Mental health issues with college athletes

MrBumstead posted:

This popped up on my Facebook feed the other day.  Thought it was very interesting.

https://www.ncaa.org/about/stu...re-educated-approach

Full disclosure - Kidzilla has had some struggles lately very similar to what the article describes.  Those struggles affected him to the point that it became necessary for him to withdraw from college (hopefully temporarily) and move back home.

We're still sorting this out with him, so I'm certainly not an expert on the subject.  But from our experience so far I can tell you this: once a kid starts to experience these types of issues, the "athlete mentality" that they've been trained to employ on the field really starts working against them.  I'm not saying that controlling body language, persevering though adversity, projecting strength and confidence, "flushing" the mistakes, and all of those other techniques that players are taught to help them master the mental side of the game are bad things.  But if they develop proficiency with those tools and later find themselves struggling with depression, anxiety disorders, etc., then that same mentality may drive them to ignore the problems, to avoid seeking help, and to mask their problems from coaches, teammates, family, etc.  It certainly did with my son.

He's started working with a counselor.  Hopefully soon we can start formulating Plan B.  Remains to be seen if/how baseball fits into that.  But since it doesn't look like he'll be in college in the spring, it looks like his only playing option in the spring is going to be a men's amateur baseball league (or as Domingo calls it: "Sunday League").

It takes a lot of courage to put this out there + I applaud you for it.  The amount of pressure on kids today to succeed, achieve or do better than their parents is mind boggling.  Much more emphasis needs to be placed on the total well being of all athletes.  May the counseling your son seeks work and make him stronger so that he can accomplish his goals, in the manner he wants to.  Stay strong, God bless you + your family.

MrBumstead posted:

This popped up on my Facebook feed the other day.  Thought it was very interesting.

https://www.ncaa.org/about/stu...re-educated-approach

Full disclosure - Kidzilla has had some struggles lately very similar to what the article describes.  Those struggles affected him to the point that it became necessary for him to withdraw from college (hopefully temporarily) and move back home.

We're still sorting this out with him, so I'm certainly not an expert on the subject.  But from our experience so far I can tell you this: once a kid starts to experience these types of issues, the "athlete mentality" that they've been trained to employ on the field really starts working against them.  I'm not saying that controlling body language, persevering though adversity, projecting strength and confidence, "flushing" the mistakes, and all of those other techniques that players are taught to help them master the mental side of the game are bad things.  But if they develop proficiency with those tools and later find themselves struggling with depression, anxiety disorders, etc., then that same mentality may drive them to ignore the problems, to avoid seeking help, and to mask their problems from coaches, teammates, family, etc.  It certainly did with my son.

He's started working with a counselor.  Hopefully soon we can start formulating Plan B.  Remains to be seen if/how baseball fits into that.  But since it doesn't look like he'll be in college in the spring, it looks like his only playing option in the spring is going to be a men's amateur baseball league (or as Domingo calls it: "Sunday League").

Thanks for sharing. Prayers for Kidzilla and your family! 

Very important topic, article and talking points.  Thanks for sharing.  Best wishes to Kidzilla... sounds like he is getting the proper help and therefore will likely be headed down a good path soon.

Between competitive sports and being a product of my generation, I can very much relate to the challenges described.  As someone that has always been determined to force things to go the right way and raised/conditioned to not show weakness, when those rare instances come up that all the forcing in the world can't help, it can be a significant struggle.

I fear that I may have unwittingly "taught" my children some of the same faulty ways to cope (or ignore).

Interesting topic and interesting theory MrBumstead.  Of course my thoughts and prayers go out to your son, but I think you might be on to something here with your thoughts on the tools athletes normally employ can work against them.

I want to applaud you for having the courage to post this. I can tell you after a career in Law Enforcement that you are definitely on to something. "Regardless of what is going on around you, you must remain calm. You must remain professional. You must control your emotions. You can not show weakness. You must channel your emotions and remember that you have a job to do. People are looking to you to be the calm in the storm. No matter what is happening you must remain in control and cool under pressure."

You don't just turn this off and back on like a light switch. Well at first you might. But the better you get at your "job" the less you have to remember to turn it on and off. Basically it just gets turned on. And it gets turned on all the time. And then one day you realize that it never gets turned off. Why? You don't even know it's turned on. You don't even realize it. Your simply turned on all the time because that is what you have become. But where does all of those emotions go? Where does the pain go? Where does the fear go? Where does all of the frustration and anger go?

