Excessive IM use-Ideas?

Hokieone,

The way we are handling this situation is to not furnish our freshman son with a computer in his room...if he needs to use a computer he has access to them in the athlete's academic building along with tutors if he's having problems in any of his classes.

I know when he's home he will stay up to all hours sometimes chatting to his friends on AOL and I can imagine that he would be prone to doing this if a computer were too convenient as in his dorm room. It's a habit that will take time to break but as he gets more college experience I think he will be able to handle the responsibility...we just didn't want to take a chance this first year. He asked for a computer for Christmas but we said that he would have to wait until next year.

He has a 3.5 GPA for his first semester and I can't say that he would or wouldn't have done as well with a computer in his room but obviously his grades didn't suffer any and he managed to put up with the minor inconvenience of having to go to another location to use a computer, so I am happy with our decision.

Next year when he is living offcampus we will get him a computer and hopefully he will be adept enough at budgeting his time after a year of college that he will be able to handle the use of the computer responsibly.

That's just my opinion...each family has to do what they think is best for their child.



Ann

Checking your son's "buddy list" !!!!!

Invasion of his privacy is it not?

I would question this move -- how did he take it ?

TRhit

I bought my daugter a cell phone and bought the 25 message package. She went over it to the tune of 491 messages at $.10 a meassage. That is right $49.10 in extra fees. We made her pay for it and told her to stop. She did, but unforunately we were already 15 days into the next cycle, or 761 im's at $.10 apiece. She is paying for that as well. So we boosted her messages to 300 for 9 bucks. We found at that aim users can have them come directly to the phone and respond from the phone. We put an end to that. AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH

"I love the HSBBW"

We haven't had a problem with IM's on the computer but I did find the text messages on the cell phone increasing each month ... tho not nearly to the extent that BigHit has. We are just making him pay for any and all text messages because we did NOT include those in his phone plan ... he has enough free minutes and mobile-to-mobile to allow him to take care of any and all business requiring a cellular service ... I told him he could e-mail his friends because it is free !!!!

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Go HIGHLANDERS !!!
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Hokie -

Unfortunately the problem with AOL IM or actually all IM systems is that you can't limit the number of buddies, nor can you actually control the accounts, unless you are the owner or have the password access as they are free to anyone. You can also have as many as you have email addresses.

I know that Chris spends tons of times on IM and has about 75-80 on his buddy list.. This use to bother me alot but its a sign of the times and isn't going away. It's just like the old days with the house phones always being tied up.

This is where you need to have the adult conversation with the kids, explaining that you are paying for an education from a college not a IM education and the kids at college have to step up and handle the responsibily of turning it off when they need to do so. As long as Oldest has a computer at school with internet access you can't stop the access to an IM account.

Now that Chris is away from home I actually love the convenience of IM.. We probably "talk" every day, he leaves me messages on mine all the time, and I do the same to him.. Its has made the adjustment of being so far from home and all his friends easier because thru IM they are still with him and they are able to stay in contact. It's also reassuring to me as well as I can contact him from just about anywhere. I can't imagine what the phone bills were for college parents before IM came into existance..

As for cell phones that accept IM's.. We had the feature disabled on all our phones as soon as we got them, the same with * 6 9 feature as that costs as well..

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"Baseball, it is said, is only a game. And the Grand Canyon is only a hole."

"JustMom"

No invasion of privacy here-we require our guys give us passwords, and they both have their password automatically inserted anyway. The policing by us can be avoided, but my threat was that if I even suspect a bypass, a used Smith-Carona will be on its way to Carolina.

JustMom- I like IM, and #1 son will pop on and say a few words almost daily, a very nice thing, but when his grades landed somewhere south of Bolivia, my fuse was lit and after the obligatory speech about my being the payor of all bills, and hearing the "my life" bit a little too much, I let him know I'd be only too glad to stay out of the college academic picture AFTER I saw a demonstration of academic maturity. We all know that baseball players have precious little free time, but mine didn't get it done in the classroom and dug himself a hole. #1 can pull it out next semester, but a repeat of this semester will have him pitching slow pitch softball for Food Lion. He seems to be with the program and is anxious to pull things up, so we're praying that the academic dedication is real. (A combination of ex-, no wait, not ex-, well, okay, ex-, no, not ex- exactly, girl friend, mixed with a little too light on the books for the first several weeks was lethal.) Things look better now but spring academics will be critical.

I had a great time explaining that if our new rules get abused, the computer would be replaced with a Smith-Corona typewriter el pronto

I really admire a parent who is willing to parent...Good for you(and you too, OUBsbMom)...

