You know what spiz? Those SNUGGIE© deals may work better than these barrels that we have in each room...
Although we've been following these tips we're still having problems keeping the heat right where we want it...
BURNING SAFELY - Tips for Burn Barrel Safety!
A proper burn barrel, placed strategically in each room of your well ventilated house (read drafty), is essential to warding off the bone-chilling effects of the brutally cold and fierce Alberta Clippers as they race southward through the wintry Upper Midwest.
Using a burn barrel to displace the cold produced by the unwelcome visitor from the North can reduce your dependence on ComEd© and NiCor©. It will also minimize the risk of your kitchen and/or bath plumbing becoming a much sought after photo opportunity and news story for the local newspaper during this otherwise slow news cycle caused by the rather dismal retail season so far.
Make sure that your burn barrel has these features, as illustrated above:
- * All-metal construction in good condition - In addition to inspecting the walls of the barrel, check the bottom to ensure that it hasn't been weakened by rust or the thirteen fruitcakes you've received so far this season.
* Proper ventilation- Three somewhat evenly-spaced, three-inch or so square (read not hip) vents spaced pretty much evenly around the rim near dirt floor level. Each vent must be backed by metal screen and, if possible, the FDIC©.
* Metal top screen- With mesh size of one-fourth inch (or just enough to jam your little finger through) to keep sparks from escaping and igniting nearby Camp Snoopy© themed stuffed characters, way back issues of Baseball America, and all those bottle rockets left over from the celebration that was planned upon the Cubs winning a World Series...not!
* Layer your materials- Stir often to create a real cool looking spark show (read cheap thrill). Put the smallest and most unwanted (read annoying) bric-a-brac and other non-living combustible material, which will ignite quickly, on the bottom of the pile (never let your spouse talk you into assuming this position...never!). Stir it often to introduce new oxygen. Season to taste. Keep all of the stuff your spouse doesn't want you to burn in an adjacent pile so absolutely all of it can be added to the barrel after a vigorous heat source has been created. It is considered rude, offensive, and probably illegal to burn plastic (my plastic is plenty charred), tires, laminated for display baseball cards (some exceptions are allowed), and just about anything else that isn’t from a tree, shrub, or Presto-Log©. Now they tell us!
Bon appetit and bon fire!