There is a reason so many simply flame out. Most after they retire. Most never stay married. Many end up addicted to some type of drug. Many are alcoholics. And yes suicide rates are extremely high. Why? Because it doesn't go anywhere. It is simply stored away , put in the back room , and sooner or later it comes out. Getting 'Help" is pretty much the end of a career. Getting "Help" means you were simply not man enough to do the job. Getting "Help" means you failed.

There is no doubt in my mind that many athletes suffer from the exact same pressures they just come in different shapes and forms. The desire to excel, make it, live up to expectations. etc etc - there is no doubt that this can be really really tough. Thank you for posting this. Every parent needs to be aware of this and I appreciate you having the courage to start this conversation. Good luck to your son. I really hope he knows how much you love and care for him.

CatsPop posted:

MrBumstead posted:

This popped up on my Facebook feed the other day.  Thought it was very interesting.

https://www.ncaa.org/about/stu...re-educated-approach

Full disclosure - Kidzilla has had some struggles lately very similar to what the article describes.  Those struggles affected him to the point that it became necessary for him to withdraw from college (hopefully temporarily) and move back home.

We're still sorting this out with him, so I'm certainly not an expert on the subject.  But from our experience so far I can tell you this: once a kid starts to experience these types of issues, the "athlete mentality" that they've been trained to employ on the field really starts working against them.  I'm not saying that controlling body language, persevering though adversity, projecting strength and confidence, "flushing" the mistakes, and all of those other techniques that players are taught to help them master the mental side of the game are bad things.  But if they develop proficiency with those tools and later find themselves struggling with depression, anxiety disorders, etc., then that same mentality may drive them to ignore the problems, to avoid seeking help, and to mask their problems from coaches, teammates, family, etc.  It certainly did with my son.

He's started working with a counselor.  Hopefully soon we can start formulating Plan B.  Remains to be seen if/how baseball fits into that.  But since it doesn't look like he'll be in college in the spring, it looks like his only playing option in the spring is going to be a men's amateur baseball league (or as Domingo calls it: "Sunday League").

It takes a lot of courage to put this out there + I applaud you for it.  The amount of pressure on kids today to succeed, achieve or do better than their parents is mind boggling.  Much more emphasis needs to be placed on the total well being of all athletes.  May the counseling your son seeks work and make him stronger so that he can accomplish his goals, in the manner he wants to.  Stay strong, God bless you + your family.

+1.  Prayers for all.

Is there any debate that Coach May is a unanimous first ballot hsbbweb hall of famer?

Sometimes people with depression think it’s only them. They believe everyone else is ok. So they hold it in. They fear embarrassment. What they don’t realize is there are also people around them holding it in. From experience I can tell you it’s very possible to appear and be functional and be depressed for years. No one notices. You hold it in until you get home and stare at the walls. 

MomLW posted:

CatsPop posted:

MrBumstead posted:

This popped up on my Facebook feed the other day.  Thought it was very interesting.

https://www.ncaa.org/about/stu...re-educated-approach

Full disclosure - Kidzilla has had some struggles lately very similar to what the article describes.  Those struggles affected him to the point that it became necessary for him to withdraw from college (hopefully temporarily) and move back home.

We're still sorting this out with him, so I'm certainly not an expert on the subject.  But from our experience so far I can tell you this: once a kid starts to experience these types of issues, the "athlete mentality" that they've been trained to employ on the field really starts working against them.  I'm not saying that controlling body language, persevering though adversity, projecting strength and confidence, "flushing" the mistakes, and all of those other techniques that players are taught to help them master the mental side of the game are bad things.  But if they develop proficiency with those tools and later find themselves struggling with depression, anxiety disorders, etc., then that same mentality may drive them to ignore the problems, to avoid seeking help, and to mask their problems from coaches, teammates, family, etc.  It certainly did with my son.

He's started working with a counselor.  Hopefully soon we can start formulating Plan B.  Remains to be seen if/how baseball fits into that.  But since it doesn't look like he'll be in college in the spring, it looks like his only playing option in the spring is going to be a men's amateur baseball league (or as Domingo calls it: "Sunday League").

