Seems like a no-brainer to me. If the kid is a good kid, write a good letter. This is about the player, not the parent. Every coach has to deal with parents. What may be HM to one coach may be LM to another. It's not for you to decide what the coach may consider HM. Simply provide your honest opinion about the boy and you've done the right thing. JMO.
R.
Good post Callaway. From what I have seen plenty of coaches are very talented dealing with multitudes of folks with different functions from staff, players, boosters, parents, administrators, sponsors, recruits, etc, avoiding conflict while winning more than they lose.
Other much less talented coaches often appear to court conflict almost relishing any attention no matter how negative. No one can help those people no matter how well meaning.
Other much less talented coaches often appear to court conflict almost relishing any attention no matter how negative. No one can help those people no matter how well meaning.
My son attended a private HS that required not only an entrance exam but also letters of recommendation....it is a HS not only known for its strong academics but also the sports programs...when we solicited letters of recommendation we approached people we knew would focus on his character, maturity, focus on academics, etc....never once did it cross my mind that it would include any reference to his parents...we never asked for any letters from someone connected to sports..it solely revolved around his ability to succeed academically at the school...we( his father and I) knew that his baseball success was determined by his ability to compete on the field...not in the classroom ( of course his performance in the classroom impacted whether he could play)...letters of recommendation were not forwarded to any coach of any sport...all 76 boys that tried out that year for freshamn baseball were judged exclusively on their baseball strength...not who their parents were...but I feel the question that needs to be answered is why should this boy suffer the sins of the parents...it is about him and the focus should only be about him....the label "HM" is truly subjective(I am sure there are those who would have deemed me HM once or twice over the course of time)...what I may consider as interferring and meddlesome may not even bother some one else...leave any negative comments out and focus only on the child and his attributes
It's interesting how we all tend to misinterpret the original intent of a post. It happens all of the time around here, and then we take it personally and things blow up out of porportion.
I don't think JB meant so say, "should I let them know about the parents in the letter". I think he is a lot smarter than that. That was my interpretation.
I don't think JB meant so say, "should I let them know about the parents in the letter". I think he is a lot smarter than that. That was my interpretation.
"On the one hand, I want to write a nice letter about this boy...he is a good boy and a good baseball player. On the other hand, I think his parents are a pain in the butt. I feel I would be betraying my friend, the coach, if I wrote this letter and didn't say anything to him about what he's really getting into (the whole package). They've already gone to meet with the coach and probably dropped my name in the conversation. He may ask me anyways."
I don't know, but it seems pretty clear from the original post above that JBB is asking
for advice on how to handle this situation. "Should I or should I not tell MY FRIEND, the
coach, about the situation he could be getting into?"(my interpretation)
If I missed something I apologize.
I don't know, but it seems pretty clear from the original post above that JBB is asking
for advice on how to handle this situation. "Should I or should I not tell MY FRIEND, the
coach, about the situation he could be getting into?"(my interpretation)
If I missed something I apologize.
Moc1 - I think you've got it right. I think where some may have misinterpreted is whether or not I would write IN THE LETTER about the parents. I will not. Although in past letters I've written many very positive statements about parents/families and how they will be an asset to the school's culture and community. I cannot have that paragraph in this letter, it would be untrue (there are other issues that I didn't even bring up...but too detailed for this discussion).
If I communicate that information in this case, it will be verbally. Thats all.
If I communicate that information in this case, it will be verbally. Thats all.
quote:Originally posted by infielddad:quote:They are entrusting to the recommender the fate or outcome of accomodation to help in overcoming what seems to be an insurmountable hurdle.
Just the fact that someone would ask you be a recommender for them is in itself a recognition of respect of you and how much they anticipate that a word from you will be persuasive enough to help them accomplish the goal.
For that trust to be turned into betrayal reflects more on a lack of understanding of who can be trusted with such a solemn and responsible task.
That is the reason JB is struggling with this because knows what it means to have this power over these parents. He can help their son live their dream, or in affect be the catalyst to destroy it.
Ramrod, I respect your position on the impact and importance of a letter of recommendation and respectfully very much disagree.
These parents have chosen to have their son apply to a private school. JB has absolutely no say in whether he is qualified nor whether he is a candidate to be accepted in comparison to the huge candidate base against which that young man is competing.
JB has been asked to describe what he knows of this young man and nothing more. He has no power and in fact is powerless in the determination of whether that young man gets accepted.
In my business I review probably 50-75 letters of recommendation per year. I have not hired or decided not to hire a single candidate based on those letters and references.
Personally, I think the candidate who is not accepted should find it a reflection that were not the best/most qualified candidate rather than looking to assign "responsibility" externally for lack of acceptance.
***********************************************
As an executive, now retired, I found many forms of letters of recommendation come across my desk.
There are many ways to write these letters and each one has significance if you know how to read them.
In short, a letter of recommendation can be interpreted to relay the recommenders true feelings about the candidate by simply understanding the significance of some very important words.
In this case where JB has trepidations about giving a full picture and accounting of the pitfalls of a possible relationship with this family he can express this by using less descriptive words of support.
In other words instead of saying
I unreservedly and highly recommend this player and his family to your school and the baseball program
he could say simply
This player and family could be a possible good addition to your program
Those two examples, the first one an example of effusive language, and the second an example of tempered word usage show a distinct difference in approach but they convey a flavor that can be read to mean exactly what JB needs to say...and never mention a thing about the parents.
It is a letter of recommendation, and should be handled as such.
If JB can't write a letter of recommendation for this family then he should abstain from doing so.
