Parents ruining their players

I see several parents like that every game. Sad on many levels and it does rub off on the kids.

Blaming someone else is the cowards way out.

I've often said kids would enjoy the game if their parents weren't telling them they're not having fun. The kids are at practice, in the dugout, on the field and know the truth. Aside from the delusion parents see, they also see things the kids don't see. The kids are too busy playing to stop and analyze the BS.

Eh, as long as there has been baseball there have been parents that are either hypercritical of their boy or of the boys that play with their kid.

It is sad when parents badmouth coaches or other players on the team. I honestly think some of this is the result of sports fans (as parents) transferring their complaining about their favorate pro team onto their kid's high school team.

I actually get angry on the rare occasions where my son complains about teammates. I have told him many times that he can't control how others play but he can control how he plays and how he acts and that whining about someone else and their ability (or lack thereof) does absolutely nothing to improve the team but it does reflect on the personality of the complainer. Sometimes parents need to remember this.

Point well taken being a parent myself...How about the other side? Anyone experience Coaches ruining their players? What is the true incidence of this? What may be their reasons?

sandlotmom,

Sounds like the game I went to earlier this week. I went to go watch a HS tournament game. A friend of mine was there watching his son play. A friend of his who we both went to HS with comes up to him and says hello...then proceeds to rip the coach for the next 20 minutes on how terrible he is, everyone knows he is a bad coach and on and on. Luckily, I am not in this conversation and just listening. This HS coach is a well respected and runs a great program. My buddy tells me "This why I watch the games down the line so I don;t have to hear this stuff".

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Now they don't know how to handle it and what do the parents do? Blame the coach. Other players are young and doing their time on the bench. Why isn't he playing? The coach sucks. He's the same man that coached the last four teams to victories and college ball playing. It's not the coach, it's you Mr. & Mrs. Parent. You are ruining your players and ruining the game of baseball for them.

Can all the parents be doing this? i would like to think they all are not. Maybe one of them should just confront them?

Can any high school coach just coach? In todays atmosphere should the job description include these situations?

Every parent who has a kid playing HS baseball has the potential to be a powderkeg ready to explode or just start bad-mouthing other parents or players. Especially if the team is losing. Then the JV parents chime in thinking their JV kid can come up and save the program and the current varsity players don't deserve to play. It can get ugly. The only reason some parents don't have anything to complain about or never have is because their kid has always played, making easy for them to sit on the soapbox and judge others. You take those kids out of the lineup and those parents will complain the same as anyone else who talks about the others who complain.

Maybe the team is simply not very good? Of course, the drama is amplified when there is more room for discussion.

Our JV bleacher was awful at our last school. I had parents coming up to me for validation that their kid was the next Jeter and the coach was an idiot for benching him. After the first game, I escaped to press box duties. Unfortunately, I couldn't escape those parents at away games.

I think that you hit upon something Dad04.

For every parent that is outspoken there are 3 or 4 who don't complain or are cheer leaders for the entire team, at least that was what it was like back in HS in 2001-2004. You usually don't find that stuff going on when the kids are pretty good.

Not the case here. Five starters returning from last year, the year they won their conference. Many of these guys are on showcase teams.

True, if they were winning, the parents probably wouldn't be complaining. But I don't think these parents understand the effect THEY are having on the team and it's inability to gel. Or they don't care because it's all about Johnny's playing time.

It is what it is.

A lot of it is perspective. If a team is winning, and enjoying success, it's hard for a parent, who's kid isn't playing, to make a case for their kid, since the TEAM is doing well.

Now if the TEAM starts losing, then this parent will be more willing to express their opinion, and many times will have more people willing to listen.

I don't think "Travel" baseball has ruined HS players. To the contrary, I think the higher level of competition and more games played (to a point - not talking overuse such as pitching here) has turned many ballplayers into more experienced ballplayers at younger ages.

For hitters ESPECIALLY this is more beneficial. If you get more at bats against LIVE pitching, you become a better hitter.

Now what I HAVE noticed is that parents seem to be a lot more "emotionally" tied or involved with their kids baseball. It's true in other sports now as well it seems. Since travel means spending a lot more time on the field, on the road, sometimes in hotels, of course many parents start to focus on this more. They become "vested" in the baseball of their son, and they sometimes start to think of it as "We" instead of "HE".

Naturally some of these parents express their grumblings more openly, and negativity has a way of feeding on itself.

Sometimes parents, and kids, are starting to see the writing on the wall. The end of the "dream". It can be a hard thing for players, and for parents who can't separate the experience from their own.

