I learned from HSBBW

Powerful.  Thanks for sharing BFS!

Feeling happy for you, thanks for the post.

BFS Sr - Thank you, that brought tears to my eyes and a lump in my throat. 

 

While I never played baseball at a high level, I was a D1 athlete and (I'm ashamed to say) exhibited some of what you so eloquently described above.  I simply thought I was being "tough but fair" to my son. 2015 is a great kid, not quite as talented as yours but will definitely be playing college baseball. In speaking with our travel coach this past weekend it was interesting that he mentioned that he wished dads would either be quiet, or if they have to say something...it must be positive. Kind of thought he was sending me a message, "Lighten up and enjoy your kid!"

 

I'm learning every day from this forum...thanks to everyone, especially the veterans here!

BFS-

 

Great stuff.

 

I have posted this before on this site.  This site is like AA for sometimes over the top baseball parents.

 

I found the site last year before my son was a freshman in HS.  I can say without a doubt I enjoy the game more than ever seen through a totally different perspective.  My son and my wife thank you all for sure.

Good post.  I have exhibited the some of the same behaviors and looking back, I could have slowed down and made the ride more enjoyable for all of us.  I am a work in progress...

I'm lucky enough to have the opportunity with my youngest (8yo) to employ many of the lessons I have learned here - both baseball and life-wise.

 

My oldest is a 2017 playing JV ball now, and I know that there are many mistakes I have made in his journey.  I'm in the position of being able to "do it differently if I had the chance to do it over again" now with my youngest.

 

It's amazing how my perspectives have changed.  While my oldest has turned into a pretty good player, he never had the tools that my youngest does.  I've learned that doesn't mean I need to put him on a travel team, practice with him every day, and analyze his mechanics to death.  He's going to be just fine without all the parental assistance.  Maybe he will end up a great baseball player, maybe he will end up not even playing after this season. In either case it's not really up to me.

 

I look at all the parents at kid pitch games and how nuts they seem - and realize I used to be one of them.  I can only hope for them that perspective comes before too long. 

BFS - What a tremendous post. I can relate to everything you expressed, and really appreciate your candor.  I have made all of those mistakes first hand. This must be what alcoholics anonymous meetings or other support groups feel like. I feel as though I started to get a handle on it a few years back, but it's definitely a process and not a destination. Self awareness is a powerful tool for making the necessary changes. Like you, this board has helped me massively with this and continues to do so... Including your post today. Great stuff... Thank you for it.

Wow BFS, thank you for sharing and I understand it was not easy to put that out there. I am thankful thinking of the next kid who will benefit from your courage.

 

All of us have skeletons in our closet regarding things we have said or done to our kids - I flash back to a 12U tournament with my boy. 17 had a sore arm and did not want to play the rest of the tourney - but I thought it was really important he did (ha DEE da, 12.years.old). I took him into the bathroom and rubbed some icy hot on his arm, with big tears welling up in his eyes - looking back on it now is horrifying to me.

 

That was a turning point for both of us, and I find what really matters is his "love of the game." High school, 4 years of college and one year of rookie ball behind us and the real important thing is 11 years later, he still loves me and I love him. 

Great topic!

 

I too fell into the trap.  I expected perfection it seems.  Actually this is very common and  we see it a lot.  It's one of those things that falls under this...

 

You can learn from your own mistakes, but it is much better to learn from the mistakes others have made. Back foot slider, that is what you did. Congratulations!

 

A lot of us that talk about how the time flies by so quickly and you should try to enjoy it are actually people who didn't sit back and enjoy it enough at the time.  What a fool I once was, what a fool you will be if you ignore the mistakes those before you have made.

Don't beat yourself up too bad, it sounds like you did a bunch of stuff right along the way too. Most talent has to be developed and it sounds like you had him in the right places for this to happen.

Back Foot ... It's never too late to learn. Well done. If you have a tendency to yell at your son's games suck on lollipops. In the time it takes to remove the lollipop from your mouth your brain has a couple of extra seconds to catch up with your emotions. I learned this from a fellow basketball coach who used this to stop getting technicals. 

I am relieved that I didn't manage to choke all of the fun out of baseball for my son. Lots of kids - talented kids - quit before college. And who can blame them? How would any of us like to have what we do for fun critiqued at every turn? I was slow to learn this lesson.

 

This is a great message for all parents. Thanks for sharing.

Love your honesty.

 

 

Great post!  Every parent with a player early in their baseball career should heed Back Foot's advice.  The "car coaching" and rehashing everything that went wrong rarely helps......I did some of that and regret it.  It's hard to remember, but it's a game--it should be fun, an opportunity to learn about baseball and life.

Critical parents drove the rapid growth of extreme sports. Kids got tired of being criticized and quit teams. Parents didn't understand extreme sports and couldn't critique performance.

