Proper way to address coach

I am neither wise nor an old timer but I think sending an anonymous letter is about the stupidest, most cowardly thing these parents could do. What a nice lesson for the kids!

 

I do think a lot of this goes on, and that most of the time it is BS, and most of the time the complaints really come down to playing time. But now and then there is a problem and it must be addressed.  Request a meeting with the  school principal and A.D.  and state your case.

Holy Hot chicken wing,  you did not just ask this question.....   

 

What's the issue ? An anonymous letter is out of the question.  Go to whoever hired him, AD,  principle  if they cannot help school board.    Public or Private ?

 

 

Experience has taught me to stay away (very far away) from parents discussing things like this.   My generation of parents are ridiculous and an embarrassment.  I would not lodge a complaint with the AD unless there were player safety or medical concerns.

General rule:  If there is no risk being posed to health or safety of the players, butt out.

 

Risk to players' health or safety should be raised promptly in hopes that the coach is simply unaware and may benefit from having it called, politely, to his attention.  Where things get dicey is, I include overuse of pitchers in this category.  As an example, I do not think a parent should sit idly by while their son throws 170 pitches in one game and then returns to the mound just a few days later.  Being in charge is not license to subject a teenager to a known risk of possibly severe injury.  Still, take care to use kid gloves whenever you tread in this area.  Most communications will land with a heavy thud at the other end no matter what you do, so avoid making it worse than it has to be by doing your best to phrase your communications deferentially and with no hint of attack whatsoever.

 

Exceptions: 

 

If there is an issue with integrity, physical or verbal abuse, or other character-related problem, you go immediately to his superior, since asking someone to censure themselves is a fool's errand.

 

If the coach is asking for too much money (lots of teams have fees for uniforms or comparable assessments), or otherwise presupposing to impose undue burdens on parents, then I think it is fair to ask to be heard on that issue as well.

 

 

I guess we could open the floor to discussion of other possible exceptions.  But generally, if you have "a group of parents" who want to discuss things like how practices are organized or run, who's in what position on the field or in the batting order, who's not getting innings on the mound or other playing time, game strategies, etc., those people are unwelcome meddlers and your approach should be (1) to attempt to dissuade them from their plans, and (2) if that fails, to ask that they specify when communicating exactly who's talking and who's not (with you in the "not" category).  If you were subsequently to learn that someone sent an e-mail or other communication without heeding your requests, I think it would be fair for you to send a quick note to the coach, saying simply, "Dear Coach, I have seen an e-mail that was sent to you.  I just want to let you know that I consider that e-mail inappropriate, and that it was was sent over my objections and without my participation."

 

 

great advice,  but I wonder why is it that we have to approch the coach politley,  sounds like you are afriad of retribution. These coaches are grown men they should be able to handle it.

You wonder why you need to approach another grown man in a polite manner?  I really don't know what to say to that.

Well read the post, I agree you should always be polite, but mildo stresses in his response the importance of being polite , shoudl you be more polite because he is a coach?   He's a coach not the pope.

Stay far away!!! 

Talking to parents who's son still play baseball at our school, I get asked a lot, "What do you think of coach? Isn't he a little hard on the kids? My kind doesn't like the way he is being handled." 

 

My usual response it: "I think he is a great coach, I love the way he handled my son's, yes he was hard on them, but my son thrived under him and is a large reason he is playing in college." 

 

Their response: "But johnny has never had a coach handle him like that. None of the kids like it. I think he would get more out of them if he handled them differently. They are always playing scared."

 

My response: "And you say your son wants to play in college? He may want to grow a thicker skin."

 

This coach can be a yeller, but he is also a good teacher and very approachable. When I ask my sons what the kids think of coach, they always respond, I think most of the players really like him. Older son says the coach has softened up since he first started with the program and hopes he gets tougher again.

 

Many of these kind of emails are not based on what is actually happening and it is what the parents perceive what is happening.  These parents need to sit down and talk to their sins and listen to what they have to say. I know there are some kids who will complain and exaggerate, but I believe most kids will tell the truth. It just might not be the truth the parents want to hear. 