I'm seeing this on my son's JV team now, as he's a 8th grader. There are parents that assumed their son would grow and be successful on the HS / Full Size diamond as they were as younger players, and some are starting to realize it might not be meant to be.

On the other side, there are young men who are starting to realize how good they CAN be, and seeing friends that don't seem to be progressing at all can become a motivator.

Bottom line in this long-winded response?

Parents can't MAKE a kid's baseball career. They can encourage, instruct, motivate...all that. Which not surprisingly is a parent's job to begin with OFF the field more importantly. But in the end they can't make their son grow, or turn a good ballplayer into a great ballplayer. That DRIVE and WILL is the player's alone, in the end. Not to mention that genetics play a part, and parents have already contributed all they can to that arena

Unfortunately, parents CAN BREAK a kid's baseball career. Not to mention that many times parents will express this negativity in FRONT of and TO their kids and this can drastically change a kid's outlook.

Excellent post- every parent should read this and take it to heart. This is all a learning process- some parents learn slower than others or not at all. If their players don't get the love the parent thinks is due to them the parents may become disgruntled and negetive.

Relax and let it be your son's dream. He's the one that has to work hard and be passionate about the game.

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Originally posted by zombywoof:
The only reason some parents don't have anything to complain about or never have is because their kid has always played, making easy for them to sit on the soapbox and judge others. You take those kids out of the lineup and those parents will complain the same as anyone else who talks about the others who complain.

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Originally posted by Sandman:

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Originally posted by zombywoof:
The only reason some parents don't have anything to complain about or never have is because their kid has always played, making easy for them to sit on the soapbox and judge others. You take those kids out of the lineup and those parents will complain the same as anyone else who talks about the others who complain.

I would suggest it is a false premise to assume the complaints originate with the parents of those who are not getting playing time, or enough playing time.
Experience through little league, senior league, HS and college, and this site, tells me the criticisms and negativity toward coaches and coaching decisions comes as much from some of the parents of those playing,as those who have sons who are not playing.
The thread started by tired of this is a solid evidence.
One example: a coach got blistered by the parent of a player who started every game for 3 years.
The reason: early in the season an infield ground ball was scored an error, not a hit.
The coach and his staff were soundly criticized when the issue was brought to them... after the season.

Sandman---I donot agree with you----real baseball people see what is going on------ have had three sons and a stepson play balll--- all in differerent scenarios, good and bad---todays parents are simply different as is our countries society--then again there are too many of the olschoolers left

It is refreshing to see some of the posts on this thread. I'm in my 9th year as a Head Baseball Coach. I don't go through seasons without making mistakes and understand that in baseball the lineup you put out there could have been the wrong one on that given day..To this point in my career I have been very succesful, but unless we get help will miss the playoffs tonight for my first time. The group of Seniors we have were 4-21 the year before I got this job as freshman. We are a mediocre 15-15 following last years 22-15 which saw us win the first playoff series in some time at my current school..I spend most my spare time on baseball and always have..Books, videos clinics and TV..Suddenly I'm not a good coach in the opinions of half our parents..Bad moves, wrong lineups etc. I'm burnt out for the first time ever and i'm relieved the season is over. The parents helped turn a decent season into a tough one..We have lost 4 straight and there is only bickering and selfishness from parents..The losing streak is because of bad lineups and decisions..Not the fact we have an average Senior class, lost our catcher 3 weeks ago to broken hand and ace who was 6-1 to elbow issues..What is happening to this game..What is wrong with being a teammate? Role player? We've had 3 underclassmen quit the past 2 weeks..why because they will be backups next season most likely..Really a shame..

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Originally posted by Sandman:

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Originally posted by zombywoof:
The only reason some parents don't have anything to complain about or never have is because their kid has always played, making easy for them to sit on the soapbox and judge others. You take those kids out of the lineup and those parents will complain the same as anyone else who talks about the others who complain.

I disagree. You can't say that only parents who's kids play don't complain. I see it now on my son's JV team. Several obviously aren't happy with their son's playing time but they don't let on.

I sat the bench a lot in my baseball career. I remember the one time I bitched that I was better than the guy who was playing. You know what my Dad said?

"If you think you are better, then prove it. Work harder in practice, do everything better. Support the team, pick 'em when they are down. Everyone can improve. And when you get your shot, give it all you got. That's ALL you can do. Griping about it won't help a thing."

There were some other choice words in there I won't share.

I never griped about sitting again. And when I got my shot I was ready.

If you think Coaches and other players can't see it when kids are moody and ****ed off about not playing, you're dead wrong.

