Raising Kids With Too Much Self Esteem

Excellent article and timely post. 

"In America, we have it all backward. We assume if we boost our child's self-esteem, they'll behave well. We assume self-esteem is the panacea for every ill," he said. "Rather than boost self-esteem and hope our kids act well, we should wait for good behavior and then give them a pat on the back for that."

 

So true!  We are raising a generation who thinks because they show up they are entitled to something....but it's beyond parents it's society too. 

 

Anyone on here over the age of 45, do you remember receiving "participation trophies" when you were a kid, or did you have to EARN any trophy you ever received?

 

Although I will not hit the big 45 for at least another 20 years (Of course I am often delusional and eat soup with a fork) I have heard stories of people who used to actually value and took great pride in attaining some type of award or trophy.  People would actually compete in sporting events where they kept score and accept the fact that sometimes they won and sometimes they lost, some players were very good and some were not so good.  I have even heard (But am sure it can't be true) that some of the good players would go out on their own time and play with both good and not so good players in an attempt to improve just for the potential to succeed and win one of those trophy things. 

 

It is so much better today when I go to work and my boss walks around all day giving me a raise and a promotion because I participated.  The old days must have $ucked!!!

Over 45 and no I didn't earn a trophy for everything.  I earned what I worked for; parents didn't give me a car, pay for my gas or insurance, and made no promises for anything outside a room over my head and food in my stomach.  From a sports perspective, I had what I needed and if I wasn't good enough to beat out the guy I was competing with -- the message was work harder.  Today, I treat my kids the same way and when we tell other parents we didn't buy our kids a car, pay for their insurance, etc. we get the look .  As her friends fail out of college and move home my 21 year old daughter who is a full time student and works 30 hours a week in her chosen profession tells us routinely she is glad we kept it real.  I love my kids dearly, but I am not their friend I am their Dad and there is a difference. 

Well I have my own take on all of this. There were 3 days a year when I got something just because. Christmas, because it was Christmas. My Birthday because it was my Birthday. Thanksgiving because it was Thanksgiving. Outside of that I had to earn everything I got. Sports? The right to play sports was earned. If you were doing what you were required to do in school. If you were acting like you were required to act in school and at home. If you earned the right to play you got the opportunity to play.

 

Our family didn't revolve around my sports activities. That was an extra. Mom and Dad had bigger fish to fry. Things like raising a family and going to work. Their lives didn't center around me getting to do what they felt was my God given right. It was simply them allowing me to play games IF I earned the right to do so.

 

What we have now in many cases are parents who live through their childrens lives. Their children are their friends. Their children are coddled spoiled and entitiled. Why? Because the parents are. My son is not going to get treated like I did. I got it and so is my child. He deserves the right to do what they are doing. No one is giong to treat my son like that. On and on it goes.

 

Every weekend is about Jimmy. Got to get him to the tourney. Got to get him that glove. Got to get him that bat. Got to get him on that team. Got to get him everything he wants and everthing everyone else has. He doesn't have to earn that right. It is his right. Instead of cutting the grass you are while he plays XBOX. Instead of working in the yard, doing chores, he is resting up for BP. Instead of him understanding it is something he can earn he understands that it's all about him because you have made it all about him.

 

The problem isn't the children. It's the children that are not raising the children. Its the parent that shows up at the parent teacher conference to lay down the law to the teacher in front of their child. Its the parent that goes off on the cops for stopping their child. Its the parent that blames the coach for their son not playing SS, hitting in the 3 hole or not playing every inning. Its the parent that talks smack about the coach on the ride home from the game and then can't understand why their kid doesn't respect any authority figures. And then grows up and treats them the same way, with no respect.

 

They are who they are because the parents are who they are. Life is about me. I deserve this. It's my right. Then someone comes along and doesn't play those games and the battle is on. My kids knew that playing sports came with conditions. And my first job was to be a parent not their friend or their agent. The same people that will go to no end to get their kids everything they desire in the field of sports pays little to no attention to the person they actually are. Why? Becaue it is all about having their priorities totally out of whack. But to them they are in order.