JMO
Thank-you Justbaseball for asking for our collective opinion regarding your dilemma. You have recieved many fine suggestions and spurred a lively debate concerning parent involvement and behavior.
I agree with luvbb and his opening question. Your coach friend at the school deserves a "heads up" about this kid's parents and discussing it off the record honestly is my recommendation.
Thank-you to Pgstaff for furthering the discussion and including the rudimentary "red flag" list concerning parents. This is an important topic and should be explored more deeply.
Florida Baseball Guy makes some good points but I disagree with him regarding parents not contacting scouts or coaches. If you are a parent that is not comfortable approaching new people, especially someone obviously as important as a coach or scout, then by all means stay back and follow the lead of your kid's coach. On the other hand if you are a parent comfortable with this situation then don't hesitate to tactfully and wisely approach the scouts or coaches. These guys are human too and if you are not interfering with their job it's been my experience that they are happy to share their insights with you. The times I have talked with either a scout or a coach I have rarely even mentioned my son or daughter. I do let them know which team or organization they play for. This may get the scout or coach to take a look in that direction hopefully when your kid or his teammates are shining. The insights that these guys provide are invaluable and I would not be privy to them had I not approached them.
One SEC assistant coach when observing bad behavior by a parent crossed off the parent's kid from his list. His comment was "do I want to listen to that for four years?!." Believe me that was an eye opener!
Another problem that we parents have is gauging where in the spectrum of overall talent and character does our young athlete place. A good way to help evaluate this is to have your player participate in an event or tournament where it is known without doubt that the very best at that age is participating. If your player holds his own against legitimate top talent then he should be placed among them. If your player struggles then, at least at this point in time, he doesn't belong. Be honest with yourself and accept reality and then have your player go out and work hard so that he may improve and slide along that spectrum towards the very best. Do everything you can to genuinely bolster your player's confidence. If they have earned it then the cofidence will grow.
In my view the parent's most important contribution to their player's development is to be supportive of your player if he has earned it and to smooth out all of the sharp peaks and valleys so the ride is more like a Sunday drive than a raging rollercoaster. Remember that "burn-out" most often leads to the player quitting. High maintenance parents should ask themselves if their actions are leading their player to a "burn-out". Is quitting the desired end result? If the answer is "no" then ,as high maintenance parents, you have some tough lessons to learn and some hard work ahead of you. The effort will be worth it since your player will be the biggest benefactor.
Lastly to take a little pressure off of all parents I think it is important to know that smart, wise, and professional coaches and scouts realize that as much as they might desire otherwise the parents always are a factor in the exposure and recruiting process. As parents you must decide which factor to be...positive or negative.
I agree with luvbb and his opening question. Your coach friend at the school deserves a "heads up" about this kid's parents and discussing it off the record honestly is my recommendation.
Thank-you to Pgstaff for furthering the discussion and including the rudimentary "red flag" list concerning parents. This is an important topic and should be explored more deeply.
Florida Baseball Guy makes some good points but I disagree with him regarding parents not contacting scouts or coaches. If you are a parent that is not comfortable approaching new people, especially someone obviously as important as a coach or scout, then by all means stay back and follow the lead of your kid's coach. On the other hand if you are a parent comfortable with this situation then don't hesitate to tactfully and wisely approach the scouts or coaches. These guys are human too and if you are not interfering with their job it's been my experience that they are happy to share their insights with you. The times I have talked with either a scout or a coach I have rarely even mentioned my son or daughter. I do let them know which team or organization they play for. This may get the scout or coach to take a look in that direction hopefully when your kid or his teammates are shining. The insights that these guys provide are invaluable and I would not be privy to them had I not approached them.
One SEC assistant coach when observing bad behavior by a parent crossed off the parent's kid from his list. His comment was "do I want to listen to that for four years?!." Believe me that was an eye opener!
Another problem that we parents have is gauging where in the spectrum of overall talent and character does our young athlete place. A good way to help evaluate this is to have your player participate in an event or tournament where it is known without doubt that the very best at that age is participating. If your player holds his own against legitimate top talent then he should be placed among them. If your player struggles then, at least at this point in time, he doesn't belong. Be honest with yourself and accept reality and then have your player go out and work hard so that he may improve and slide along that spectrum towards the very best. Do everything you can to genuinely bolster your player's confidence. If they have earned it then the cofidence will grow.
In my view the parent's most important contribution to their player's development is to be supportive of your player if he has earned it and to smooth out all of the sharp peaks and valleys so the ride is more like a Sunday drive than a raging rollercoaster. Remember that "burn-out" most often leads to the player quitting. High maintenance parents should ask themselves if their actions are leading their player to a "burn-out". Is quitting the desired end result? If the answer is "no" then ,as high maintenance parents, you have some tough lessons to learn and some hard work ahead of you. The effort will be worth it since your player will be the biggest benefactor.
Lastly to take a little pressure off of all parents I think it is important to know that smart, wise, and professional coaches and scouts realize that as much as they might desire otherwise the parents always are a factor in the exposure and recruiting process. As parents you must decide which factor to be...positive or negative.
justbb......I'm sure you are getting more opinions than you bargained for here. I have written hundreds of letters of recommendations and completed many recommendation forms for various people and a variety of purposes. There have been some that have been more complimentary than others. When I do write one that has anything that can be perceived as negative, I give it to the person whom I have written it for, have them read it, and tell them that they can agree to use it or not use it. It has never been a problem.
grateful: your screen name shuold be changed to 'grateful AND wise'. Nice post.