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Originally posted by Roy Hobbs:

What is wrong with being a teammate? Role player? We've had 3 underclassmen quit the past 2 weeks..why because they will be backups next season most likely..Really a shame..

Coach, I really appreciate you fresh perspective. You are honest and transparent about what you (and your teams) have dealt with all season long.

My son'w HS coach did what I think was the best way to approach this situation about teaching the players how to be a team, good teammates, and just as imporantant as all - how to be a role player WITH a team attitude.

As he was going through cuts there were those boys he knew that were going to be good, impact back-up players who would see SOME playing time, but not much. He would sit them down during cuts and explain what he saw in them. He defined to them what a role player was and how crucial they were to a team to compete and win games through the season. At that point he would tell them that is how he saw them and if they wanted to make the team they'd make the team in that manner. And if they worked hard during the season they would always have the chance to earn a starting position. If the boy agreed to take that "role" postion on, then to go home and explain to the parents what this is all about, talk it over with them, and if he STILL wanted it to come back the next day and let him know.

He felt that once the kid left understanding what was expected of him 100% and explained to the parents that he wanted to do that then the parents would "buy in" to it as well. He never had any parent complaints from these "role" players in regards to playing time, etc.

I asked him what would've happened if they came back the next day and said no, they didn't want it? He said he would then begin grooming a younger player. To him it was a win-win either way.

Player to his parents, "Whose game is it? Yours or mine?"

Parent: "Why, yours, of course."

Player: "Then, why don't you act accordingly?"

If only that conversation would take place more frequently than it does.

We recommend routinely that high school-aged players take issues that they have up directly with their coaches. Too bad that we don't encourage our players as regularly to do the same when the baseball-oriented issue is with their parents.

One thing missing when kids starting playing ball is most coaches don't teach parents how to be sports parents. I ticked off a few parents in the beginning. But eventually they got it. We started with ...

Player's play
Coaches coach
Parents/fans cheer

Don't cross boundaries.

What good does it do a kid to have a parent second guessing the coach all the time? The kid is supposed to be learning to respect his coaches. He doesn't always have to like the coach. But he has to respect him.

IMO, a player has to LISTEN to and FOLLOW his coach's instructions and be polite, etc.; but in my book, RESPECT is EARNED. HS age kids aren't dumb. If they think their coaches don't know what they're doing, those coaches will have an uphill battle earning player respect, irrespective of what is/isn't being discussed between player/parents. Let's not pretend the players don't communicate with EACH OTHER in these situations.

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I would suggest it is a false premise to assume the complaints originate with the parents of those who are not getting playing time, or enough playing time.

I agree. I'm not saying all complaints about a coach come from those parents who kids don't play. I've seen things where all the parents don't like what they see from the coaches and it includes the parents of those who do play.

However, when it comes down to playing time, it's always the parents who complain who's kid don't play, gets little playing time or plays out of position in favor of another player.

What I'm saying is if you put the parent who's kid does play in the shoes of those parent's who's kid don't, they'll be complaining too.

It's always easier to pass along advise when somebody else's kid sits and not yours.

I think it's safe to say that any parent here who works during the day and only gets rare opportunities to see their kid play HS baseball because they start at 4:00 in the afternoon wouldn't be too thrilled when they rush over to the field only to find that jr. is on the bench.

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Originally posted by zombywoof:
What I'm saying is if you put the parent who's kid does play in the shoes of those parent's who's kid don't, they'll be complaining too.

Not every parent keeping his/her mouth shut has a kid playing/starting. Sandlotson#1 sat for two and a half years. I did NOT complain to anyone but to sandlotdad. Now that sandlotson#2 is sitting, I don't complain at all. Because I know that sitting is character building and complaining does nothing but hurt the team and take teachable moments away from the player.

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What I'm saying is if you put the parent who's kid does play in the shoes of those parent's who's kid don't, they'll be complaining too.

Some do, some don't. There is not such a broad brush with which to paint.
Perhaps our experience isn't completely typical, but I doubt that.
Along the pathway of baseball, I have listened to far more complaints from parents who had sons who were playing, than not.
Of course I have heard complaints when playing time was a factor, also.
Going back in time, for me, the comments with the most potential for negative impact came from the parents of those who were starters.

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Originally posted by Sandman:
IMO, a player has to LISTEN to and FOLLOW his coach's instructions and be polite, etc.; but in my book, RESPECT is EARNED. HS age kids aren't dumb. If they think their coaches don't know what they're doing, those coaches will have an uphill battle earning player respect, irrespective of what is/isn't being discussed between player/parents. Let's not pretend the players don't communicate with EACH OTHER in these situations.