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By the time you learn how to play the game...
You can't play it anymore ~ Frank Howard

I guess I am in the minority, my son is on the computer a lot and I know he has IM but don't have a clue how much he uses it. I mean at this point in their life they are adults and as long as he does what he is suppose to as far as school or summer jobs I am not going to question what he is doing in his free time.

As for cell phone he has had one for several years (comes in handy when traveling to other cities and states playing baseball)...and he has never gone over....the only rule I have on this is call me when you are out of state so I know you are ok...what can I say...I am still a mom at heart.

sampb

I think if ya look closely, you'll find it's a time management & college adjustment thing & doesn't have a thing to do with computers or IM


count you blessings, he could be a rush party sipping the punch that "melts the plastic cups"



lefties? - - - they just aint right!

Hokieone,

I agree completely....we have always required that we be given the passwords to our kids computer accounts. They know that I will not abuse their privacy unless they give me reason to. They also know that their dad and I will crash into their little cyber world the minute they give us cause or concern to.

As for the IM's.....we were just talking the other day about how "kids today" don't have that loss of communication with their high school friends the way WE did when we went off to college in the covered wagon. In a way, I think it has helped with the transition to college life by being able to keep in touch with friends from home. I keep in touch via IM with our son very frequently. I also like to check in periodically to see if he is online when he SHOULD be in class! Now THAT is a GOOD way to use MY "buddy list".

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I also like to check in periodically to see if he is online when he SHOULD be in class! Now THAT is a GOOD way to use MY "buddy list".

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Ah yes...the buddy list! I was up early one morning and turned on my computer only to find my son on-line at 5:30am! I thought well isn't this nice...he's up early studying for his final this morning! Little did I know that he had never gone to sleep.....

"I also like to check in periodically to see if he is online when he SHOULD be in class! Now THAT is a GOOD way to use MY "buddy list".


Yea mine was busted for that a few times.. I also love the idle feature, especially on weekends or late class the next day nights.. Seems I always know when he stayed out late.. LOL.. I bite my tongue though and try not to say anything as long as the grades are acceptable and his 3.25 for his first semester of college is very acceptable

I am trying to let him spread his wings as much as possible..

He doesn't have to worry about academic probation at school, because what the school requires is MUCH lower than what we require and he knows we are dead serious that if he doesn't hit what we require he will be home the next semester attending the local University or community college.. That was our rule in HS with regards to sports and its our rule at college since we have to foot the bill that his scholarship doesn't cover.. In this there is NO flexibility.

BTW - If anyone needs my IM name and doesn't have it send me a PM.. I don't post it on live boards since there are so many lurkers..

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"Baseball, it is said, is only a game. And the Grand Canyon is only a hole."

"JustMom"

Amen JustMom! I'm with ya. I really think mine will get it done, but given the depth of his hole, I will keep closer tabs on it than would be the norm. We don't want to see another mid-term suprise. I look forward to the day when I can ask about grades at the end of exams, but that time isn't the present. I won't be above e-mailing profs to get status of grades if necessary-that'll really rock the old boat!

And I thought I was done with school.........

I do have my oldest's password, but I don't do IM at all with him. Probably should, but I do worry about viruses and I am led to believe IM lists are a chief vehicle for that.

Good topic, though

I watched seven of my eight brothers and sisters earn college degrees after being raised in poverty, a broken home, and having my mother pass away with five of them still at home, forcing the two youngest to be raised in foster homes. I am convinced outside influences are NOT the blame for failure.
The cell phone, the DVDs, the MP3 players, X-Box, and computer IM’s are not the real cause of a student failing to do their assigned duties, they are just convenient and obvious scapegoats. Over the years it has been a variety of things. The omnipresent girl, TV, radio, telephone, joyriding, parties, hanging out, video games, shuffle board, shooting pool, foosball, darts, or drinking beer all fall into the same category. When we can’t blame an object or an activity we just blame it on other people. There are a lot of these people running around. We call them the……… “Wrong crowd”.
I also think it is impossible to remove all these distractions from your son. If you try to remove them you stand a chance of possibly just alienating him and changing his supply source. I personally think the blame rest squarely on the shoulders of the student/athlete (our sons).
Hokieone, I have had the same thoughts and talks with my son. The first thing we talked about was failure (we call it failure to succeed). We have to agree on what constitutes failure so we can draw the line in the sand. Next and quite recently, I made an agreement with him. Man to man, face to face! …..Bottom line, I told him I will be more than happy to finance his success but he will have to finance his failures. To finalize the agreement, he initiated a hand shake and a hug.
Fungo

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

..and we will now sing all four verses of "Just as I Am"

Each to his own but I have too much respect for my kids to be checking their buddy list or whatever-- I cannot remmeber a time that if they were going to be late (after curfew) that they did not pick up the phone and call to let us (parents) know.