So the little cupcakes have a tough coach and the parents want to complain anonymously. What a bunch of gutless wimps all the way around.

 

I remember what my dad said when I complained about a tough coach. "You can either grow up or be a pussy and quit."

 

This is the perspective of a dad who graduated from high school in 1942.

The Coach is being *gulp*... GRUFF... to the little angels?? Sorry to be flip about it... personally I like a gruff coach, and I'm serious when I say that. If he's being truly abusive then that's another matter, but what you're describing sure doesn't sound like a reason for parents to be banding together with pitch forks a few weeks into the campaign. Just one opinion.

 Gutless Wimps?...THATS AWESOME!

I don't think this is any big deal.  Coaches in general are "gruff" in my experience, particularly one's that are serious about the game and playing it the right way.  My kids coaches have been this way (starting at 11U travel ball) and at first it was a bit shocking having come from Little League - not because we parents found it wrong, it was that we weren't used to it.  Now it rolls off our backs like water off a duck.  And you know what - the boys don't seem to mind at all.  If my kid gets an earful the most he'll say is "well I should have made that play".  And my kid is a much better player for it, and he enjoys the game much more because the kids around him take the game seriously.  My opinion is kids get enough coddling and a bit of "gruff" will toughen them up a bit.  And I'm not talking about f-bombs or humiliation tactics or anything like that.

High school sports have changed drastically in the past 10-15 years. Much of it is $$ and the power that has. When I was in high school, there was no travel ball and high school sports never cost me a dime. Everything from uniforms to shoes, etc was covered by the school budget. Today more kids come into high school from travel clubs where they paid a lot of money to play and, therefore, felt like they had an equal say in how the program was run. They move on to high school where, because of so many budgetary constraints, it now costs the same kind of money (or fundraising) and naturally, parentsstill feel that they have a say because they are supporting the program. Twenty years ago, if parents came to the AD with complaits they would have been - perhaps politely - blown off. Not anymore. The AD is compelled to listen to parent complaints because that's where the funds come from. It's a new world. I don't like it, but there it is.

1.  Is anyone's health - long term or short term - in jeopardy?

2.  Is he mentally abusing them?

 

If it's a yes to these then by all means say something.  First to him, second to the AD, third to the principal and then school board / superintendent.  After talking to all those and nothing has changed then remove your son from the team because that is a very bad situation.

 

Now unfortunately it will never be that black and white.  There is a lot of grey area here which leads to situations as to where people wonder if 1 & 2 are in play.  One player / parent may think that nothing bad is happening at all while another may think it's the worst thing in the world.  So who's right?  Is the one kid / parent tough or is the other kid / parent a pansy?

 

Only thing you can do is make this assessment for you and your kid based on what your kid says to you.  If  you feel it's wrong then by all means say something.  Doesn't mean you will get the change you want but at least you addressed your concern.  Now it's up to you and your kid if he wants to continue in that atmosphere.  But there are possible repercussions if you do speak.  The other kids find out and now your kid is labeled a pansy if he's the only one feeling this way or the only one "brave" enough to speak out.  The coach may think he's got a mentally weak kid who will fold under pressure and write him off.  Or it could lead to a dramatic change in this guy's behavior for the positive.

 

If it's going to turn into a witch hunt then you need to distance yourself from them as much as possible.  Even if they get their way and get him replaced it will such a toxic environment nothing positive will come from it.

This is very true.  I'm the AD at my school and it's amazing what parents come up to me with.  My job means I have to listen to them but it doesn't mean I have to side with them.  So far (knock on wood) I've yet to have a coach be in the wrong but it's coming and I'll handle it.  But it's got to be done in a way to keep from undercutting the coach's ability to lead the team.

 

Now that being said if a group of parents come up to me to complain I'm not even going to entertain them.  They can call the school and set up individual meetings with me but not as a group.  Negativity is a monster that feeds on itself and you get a group of negative people (even if they are right) nothing productive comes from it.

No anonymous letters. but i also would not circle the guy with a group of parents and pitchforks. I would ask the question to myself "are the kids becoming better ballplayers?" that's the guys job in my opinion. 