It takes a lot of courage to put this out there + I applaud you for it.  The amount of pressure on kids today to succeed, achieve or do better than their parents is mind boggling.  Much more emphasis needs to be placed on the total well being of all athletes.  May the counseling your son seeks work and make him stronger so that he can accomplish his goals, in the manner he wants to.  Stay strong, God bless you + your family.

+1.  Prayers for all.

+2  Great posts.  Important subject.  Hope and pray for the best.  I've seen way too much of this in my extended family over the years, and applaud you for putting it out there.

MrBumstead,

Your post about your son, coupled with the article, touched me to the core.  Someone very, very close to me had an experience which mirrored one of those in the article, even including the university.

As I was reading, I was immediately drawn to one of her recent blogs and hope you don't mind me sharing it in support of your son and your family and your relationship together:

"This past weekend, my new friend told me about a scene in a memoir by a woman who had struggled with eating disorders that brings tears to my eyes each time I recount it.  She was downstairs binging on ice cream alone at 2am.  Her husband came down to find her there.  He took a spoon out from the drawer,  sat down to join her, and said, 'I never want you to be alone in this.'

How about that for choosing love?  Love does not let people suffer alone.  Love turns towards, seeks to understand, is curious, and in turn becomes the change agent, the transformer, the healer, and the possibility of of something new."

Your message to your son that he will "never be alone with this" is powerful in ways words cannot describe and probably in ways you won't appreciate for quite some time.

Your marvelous courage in bringing out a silent "stigma" is so healthy for everyone other than yourself, as Coach May so capably illustrates. Hopefully this thread will,  eventually, become a thread and article read by every parent who who posts or lurks. 

There are things that draw me in with lazer focus. Emotions run deep and I know without a shadow of a doubt that THIS is real. And one of those things is when a person is courageous enough, cares enough to be something that is all too rare in this world. Honest. 

When these rare moments happen amazing things can happen. People can actually be honest. They can drop the facade and speak openly and reciprocate the gift of honesty. 

Its moments like this that make this site the special place it truly is. I know that my failures, mistakes, flaws to numerous to count are more valuable when shared than any accomplishment I could ever boast about. Why? Because in those moments I have unmasked myself and truth is actually revealed. We are all flawed. We are all in need of a helping hand. 

Your son is a brave young man who was brave enough to seek help. I pray that this will be the beginning of a brand new start. And I want you to know how much I appreciate you caring enough for others that you were brave enough to be honest.

MRBUMSTEAD,

Kudos to you for posting about your son. 

This is a lot more common than most of us realize. It's just never discussed. And so many feel that they have to suffer alone. 

Life is very complicated for young adults. Add in the pressures that are placed on them to perform as athletes and it can become a recipe for disaster for many.  I know that many college programs do have psychologists on staff to help support student athletes deal with their anxieties. It wasn't always like that.

Please keep us posted on how your son is doing and best of luck to him.

Coach May, as always, great post.

Please folks, always remind your children that you love them for who they are, not what they do. Help them to find a balance in their lives. And that it's ok to fail, then help them to pick themselves up and try again.  

MrBumStead,

Wow.  As parents nothing really prepares us for this, and I applaud you for bringing it to the surface, discussing it and working through this with your son.  College is not easy, and more so for college athletes.  The transition from teenager to adult is difficult for many.  

My youngest son very recently lost one of his best friends and former high school teammates.  Nobody saw this coming and it isn't something you want to sit on the sidelines to watch.  

Again, I applaud you for taking action now to help your son.   Best of luck!  

About 3 weeks ago, my son’s teammate and best friend at school committed suicide in the dorm. It’s been an uneasy ride to say the least. The coaches and school have gone out of their way to help the players, to include moving all of the players from that dorm (my son included) into a brand new dorm building. They’ve had counselors reach out as a group and individually to the players. 

I’ve spoken with my son MANY times over the past 3 weeks. Unfortunately he, like his Dad 😔, leans more towards not seeking help. With me it was a job thing. 24 years of being a cop in a very urban city bordering NYC is not the environment that welcomes self-reflection by its employees. You do that and you’re done. Right or wrong. So you repress your thoughts for years. 

However, I’ve convinced him to attend a one-on-one and he is headed back for another one tomorrow. He’s doing better.

Some more of that and some home time during Thanksgiving is hopefully what my son needs. 

I ask for prayers for the young man’s family. I can’t even imagine what they’re going through during this time. 

Very important and thought-provoking post and follow up.  Thank you MrBumStead. 