As my Dad said to me as a teen "I cannot be with you all the time--I can only hope that what I taught you has sunk in"-- he never checked up on me nor I on my kids in the manner displayed here--the youngest is now 24 and they are all in fine shape.

Like I have always said--whatever floats your boat !!!

Don't make it wrong dont make it right !!!!

TRhit

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Originally posted by OldVaman:
I do have my oldest's password, but I don't do IM at all with him. Probably should, but I do worry about viruses and I am led to believe IM lists are a chief vehicle for that.

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OldVAMan -

AOL IM is very safe, just set the preferences to not allow the transfer of files and you aer fine, ICQ on the other hand is loaded with viruses and I would never permit that on any computer we use..

We run virus protection 24/7 on all computers, updates patches behind the scene.. You havent seen a mad women until you have seen me if I catch a computer being run with the protection purposely turned off I've had to clear out computers in the past and hope to never do that again.

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"Baseball, it is said, is only a game. And the Grand Canyon is only a hole."

"JustMom"

Fungo hopeyou dont mind if I steal that line and use it on my son,
Man to man, I would love to finance your success but you will have to finance your failures.
such a great way to let a young man know every choice he makes is good or bad right or wrong and someone has to pay a price for all those great things he gets to enjoy.
and I never forget to tell him to have fun, after his work is done ... just like we all have to do it.

...it was a Fungo classic, wasn't it?

TRHit. as you can see by more earlier post.....I agree with you and I guess we are in the minority....

sampb

Justmom,

We thought we could use the buddly list to see if he was chatting when he should be in class. These kids are slick though. He told us he was on a library computer, when we noticed him online, and sent him a message asking how he was chatting when he should be in class. Fortunately his grades are fine...but he is a slick one

Also you can have as many screen names as you like, so if they wanted to, they could just have another screen name you don't know about. They could also use a program called "Dead Aim" and have multipul screen names up at the same time.

I think Fungo is on the right track that

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I am convinced outside influences are NOT the blame for failure.

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I think it best you talk with him as you are doing, and hope he makes the right decisions. I believe we will all be using this Fungoism

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Bottom line, I told him I will be more than happy to finance his success but he will have to finance his failures.

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You have a right to police their activites until they reach 18, as a matter of fact, it is your responsibility. After that, you hope that the values you have installed take root and that they become responsible adults. When they're 18, you've got to let go, they'll find their way!

Knowledge is Power! Thank you Mavens and HSBBWEB!

I love the Fungoism and will steal it; I got a couple lines off of "LA law" years ago, so what the heck....

Chicks: I agree with the letting go, and had done so, but when grades are south of south, we felt it was time to throw a rope; actually I guess I was the rope. It is looking better-gal friend is clearly history (listen for the Mormon tabernacle Quoir singing "HALLELUJAH" in the background), son is actually willing to watch 4 hours of a taped seminar on effective study techniques in college, and is anxious to get back into classes and baseball practice. We're very optimistic, and prayerful, and I look forward to letting go, again. (We have decided to leave the IM alone, and ask him to use good sense in limiting his time on there, and we'll see how things go.)

Yes you are correct especially if your still footing the bill, you should have some control. Good luck!

Knowledge is Power! Thank you Mavens and HSBBWEB!

Hokie =

As a final resort, you just tell Son #1 that if he doesn't get his act together he gets to return to S'burg and face Officer B, then take a ride to Manassas for a talk with Coach A..

That should be all you need.. Hey I have to add some humor here..

This from me who has sat at this computer for the last few hours playing with my new Pocket PC (Ipaq 2215) and seeing all the cool things it does

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"Baseball, it is said, is only a game. And the Grand Canyon is only a hole."

"JustMom"

Footnote to the girl friend in the rear view mirror:

New year's Eve date comes to the house with more curves than a European Grand Prix race, wearing an upper garment that has little top, little bottom, and a tad in the middle doing all the work. After son number 1 and date leave, wife and I just look at each other, and then give it a simultaneous "Oh......My.......Gosh...".

Life is fun.

Hokie

I noticed you said a 4 hour tape on study techniques. Where can I find one for my son? He sure didn't get prepared in HS for college level study habits.
Thanks
Lori

Look for "Where There's a Will, There's an A", the college version. It's on Ebay right often. Lots of tips, many that seem common sense once you hear them. There's a web site for a more involved program but the 2 videos are excellent.

Hokie
Thanks for the info. I found the tapes on Ebay and hopefully Matt will watch them!