 

 

That's the way it should be handled. I just think that more parents now feel entitled to complain the way college boosters feel entitled to be let in on the decision-making.

I like the pitchfork idea. Sounds like West Texas football.

Unfortunately in this day and age its not hard to get a coach fired if the parents and kids feel entitled and the AD is weak. After six "mean" coaches were fired in two years after parental revolts our high school had a reputation as a place to coach to kill your coaching career. What the sports teams did best was lose.

 

Thankfully a new AD was hired before my oldest started high school. Here's how parental complaints were handled by the new AD ... I'm sorry. That's not abuse. This meeting is over.

 

The AD brought in mostly new coaches. Almost every boys and girls team has been successful since his arrival. A football team isn't going to win a championship recruiting off the mean streets of the three country clubs. But teams are mentally tougher now. Even the football team usually goes 7-4 or 8-3. Every year there are D1 recruits. Before this AD the football team played to the mercy running clock the entire second down 35+ points.

Now that's funny! I appreciate the serious replies too.

2016 Thinks his football team would be far better off if H.C. WAS meaner/more gruff what ever you call it.He gets more than enough playing time.

Anon letter, wow what's next anonymous video being sent?

How are assistants handling new coach?  

Really.  A "gruff" coach?  Who "berates" players in front of everyone?  Little "positive" reinforcement.  OMG what's next?  No juice boxes after a game.  Get real.  The boys need to grow a pair. 

 

When my kid was 10 he used to work early Sunday mornings.  The organization's older HS level college prospect team would arrive with their "coach."  For the next 2 hours we were entertained.  Everything from where is your skirt to a few F-bombs.  He would get on one kid for playing on the basketball team because he was at the end of the bench and never played (basketball wasn't his future).  Sometime the kids gave it right back to him.  Some kids tuned him out.  It was very funny and my kid learned a few things and a few new words.   

... and I told myself I have been crabby and so should not weigh in on things for a while.

 

If any of you send this letter, have the anatomical parts to sign it.  I probably should not go further when I had this happen to me.

Any thing sufficiently important to lodge a formal complaint about is important enough to put your name on, and to do in person if possible (even if it needs to be taken to an AD or organizational level rather than the coach).

You don't.  I've never seen this work out well.  I would bet the AD would just hope you would shut up and go away.  If he cared about the coaches issues he would already know.  My son plays for the worst HS coach i have ever seen.  Yet he was all district, rated in the top of the 2014 class by perfect game, has had a great time with his teammates and signed to play in college.  My son learned what never to do when he becomes a coach someday.  It's truly the only thing this coach has taught him.  he has separated his love for the game from his hate for his coach.  I feel for you but you did say private school so you do have more options than we do in public school.  Move schools if you aren't satisfied.

Oh man, run very far away from this. Based on your two posts, sounds like JV at a Private school and 'parents are shocked after the very calm and supportive coaches from last year"

No safety or medical concerns, my strong advice would be to distance yourself and your son from this. My son attends a Private School and the thought of parents doing this made me laugh outloud; as I can picture the group who would!

Re the title of your post proper way to address coach? It would be Coach or Sir !

 

Gruff???  Thats the complaint.  Sorry but no reason to address this with anyone.  Unless the kids are in danger you just need to suck it up and deal with a Gruff coach.  

 

For some reason this thread has stuck in my head and I was thinking about it while stranded in the Newark airport yesterday.  I finally figured out why.  My 2017 is currently playing on the frosh basketball team.  If you were to sit and watch his coach you would think he was the biggest A-Hole around.  He is up and down pacing the entire game. He is constantly yelling at the kids when they make a mistake.  Things like "Smith if you don't start boxing out and playing the game the way I want it played I'm putting your behind on the bench".  This goes on all game long and is not subtile.  Guess what?  The kids love him.  Yes he is high strung during the games but at practices he is the most laid back guy and actually works with the kids to teach them how to play the game.  We were playing in a smaller gym a few weeks back and I was forced to sit behind the bench.  Was able to listen in on the huddles and watch his interaction with the kids.  After he gets his "criticism" out of the way he will explain to the kid what he is looking and what they need to do to improve their play.  You couldn't ask for a better coach.  Yet some of the opponents teams have made comments to us that they would never let their kids play for a coach that high strung.  They have no idea what he is really like.