Great post BFS!!! Thanks!

Thanks, BFS...pretty powerful. 

 

I read this once and can't get it out of my mind when it comes to my son and the dangers of living through him.  "When an ex-player was asked what he disliked most about playing sports as a youth, he said "The ride home.""

Confession is always good for the soul.

It's very hard to learn to balance out what you as a parent should or should not do or say.

From our experience, when son reached HS age, dad left the coaching up to the coaches.

Don't get me wrong dad has had his moments for sure through the years, but it has always been through another way to vent, not directly to son, and only in discussion when son wants to discuss things. It's worked out well, between father and son. They have a better relationship for it. Baseball is just a minor part of what they share and discuss these days.

 

FWIW, we heard the same thing about sonas you have, he would get a good D1 offer someday (which he did), he would be drafted out of HS (which he was not).  Just sit back and relax and enjoy because things sometimes don't always work out as you think they will, or they work out better than you might have ever imagined!

 

I know too many people who have lived and dreamed of what is to come through their young sons and only to end up very disappointed. I think a lot of this happened mostly with the players who were pushed, played too much when they should have been doing other things, etc.

 

FWIW, one of my sons HS friends turned to alcohol and drugs while in college (he was asked to leave after testing positive). Looking back, the way his father treated him when he didn't "perform" as expected, no one was surprised. It took a long time for the two of them to become father and son again.  Also, he was ignored by many top ACC and SEC programs, I think it was due to coaches not wanting to deal with the dad.

My daughters boyfriend has young son who plays 3 sports and the dad is relentless on him. My daughter told me one day, she understands now why we did the things we did with her brother, and mostly that was to keep fun in the game as long as we could before it became way too serious, (in HS they should be enjoying every moment because after that the stakes become higher).  She is actually appalled at how he chews out his son when he doesn't live up to his expectations and the yelling that goes on during the game.

Just remember one thing, your sons talent will speak for itself, he doesn't have to be prefect each time he takes an at bat or pitches or plays the field.  If you want them to be, its never going to happen.  Even the best players in the game have their off days!

Enjoy the ride!

BFS,

 

Great post ! I appreciate your candidness and honesty.

Agree that this is such a powerful post of honesty.  I also agree with TPM that confession is always good for the soul and that acknowledgment verbally or written is important.  Having had a son play ball a long time, I too, can say I have a few regrets as a parent, as we all do.  After my son was released from milb, he said that playing little league was the best part of his career.....it was fun.  There are so many pressures the game and the will to succeed place upon one, that is enough in itself.  I promise at this point and forward, he will need you far more as a supporter and fan than critic.  When it comes to the talented player, everyone else will criticize him, as will the game itself sometimes. At this point in your son's game, take the time to sit back, enjoy the hard work you have shared in and be his biggest fan.  Easier said than done sometimes, but well worth the effort.  I hope your son has a successful season in all respects! 

If it makes you feel any better I ruint my oldest son in baseball by doing the same thing.  His performance was never good enough.  

 

The sad part is that I really didn't know the game that well.  

 

Luckily I have 4 sons so I learned from my mistakes. 

 

I clipped two parts of your posts that I found alarming.  That your wife used divorce to leverage her position.  I realize that this isn't unusual these days but I would encourage you to stand firm. 

Moms may not know as much as you dads as far as the game of baseball. But they are the ones who bore the pain at childbirth and protectors of their offspring.

I would never stand by and allow my child to be ripped apart for not performing as dad thinks he should for a GAME!

 

There has been some great posts, and response to my posts, I will post again in a day or two when I have more time.  

 

TPM - I think baseballmania must have misread the original post.  If anything I am thankful my wife did not leave my as%, for some of the things I did.  Yes, mom is a very unique special part of sons life, and she (as most do) will protect her offspring from any toxic, or destructive environment.  TPM, I am grateful to have a wife that feels the obligation to protect as needed as you do.

Back foot slider:

 

For the sake of your son, I hope the baseball works out the way you expect. Keep in mind, however, no matter how talented the player it is a very, very humbling game and there are lots and lots and lots of very good players at every level.

 

Your son will need you most when things fail to meet expectations and, perhaps, do not even come close. It happens to us all.

 

Best of luck.

southernmom,loved that post

Great post and nothing wrong with an occasional meal consisting of crow-good for the soul you know.

 

   The time will fly by, trust all of us on that, so relax and enjoy it...and get a very good camera, and take lots of pictures. Two reasons: (1). You will really wish later you had, if you don't and (2) It's hard to be "that dad" when you're trying to hold your camera still so in your case it might be therapeutic.   The other piece of unsolicited advice: move Heaven and earth to make it to every single game that you can possibly make.   During my sons' college careers, we missed 4 games total, and I look back now and have absolutely no idea how we did it or how I wasn't disbarred...or shot by some of my clients.   Years from now our guys won't remember all of the game details, but they will tell their grandchildren that mom and dad were at almost every game, no matter the weather or distance. Sometimes the best thing you can do  is just shut up and be there.