Some kids are not taught to respect their elders or to respect experience. Our coach has had winning seasons for 8 years straight with over 15 players moved on to play at the college level. Yet these new players don't respect him because (as their parents tell them) "he doesn't know what he's doing". Sometimes instant gratification takes over for common sense and waiting for a coach to prove his experience. Also, those that cry "victim" don't give a hoot about respect.

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Originally posted by Sandman:
IMO, a player has to LISTEN to and FOLLOW his coach's instructions and be polite, etc.; but in my book, RESPECT is EARNED. HS age kids aren't dumb. If they think their coaches don't know what they're doing, those coaches will have an uphill battle earning player respect, irrespective of what is/isn't being discussed between player/parents. Let's not pretend the players don't communicate with EACH OTHER in these situations.

Maybe our definition of RESPECT is different. My son is taught to RESPECT his elders, whether he agrees or not.

Coaches are just like BOSSES. You give them the benefit of the doubt PERSONALLY To start. If they disprove that, then fine. BUT you always RESPECT the POSITION they hold.

Like I always told my guys in the Army, when we had a particularly ate up officer. "Don't salute the man. Salute the rank."

IF a players loses respect for his Coach on his own (not hearing it from parents) then that's fine. But as long as he's a player on that team he should SHOW the Coach (Position) RESPECT.

My son is struggling this year. He is starting on JV as a sophomore, and sitting on the varsity bench. The challenge is that there's a freshman starting on varsity in his position. There isn't an obvious difference between them as best that I can tell, other than my son can hit better.

Maybe the coach sees something I don't recognize, either due to his experience or lack of bias. Or maybe the coach is wrong. But in any event, I see this as a gut check time for my son. I've suggested to him that he needs to work harder between now and next season if he wants to get that spot on varsity.

He's never struggled for playing time until now, on his school team or any other team. He is very discouraged. I've suggested that he talk to the coach if he wants his views on what he should be working on.

Am I handling this correctly? On thing I know for sure is that I can't/won't talk to the coach. I've read enough on this forum to know that is a huge no no.

[
Am I handling this correctly? On thing I know for sure is that I can't/won't talk to the coach. I've read enough on this forum to know that is a huge no no.[/QUOTE]


As a coach, I would prefer the player talk to me first. I don't mind at all talking to the parent, but the kid needs to know what I need, not a sugar coated version. My opinion, have your son say "Hey coach, if you don't mind me asking, what areas do I need to really work on so I can help the team?"

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I've suggested to him that he needs to work harder between now and next season if he wants to get that spot on varsity.

He's never struggled for playing time until now, on his school team or any other team. He is very discouraged. I've suggested that he talk to the coach if he wants his views on what he should be working on.

Every step in baseball involves competitive, but potentially slight differences in talent, skill and execution.
Especially at your son's age, those can change dramatically for the better.. with more work.
Our son used the following for motivation:
"success occurs when 1,000 hour of work meets one moment of opportunity."
Learning how to do the extra work now will help your son so much if he wants to progress in baseball and succeed.
What your son does before and after practice during the season and continuing to work until next Spring is where his difference can be found.
In my view, your support, guidance and advice to him is absolutely the very, very best.

I took this approach with my kids. When a Policeman stops you does he have to earn your respect first before you show him respect? When you step into a classroom does the teacher have to first earn your respect before you show him or her respect? When you go to a job interview does that person have to first earn your respect? When you step on a baseball field does the coach have to earn your respect?

What the heck is going on here? You are who you are regardless. You show others respect and you earn yours. And if they never learn to respect you that changes nothing. You still go about everything you do with the same attitude because it is who you are. Just because someone else does not show you the respect you feel you deserve does not give you the right to throw away who you are. You first have to respect yourself.

So if I respect the coach I will play hard. If I dont I wont. If I respect the coach I will be a good team mate. If I dont I wont. If I respect the coach I will work my butt off and continue to do everything I can to get better. If I dont I wont. If I respect the coach I will not bad mouth my team mates or my coach. If I dont I will bad mouth him and my team mates. If I respect my coach I will be a good player and play at the next level. If I dont I wont be a good player and wont play at the next level. Seriously?

Give your son a foundation that does not shake, crack, or waver. No matter who the coach is or what the situation is he brings it everyday and he is a good team mate everyday and he is who he is regardless of the situation. You overcome adversity. You are not going to be in a good situation all the time. Your going to have to fight for what you want. Your going to have some tough battles. Your going to have to overcome some things you might see as unfair. Your going to have to deal with some things that are simply out of your control. But what do you control? Then dad gum it control what you control.