The main reason I stressed "politely" is that so many people these days are so eaten up in themselves that they seem unable to express any thoughts at all without getting nasty.  Somewhere along the line from using U.S. Mail to faxes to e-mails, everyone has lost their minds when it comes to basic manners.  Making it worse is the blog/twitter era where the constant message is "my opinion matters!" and people turn downright ugly anytime anyone disagrees with them on anything.

 

So, though it shouldn't have been necessary, I included a pointed reminder that correspondence with a coach should be conducted in a gentlemanly manner.

 

But it's also true that the mere sending of any message is likely to be resented by the recipient.  Retribution is absolutely a risk you run.  You can say that shouldn't happen, but that doesn't change the fact that it might happen.  So, walk on eggshells, for your own sake and for the sake of your son.

The sad thing is if an AD at a private school isn't strong and consistent with how he handles situations parents can get coaches fired. A nearby private, that was often in the USA Top 25 fired it's coach one year removed from winning a state championship. All it took was upset parents who were regular participants to the annual giving program.

 

We got blow by blow messages from one of son's travel teammates in the back of the bus. The short version was some of the players were having too much fun on the bus after losing a state semi-final. The coach made a comment he probably shouldn't have made out of frustration. The two top players reacted. These were two very talented, highly recruited players. It was completely out of character for them to act the way they did. The coach was fired two days later. 

 

The coach is so terrible he was quickly signed as an assistant coach with a D1.

Make sure you do it at night so you can use some torches, too...

Has burning him at the stake as a witch gone out of style?

21st century version would be trying to destroy the guys rep via social media anonymously because that's what spineless people do nowadays. Social media has given the gutless a forum to convince themselves they are being a good parent and defending their kids, in fact they are teaching the worst possible lesson they could to the kids. world is changing and in some cases not for the good. A lot of people have either no social skills or are losing them, i see it all the time especially with the kids, of maybe 20 on the varsity team maybe 5 look at the coach eye to eye when talking, one of the first things beaten in to me at a young age was to look someone in the eye when talking to them. drives me crazy when it does not happen.

 

Maybe im just an old fool

 

Ok I'm going to give my opinion as a new High School coach. This isn't little league anymore. Winning does matter. Not everyone gets to play every game.

Being gruff is normal for coaches. Players getting yelled at by coaches in front of the team is normal. You can't treat every player the same. If you want to know why I did something ask me or, better yet, have your son ask me after practice. There is a reason for everything that I do as a coach. It might not be evident on the surface but there's definitely a reason.

As a HS coach for 14 years I am going to give a piece of advice.  Stay away from lynch mobs.  If you have a problem go and speak to the coach about your player and your problem.  I will agree with Sampson all coaches do things for reasons and a lot of parens are unaware of why.  I will give you an example.  We played in a tournament in December and I purposefully let our pitcher get into a jam and then pulled him.  The reason why I did this is because that the kid I was inserting on the mound is a kid that I needed to see if he could come in hot and get out of it.  Well the kid didn't and I found out that later parents were complaining that we did not win a game, that doesn't mean anything, in December.  They had no idea why I did this all they knew was that we lost and in their opinion it is not a smart decision.  Now addressing the yelling thing.  You need to look into it further.  Is he willing to yell at everyone?  What is he saying when he yells?  I am not a big yeller but I will if needed.  One thing I will not do is say anything I would not say to my own son or would be upset with if a coach yelled at him.

I've tried to sign this way with a note to one of my kid's teachers, but it didn't go over too well.  She was very offended for some reason, plus, it was kind of uncomfortable to write this way.  And like you, she also said "this probably should not go any further..."

I just found an old bookmark I had. http://community.hsbaseballweb.../coach-mays-11-rules. Coach May, rule #4 If you think your High School coach is tough wait till you get a college coach.

http://community.hsbaseballweb.../coach-mays-11-rules