. We have stopped the Rec ball this year and he has spent the last 2 years on a very well coached travel ball team. Now I'm just the driver/home practice partner/dad in the stands. Guess what? I love it to death.

A friend of mine did approach me the other day with the idea of starting a 10U travel team...no coach's kids on the team.Hmmmmm, now that's a thought.

Kooch:
Same here.
I just knew not to Coach my son after twelve years old.
It was great, and I loved to Coach.
Ball Players need Other influances in there life.
I made the right Decision.
Everything is going great, and my son has excelled.
He's had differant Coaches every year since 13 yrs. old.
One school Coach, one Summer Travel Coach.
He will finely have, this his Senior Year in HS the Same Coach 2 yrs in a row.
And the same summer travel Coach 2 yrs. in a row.
And each experience has help him grow into a Player that now can handle what ever the Coach throw's at him.
All differant styles of coaching has made him mature faster.
I'm not recommending this. It just has worked for my son.
It's nothing we planned, it just worked out that way.

I would love to start my own travel team.
No parent's involved, Maybe 14 to 16 yr. old's.
Just to see if I could be a good coach. It would be Fun. The EH

Oriole I agree that at college it is different.

TW I did thje same thing as far as teaching in private but would never coach him in an organized team. You are eithrer favouring him or too hard on him to over compensate.
My wife coached my daughters and was too hard on them.
We have had some very bad experiences with fathers coaching teams and the AAA local organization only allows it when all other possibilities are exhausted. They won't allow fathers to sponsor their son's teams as well.

KC,

When you marched back to the field did you expect special treatment because you were his wife, and not just some players mom?

I think in some instances a coach's son has to be held to a higher standard, because often the team takes it's bearings from that player as to how to act on the field, in practice, how much they try to get away with etc . . . If the coach's son is held to a certain standard then usually the team falls in line. It's up to the dad/coach which standard to hold him up to - let him horse around or will you hold him to a higher standard.

This is something that should be discussed with your son ahead of time, tell him what is expected and why. Tell him why you expect more from him - because he is looked at as a team leader and so you are counting on him to be a good example. It worked well for me, never had any problems and having my son in my corner so to speak really helped and dictated how the team conducted themselves.

"I think in some instances a coach's son has to be held to a higher standard, because often the team takes it's bearings from that player as to how to act on the field, in practice, how much they try to get away with etc . . . If the coach's son is held to a certain standard then usually the team falls in line. It's up to the dad/coach which standard to hold him up to - let him horse around or will you hold him to a higher standard."

Hadn't thought of it this way Dad10 great insight.

Dad10...
No, I didn't expect special treatment. At least not until I got home, but that's another story!
I would have taken him back up to practice no matter who the coach was. If he was misbehaving, he should have to run, do push-ups, sit out... whatever the rest of the team would do in the same situation.
My point was that he was sent home because of the dad/son relationship and my husband had less tolerence for his own son. He would never have sent anyone else home.
Its very hard to be both dad and coach. This incident happened in early grade school (I believe 2nd grade). Happy to say this son is now in 7th grade and he and his dad have enjoyed many sports together.
You're right, we needed to establish the ground rules for my son who tried to push the limits and thought he could get away with more since his dad was in charge. But we also needed ground rules for my husband when he made the jump from dad to coach. Its tough.

I have coached my oldest son for 5 years. right know he is 13 years old and in 7th grade. I try to treat him the same as the other players but it is very, very difficult. A comment that I may make will be viewed by him much differently than another player. It isn't easy being the coaches kid either. They have to proove that they are deserving of their playing time and positions in the field. I basically have told him that I will do my best to treat him like everyone else and when I make a mistake please forgive me becasue I am human. Another suggestion is to make an agreement with another one of your coaches that if your son makes a mistake and needs to be talked to, that it will come from the other coach and not you.

ballcoach,
Another Coach and I do have the agreement you spoke of. This has helped quite a bit over the last few years. I'm lucky to be coaching with a quality individual who has a great deal of coaching experience (college, HS, etc...) Both of us are always on the lookout for what works...

my dad coached (or at least help coached every year that I played growing up. he was hard on all of us, he and one of my other coaches used to love to make us run a lot when he did things wrong in practice. he was always harder on me, kept pushing me to do things more fundamentaly right (initially I did a lot more running than everyone else but I learned not to play ground balls off to the side, etc. and after the first year I only remember having to run 2 or 3 times in 3 or 4 years). He pushed me hard, kept pointing out things I was doing wrong. At that time it pissed me off that he never seemed to notice the things I did right, but looking back I wished he had pushed me harder, especially to get in better shape. Thinking back now I cant believe how stupid I was to actually want to quit playing because of some of the things that went on between us back then, of course part of the problem was I didnt think he wanted to spend enough time helping work on my game (since Im an only child living in an area with no one else my age that could really help me work on my game) but I guess he worked with me as much as he could. But I do wish I could go back to those days and do somethings differently.

thatguy303

quote:

Thinking back now I cant believe how stupid I was to actually want to quit playing because of some of the things that went on between us back then, of course part of the problem was I didnt think he wanted to spend enough time helping work on my game (since Im an only child living in an area with no one else my age that could really help me work on my game) but I guess he worked with me as much as he could. But I do wish I could go back to those days and do somethings differently.

tg303,
There is only so much a father can do to motivate or push.
For Fear of pushing to hard to the point of Rebellion.

It must come from the Player, To decide how much effort they want to put into there Dream.

And when the Player's done, there are no Regret's. the EH

Oriole42, I am with you. I coached my kid for 12 years, right threw high school. I was actually assisting at the high school before he got there. On the field he knew I was coach and he was player. He was treated no better, no worse than anyone else. He worked as hard as any other player and he sat his share of the time. Head coach would ask my advice on playing my son and I always said, " you make out the lineup card with your best nine, and don't worry about hurt feelings". It worked out according to my 20 year old boy.