 

I love this phrase. "Failure is not an option." Really Mom and Dad? So you will make sure he never fails? You will never allow him to grind? You will never allow him to grow? You will never allow him the opportunity to succeed because you will never allow him to fail. Just read the numerous posts here about the Coach. You know the Coach that has it out for their son. The one that has made their son want to quit. Do they ever address their Kid? What we have here are parents that can't give the proper advice. Because they grew up without what is needed to give. Sorry but if the shoe don't fit don't wear it. But if it does, then wear it for once. Better yet teach your son to wear it for once.

So on my way to a 5:00 am baseball practice the kid says "Dad there are a lot of cars on the road.  Where is everybody going?"  I reply, "work."  His response -- "I thought jobs where 9-5."  I guess he wants to be a banker. 

 

Kids these days grow up in a different reality than we did.  Are participation "trophies" the problem?  Not at 8 but yes at 18.  Does that give them an entitled mindset?  Maybe for some, but not necessarily for others.  Somewhere there is a balance. 

I was the eighth of nine kids and thought my first name was "dammit" for a while.  Privileged I was not.  ;o)

How does this work Coach May?  In today's world of baseball how does our family not revolve around our kids sports activities since the sports activities occur during 80% of our former "family time"?  This past week my son had 3 nights of practice and his tournament was at a ball park an hour away and we were there 7:15am-4pm Saturday, and 7:15-5pm Sunday.....how could our family not revolve around our kids sports activities since they take up so much of the only family time we get due to work/school?

 

I think what Coach May is saying his parents (same with mine) did not compromise or alter their parenting style or compromise the need to provide for other siblings simply to accommodate 3 nights of practice and two full days of tournament play.  In short, they avoided the famous Brady Bunch scenario of "Marsha, Marsha, Marsha".     

I know it's tough. I was coacing HS baseball and an elite Showcase team for years. And my oldest played college football. Now my youngest is a college baseball coach. But I think it is very important to teach balance. And very important to teach them it is not their right but simply an opportunity that is earned by them.

That too Redsdad. My #1 priority was to show them how to be a good Husband and Father and to raise them to understand that anything worth having is worth working for. My job was not to make sure they had want they wanted. But what they needed. Baseball is a game. It's not who you are it's just what you do. Too many parents are wrapped up in what their kids are doing. Instead of making sure their kids have the proper examples in their lives being displayed each day for them in their home. It's all about the kids and giving them everything. In a desire to make sure they are happy and getting everything everyone else is getting. It's a family that is built on each other. Not a player who the family evolves around.

My son threw his first (basketball) participation trophy in the trash as he walked out the door of the gym. He said, "There's champion, runner up and go home, you lost."

Excellent post. In our house it started with behavior and grades. My daughter (now 26) once joked the bumper sticker on my dad's car would say, "My kids make the honor roll, or else." A parent once asked what's the "or else." My daughter explained they (my son and she) never dared to find out. The reality was I expected maximum effort. When they got a B we discussed if they could do better. If not, fine. 

 

About twenty plus years ago the LA School District tried to teach self esteem, failed and dropped the program. Self esteem isn't learned. It's earned.

Now here is a funny story. I was coaching a 10U AAU team one summer. We were really good. In fact we won almost every tourney we played in. One weekend in Hickory we stunk. No focus. We won 3rd place. Like after every game we gathered in a spot to talk about the weekend, future plans and how we played. The tournement director walks up with a box of trophies and hands them out to all the players. When he walks away I said "Now all you guys that are happy with being 3rd place hold those trophis tight. Smile and be glad you were just told there were 2 teams here better than you. For all you guys that are not happy with 3rd place hand them to me." Well they all placed them by my bucket I was sitting on. I then said "Let me show you what I think of 3rd place." I stood up and broke every one of those trophies into pieces. I mean I calmly broke them to pieces. I then said "OK now I want all of you to grab a piece of this mess and put it in your bat bag. And when we win the State Championship will leave them on the field."

 

Well as were walking up to the parents who were waiting one of my players little brothers ran up to his mom and said "Mom guess what coach May did?" Mom says what? "He crushed all the trophies. He crushed all of them." All the parents looked at me like I was insane. I just walked by them. Well when we won the State Championship all the boys couldn't wait to litter the field with those pieces they all kept in their bat bags. That little brother is Wood Myers the starting SS for UNC. He would tell me many times over the years that it was the most awesome thing he had ever seen. I still get grief from my wife over it. But I would do it all over again.

 

The moment you accept failure you are officially a loser. The moment you accept less than you can give you are officially a loser. I may not win every game. I may not win first place ever again. But I will never accept it. And neither should any player. The moment you start rewarding failure you throw the ocean on a fire.