Just like concussions, mental health is finally seeing some light in competitive sports. Thank you Mr. Bumstead and all the posters who shared their stories.

NYdad2017 posted:

About 3 weeks ago, my son’s teammate and best friend at school committed suicide in the dorm. It’s been an uneasy ride to say the least. The coaches and school have gone out of their way to help the players, to include moving all of the players from that dorm (my son included) into a brand new dorm building. They’ve had counselors reach out as a group and individually to the players. 

I’ve spoken with my son MANY times over the past 3 weeks. Unfortunately he, like his Dad 😔, leans more towards not seeking help. With me it was a job thing. 24 years of being a cop in a very urban city bordering NYC is not the environment that welcomes self-reflection by its employees. You do that and you’re done. Right or wrong. So you repress your thoughts for years. 

However, I’ve convinced him to attend a one-on-one and he is headed back for another one tomorrow. He’s doing better.

Some more of that and some home time during Thanksgiving is hopefully what my son needs. 

I ask for prayers for the young man’s family. I can’t even imagine what they’re going through during this time. 

Wow, so sorry to hear, NYdad.  Prayers to the family and to your son.  So tragic.  So difficult to make sense of and accept.  Young lives with promise just don't align with this path. 

NYdad2017 posted:

About 3 weeks ago, my son’s teammate and best friend at school committed suicide in the dorm. It’s been an uneasy ride to say the least. The coaches and school have gone out of their way to help the players, to include moving all of the players from that dorm (my son included) into a brand new dorm building. They’ve had counselors reach out as a group and individually to the players. 

I’ve spoken with my son MANY times over the past 3 weeks. Unfortunately he, like his Dad 😔, leans more towards not seeking help. With me it was a job thing. 24 years of being a cop in a very urban city bordering NYC is not the environment that welcomes self-reflection by its employees. You do that and you’re done. Right or wrong. So you repress your thoughts for years. 

However, I’ve convinced him to attend a one-on-one and he is headed back for another one tomorrow. He’s doing better.

Some more of that and some home time during Thanksgiving is hopefully what my son needs. 

I ask for prayers for the young man’s family. I can’t even imagine what they’re going through during this time. 

Prayers for the family of the young man and prayers for your son and family as well NYDAD.  Heart breaking...

Been away for a quite a while. So many of you posted or PM'd words of encouragement and offered prayers, I thought it time to give an update. Pardon the length.

In 2018, I convinced him to play "Sunday League" ball in a men's amateur league. It allowed him to rediscover how much he loved playing. And while his results were up, down and all over the place, his teammates (almost all of them over 25 with varying degrees of college and pro experience) told him on a weekly basis that he needed to get back to college baseball.

The other thing he did to fill his time that spring and summer was assist as a coach on his baby brother's spring and summer teams. He really enjoyed it, and got a lot of positive feedback from fellow coaches, including several that had played college baseball.

He wasn't ready to go back to school that fall. He was still a bit aimless about what he wanted to do, at least out loud. He had a part time job at a furniture store. But he had developed an AC joint impingement playing Sunday League that had not responded to treatment. So that October when he elected to have surgery to correct it, he basically got fired because he wouldn't be able to lift furniture for over a month.

But he had developed an idea of what he might want to do with his life. By late that fall he was willing to share it - he wanted to at least explore a career in coaching.

A good friend of mine is the HC and AD at a local private school. So I called him, and he agreed to bring 'Zilla on as a volunteer coach for the 2019 season. He loved it. And for the first time in several years, we started to see glimpses of what he was like before the anxiety and depression started to get a grip on him.

As it happens, the pitching coach for that high school was a retired 16-year MLB pitcher. (I knew he lived in town and that his kids were at that school. But they didn't publicize the fact he was coaching there until the year 'Zilla started coaching with him.) That of course was a great experience for a first year of coaching, especially for a pitcher. But there was another fortuitous twist to it. Said MLB vet's best friend happened to be the Pitching Coordinator for 'Zilla's old travel ball outfit from HS. They got wind that 'Zilla was coaching HS ball, so they called him up and asked him to assist with one of their 17U teams that summer. So suddenly he's coaching at the "mothership" of probably the largest travel ball organization in the country. (If I said the name, practically all of you would know of them. About half of you would probably think, "Oh. THOSE guys." But they've been very good to us.)

Now he's hooked. He wants to be a coach. But first he wants to get back on the field to finish that part the right way.