I sent my son a Valentine's Day card which in effect said that said if I had it to do over again, I would have lightened up. That was my confession.

 

He is in his first year of D3 ball. No baseball scholarship, no aspirations to play pro ball. He can play just for the love of the game. I hope this is the time of his life.

 

As for me, I am going to sit back and enjoy this special time.

He missed the spirit of BFS's great post completely. His loss. Per usual, a lot more "mania" than "baseball"...

I 

All,

 

I really wasn't sure what kind of reaction I'd get from the OP, and truthfully the post was more an opportunity for myself.  I figured if I was willing to write what I did, it would be hard to make a somewhat public, albeit anonymous admission, and still continue to be "that" person.

 

The added unexpected benefit, was that I received many honest / candid replies about past experiences, and advice, that has driven home the point, that its long past due, to provide my son what he has deserved all this time.

 

To those that responded, a huge thank you! 

 

To those who read the post, and saw some of yourself in it, hopefully it will serve to provide the opportunity to take a step back, and re-evaluate your interaction with your son. 

 

BFS, Jr. pitched yesterday in a very high pressure game, and it felt good to know the only pressure he had to deal with was located inside the foul lines.  He did great, pitched 5 complete innings, and left with a 4-2 lead against last year's State Runner up.  I learned they returned all but two players.   Earlier in the week this same team  beat a rival that had a senior pitcher on the mound who already committed to a high D1, throws in low 90's, and pro scouts in the stands.  They beat them 5-1....so it was a great accomplishment that BFS, Jr. left the game throwing 5 complete and the 4-2 lead.  They scored 3 in the last two innings to win 5-4, but it was fun.  More importantly it must have been great for BFS, Jr. to feel good about his good outing, rather than hear from me all the things he did wrong.

 

Thank you again.

 

 

BFS,

 

Great news.  One thing I would not change if I were you is talking about mistakes.  The key here is being able to do it the right way.  With our first son, I couldn't talk about mistakes without flying off the handle.  I was much better with the next son in blending the bad with something positive.  I found that most often he recognized the same mistakes so it didn't require more discussion. If done calmly in a caring way, maybe even with a little joking around, it can be productive. Sure makes things easier on everyone and actually a lot more fun.

 

I think it's possible to enjoy things and still talk about mistakes.  

PG Staff:  You are correct.  No need to overreact the other direction, there still needs to be a way go over areas in need of improvement, which is constructive, in the right timing, and without beating him up.  Thank you.

BFS

 

I don't post much anymore - but I do still read alot.

IMO - This is still a great site with alot of great advice and perspectives for players and parents at all levels.

 

Your post really caught my attention. Very introspective, honest and interesting.

 

My reaction:

 

1) Honesty and objectivity is always a good thing.

Not the only things - but never bad.

 

2) No matter what you know - or think you know - you are not the one playing the game. As a former player yourself - you should know how it feels to be badgered by anyone - including your parents. It sucks and makes the experience less enjoyable for all.

 

3) It is a great thing for parents to be there for their kids and offer advice - if asked.

If not asked - I think its usually better to just shut up - eat a hot dog and cheer for them. That simple.

 

There is only one thing I ever lectured my kids about - absolutely adamant about no matter what my wife said - or what anyone else said for that matter. I could care less about anyone's opinion when it came to this one message.

 

When you are on the field in any sport - you have an obligation to your teammates, your coach and yourself to give 100% for every single second.

No excuses - ever.

100% all the time - or go find another hobby.

 

I wish your son - and you - the best.

 

 

 

 

 

The only way we can truly help each other is to be willing to be honest and open. The fact is we all have something valuable to share if were willing. The fact is many parents don't learn these valuable lessons until it's too late. Instead of enjoying these times it's filled with stress, worry, an emotional roller coaster.

And what's even worse the player doesn't enjoy the game. They are under intense pressure and that's a shame. Our kids need to know we love them and support them. They need to know that it's not tied to their baseball accomplishments. Like Gamer all I ever demanded was they play hard. Respect the game. Be a good team mate. Great post slider. Good luck to your son.

This is a very timely post. My youngest no longer plays baseball, he gave it up for wrestling. We just finished up districts, he went 0-2. This post helped remind me that hr would probably be feeling bad enough. So there was no talk in the car ride home about what he needs to do to get better.

 

We talked about other things. There will be time for that next week.

Oh man, just saw this from a link you shared.  Amazing story.  Thanks for sharing.

Thanks for bumping this Do3...  This was a great thread.