 

 

I always liked Bobby Knight's attitude of "There's no such thing as a good loss. If there is, why not lose four?"

I can see what Coach May and others are saying, but I don't agree with most of it.  My wife and I have allowed our kids to be the center of our lives, and their activities have somewhat ruled our family life.  By the way, I wouldn't have it any other way!  I grew up with a mother and 3 other siblings.  We didn't have much. I didn't have a father to take me fishing, hunting, play ball with, etc.  That was tough, and I vowed to be the best father that I could, and to provide my kids with everything that I didn't have.  In some ways, I have gone a little overboard, and I may not be as balanced as I should in these regards.  I am constantly making sure my kids have what they need to be successful.  If Ryan needs a new bat, we buy him a new one.  If he needs a new glove, we buy him a new one.  In order to play football & baseball at a high level, it takes a lot of time.  Therefore, he doesn't have a lot of time to do other things.  That is good and bad. We do have him cut the grass, and do other chores, but certainly not at the level that I had to do as a child.  He works 4 - 6 hours on Sunday doing landscaping, and I don't want him doing more than that.  We bought him a truck, pay for his gas, and give him spending money. 

 

I know it sounds like we do a lot, and we do.  But, we wouldn't have it any other way.  We enjoy it, and we have a lot of fun traveling with the other parents.  We do have stipulations though.  Ryan must maintain good grades.  He has a 3.9 GPA.  He has to stay out of trouble.  He has.  He is a great kid that I couldn't be prouder of.

 

There is more than one way to skin a cat, and there isn't just one way to raise your kids.  If Ryan was a knucklehead, I would treat him as such. 

 

Make no mistake though, I have made mistakes, and I have been ridiculously tough on him at times.  I don't allow him to make excuses, and if a coach is tough, I tell him to work harder. 

mine were a step farther, EVERY trophy except 1st was in the trash- Win or Don't

Maybe I am slow but it sounds like you do things about the same way I did. And I have no doubts your a great Dad.

I think the intent of this article isn't for people like you...you don't have to deprive your children of nice things, or not make their lives easier, in order to make them tough; the key is the reason WHY you are buying them things.

 

Did Ryan get a new glove because his webbing was toast and it just couldn't be stitched anymore, or did he get a new glove because little Johnny just got a new glove and he wants his glove to be better than his?

 

I was raised that if you ask for help, and it is clear you are trying your hardest to help yourself but you just can't do it, then help will be provided.  If you are not trying your hardest to fix your own problem you are on your own. 

 

How many times have you seen a fellow parent fetching things for their kids?  I mean SIMPLE things like "Hey mom I'm thirsty"..and the mom goes and gets the kid a drink....*shaking my head*, when my kids were old enough to open the refrigerator door the water bottles were in the bottom drawer of the fridge, if they were thirsty they could get a drink (if they asked permission), the 5 year old knows I will help her open it if she asks (but she still tries every day to do it herself) the 12 year old knows better than to even ask.

Thank you for this post.  There really isn"t much I can add to it.  To quote Billy Joel "The good ole days weren"t always good and tomorrow ain"t as bad as it seems."

Some valid points raised here. I think it comes down to a key word - entitlement. Self esteem should be earned, self confidence should be nurtured early on. But a sense of entitlement will get you nowhere.

   We've raised our kids to know nothing comes for free, that one must work for what they have, and never to take anything for granted - even your health (spouse came thru a serious bout of cancer, that nixed 2 summers of travel ball play, as I still had to work). Also life's not fair, but opportunities are everywhere, like dandelions in a field - you just have to teach yourself to spot them and be ready to grab them.

   Son loves the game, but setbacks such as the aforementioned and neither parent having a team sports background really put him behind the 8-ball. Neither parent realized the importance of summer travel teams and the process of recruitment. With no friends nearby or siblings to practice with, there was little opportunity to work on getting better away from seasonal practice.

   But, he dug in his heels and focused, worked at it, and over the past couple of years has improved hand over fist. We have supported his efforts, when it meant getting a new specialized glove, replacing bats when broken, and putting the time in to transportation to events. But, he's keeping up his end - mid 90's GPA, top honors in other pursuits, etc. He's up til near midnight many evenings to get all homework done, and to study. He realizes what he can save in college merit aid if he achieves the higher grades, etc. so he's working to his max effort. So long as he's doing that, yes - we'll do likewise. 