Easier said than done. There was a bit of a problem that we couldn't solve very quickly, if at all. That thread requires a little backtracking...

'Zilla was always tall - hence the nickname Kidzilla. He was 23-1/2" long at birth. While he never really had a growth spurt in puberty, he consistently grew 3 to 4-1/2 inches every year for about 10 years, and then slowed down to 1 -2 inches about midway through high school. Growing like that, his weight could never keep up, so he was always thin as a rail. No matter how hard he tried to gain weight, he couldn't do it. I jokingly referred to him as "the walking flagpole."

In the middle of his senior year, he abruptly stopped getting taller... at 6'-7". And just as abruptly, he started filling out. At the end of football season, he weighed just 195. By the end of basketball season, he was at 220. By the end of baseball season, 230. He was at 240 by the time he had TJ in August. By spring of 2017, he was 255.

And then, after leaving school, he wasn't on some kind of athletic team for an extended period of time for the first time since elementary school. So somewhere along the line he transitioned from "filling out" to "fluffy." He stopped weighing himself when he hit 290. I honestly have no idea what he actually weighed when we started trying to find a place for him to play. But if I had to guess, he was probably around 320.

He didn't look like a 3-sport athlete anymore... well I guess maybe offensive lineman/ shot put/pro wrestler. But he certainly did not look like a pitcher.

But fortune smiled again.

Our HS program had gotten a new JV HC. During the day, he was a parapro in my wife's classroom. He had played at a nearby D2 that had recruited 'Zilla his senior year, and he had even take a visit there and worked out for them before opting for JUCO. JV Coach calls his old coach, 'Zilla gets invited to visit again, I go with him, we talk about what had transpired in the 3 years since we had last visited, and they generously offer to bring him in as a walk-on and even helped clear some admission hurdles resulting from his JUCO meltdown, even though he clearly wasn't the same pitcher they had seen three years before. They were even kind enough to list his weight at only 285 on the website roster.

(Knowing 'Zilla's history, they promised me they would look out for him and alert us at the first sign of trouble. They made good on that. Can't tell you how thankful I am for those coaches.)

So 'Zilla heads back to school, and starts trying to work his way up from the bottom of their JV team. Had a promising outing in his first JV appearance and thought he might get consideration for some varsity PT by then end of the season.

And then COVID abruptly ended the season. Pffft.

Needless to say, we were concerned that the circumstances would derail the momentum.

And then he got a phone call from the Pitching Coordinator at the travel ball outfit, who also ran their college summer league teams. "If you're back playing college ball, you need to play this summer instead of coaching." [casual expletives deleted] It was a little more expensive than we wanted it to be, partly because of all of the COVID protocols that they had to follow just to have a league. Actually, it was a LOT more expensive than we planned for. And if that Pitching Coordinator wasn't my all-time favorite grouchy, foul-mouthed, left-handed, Australian, red-headed ex-MLB pitcher, I probably would have said no. But he's never steered us wrong, so we trusted him again and shelled out many thousands of dollars that we had not budgeted for.

And off he went to the Florida Gulf Coast League for the summer, and became the first person to play high school ball, college ball, and coach for that organization.

He shoved. 0.00 ERA. 0.90 WHIP. And averaged less than 13 pitches/inning. (He was never remotely close to that efficient in HS.) And he did so on a pitching staff with 5 ACC and SEC pitchers, including an SEC Sunday starter and the son of a MLB HoF'er. Those guys ate up a ton of the innings, but Kidzilla more than held his own when his number was called, which it was in a lot of high leverage situations. (His first appearance came in the first game. They were down 2-0 in the top of the 1st, bases loaded, no outs, and a 2-0 count against him. He got out of it in 8 pitches, only allowing one more run to score on a SAC fly. Then pitched a clean 2nd. The team rallied to win by 1.)

He went back to school in the fall. But we could tell something was different - not bad different. Just different.