This whole idea that the coach did this and the coach did that and because of that I got screwed sickens me. Its giving a kid a way out of being what he should be. Your setting your kid up for failure when those things present themselves and no matter how good he is he will face those things in this game and in life.

Step back and allow your son to grow. Step back and allow him to use that foundation that has been built. Your not on the team. You can not hold his hand the rest of his life. Who is going to hold that hand when you are no longer around to do it?

The most important things you can give your kid have nothing to do with hitting, throwing or fielding. They have everything to do with how long he will hit, throw and field and how much fun he will have while doing it.

When stopped by the Police you better respect that man and it better be yes sir and no sir. Period. When you step in a classroom it better be yes sir and no sir. Period. When you step on a ball field it better be yes sir and no sir. Period. Its not up to you to determine wether that person deserves it or not. Its up to you to earn their respect by the way you go about your business. And if they are a clown they will have to answer for it. Thats not up to you to. Its up to you to be who you are and that never changes.

And yes your going about it the only way you should. If your not playing its because the coach doesnt think your good enough. So what are you going to do about that? Get better. Change his perception of you. Get better. Out work everyone else. Do more than everyone else. Fight for what you want. If your not willing to fight for it you dont want it bad enough and dont deserve it.

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Originally posted by Coach_May:
The most important things you can give your kid have nothing to do with hitting, throwing or fielding. They have everything to do with how long he will hit, throw and field and how much fun he will have while doing it.

When stopped by the Police you better respect that man and it better be yes sir and no sir. Period. When you step in a classroom it better be yes sir and no sir. Period. When you step on a ball field it better be yes sir and no sir. Period. Its not up to you to determine wether that person deserves it or not. Its up to you to earn their respect by the way you go about your business. And if they are a clown they will have to answer for it. Thats not up to you to. Its up to you to be who you are and that never changes.

Not sure anyone can beat that response.

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Originally posted by ctandc:

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Originally posted by Sandman:
IMO, a player has to LISTEN to and FOLLOW his coach's instructions and be polite, etc.; but in my book, RESPECT is EARNED. HS age kids aren't dumb. If they think their coaches don't know what they're doing, those coaches will have an uphill battle earning player respect, irrespective of what is/isn't being discussed between player/parents. Let's not pretend the players don't communicate with EACH OTHER in these situations.

Maybe our definition of RESPECT is different. My son is taught to RESPECT his elders, whether he agrees or not.

Coaches are just like BOSSES. You give them the benefit of the doubt PERSONALLY To start. If they disprove that, then fine. BUT you always RESPECT the POSITION they hold.

Like I always told my guys in the Army, when we had a particularly ate up officer. "Don't salute the man. Salute the rank."

IF a players loses respect for his Coach on his own (not hearing it from parents) then that's fine. But as long as he's a player on that team he should SHOW the Coach (Position) RESPECT.

I guess I'm using the dictionary.com meaning:
esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability: I have great respect for her judgment.

It may just be semantics, but I teach our kids to be polite, listen to coaches, look them in the eye, follow their direction, shake their hand, etc.. I call that "manners". And even make a valid attempt to learn all you can from them. But even if they start out w/ that intent, as they gain more experience with any particular coach, they may find that they disagree more and more w/ what they're being taught. Though they still know to listen and do what their told and be a good teammate, etc., they can certainly start to lose respect.

Notice I never said it's ok to be rude to the coach (or the police officer), or not follow his directions or not be a good teammate. So I'm not sure where THAT soap-box rant came from. All I meant was that, regardless of how polite you are to someone, deep down that doesn't mean you have to have an ounce of respect for them. IOW, SHOWING respect (or better, "faking" it) is quite different from actually HAVING it.

My 2 cents.

Not a soap box rant. Just my opinion. Everyone has a right to their own opinion and I respect everyone's opinion. A player has to earn a coaches respect. A coach does not have to earn the players respect. The coach makes out the line up. The player does not.

Yes its always great when the player earns the coaches respect. Its always great when the team respects the coach. But that is something that should never dictate the players attitude towards how he goes about his business.

For the record, I never suggested that a player's attitude should reflect anything other than respect. That still doesn't mean that inside, the player HAS respect for the person.

I completely agree with that Sandman.

Coach May, as usual, well said..

THE majority of kids who are on the bench are usually there because the player on the field is the better player---it is as simple as that---parents need to stop making excuses