P.S. Some tournaments aren"t so good and 1st place might be meaningless.  Other tournaments may be full of good teams and 3rd place ain"t so bad.  One of the games i was proudest of my basketball team we lost 62 - 31.  They exactly doubled us.  We were ranked in the top 25 in the chicagoland area but this team was ranked #2.  And that difference was huge.  We were really good, they were other worldly.  I think the key is you have to approach every game/tournament like you can win it.  But when its over its ok to look back and say we did well regardless of the final results.  Bottom line is those trophies were earned by the rules set forth by the tournament.  

What does Billy Joel know about baseball?? I mean if you quoted John Foggerty or something we could be on to something!

Participation awards suck - learn to win and learn to lose, they are both important!

Originally Posted by CaCO3Girl:

So true!  We are raising a generation who thinks because they show up they are entitled to something....but it's beyond parents it's society too. 

 

Anyone on here over the age of 45, do you remember receiving "participation trophies" when you were a kid, or did you have to EARN any trophy you ever received?

 

I’m sorry, but that’s such a generalized statement it borders on absurd. It isn’t 1931 in the middle of the great depression! Times have changed as have what society accepts as being morally and socially acceptable. I was 68 2 days ago, and I remember receiving "participation trophies".  So what? Are you saying that because I participated in a something where every participant was given something as a remembrance, I’m now someone who feels entitled to everything?

 

Keeping the subject on baseball, you may not realize it, but every team that’s ever given players a team hat, has given them something because they “showed up”. Trophies are no different.

I paid for that hat!     And getting a trophy for just showing up is kind of ridiculous.

 

I don't get a pay check for just showing up, why would my kid get a trophy for not playing at a standard other teams play to?

Coach May:

 

I know you talk tough. But let's see how tough you REALLY are. I dare you to print this and put it on your wife's pillow.

 

No, wait! DON'T !!

 

Good stuff, man.

 

 

Truth be told, this is us too. But I KNOW, because I've seen it, that my son (probably like yours, ryno and joilet) is the hardest worker at whatever he does. This winter he put an ad on Craigslist, and made almost $1000 putting up Christmas lights. Hard work -- in the truck I'm paying for.

 

Coach May's philosophy is spot on, IMO. But each child is different, and when it's all said and done, it's really the unsolicited feedback we get from OTHER ADULTS that's most important. 

 

So I sleep well.

Well, I love this post!!!!

 

 

You had to do something extraordinary to get a trophy when I was a kid.  It was very different times back then.  Once in a blue moon, my parents would make a significant event in high school (districts or states).   They never saw me play college tennis competitively or beyond, and I was totally fine with that.  I think it made me much more independent.  They've made a few of their grandson's college and high school games over the years but its not many.  Their way of parenting was just different.  I'm not saying it is right or wrong, but my wife and I were a lot more involved in our kids lives when they were younger (because we wanted to....our lives are much more balanced).  I wouldn't change a thing.   My kids think participation trophies and ribbons are meaningless, and they will throw them in the garbage.

In the '70s, the trophies were mostly made from solid wood and metal by American craftspeople. They were relatively expensive. Today you can buy a plastic Chinese made trophy that "looks like" brass and mahogany for $5. Just sayin'.

The hat is earned by making the team. The player has earned the right to wear the uniform. When I played LL we didn't have mandatory playing time. We also had to make a team. Teams had five 10s, 11s and 12s. Four 9s made LL and counted as 10s. As a 9 I was scared to death facing the 12s. But I wore my LL hat everywhere like an earned trophy.

That's an amazing story because I have the same story. Only it was a second place team trophy and the parents were absolutely pissed at me. Same as you, though, we won state and all was forgiven.

This is SI or ESPN article-worthy:

 

Two baseball coaches, both with high expectations, challenged their teams to hand over second a third place trophies.

 

Each did it to send a clear and important message: Losing is losing -- and it's not something to celebrate.

 

Every player on both teams handed over his trophy, and each coach broke them one by one into pieces in front of the players -- enduring confused looks and glares from parents.

 

But they didn't stop there.

 

Miles and years apart, each coach challenged his players to put a piece of the broken trophies in his gear bag, as a way to remember -- telling them that if and when they won State, they could toss them onto the field.