When he came home for Christmas, we found out what was going on with him. He told us he had decided to hang up the spikes after the spring, after which he wanted to move back home and finish his degree at the local state college and get back to coaching. He knew before he went to the FGCL that thanks to TJ and the drastic changes in his body that he was probably never going to throw with the same velo he had in HS. Even after he lost a lot of the fluff, his body just didn't move the same way. He clearly didn't have the same "stuff" as his teammates in the FGCL, and the differences were so profound that he knew that he would never have the measurables to pitch on any professional level. But despite the differences in his stuff, his results in the FGCL cleared up all remaining doubts he had in his abilities that had plagued him off and on since middle school, and were a major part of his meltdown. ("If I did that against that level of competition with the stuff I have now, I must've been pretty good back then.") His playing career had almost been ended by getting cut twice from the HS program, then by some unfortunate behavior by a coach, by a catastrophic injury, by a mental health breakdown, and by the malicious actions of another person (the details of which are not appropriate for a public forum) - and he had made it through all of those. After all of that, the most important thing for him was to be able to end his 19-year playing career on his terms.

So he did exactly that.

He let his coaches know what his intentions were when he returned for spring semester, and they supported him. He never made it to the varsity squad, but he was good with that. And thanks to COVID and weather, he only got to play in one JV game last spring. (It being on the road, Blondie and I weren't able to attend because they didn't allow visiting fans - which kinda sucked for us.)

He went back to coaching 17Us last summer with the same outfit. He's got 3 more semesters to finish his degree. His grades are good. He's got a wonderful girlfriend who we adore. He's working part-time at Amazon, and all the walking there has got him back under 300 lbs.... we think. (He still hasn't been on a scale.) He's got his community coaching certification. And he's coaching in our (defending state champion) baseball program as JV pitching coach and Middle School head coach. His first game as an official, paid HS coach is tomorrow afternoon.

His future looks bright.

And best of all... he's the happiest and most content that he's been in over a decade.

Thank you to all that prayed for him/us and posted/PM'd words of encouragement back in those dark days. It really meant a lot to me. Hopefully, the rest of his story will provide some hope and encouragement for others that may find themselves in a similar situation.

Mental health breakdowns suck. I wouldn't wish them on any kid or any family. But day-by-day, step-by-step, with prayer and persistence and a little help from anywhere you can find it, they can be overcome.

That is awesome!

I wasn't here on the board  for the original post but read the thread from the beginning down and my heart ached and healed as if it were happening in real time. I am so happy to read that 'Zilla is in such a good place and that he fought for the opportunity to end baseball on is own terms. Zilla has truly taken the control back in his life and his journey is so very inspiring. I will tuck away your words of wisdom on how to make it through as I think you gave all of us wise parenting advice there, regardless of the circumstance.

Some people might not like or agree with what i say next but I think being really tall can be hard, especially if your kid is shy. For my son, it drew attention when, as teenager, he just wanted to fit in. People expected him to be older/more mature than he was. And no-one truly understood what it took to get all those limbs to work together, especially when he had 4 inch spurt from end of freshman year to sophomore year in HS--6'1" to 6'5".  His HS baseball coach at the time did not have much patience for the adjustments it took. My son still grapples with it at time...feeling more exposed than he would like to. Sometimes he slouches and tries to "disappear" and people interpret that as him being stand-offish or not caring. He often shaves an inch or two off his height when talking to people because a member of the same HS coaching staff kept telling him that at his size he would have to become a pitcher. I used to joke with my friend who had a very small son who was so very often underestimated that we need a support group for the extremes.

Please keep us posted on the next steps in "Zilla's life!

Thank you so much for the follow up. I am grateful you are sharing this important topic. Besides the great support, the important help will be to those in here going through something similar now know they are not alone.

Thank you so much for sharing. Gosh I can say you hit the nail in the head. How I teach my kid as a athlete is definitely not the same mental health for transistor to real world depression and stress. Thank you for making me aware

@MrBumstead Thank you for your update on your son. I am so glad to hear he is doing well and happy. I understand, son left the professional game, finished school and has been coaching at the collegiate level.  This coming weekend marks the beginning of his sixth year.  His Dad and I see the passion about what he does now, unlike when he played.

Last year 2 players that he played with died from overdose, both at the age of 34 and 35.  I won't go into details but one player played with son in HS travel ball and a high draft pick in the Cardinal organization. It's really hard to imagine, knowing how much our sons love the game, that so many struggle with not being happy.  Thank goodness that MLB and collegiate teams keep psychologists on staff and available at all times. This might be a question asked during recruiting.   Sounds stupid but most have no clue what transpires often with players unable to cope these days. We can blame it on Covid, but the same issues existed before we ever heard that word.