My oldest son is in his 2nd year at college. He is a VERY CAPABLE student, but doesn't like to "play the academic game". I told him I was paying for his EDUCATION, NOThis social life. If he got anything less than a "B", I would stop paying the insurance on his car. He came home one weekend, told me he'd gotten a "D" . I asked him, "How are you getting back to school?" He had to have a friend take him back. He's paying for the insurance himself now. So, if grades aren't up to snuff, the phone goes, then his monthly allowance. This doesn't mean he can't get an education........he'll have to work and get loans. But that's the choice he's making....I think he's determined to learn the hard way........

I agree that you can't control them. I also think they should be at least partially responsible for their tuition. That way they are wasting their money if they choose to IM all night. To me the worst part of IM is the mean things they are willing to say over the computer and their lack of social skills because they talk less face to face.
I installed a chat monitor called Predator guard on my comuters at home. I captures screens that have selected "bad" words or image names. I can go back and review what they have been doing.
They are older now and I don't monitor anymore, but for younger kids it's great.

Hokie,

Laughing at myself laughing at you. Same thing happened to me.

Pictures from prom, Little on top, Little really tight on the bottom and NONE in the middle.

I didn't say Oh! My gosh.

I said, "I wonder what the H E L L happened to the rest her dress."

I just HAD to chime in...this is a great thread!!!!! My son is 2nd year now, and 1st year was a "learning experience". (BIG TIME!) He too, had grades that were "south of south" first semester. While IM helped us keep the lines of comm. open, he also had 80-90 "buddies" on his list and on my visits, his computer was constantly going off with messages! And I also would log on early in the morning, or sometimes in the middle of the nite, to find him "online". I would not IM him at 4 am to see what he was up to, but being on his buddy list was ONE way of semi-monitering his computer use...or was that "abuse"? I would just "know" the next day if he called or I called that he would be tired, and then I'd casually let it slip that I was online and saw him online too (i.e. he knew that I knew) but never had to really say it to him.

My way around the bad grades was just to remind him that the local Comm. college was holding a chair for him, banking that he couldn't/wouldn't "make it" at a bigger school and that one more semester like that and he'd be home! The girlfriend, ugggh, what an adventure there!!!! She attended a school 5 hours away, and was high maintenance, so after his LONG day, he couldnt devote alot of time to homework, cause then she thought he was foolin around on her, so that's where he logged all that IM time, reassuring her He didnt do the work cause he was on the computer with her all nite. I told him he had to decide...bb or her. Well, how much can you really TELL a 19 yr old? So, you wanna hear his/their solution!!!.....This year SHE transferred to his school, and now they are all up in each other's faces 24/7. Happily, I can say that they officially "broke up" this Xmas and he is dating again (at least back here)

Now, my main "worry" is, come bb season in a few weeks, if he is out there playing and she saunters over to the field from her dorm with some s****r player jock on her arm, is son gonna implode on the mound. It really is "suck it up time" for him this year. In some ways, I still wish we had the IM dilemma again, as this really has the potential to be a powderkeg of a spring. Oh well, we shall live thru this too, I suppose!

We cannot control the wind, but we can adjust our sails!

Great Post.....I can really identify.... My son has struggled to keep his head above water while trying to balance academics, baseball, and the "girl"... Talk about high maintenance!
I keep hoping things will change and that baseball will take more of his time than she will... but somehow, I know that isn't likely to happen........ but one can hope, right? Good luck with you son

My son leaves his computer up all the time. When he's away from his room he puts an away message on (class, sleeping, practice, etc). So anybody on his buddy list knows where he is.

You can also put your cursor over the name on the buddy list and tell how long they've been logged in and how long they've been idle, if you so choose.

But, if your son really doesn't want you to know what he's doing, all he has to do his block your login. If your blocked, you don't know when he's on or not on. If you decided to get a new login name and not tell him, he just has to block everybody that's not on his buddy list and you still won't be able to tell.

I think IM is a wonderful thing. I have a 12 year old daughter still at home that can talk to her two older brothers in college just about anytime she wants. It was a very hard thing for her when they left home and this makes it a little easier.

With the two boys, (21 & 19) I feel they are at an age where they have to be responsible for what they do or don't do so I don't monitor either one of them on the computer.

With the 12 year old, it's a little different. I know who is on her buddy list and who she talks too.

Observer

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Pictures from prom, Little on top, Little really tight on the bottom and NONE in the middle

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Sometimes when I attend a school event I am not sure if its a school or the local dance studio that serves adult beverages.

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…..Bottom line, I told him I will be more than happy to finance his success but he will have to finance his failures.

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Fungo, that has got to be one of the most profound comments I have read in this discussion. And I have to agree, it is not the distractions that surround the young man that are to blame for his ultimate success or failure, it is his ability to ignore them and press on towards the goals that define his success.

Hope to see you on the plains before long!

"seven days without bar-b-que makes one weak"