 

And that's exactly what happened -- in both cases.

 

DANG that is good! Coach May, Roothog: If I can get a bite on this story-line, in the context of working hard and earning what one gets, are you game??

 

(I'm actually a writer -- though not one who's ever freelanced. And I'm fairly sure this would be easy to 'sell' because it's not just a fascinating approach, it's an important message).

 

PM me if you're game -- and whatever $$ is earned will be 100% donated to HSBBW..

 

I'm enjoying the stories on this thread.

 

I agree so much with the article, and I've seen it many times in my community.  Parents tout their kids as "great" when they really aren't, and when kids get to a certain age, they become aware of who the best players are.  When that doesn't match what their parents have been telling them, it causes a real disconnect.  Just last week I asked my son about such a kid, and he said that the boy "quit baseball to further his pursuit of drugs and alcohol."  

 

Self-esteem cannot be taught or given...It is earned by hard work and a basis in reality. I also don't believe in complimenting my kids on how smart, good looking or athletic they are. I compliment them on their work ethic, kindness, good decision making and compassion toward others.  Those are things within their control...intelligence, looks and athleticism are God given.  

 

There are people who don't know my son who may think he is "spoiled" because he has nice things.  But he also has much expected of him in order to keep the privileges he has...must take the hardest classes offered, expected to make an A in those classes, be respectful, punctual, follow our rules and contribute to the family dynamic where needed. If I ever see him act "entitled" the party's over!

 

As jp24 said, when I get comments on a regular basis about what a good kid he is, I know we are on the right track.

Coming in second or third for 10 year olds is not necessarily a bad thing.

There are just some days where the other team is just going to be better than your team. There are just going to be days where the other guy is better than you.  How many times have your sons teams lost and you admitted that the other team was better?  I know I have. But not sure that destroying something is the message I would want sent to my 10 year olds and this is coming from a mom who always wants the team to win.

But not at all costs.

 

Maybe I am not getting it, you cant always be #1, learning how to take that loss and to learn from your mistakes is what motivates. I know that this is a fun story, but unfortunately there are many players out there who never could learn how to cope with losing.

JMO

 

 

That is by far the most important thing as a parent you could ever hope for.  You want people to like and respect your kids for who they are not for what they do,

 

I recently read an interview with Johnny Manzel's father.  Very sad story, they had so much money,  he said that he gave things to his son, let him do what he wanted to, thinking that this would make him a better person, a better athlete, stop the negative destructive behavior only to find out that he really was digging the hole much deeper.

 

Perfect example of someone with too much self esteem.

 

This thread is tossing me on my head!  I find myself in agreement with some I have usually been on the other side of the fence with and disagreeing with a couple - root and JP for example - that I almost always agree with!!  Funny world.  But I can't help having strong feelings on this one.  My son was on a top notch 9 yr old team.  They won almost every tournament.  Then one day a team beat us in the semi finals.  I didn't really see it as a big deal.  Especially at the age.  But the kids were devistated.  A lot of tears, upset parents and disdain for finishing 3rd.  But I agree with TPM, learn how to handle it.  They were a better team on that day.  So what?  They went on to win more tournaments that year and they did it without throwing away their third place medals.  My youngest is a 7 year old girl.  She is a tom boy way in to sports already.  When her big brother 'wins' a trophy or medal he is not particularly excited about he gives it to her.  She lights up like a million christmas trees.  If some coach pressured my son into breaking his trophy - yes I would confront that coach.  With apologies to especially root who I feel like I see eye to eye with, it just doesn't seem like a good example for the kids.  And regardless of the coaches' feelings those trophies are the property of the kid once they get them.  There were no doubt a few of those kids or more who would never admit it but they wanted those trophies.  All the things I have seen on this site about letting kids be kids and adults taking things too seriously etc...  and now this is lauded???  Me thinks it has more to do with who said it than what was said.

Lots of good info and stories on the thread. Here's another spin..would an Olympian that failed to win a Gold medal, throw out his/her silver or bronze medal?

jolietboy,
Dont feel badly its ok to disagree.  I have known coach may for a million years at least..he gives A+ advice 100 % of the time. Its something he did a funny story to share, I agree. I just dont think using this example really is ESPN worthy. JMO
By the way I got a great story ...its about a spoon and a fork...which would you rather be? And why?