Your player will show signs of when he is ready to hang up the cleats, sometimes your player will know when to quit but still hang on because of family and friends expectations. And folks we as parents need to learn to give it up as well.  My husband was devastated when son decided to move from player to coach.   He is now just loving every moment of this part of the journey.

Listen to them, talk to your players, it's about them not you. In both of the situations I mentioned, lots of family/friend  pressure not to quit didn't help depression and drug abuse. Also if your son is in pain, encourage them not to continue and address the situation asap. Injuries need to be addressed before it becomes a mental issue.

Again thank you for the update.

@MrBumstead. So happy to hear the update and glad that kidzilla is doing well. Thanks you for sharing your family’s story. So many of us only hear about the shinny stuff and never want to talk about the dark side. Most athletes don’t share their feelings because they’ve been taught it shows weakness. So I believe it has a bigger impact on them because their struggle is more than just performance.

Continued success going forward! Thanks again for sharing!

@Mr.Bumstead-great thread, much needed and very happy for your outcome.  If you dont mind, I'd like to bring something up to the group.  My middle son is a sophomore in college and last January (2021) my oldest son went into a coma due to complications from lung cancer and a heart issue...he wasnt expected to survive.  After 3 weeks in the coma he came out of it and recovered from the coma, but still had the cancer and the heart issue.  Long story short, they had to quit giving him chemo due to the heart issue and this December (19th) he passed away.  Luckily, my middle son was home for Christmas when this happened so we could all be together and deal with the grief.  He's doing better now, but he is an introvert and refuses to talk to a therapist.  His coach has talked with him and I think some of the team leaders are helping him out.  I just wondered if anyone has any ideas since he refuses to talk to a therapist.  He's very quiet and reserved and I am worried about him.  Luckily it doesnt seem to be affected at least as far as his play goes but over the break (understandably) his workouts suffered but we did go hit almost every day...anyways, sorry to ramble and not trying to hijack another thread.....Ed

Oh, gosh.  So sorry, Ed.  No parent or brother should have to endure what you have.

One day at a time.

thanks JCG....I didnt post this for anything about me...I dont care about me...just care about my son and his well being

@edcoach, if I were in your shoes I would look into the counseling services offered at the school your son is playing at. If they seem adequate I would speak to them and explain the situation. If you like the response you get, and you think they can help your son, I would consider talking to the coaching staff and having them “encourage” your son to talk to a school counselor under the guise of “we need you to be mentally and physically healthy for conference play, and we don’t want you carrying around a mental burden.” Your son might be more inclined to see a counselor if he felt like doing so would please his coaches and help his team. IMO it’s more important than he talk to someone as opposed to who that someone is. You never know how kids will internalize a traumatic event. Hoping for the best for you and your son.

@MrBumstead posted:

This popped up on my Facebook feed the other day.  Thought it was very interesting.

https://www.ncaa.org/about/stu...re-educated-approach

Full disclosure - Kidzilla has had some struggles lately very similar to what the article describes.  Those struggles affected him to the point that it became necessary for him to withdraw from college (hopefully temporarily) and move back home.

We're still sorting this out with him, so I'm certainly not an expert on the subject.  But from our experience so far I can tell you this: once a kid starts to experience these types of issues, the "athlete mentality" that they've been trained to employ on the field really starts working against them.  I'm not saying that controlling body language, persevering though adversity, projecting strength and confidence, "flushing" the mistakes, and all of those other techniques that players are taught to help them master the mental side of the game are bad things.  But if they develop proficiency with those tools and later find themselves struggling with depression, anxiety disorders, etc., then that same mentality may drive them to ignore the problems, to avoid seeking help, and to mask their problems from coaches, teammates, family, etc.  It certainly did with my son.

He's started working with a counselor.  Hopefully soon we can start formulating Plan B.  Remains to be seen if/how baseball fits into that.  But since it doesn't look like he'll be in college in the spring, it looks like his only playing option in the spring is going to be a men's amateur baseball league (or as Domingo calls it: "Sunday League").

Brave of you to share. I'll respond in kind. I suffer from clinical depression and anxiety disorder and take medicines every day to help regulate my brain chemistry. It's well regulated and has been for some time, but college and young adulthood was very, very difficult.

It's clear from your words that you have the right mindset to help guide your son. Counseling/therapy is extraordinarily important. Drugs aren't always an answer, but you should kick that box as well. Above all encourage him to approach what he's dealing with WITHOUT SHAME (sorry for the caps but it's important). I was a competitive athlete and thought I didn't have the right to be less than 100%. Once I accepted my condition, things got much easier.

DM me if you'd like to chat more. Best wishes, Oski

adbono love that idea....never even thought of that...although I did talk to the coach so he knew what was going on and he said he'd talk to him, etc...honestly, I was very scared of him doing self harm, even though he's never indicated hed do something like that...you just never know in cases like this

@MrBumstead Wow. Thank you for sharing your son's story in the original post as well as the recent update.

I'm glad to hear things are looking up for him. Continued prayers for your son (and your family) for a healthy and bright life that's ahead.

Side note: Does anyone know where to access the article in the original post? I've googled 'Student athletes mental health more educated approach' , but I haven't been able to find the article. I realize the OP is from 2017, but I'm hoping the article is still available.

@edcoach posted:

adbono love that idea....never even thought of that...although I did talk to the coach so he knew what was going on and he said he'd talk to him, etc...honestly, I was very scared of him doing self harm, even though he's never indicated hed do something like that...you just never know in cases like this

Maybe his school has a peer counseling program. He could do it anonymously.

@edcoach So very, very sorry. Sending you a pm.

@edcoach posted:

@Mr.Bumstead-great thread, much needed and very happy for your outcome.  If you dont mind, I'd like to bring something up to the group.

Ed, my wife has been counseling individuals and couples for 35 years. we have lived near a state university for much of that time and she has worked with hundreds of college students. there is no magic bullet, but she recommended a couple of things.

She has been successful working with reluctant clients by easing into therapy using unconventional forms of contact. That might mean a parent contacts her and explains the situation. She then contacts the student via text (after the parent has talked to the child first). Texting turns into a phone call. Counseling options are discussed, which should include telephone and/or zoom. She says many kids that age are much less stressed talking to someone using their phone rather than going to a counseling center and sitting in a room with a stranger. Also, setting a limit on sessions up front can be helpful. Kids are less reluctant if they know "it's only 3 sessions, give it a try". The goal would be to help him understand how his grief could manifest in his life, but not to "fix" anything. Like what to watch out for. Then later if he sees things going south, he at least can recognize the signs and know that he has a lifeline.

She also warned that people that age often don't feel the full impact of the grief until 6-12 months later. It's too overwhelming for them to process at the time, so they jump back into their routine to distract themselves. But most people can only push it away like that for so long.

Good luck, and best to your son.

Great advice from MidAtlanticDad.

I endorse the "back door" method of getting your son in to see someone. and have seen the teammate-coach suggestion/text/phone call/eventual face-to-face mtng approach work several times with kids I've taught or coached or been the father of.  It is kind of amazing how well texting breaks the ice for some kids and how invaluable a coach or another teammate can be in getting the process started.

@MidAtlanticDad posted:

Ed, my wife has been counseling individuals and couples for 35 years. we have lived near a state university for much of that time and she has worked with hundreds of college students. there is no magic bullet, but she recommended a couple of things.

She has been successful working with reluctant clients by easing into therapy using unconventional forms of contact. That might mean a parent contacts her and explains the situation. She then contacts the student via text (after the parent has talked to the child first). Texting turns into a phone call. Counseling options are discussed, which should include telephone and/or zoom. She says many kids that age are much less stressed talking to someone using their phone rather than going to a counseling center and sitting in a room with a stranger. Also, setting a limit on sessions up front can be helpful. Kids are less reluctant if they know "it's only 3 sessions, give it a try". The goal would be to help him understand how his grief could manifest in his life, but not to "fix" anything. Like what to watch out for. Then later if he sees things going south, he at least can recognize the signs and know that he has a lifeline.

She also warned that people that age often don't feel the full impact of the grief until 6-12 months later. It's too overwhelming for them to process at the time, so they jump back into their routine to distract themselves. But most people can only push it away like that for so long.

Good luck, and best to your son.

Thank you so much MAD...love these ideas. I think I may call up the counseling center on campus and see if they suggest such things or if they would..

@smokeminside posted:

I endorse the "back door" method of getting your son in to see someone. and have seen the teammate-coach suggestion/text/phone call/eventual face-to-face mtng approach work several times with kids I've taught or coached or been the father of.  It is kind of amazing how well texting breaks the ice for some kids and how invaluable a coach or another teammate can be in getting the process started.

Totally agree. Thank you smoke inside